From The Onion:

Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal To Fuck Up 'Thundercats'

LOS ANGELES—In the largest deal ever made to shit out a movie, Warner Bros. and director Michael Bay announced a landmark $50 million agreement this week to monumentally fuck up ThunderCats.

According to executives, Warner Bros. settled on Bay after a 12-month search of Hollywood's most reviled directors, including Joel Schumacher, Roland Emmerich, and Brett Ratner. In the end, the studio decided only Bay could be relied upon to deliver a 220-minute cinematic clusterfuck with enough tedious performances, overblown cinematography, and CGI explosions to make even the most casual fan want to scratch their eyes out.

"We're just getting started on the storyboards, but I've already got a lot of really contrived ideas about zooming in way too close and shooting everything at nauseating angles," said Bay, who claimed viewers won't be able to tell if the climactic final battle is between two blurry elbows or a half dozen leopard-print pillows. "I promise you'll walk out of the theater feeling like you just flushed $12 down the toilet."

"Michael Bay has this innate sense of how to ruin a great story," Variety reporter Todd Brick said. "His ability to create astonishing plot holes, pepper dialogue with groan-inducing clichés, and abandon storylines halfway through is unparalleled. He was born to destroy this movie."

Obviously, this story is bogus. We've never employed anybody named Todd Brick.

Broken Social Scene frontman Kevin Drew directs this touching yet somewhat unraveling short entitled, "The Water." We'd tell you what it's about but we don't want to ruin the surprise. Cillian Murphy ("28 Days Later," "Batman Begins") and Drew's close friend/singer Feist star. Click here to watch.

(Source: Pitchfork)

Fans of Mike Judge rejoice! The hilarious creator of such hits as "Office Space" and "King of the Hill" appears to be returning to form in "Extract," Miramax's new comedy starring Jason Bateman, Ben Affleck and Mila Kunis.

Check out the teaser below. It looks a KA-JILLION times better than "Idiocracy." Then again, what doesn't?

"Extract" hits theaters September 4th.

If you aren't up to speed on the fracas inspired by the "Wolverine" piracy/Roger Friedman review, click here. As to where things stand now? Depends who you ask!

On Friday, when Friedman posted his "Wolverine" review, this was blowback from 20th Century Fox:

We've just been made aware that Roger Friedman, a freelance columnist who writes Fox 411 on Foxnews.com - an entirely separate company from 20th Century Fox -- watched on the internet and reviewed a stolen and unfinished version of X-Men Orgins: Wolverine. This behavior is reprehensible and we condemn this act categorically -- whether the review is good or bad.

Then, as rumors circulated that Friedman's punishment had escalated from hand-slapping to neck-snapping, News Corp. released this statement late Saturday night:

Roger Friedman’s views in no way reflect the views of News Corporation. We, along with 20th Century Fox Film Corporation, have been a consistent leader in the fight against piracy and have zero tolerance for any action that encourages and promotes piracy. When we advised Fox News of the facts they took immediate action, removed the post, and promptly terminated Mr. Friedman.

Except! Friedman told Variety that he hasn't been fired. And while Fox News isn't ready to back him up, they're not ready to concede defeat, either. Yeah, Friedman's post basically acted as an Evite for anyone who hadn't seen "Wolverine" online already, but... Friedman's a brand-name draw for Foxnews.com. Can't we all just get along? So here's the Fox News stance as of Sunday afternoon:

This is an internal matter that we're not prepared to discuss at this time.

Three different News Corp. divisions, three different statements. This is the best reality programming the networks have seen all season.

This week's online leak of "Wolverine" wreaked 31 flavors of corporate havoc at 20th Century Fox -- so what was Fox News "freelance" columnist (a decade's worth of freelancing, but who's counting) Roger Friedman thinking when he posted a review of the film on Friday?

Reports say he's been fired for this act of treason -- and let's say, for the sake of argument, that's the case. But sweet smoking Jehosaphat, was or wasn't, what the hell?

To quote Friedman via Rope of Silicon (which had the foresight to get a screengrab, since the review has since been pulled):

Yes, I’ve seen “X Men Origins: Wolverine.” It wasn’t at a screening, either. I found a work in progress print of it, 95 percent completed, on the internet last night. Let’s hope by now it’s gone.

Some commenters are arguing that if Friedman's been fired, it's shooting the messenger since this is how so many people are watching entertainment content, how can you deny that, blah blee blurgh.

OK, I'll give you that -- but if Friedman's a humble messenger, I wouldn't want him anywhere near a UPS truck. "I found a work in progress print"? Really? Wow, aren't you something. You must use Google.

Beyond being a dumb statement, given the level of attention to the "Wolverine" piracy crime (hi, FBI!), it was a deeply disingenuous one for any carbon-based lifeform, much less for an entertainment writer and one who is/was employed by News Corp. Sez his would-be former employer:

Roger Friedman’s views in no way reflect the views of News Corporation. We, along with 20th Century Fox Film Corporation, have been a consistent leader in the fight against piracy and have zero tolerance for any action that encourages and promotes piracy. Once we learned of Roger Friedman’s post we asked Fox News to remove it, which they did immediately.

Whatever else may come out of this, I hereby recommend the creation of an entertainment category for the Darwin Awards: The Friedman.

Just days after the MPAA slapped Sacha Baron Cohen and Universal Pictures' "Bruno" with an NC-17 rating, the "Borat" creator has unleashed the first trailer for his new comedy on MySpace. Enjoy.

Warning: Adult content ahead!

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While shooting Ridley Scott's upcoming Robin Hood pic in England, Russell Crowe found some down time to write a new poem. (Or, at least, borrow lyrics from Billy Bragg, Elvis Costello, John Lennon, Rudyard Kipling and The Bee Gees).

After being awarded the 'Actor of Our Lifetime' honor at Sunday's Empire Film Awards in London, Crowe read this self-penned entry to the audience:

I am celebrating my love for you with a pint of beer and a new tattoo.

Imagine there's no heaven.

I don't know if you're loving somebody. To be a poet and not know the trade, to be a lover and repel all women. Twin ironies by which great saints are made, the agonising pincer-jaws of heaven.

If you can walk with crowds and keep your virtue, walk with kings but not lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much;

yours is the earth and everything that's in it and what's more, you'll be a man.

The Guardian claims Crowe's acceptance speech was in response to the 2002 BAFTA's, where Crowe delivered another lyrical composition only to have the poem cut out of the broadcast entirely.

"Thank you for this honor," Crowe said at Sunday's Empire gala. "And thank you for this opportunity to read some poetry at a British awards ceremony. It is one of my favourite things to do."

--Stuart Oldham

Last week on "Important Things with Demetri Martin," the Comedy Central star debuted the first trailer for director Ang Lee's new music feature, "Taking Woodstock."

The movie, based on Elliot Tiber's novel about the iconic '60s fest, stars Demetri Martin alongside Emile Hirsch, Liev Schreiber, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Paul Dano.

While this trailer feels a little like "Almost Famous" and "Milk's" love child (albeit on a smaller budget), it's refreshing to know that Focus Features is issuing a late Summer release (August 14th), when theaters and moviegoers have grown tired of relentless blockbuster action.

Plus, it's Ang Lee and hippies, which is pretty far out (we hope...).

Her films have grossed over $5 billion dollars worldwide. And with the release of "Duplicity" on the horizon, we beg the question: What's the best Julia Roberts movie??

Annoying Reminder: Feel free to mention something not featured below. (i.e. 'Mystic Pizza')

Modest Mouse has announced plans to release "King Rat," a music video animated by Terry Gilliam and directed by Heath Ledger. The song is a bonus track from the band's 2007 release "We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank." No date set.

Also without a date is the other Ledger-Gilliam collaboration, "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus." Incomplete at the time of Ledger's death and since wrapped with the help of Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell, the $30 million film remains without a North American distributor (Lionsgate will release it in the UK).

"Heathers: The Musical" sounds like a great idea to us. The movie came out more than 20 years ago and it's still seared into our brainpans. "Race to Witch Mountain" director Andy Fickman, who directed the "Reefer Madness" musical, is developing the project with "Legally Blonde" composer Larry O'Keefe. Original producer Denise DiNovi is serving as the musical's executive producer; not directly involved is writer Dan Waters, though he's given the thumbs up:

The project has the blessing of Waters, who controls the underlying rights to the material. Fickman said he sat down with Waters early on "to make sure we were on the same page" and that Waters has seen the readings.
"He understood that our goals were to be creatively attuned to his original work," said Fickman.
The film offered many over-top-moments as well as choice lines, something Fickman is eager to bring out musically.
" 'I love my dead gay son,' " Fickman quoted. "If you can get that into a song, then that is just perfect."

Indeed it is. Just imagine the possibilities: "How Very," "F*ck Me Gently with a Chainsaw," "Great Pâté, Mom, But I've Gotta Motor" "Bulimia is so '87" and of course, "Our Love is God (Now Let's Go Get a Slushie)." That one should bring down the house. [THR] 

Now imagine "Watchmen" as directed by Woody Allen, Sofia Coppola, Judd Apatow, Quentin Tarantino and Tyler Perry. Your subconscious will haunt thank you for years to come. [Slate]

Fanboys be damned. If there's an award for most aggressive, all-encompassing viral campaigning, I'm giving it to "Watchmen."

Full disclosure: I've never read the graphic novel and I have neither interest nor enmity toward the movie. However, the onslaught of fresh online promotional material -- consistent while stopping short of bludgeoning -- has been truly impressive.

Credit goes to London-based outfits Picture Production Company and Rubber Republic, which today sent me a link that allows you to run through Rorschach's psychological evaluation and unlock a half-dozen unseen film scenes.

Rubber Republic "engagement planner" (those kooky Brits) Adam Abu-Nab writes:

Probably one of my sad final Watchmen notes... There's also a huge Dr. Manhattan projection I'll be filming over the Thames tonight using the world's largest water projector. I'll drop you a note later when I've popped it up on YouTube! Should be fun though. (hope it's not nude, mind).

For those keeping track at home, the film's Rotten Tomatoes rating has slipped from 82% on Monday to 64% today (as of 7:30pm PST). Noted: USA Today memorably describes Billy Crudup's Dr. Manhattan as an "NC-17-rated member of the Blue Man Group, draws comparisons to "Showgirls" and finally dismisses the movie as "only a jot more entertaining than 'Catwoman' " Meowch.

God bless Catholic League president Bill Donohue, who can always be counted on for a good, if Quixotic, fight. Today was the first of multiple press releases regarding his campaign to educate the public about the agenda behind Ron Howard's adaptation of Dan Brown's “Angels & Demons.” Says Donohue:

Next week we will begin to make available to the public a booklet that I wrote on ‘Angels & Demons.’ It details the myths, lies and smears that are made against the Catholic Church. It also provides evidence of the anti-Catholic animus harbored by those associated with the film.... Brown-Howard are obsessed with Catholicism. It is not enough to criticize it—they are hell bent on demonizing it. It is not enough to drag out dirty laundry—they invent it. And the fact that they pay absolutely no price for their propaganda shows beyond dispute that anti-Catholicism is the one bigotry Hollywood likes.

OK! For those keeping track at home, here's what we can expect:

TUESDAY, MARCH 3: "We will have something to say about the lies."

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4: "We will address the anti-Catholic sentiments of the producers and film crew."

WEEK OF MARCH 9: "We will release the booklet."

THEREAFTER: "By the time we are finished with ‘Angels & Demons,’ there should be few who won’t know what the Brown-Howard agenda entails.”

Looking forward to it, Mr. Donohue. In the meantime, I only hope his booklet can live up to the expectations of the tracts from my youth:

Beware: A fanboy's frenzy cuts both ways. The theaters are booked, the videos have gone viral (the above clip, posted to YouTube this morning, is the last one of a weeks-long campaign) and release of the long-anticipated, lawsuit-strewn "Watchmen" is just days away... but there are signs that a backlash tsunami could be brewing.

James Hunt at Den of Geek writes:

It might surprise you to learn this, but as a comics fan, I have no interest in seeing the Watchmen movie.... Frank Miller’s Spirit already demonstrated perfectly well why you might not want to see Watchmen. The beauty of Eisner’s comics was never anything to do with the pulpy characters – it was all about the design of the page, the flow of the storytelling, the very act of Eisner re-inventing a medium even as he worked within it. You can try to make a film reflect that, but the one thing you can’t do is copy it.

[snip]

By his own admission, Watchmen is nothing more than Snyder attempting to get people to read the graphic novel – and hey, I’m way ahead of him... this is one case where the book isn’t just better than the film – it makes the film unnecessary.

Well, then what about those of us who haven't been previously inculcated into the "Watchmen" cult? Variety's own Justin Chang (who read the graphic novel before reviewing the film but did not count himself among its original fans) says that the film offers little opportunity to inspire fresh converts:

Yet the movie is ultimately undone by its own reverence; there’s simply no room for these characters and stories to breathe of their own accord, and even the most fastidiously replicated scenes can feel glib and truncated. As “Watchmen” lurches toward its apocalyptic (and slightly altered) finale, something happens that didn’t happen in the novel: Wavering between seriousness and camp, and absent the cerebral tone that gave weight to some of the book’s headier ideas, the film seems to yield to the very superhero cliches it purports to subvert.

Oh. And as Anne Thompson points out, Anthony Lane at the New Yorker buries the film:

The problem is that Snyder, following Moore, is so insanely aroused by the look of vengeance, and by the stylized application of physical power, that the film ends up twice as fascistic as the forces it wishes to lampoon. The result is perfectly calibrated for its target group: nobody over twenty-five could take any joy from the savagery that is fleshed out onscreen, just as nobody under eighteen should be allowed to witness it.

A fanboy might ask: What do you expect? It's the New Yorker. Meanwhile, Fandango reported today that the film currently comprises 61% of the site’s sales, with dozens of midnight Thursday night showtimes already sold out. And there are plenty of critics swift to disagree with the naysayers; RT currently gives the film an 82% rating ("technical and thematic strengths overwhelm its narrative shortcomings").

Of course, "Watchmen" creator Alan Moore has long distanced himself entirely from this adaptation and any others that might stem from his works. Maybe his futuristic visions are even more accurate than we'd thought.

RELATED: Five graphic novels Hollywood needs to stay away from [MovieRetriever]

In what seems like an almost too-obvious connection, nonprofit organization Writers In Treatment, or WIT, has announced that it will host the Reel Recovery Film Series, an (wait for it) addiction-themed film festival.

The eight films that will screen on Tuesdays in April and May at the Silent Movie Theatre in Los Angeles are “Permanent Midnight” (frustrated novelist writes for sitcom, becomes heroin addict), “Lost Weekend” (unsuccessful writer goes on four-day drinking binge), “Leaving Las Vegas” (alcoholic writer has final fling with prostitute while drinking himself to death), “Sid and Nancy” (rock star and codependent muse become heroin addicts), “Days of Wine and Roses” (alcoholic flack marries, introduces bride to Brandy Alexanders), “Less Than Zero” (preppy college student returns to LA to find that his friends have become addicts), “Barfly” (alcoholic writer falls in love with fellow barfly; his agent fights her for him, loses) and “Ivans xtc” (top Hollywood agent becomes addicted to everything, dies).

To be clear, WIT is dedicated to helping "writers addicted to alcohol and/or drugs get effective treatment for their disease." Membership is open to those over 18 who derive at least 25% of their income from writing, commit to residential treatment "and agree to participate in a relapse prevention program such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous." A candidate must also submit an essay of up to "750 words describing their addiction, its consequences and any previous or current treatment history."

With that audience, this lineup might run the risk of being mistaken for documentaries. However, WIT co-founder Leonard Lee Buschel says, “This series isn’t just for addicts or alcoholics. It’s for anyone who has ever been impacted or just wants to learn more about the disease and its treatment in a less traditional and entertaining environment.”

“Permanent Midnight” author Jerry Stahl and “Ivans xtc” director Bernard Rose are expected to attend, while additional invites are out to thesps including Ben Stiller, Danny Huston and Robert Downey, Jr. (Downey’s father, director Robert Downey Sr., sits on WIT's board.)

Attendees will be treated to a live jazz preshow, a post-screening discussion, free popcorn and presumably, a variety of soft drinks.

Now that "Slumdog Millionaire" has your hearts and minds, it's coming for your vocabulary. According to language monitoring group Global Language Monitor (wha who?):

"Jai Ho!", Hindi for 'Let There be Victory' and the title of the movie's Oscar-winning best song, and "Slumdog" -- the controversial term coined by the filmmakers for young slum-dwellers in Mumbai -- were named the top "HollyWords" of the year that closed with last Sunday's Oscars.

The Global Language Monitor, which uses an algorithm to track the frequency of words and phrases in the world's print and electronic media, said it was rare for two words from the same movie to be ranked in its annual list.

Frankly, I think it's even more bizarre that someone has a job at something called Global Language Monitor. 

Also on the GLM's Top 10 List for 2008: "Nuke the Fridge" ("Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"), "Hmong" ("Gran Torino"), "What doesn't kill you makes you... stranger" ("The Dark Knight") and "There are no coincidences" ("Kung Fu Panda"). [Reuters]

Has Lindsay Lohan gotten her career back? According to Just Jared, she beat out Sophia Bush for the lead female role in the remake of "A Nightmare On Elm Street," which is being directed by Samuel "I did Nirvana's 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' video" Bayer. The story includes a quote from the film’s producer, Andrew Form:

“We were lucky to receive a call from Jason Weinberg, Lindsay’s manager,” Andrew tells JustJared.com. “He called us to tell us that Lindsay was very interested in the film and wanted to be a part of it. We called Jason back after Wesley Strick finished the script and asked if Lindsay wanted to look at the first draft. She looked it over and loved it. She thought this was the perfect vehicle for her.”

UPDATED TO ADD: Yep, we got punk'd. So far, it's happened twice to HAL; the other occasion was with the UTA job list. My question is: Who's pretending to be Andrew Form? (Read the open letter here.)

While I wish the "Nightmare" team nothing but success, at this point any vehicle that promises to drive Lohan away from the Dubai celebrity circuit and back into a movie career has to look pretty good.

Since 2006, she's starred in a series of excrable and semi-excrable films including "Just My Luck," "Bobby," "Chapter 27," "Georgia Rule" and, most recently, everyone's favorite psychic-schizophrenic-serial killing-stripper movie, "I Know Who Killed Me."

Up next for Lohan is "Labor Pains," which doesn't have a U.S. distribution date because it doesn't have a domestic distributor. (Its producer, Nu Image/Millennium, also produced Jessica Simpson's most recent film, the direct-to-DVD "Major Movie Star," aka "Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous") So, yes, at this point Freddy Kreuger looks positively sexy. (And on that note, last summer JoBlo reported that Billy Bob Thornton was under consideration for the role.)

UPDATE: Despite online rumors, producer Brad Fuller has refuted JustJared's story, saying that Lindsay Lohan is not, in fact, starring in the "Nightmare on Elm Street" remake. "We haven't hired a casting director yet," Fuller wrote in an email to Entertainment Weekly, "so we haven't had any casting discussions at all."

The Council of the Art Directors Guild has announced what it calls a "selection of 100 magnificently designed theatrical films selected from 1898 through the year 2000." Among them are "LA Confidential," "The Cabinet of Dr, Caligari," "Gone With the Wind," "2001: A Space Odyssey" and (!) "Heaven's Gate."

While the release describes these as "ADG Top 100 Designed Films," the ADG rep was careful to point out that the 100 have no intended order other than chronological; the films were selected from the years 1898-2000. Similarly, the word "designed" has a broad definition here, as the ADG reps "2,000 craftspeaople variously engaged in the art of designing moving images for film."

Now that such great pains have been taken to ensure that no one feels slighted, I'm sure someone will; that's what awards seasons are for. But in the meantime, enjoy the pretty pictures.

I'm inclined to agree with Richard at Gawker: It looks like "Grindhouse Goes to France." ("La Maison de Morcellement Va en France"! Eww.) But don't take my word for it:

According to IMDB, Mickey Rourke made his film debut in 1979, in Steven Spielberg's "1941." Not so! Thanks to the good folks at Cinetic Media, you can now see his first film in all of its grainy glory: The 1976 "Love In The Hamptons" is available via Amazon On Demand and the 25-minute movie (adapted from a 1972 New Yorker short story) can be yours for a mere $1.99. (Yes, I know "1941" still stands as his first feature. But still.)

Says Matt Dentler at Cinetic: "A month ago, the director reached out to us and said, 'I've got this thing I've had for 30 years; are your interested?' We were able to do something really quickly and we wanted to get it out in the weeks before the Oscars." 

Click here for a one-minute preview that includes a plinky piano score (by Bill Conti! who was Oscar-nominated for "Rocky," which came out the same year!) and plenty of Rourke's patent-pending soulful gazes.

Warner Bros. has released the red band trailer for "Observe and Report" (release date: April 10), which stars Seth Rogen as a dimwit mall cop. However, this comedy is no Paul Blartian also-ran; judging by the trailer, Rogen's Ronnie Barnhardt bears a much greater resemblance to, say, Travis Bickle.

It's a red band; the usual cautions apply. 
 
 

If you thought Christian Bale's Batman voice was scary, wait until you hear the Welsh wallop he hands cinematographer Shane Hurlbut on the set of "Terminator: Salvation." The actor went into what could be charitably called a tirade, apparently because Hurlbut had the temerity to exist. When Hurlbut apologizes, Bale explodes. "No, don't be sorry! Think for one fucking second! Th' fuck are you doing?" It goes on -- and on -- from there, but someone else will have to complete the transcription; it's too painful for repeated listenings. The only thing more painful would be if Bale had actually received an Oscar nomination for his work in "The Dark Knight," because this certainly would have been its undoing. (Thanks, Stu) [TMZ]

When there's Polish movie posters, why would anyone settle for a Hollywood one-sheet? They began out of poverty -- the Polish Film Department wanted to avoid the costs of using officially sanctioned promotional materials -- but they became skewed cultural masterpieces of their own, especially since the artists delighted in inverting traditional advertising mores and often didn't understand what the film was about beyond one or two lines of badly translated text. For "Fatal Attraction," we can only presume the communicated logline was "evil she-serpent turns on adoring hand" -- which, if memory serves, isn't too far from the truth.  To purchase, check out Polish Posters. -- Erin Maxwell [Cracked]

"Fatal Attraction"

"Boogie Nights"

"Star Wars"

If you happen to be in Arizona, please go see "Killshot" and tell us how it is. The Weinstein Co. thriller, which wrapped in October 2005 (not including reshoots), stars newly minted Oscar nominee Mickey Rourke opposite Diane Lane and opened in five Arizona theaters January 23. It has earned $10,741 to date.

The project sounded promising -- John Madden ("Shakespeare in Love") directing Hossein Amini's adaptation of an Elmore Leonard novel -- and the review (singular), from the improbably named Arizona Republic film critic Bill Goodykoontz, is fairly positive, calling the plot "implausible" but the performances "uniformly good, if not great." 

Still: It's an ignonimous end. Why Arizona? Every now and then, studios take their movies to the desert to die a la Joe Pesci in "Casino" (minus the bat to the face, although it might feel that way for those involved). [EDITED TO ADD: As a detail-minded commenter has pointed out, Pesci was not bludgeoned in the desert; he was bludgeoned in a cornfield, after which he was buried alive. I point this out for the sake of accuracy while being unwilling to find a more appropriate representative for the otherwise tidy logic of a nifty metaphor.]

However, barely releasing a film in one of the nation's most popular retirement communities is a more dignified (and perhaps, more contractually satisfying) than a straight-to-DVD release.

The film, ironically enough, is about a woman who goes into hiding as part of the FBI's witness protection program. Thomas Jane, Rosario Dawson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt co-star. -- Stuart Oldham

Edited to add: Dissatisfied with its arid desert beatdown, Weinstein Co. adds insult to injury with this note (found on Hollywood Elsewhere): "An email sent to Arizona critics on 1.21.09 by Allied Advertising & Public Relations' Jessica Sotelo (and forwarded to me) stated that "Killshot starring Diane Lane and Mickey Rourke is being distributed under the Third Rail Release and NOT The Weinstein Company. Please make any updates/corrections on this with your reviews/opening mentions." (Thanks, Jeff and Jeff)

For the record, it's Third Rail Releasing. And furthermore: Third Rail is the genre-film arm of... the Weinstein Co.

For a look at what WeinCo/Third Rail would really you rather not see, here's the trailer:

"Slumdog Millionaire" has opened in India and Jeremy Page points out some interesting factoids about its release, including a change in its one-sheet (now featuring supporting actor and Bollywood star Anil Kapoor, who portrays the gameshow host ) and its title ("Slumdog Crorepati." Crorepati is Hindi for 10 million rupees). He also says that "activists" suggest that director Danny Boyle should share his Oscar nomination with co-dorector Loveleen Tandan who "shot many scenes, made key script changes and rewrote the children’s dialogue in Hindi." Ms. Tamdan has also been a casting director on many Indian-culture films, including "Slumdog," "Brick Lane" and "Monsoon Wedding." [Times]

"CBS Consumer Products has just released images of the eagerly anticipated Star Trek Barbie Dolls from Mattel. The dolls have been created mainly for collectors and are for ages 6+. The three dolls - Kirk, Spock, and Lieutenant Uhura - are modeled after the three actors playing the same roles in this summer's blockbuster film STAR TREK hitting theatres on May 8th!

"The price point for the three dolls is $43.19. They will be on shelves April 20th. Mattel is distributing to Walmart and walmart.com, Barbiecollector.com and Barbie collector dealers. They are selling them as an assortment (but the dolls come individually wrapped, no two or three-packs). Select international markets will have the dolls as well (but no specific dates or info. on that yet)." [press release]

I don't see much TV. (Neither a boast nor an admission of guilt. When I do watch, I prefer switching aimlessly between movies I've seen before.) However, I may have to start if only for producer Chuck Lorre's ("The Big Bang Theory," "Two and a Half Men") show-closing vanity cards, which are random and brilliant. (Scratch that; he has a whole site devoted to them. Problem solved!)

WARNING: If you like your Oscar fodder unspoiled, stop reading now. Even so, you might want to reconsider, as this is sort of genius.

A stroke of genius, this: The sole work of tragic genius and former hotel overseer Jack Torrance, best known for his portrayal by Jack Nicholson in "The Shining," has come to light. It's a slim work -- just 80 pages -- but it reflects a clarity of vision and single-minded concentration that's all but disappeared in today's Twitter-centric world.

The title? "All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy," of course.

"AWANPMJADB" is the brainchild of New York artist Phil Buehler, who tells Alison Flood, "If you're not a (Stanley) Kubrick or (Stephen) King fan, you might not even get it." Apparently, such people do exist and Buehler is engaged to one of them: "I finally showed her the movie, and she realized I wasn't really losing it," he said.

The book is available in both paperback ($8.95) and hardcover ($22.95) through publish-yourself outlet blurb.com, which also offers a free 15-page preview and, best, of all, this author bio on the back flap:

"John Daniel 'Jack' Torrance was formerly a prep school teacher before returning to writing. He died before his debut work, 'All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy,' was published." [Guardian -- thanks, Erin!] 

It's official: Wannabe Oscar-bait "Seven Pounds" is the critical cuddle buddy to Will Smith's godforsaken 2004 Michael Bay sequel, "Bad Boys II."

While "Seven Pounds" is no "Delgo" -- which, as S.T. Van Airsdale points out, apparently has already disappeared from theaters altogether -- Smith's new movie was supposed to be a bid at awards-season glory. Rotten Tomatoes has the film at a 27% approval rating, with Metacritic weighing in at 35. (By RT's measure, however, "Seven Pounds" isn't even the worst film in release; that honor goes to "The Day the Earth Stood Still.")

Still, Will! "Bad Boys II" earned a 24% RT rating, although that wasn't his career worst; that honor goes to the 1999 stinker "Wild Wild West," which earned a 21% rating.

What does 27% look like? Something like this:

"'Seven Pounds' features the best performance by a jellyfish in a film this year. Really, the thing is mesmerizing." -- Tom Long, Detroit News

"It's probably safe to argue that never before has the spirit of giving been pushed any higher. How high? According to my altimeter, to that oxygen-deprived point where lachrymose meets laughable." -- Rick Groen, Globe and Mail

"I don’t see how any review could really spoil what may be among the most transcendently, eye-poppingly, call-your-friend-ranting-in-the-middle-of-the-night-just-to-go-over-it-one-more-time crazily awful motion pictures ever made. I would tell you to go out and see it for yourself, but you might take that as a recommendation rather than a plea for corroboration." -- A.O. Scott, The New York Times

Good grief. Still, take heart, Columbia Pictures; even our own Todd McCarthy, who panned the film as "off-putting for its manifest manipulations, as well as its pretentiousness and self-importance," found something nice to say:

"All the same, the climax will be emotionally devastating for many viewers, perhaps particularly those with serious religious beliefs, meaning there’s a substantial audience out there for this profoundly peculiar drama, if word gets around."

Which, presuming that it doesn't pull a "Delgo," it probably will. [Hat tip to Steve G.]

When Tom Cruise was shooting "Valkyrie," Germans were none too happy; newspaper Welt am Sonntag sniffed that "Cruise as Stauffenberg is about as deep as a bowl of Corn Flakes." Now that the movie's done, Spiegel International reports, German critics have begun to damn the film with faint praise.

"Measured in terms of all the things the film was accused of, measured in terms of all that could have gone wrong, one can almost call it a triumph," writes the Munich-based Süddeutsche Zeitung newspaper. "It's definitely the most exciting, realistic and complex feature film about July 20, even if the benchmark -- three German attempts between 1955 and 2004 -- wasn't unattainably high."

"One can also say that Hollywood has never taken such a thoroughly German issue as seriously as it has with this opulent, logistical cinematographic effort."

Daily Die Welt is less impressed but writes that the film does a good job explaining a complicated plot to an international audience. "The whole Valkyrie project seems a little intimidated by history, by its exact reconstructions and by German sensitivities," the paper writes.

That said, Die Welt dings Cruise's take on Claus Count Schenk von Stauffenberg, saying that he was "a German hero of aristocratic demeanour, and that's a dimension that Cruise totally fails to portray." And Berlin daily Der Tagesspiegel says "Valkryie" appears artistically and commercially doomed:

"...because it doesn't dare to be popcorn cinema and at the same time lacks any higher conceptual brilliance. The only thing that can definitely be said about this cinema adventure is that Tom Cruise, who has been damaged by his bizarre talk show behavior, may well continue storming the heights of the Scientology hierarchy as a thetan, but his image as an actor has been finally ruined by Valkyrie." [Spiegel]

Think "Delgo" had it bad? Then you've never seen just how little the British care about American football. From a commenter:

Universal opened "The Express" on 100 screens in the UK last weekend and did a three-day screen average of £53.55 (yes, that decimal place is in the right place). £10 average ticket price means you are looking at roughly 5 people per screen all weekend.

Let's be kind and assume three screenings a day per screen, that's 9 screenings. 5 people to every 9 screenings. If that's not a world-record, I'd be surprised. This past weekend, the film dropped 99 of its 100 screens and took £256. Considering the top screen did 5 times the average in the second week of release, it doesn't take a genius to work out that some of those 100 screens sat totally empty for 9 screenings in the first weekend of opening.

A quick look at Nielsen's data reveals the exact number. 8 empty screens. 24 cinema screenings at which not a single person was present. This past Monday, the final screen that survived to live another week and scrape £256 out of the weekend took £0. Yesterday it improved......and took £6 (one child ticket). Makes 'Delgo' look like a blockbuster!

Last week's release of downmarket animated film "Delgo" achieved the, er, distinction of becoming the worst opening weekend of 2008. Writes Jonathan Crow at Yahoo Movies:

"Delgo" earned a measly $511,920 this weekend on 2,160 screens, not even breaking the top ten. That's an average of $237 per screen for the three days. If you figure there were five screenings a day, and assume ticket prices are about $8, that comes out to two people in the theater per showing.

Ouch. However, before anyone accuses me of putting the boot in on a helpless little indie (it was released by rent-a-system Freestyle), I'd like to point out that "Delgo" is not alone. Virtually every distributor with the capacity to open a film in more than 2,000 theaters found itself on the wrong end of a per-screen average this year.

Sifting through the 2008 releases contained within the Box Office Mojo charts that rank the top-50 worst openings of all time, Fox is unparalleled with six placements: "Deception," "City of Ember," "Meet Dave," "Babylon A.D.," "The X Files: I Want To Believe" and "Nim's Island."

The Hugh Jackman-Ewan McGregor thriller "Deception" ranks as both the lowest-earning total box office ($4.6 million, soon to be trounced by "Delgo") and the highest opening percentage; the film earned more than 50% of its take on that ignoble opening weekend. (Lionsgate's "Punisher: War Zone" currently ranks higher, at 61%, but it's still in theaters.)

For more details, see the chart after the jump. (All due thanks to Box Office Mojo, which made this exercise possible.) And one more thing: This lineup suggests an audience's enthusiasm for a film at Comic-Con may or may not have any bearing on what happens when it's actually time to pay for a movie.

As you might have noticed, the world is not going too well of late. Industries dying, evil men making off (really, could he have been better named?) with billions and, well, industries dying. In fact, so many are doing so badly that they have fallen prey to everyone's favorite hobgoblin of little minds: The shamelessly hoary cliche. Ryan Tate writes:

Oh God SHUT UP: Your company/industry/economy did not fail because of a "perfect storm," a chance, disastrous combination of outside events. It failed because you sucked!

It turns out the term "perfect storm" is barely 10 years old and is actually derived from the book of the same name, later made into a movie. In the short interim period the "perfect storm" has become the perfect bleat for whiny businessmen everywhere.

Among those who have taken shelter in "the perfect storm" are Sam Zell, GM CEO Rick Wagoner, Countrywide CEO Angelo Mozilo and countless "analysts" on cable news shows that should know better. And, um, this paper.

Of course, as cute as Sebastian Junger may be, there's no way that the title of his slim, albeit best-selling, nonfiction book would be vying for most annoying catchphrase of the 21st century if it weren't for the evil Hollywood henchmen -- in this case, Warner Bros., Wolfgang Petersen and those twin horsemen of the apocalypse, George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg, who turned it into a would-be "Jaws," with the Atlantic Ocean standing in for Bruce and, you know, a not-so-happy ending.

Hear that? THEY ALL DROWNED. No one survived the perfect storm. So will everyone please stop trying to draw comparisons? It's almost like you're asking for it and really, we need all the help we can get.

Those were two more cliches. The difference is in this case, they're true. [Gawker]

So, 20th Century Fox is going to beam "The Day The Earth Stood Still" into "deep space," making it "the world's first galactic motion picture release." Free movies in space -- how thoughtful! Although it should be noted that Fox is by no means the first when it comes to silly marketing stunts designed to garner free advertising; for a primer, I highly recommend "Step Right Up! I'm Gonna Scare the Pants Off America," the autobiography of filmmaker William Castle. Among his many achievements were taking out a Lloyds of London insurance policy for anyone who was frightened to death by "Macabre," buzzing theater seats for his release of "The Tingler" and tried to create a tie-in with Gillette for a film that featured Joan Crawford as an axe-wielding murderess: "Go see 'Strait-Jacket' and then cut your head off with a Gillette." (Gillette hung up on him.) Sorry, Fox, you still have a long way to go.

All right, I'm impressed. Nerdoh is an online T-shirt company in the UK that appears to have a warehouse in the alternate universe that contains Jack Horner Movie Productions ("Boogie Nights"), the Titty Twister ("From Dusk Till Dawn"), Camp Crystal Lake ("Friday the 13th," of course -- does that one really need the little blood spatter?) and Umbrella Corp. ("Resident Evil"). They're good-looking logos and some are unnecessary (the motel from "The Devil's Rejects"? Really?), but what really gets me is the curators' (for that's what the owners are) obsessive nature. I didn't even remember that Eric Draven had a band in "The Crow," much less that it was called "Hangmans Joke" or that they produced an album, "Last Laugh." (I missed the foreshadowing -- dammit!) Do you know where Indiana Jones taught archeology? (Barnett College, of course.) And if the one for Cross Roads Mall doesn't get you, the one for Andy's Gun Shop will -- it's the place across from the mall that proved so very valuable in "Dawn of the Dead."

Not trusting its female guests to keep their bras on, Disneyland has swapped out "Pirates of the Caribbean" captain Jack Sparrow for the considerably more G-rated charms of "Tinkerbell" fairies. Disneyland spokeswoman Suzi Brown scoffed at the notion that the Sparrow character inspired tawdry behavior, calling the charge "absolutely false" and crediting the decision wholly to his decline in relevance and visitor requests. Well, who didn't see that coming, especially since Johnny Depp has agreed to reprise his role for the fourth time as the $2.7 billion franchise's smoky-eyed pirate. Disneyland says Sparrow will return to the park "someday" -- probably around 2012, which is when Disney has slated the next film for release. In the meantime, this nice fellow would like you to know that he's willing to travel and is available seven days a week. [KTLA -- thanks, Erin!]

Good morning! It's Monday, December 8, and "Australia" is still tanking! Fox spent $130 million on the sweeping, bodice-ripping, mustache-twirling, cattle-driving, Aborigine-loving epic and after two weeks it's made just $31 million in North America; whatever could have gone wrong? Anne Thompson explains it all for you:

For one thing, it's a sweeping, bodice-ripping, mustache-twirling, cattle-driving, Aborigine-loving epic. "The heart of the movie--the part that works--is the story of the half-breed Aborigine boy (Brandon Walters). But in order to make a Hollywood epic of big-budget scale and scope, Baz Luhrmann had to embellish that core, adding a western cattle drive, a bodice-ripping romance, wicked villains, an air battle and CG effects. How could any movie sustain all that?"

Other problems include spending studio budgets on arthouse epics; Nicole Kidman; a clawless and considerably less hirsute Hugh Jackman; crap marketing; crap reviews and the fact that Luhrmann waited until the last minute to turn in in his homework: "This trend of directors hanging on to their movies until the last minute and studios letting them get away with it should stop. This was not the kind of movie that could be sold in one weekend with ads... The smaller, less chaotic version of this movie might have had a better chance. Too bad."

However, all is not lost: There's no reason that "Australia" can't become a sweeping, bodice-ripping, mustache-twirling, cattle-driving, Aborigine-loving musical. Writes Thompson, "Fox should put the Broadway show into development forthwith." Indeed; all it needs is an exclamation point. "Australia!: The Musical," here we come. [Variety; ILLUSTRATION BY DANA HARRIS ]

WALL-E, via Bento box.

Credit and massive respect to kickedintheheadcomic and AnnaTheRed's Bento Factory blog. (Thanks, Jeff!)

This "Iron Man" photo...

began on Flickr, as this photo:

There's a great backstory; read it here. [Cinematical; photo credit: Adactio]

Nirpal Dhaliwal says that Bollywood has adapted the concept behind the generally reviled Adam Sandler comedy "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" into "a terrific movie - the best and funniest Bollywood film I've seen in a very long time." Set in Miami, the film is "Dostana"  ("Friendship"), in which nurse Sameer and photographer Kunal pose as a couple in order to rent an apartment from an old woman who won't let straight men live with her beautiful niece.

Writes Dhaliwal, "It's a film that only Bollywood could pull off. Much of the comedy value is provided by the fact that everyone is Indian. The wailing hysterics of Sameer's Punjabi mother give way to love for her son's sweetheart, making for a very funny scene in which she performs Hindu marital rites on Kunal. Ushering the new bride into her family by marking his head with a tilak and placing a bowl of rice at his feet, Kunal tips it over the threshold with relish, delighted to convince Seema of her son's homosexuality as Sameer watches, grinding his teeth in the background." [Guardian]

There are all sorts of reasons that Warner Bros.' American remake of the anime classic "Akira" could turn out badly. Here are some of them.

Heads up, all you music supervisors who believe the highest expression of your art is a stint on "Grey's Anatomy" or on Wes Anderson's next movie. Ronald Bergan has a real challenge for you: "Leaving aside the many meretricious or fanciful biopics of composers or films about musicians, there have been few instances of celluloid characters actually listening to classical music."

He cites Manoel de Oliveira's "Belle Toujours" as containing 'one of the rare extended sequences of classical music in a film, to which the characters listen intently, without talking." Even Ingmar Bergman's work was unable to scale the heights; Bergan says the auteur presents the overture to "The Magic Flute" "as if it was a Coca-Cola commercial, cutting rapidly between faces in an audience of all ages and races." And too often classical music serves as a cue for bloodthirsty madness to follow, as in "A Clockwork Orange," "Elephant," "Funny Games" and "The Piano Teacher."

Intriguing stuff, but he loses points for this sentence: "Pier Pasolini has seldom been bettered for the use of non-diegetic classical music, but that's another blog." God, I hope so. [Guardian]

The subtitle sounds like pure hyperbole -- "The Ultimate Gangster Movie and How it Changed America" -- but Ken Tucker makes a good case for it in his book "Scarface Nation," S. James Snyder reports. In 1983, Brian DePalma's film earned just $44 million and critical disdain. However, no less an authority than Snoop Dogg tells Tucker that "you can also use it the way businessmen use self-help books... 'Scarface' laid out everything a gangsta needed to know... but having a kind of morality." So why did Hollywood initially dismiss it? Writes Tucker,

"("Scarface" star) Steven Bauer repeated to me the famous anecdote about one major director's reaction: 'Marty Scorsese turned to me — he was sitting in front of me at the premiere — and he turned around and said, Steven, this is a magnificent film, but be prepared because Hollywood is going to hate this film, because it's about them.' [Producer Martin Bregman] concurred about the dim view his colleagues took of the film: 'Scorsese was right. Hollywood did hate it, hated it. We were looked at as though we were dragging filth into their living rooms.' "

Also: more than two million have downloaded "Say hello to my little friend!" as a ringtone. [Time]

God bless Twitter, which currently remains immune to studio embargoes. Erik Davis collected the Twitter responses he's received so far on "Twilight," the film currently slated to tilt Earth off its axis when screenings begin midnight Thurday. "I won't say who these comments are coming from since some belong to other prominent film critics and movie bloggers," Davis writes, "but the majority of buzz seems pretty all over the board." And survey says?

"Not that it was great, but I actually enjoyed Twilight more than Quantum of Solace (bracing for impact...)"

"TWILIGHT: cheap looking and often hilarious. DARK SHADOWS at DEGRASSI JR HIGH. With half the budget."

"Wow. Twilight not bad. "

"Twilight, seen. It wasn't terrible... Wasn't great, either. I hate movies that are painfully mediocre. They are worse than bad movies."

" It's a sad, sad day when "Twilight" has better action than the latest James Bond movie."

"If you want to hang out with a lot of teenage girls and sexually frustrated middle-aged women, get yourself to a "Twilight" screening!"

Not that any of it matters. The men don't know, but the little girls understand. [Cinematical]

RELATED

• "It surprised the heck out of me" [Screen Rant]
• A full review from a fan: "I want to see it again" [AICN]

British film censors have invented a new warning: "disability themes." That's the phrase attached to "Special People," a British comedy directed by Justin Edgar that follows a neurotic filmmaker who teaches young wheelchair users about filmmaking. And, yes, most of the cast has disabilities. Says Ian Macrae, editor of magazine Disability Now, "It's the exact equivalent of putting a warning on a Spike Lee film saying, 'This film contains black people.' It's medieval thinking." Pic is handled in the UK by Guerilla Films. [Disaboom, via Fark]

RELATED

• When ratings go wrong [Cinematical]

"Australia" is looking barren. As Claude Brodesser-Akner reports, Nielsen numbers on Baz Luhrmann's $130 million epic don't look good: "Overall, the film has a 5% unaided awareness, and only 60% of respondents said they were aware of the movie when its title was mentioned to them. Among those who were aware of the film, only 29% expressed definite interest, and only 6% said it would be their first choice at the box office." Numbers were even lower for men, and for women under 25.

Older women, who likely heard Oprah declare "I have not been this excited about a movie since I don't know when" on her show Nov. 10, are more generous; 40% of those aware of "Australia" showed "definite interest" in seeing it. Says a non-Fox marketing exec, "That's good, but older females are the hardest to get to go to the movies, especially when your partner takes one look at the movie and says, 'Not a fucking chance. Take a girlfriend.'... If you can't get young girls interested in this movie, I don't know how you come out of this. There's just too much [Academy Award] competition then." [AdAge]

Moriarity has a long interview with Spike Jonze about his long-delayed "Where the Wild Things Are" and this is what we learned: Jonze still wants the movie to be scary.

"And I think that’s what freaked the studio out about the movie too. It wasn’t a studio film for kids, or it wasn’t a traditional film about kids. We didn’t have like a Movie Kid in our movie, or a Movie Performance in a Movie Kid world. We had a real kid and a real world, and I think that’s sort of where our problem was. In the end they realized the movie is what it is, and there’s no real way to... it’s sort of like they were expecting a boy and I gave birth to a girl. So they just needed their time to sort that out and figure out how they were going to learn to love their new daughter. And that was hard, but you know, in the end I got to make my movie. And with the version you saw, I was trying to get the money to do the pick-ups I wanted to do, and it just took a lot longer to finish it."

It also sounds like his aborted development of "Harold and the Purple Crayon" in 1996 turned out to be a necessary evil.

When it finally got the plug pulled on it I found myself oddly relieved… depressed too, and sad, but there was a part of me that was relieved. And I realized later that I was relieved because it had gotten away from what I wanted to do. I think I’m much more aware of that now. It’s commercials too. Ad agencies are always the same way. They always just want to pick it away from what your initial idea was, and that one just luckily didn’t happen, I think. I mean, it’s a bummer it didn’t happen, but I’m also glad it didn’t happen in a compromised way, because it just moves away from what you want by like a millimeter a day, and then you look up a year later, and it’s miles away from what you wanted.

Here's hoping that the delay means that "Where the Wild Things Are" didn't follow suit. [AICN]

So how did Summit Entertainment get its paws on the upcoming behemoth that is "Twilight"? Patrick Goldstein lays it out for you, but for those with latent ADD: Paramount Pictures screwed up. So did 20th Century Fox (via Fox Atomic). Then it came to Erik Feig at Summit, which had recently morphed from a sales-financing company to a full-on wannabe mini-major with the adddition of former Paramount exec Rob Friedman as partner to Summit founder Patrick Wachsberger. Cut to this Friday, when the film will be on 5,500 screens and could sell out most of them. Also of note: Goldstein sources say Paramount's Brad Weston didn't think supernatural movies were commercial, since "Cursed" flopped when he was at Dimension Films; and Goldstein describes Friedman as "the Hollywood equivalent of T. Boone Pickens, the oil tycoon suddenly turned alternative energy booster," a concept more frightening than marauding bands of undead teenagers. [LAT]

RELATED

• Sequel's written; magic box-office trigger for greenlight is $150 million [USA Today]

The first reviews of "Australia" are in! Survey says? Well, depends who you ask!

Claire Sutherland, at Australia's Murdoch-owned Herald Sun, can't get enough of the outback:

"It's a movie with a message, but Luhrmann provides the audience with no shortage of thrills, from a cliff hanger cattle stampede to the bombing of Darwin. Kidman and Jackman are perfect together, Jackman's broad speaking drover a perfect foil to Kidman's snooty English rose.... A love letter to the Australian landscape and our history, 'Australia' has international blockbuster written all over it." 

She also calls the film "a compelling and moving tale which traverses war, race relations, class and the Stolen Generation.... (with) some of the most beautiful photography ever seen in an Australian film, from the Bungle Bungles in the Kimberley to the Northern Territory in the midst of the wet season."

And then there's Jim Schembri at Australia's Canberra Times, which is owned by Fairfax Media:

"In what has to be the most hyped and self-consciously local film since 1984's 'The Man From Snowy River,' the anxiously anticipated 'Australia' is not a bad film. But it's far from a great one, and certainly not one destined to be a classic."

And that's the opening paragraph; another 450 words' worth of damning with faint praise follows, acknowledging that the film may be popular, "possibly wildly so," especially as a chick flick. But Schembri also calls it an "overlong melodramatic saga" that is "never boring, but, boy, is it overlong. At a mammoth 165 minutes it feels too much like a work in progress." And: "There are only so many wide shots of the Aussie outback that the human mind can stand."

Ouch. [Herald Sun, Canberra Times]