LATE NIGHT IN CRISIS, DAY 14: Tonight's Conan monologue

 From tonight's "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" monologue:

Hello, I’m Conan O’Brien, sorry if I’m a little late…I had a job interview at Lady Foot Locker.

I should have known something was up when NBC sent me that 2010 calendar that only went up to January.

Over the past week, ratings for the “Tonight Show” are up by 50%.  When NBC executives heard this they told me, “See, you really don’t fit in around here.”

This whole experience has been so surreal.  I never thought I’d be jealous of the long, illustrious run that NBC gave “Joey.”

It’s been reported that before I agree to a final settlement with this network I want to make sure NBC takes care of my staff.  At first they thought I was gullible – they said the staff would be taken to a big farm where they’d be allowed to run free forever.

On Friday, Northwestern University is holding a “Conan O’Brien Day” where a group of students will gather on campus and do the string dance.  Then the football team will beat the crap out of them.

I’ve been having a hard time explaining this whole situation to my kids – because they’re still very young.  So I had a doll made of myself – and now I can show my kids EXACTLY where NBC touched daddy.

I’ve been trying to look on the bright side and make the best of a tough situation.  Even though I had this job for only 7 months, in the world of entertainment, that’s actually a pretty long time   In fact, I came up with a list of things in Hollywood that lasted less than 7 months:

-Kid Rock’s marriage to Pamela Anderson: 5 months

-Popularity of the “Leave Britney Alone Guy”: 4 months

-Ed Hardy T-shirts being cool, not tacky: 5.5 months

-The plot of “Lost” being vaguely comprehensible: 3 months.

-Joan Rivers’ 17^th face: 6 weeks.

-Interest in Denise Richards’ side of the story: 18 hours.

-Gary Busey’s love affair with an Encino parking meter: 44 days.

-Lindsay Lohan’s first and third stints as a lesbian: 3 months & 5 months.

-The Masturbating Bear’s disappearance from the airwaves: 6 months 29 days....