Outside the Box

Which Way Did it Go?

The recent swag harvest was deposited at the County Thrift Shop here. Who are they & what do they do? Their receipt says they're "An inter-tribal Native American Spiritual Community, Benefittting Youth of All Races." Their website says nothing.

T-shirt for 2

Marvelous "Hulk" T-shirt promoting U's "The Hulk" DVD busting its way into stores this week. This swag does little to clarify the question of Hunk vs. The Hulk. To hulkify and beef-up the wearer, there are rips in the fabric where green skin patches show through this big-enough-for-two shirt. It's a size 7XL -- which is one more X than a Vin Diesel / Traci Lords double feature.

Frugal appeal: A-, Instant Halloween costume, and step up from the post-modern poseur "This is my costume" T-shirt.

Hulk-a-hulk-a-burning love: C-, Short sleeves reveal our spaghettini arms. Incredible Hulk indeed.

Oct 30, 2003 at 08:04 AM by James Hames in Film | Permalink | Comments (2)

Accept all cookies

Snookies Cookies, who credit their cookie delivery business' success to swagging product to Kiis-FM DJ Rick Dees, lured us to note their 20th anniversary with the offering of some genuinely great samples accompanied by a half gallon of whole milk on ice.

Why no foto? You'll not the phrase "still life photograph" is rarely in the same sentence as "fresh baked goods."

Collectability: A, Highly sought after by "collectors" — yet unlikely ever to make it to an online auction.

Oct 29, 2003 at 08:21 AM by James Hames in Shopping | Permalink | Comments (0)

Angle on an 'Angel'

This toy arrived, tubthumping both the 2nd season DVD of Fox's "Dark Angel," may it rest in peace, and MiniMates' model of the lead actress, the post-apocalyptic babe upon whom lives depend.

Jessica Alba is said babe, and these folks probably won't be satisfied with a doll of their doll, no matter how zesty the description:

"They are small. They are cute [to a burly Lego man]. They are articulated [they're well-spoken?]. And they have so much attitude they could bite your head off if they wanted [and had a working mouth thing]. 3-inch figures with a whopping 12 points of articulation [read that "hinges"], Minimates represent a new era in action figur[in]es." [italics ours]

Fans can toy with an alternative action figure (don't call them dolls) from the tie-in happy Art Asylum -- that's not a bad Dr. McCoy, at left.

Collectabilityness: D, Wouldn't the Albaniacs have this already?

Project connectedness: B-, Being James Cameron's first post-Oscar project made the show remarkable; say, an action figure of him might be cool.

Oct 28, 2003 at 01:20 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)

Smile and Say 'Wisconsin'

The setup: "A Minute With Stan Hooper" is a new fish-out-of-water sitcom on Fox. Stan's a TV commentator whose 60-second tidbit closes a popular newsmagazine show (What's that ticking sound we hear?). He'd be Andy Rooney if Fox was aiming for the 70+ demo. They're not; they want someone more droll, more wry, more post-modern ... more funny. So Stan's Andy Rooney as if he were played by someone from the Saturday Night Live Weekend Update news spoof segment ... someone like Norm McDonald, for instance. Stan has come to the midlands to find old-timey atmosphere and a diner from which to host his minute. Ostensibly, Waterford Falls, Wisconsin, is such a place, and its Peterson Boys' Diner is its center.

The cheesey swag: A coffee mug and paper menu cum placemat trumpet the fictional diner; a Waterford Falls postcard and real pamphlets promote Wisconsin cheese; and real Wisconsin cheese snuggles in a real leather cigar carrying case stamped with the show title, all in a box colored like a cheese wheel wedge of the type the goofy cheesehead headgear Packers fans wear.

What a tangled web we search: Although "Waterford Falls" (we wouldn't ever try to ford the water at the falls) is a housing tract in both Alabama and Texas, Wisconsin's Waterford apparently has no falls, but there is a river and, get this, it's the Fox River.

Oct 23, 2003 at 02:22 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sk8er Boyz

MTV's "Wildboyz" debuts, and if swag can be used to identify a project's target market, we don't know quite what to make of the skateboard (no trucks, no wheels) and a guy's leopard print thong (not thong) thingee.

Though it seems the show's principals will harrass and annoy humans too, this seems principally of the harrass-and-annoy-animals-in-the-wild-that-are-minding-their-own-business school of reality TV, a sort of principleless Marlin "Stayed safe in the studio while Jim risked his ass" Perkins as played by Beavis and Butt-head.

They caveat --

"Warning: Wildboyz features stunts performed by and under the supervision of professionals. Steve-O, Pontius, MTV and the producers support the ethical treatment of animals and must insist that no one attempt to recreate or re-enact any of these stunts or activities. No animals were harmed in the production of this show."

No mention about the thong.

These days, where media mimics and Darwin Award hopefuls will lay down on a highway to parrot "The Program" or climb like a "Jackass" onto a barbecue grill, no one -- as far as can be reported -- has mimicked 1928's "Steamboat Bill Jr." where in one continuing shot a two-story wall drops over Buster Keaton so his head and shoulders pass unharmed through its open window. Well, good news for Keaton wannabe wildboyz: this book has a how-to.

Giftfulness: B, No young thrasher teen with an aunt on this swaglist is safe come Christmas (for the board not the briefs).

Program referenceness: We shudder to think.

Oct 22, 2003 at 03:20 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (4)

Bobble, bobble after toil and trouble

ABC's "George Lopez" show trumpets its third season with a cast-resin bobblehead doll of cast team leader G-Lo (not J-Lo) himself. It's not the Latino link that reminds us of "Chico and the Man" comic Freddie Prinze's (not Freddie Prinze) set piece of a lowrider car, fuzzy back dash with organ pipe speaker covers, but his mimic of a bobbleheaded chihuahua (2nd item) in the rear window. Much funnier, we thought, than the "Looooooookin' Gooooood" riff that made him famous — at least until he was made more famous for having a son more famous than he. Lopez tells Parade magazine he's a fan: "If you could see my dressing room, it's kind of a shrine to him."

Editorial viewpoint: While Prinze is heralded as a groundbreaker, had he not died he could have opened doors wider so those in his wake such as George Lopez (not George Lopez) might not have had to slog so many years through all aspects of the industry before this sitcom gig. Lopez, a touring standup and movie actor (since '80) and NFL commentator even had a radio show for a while. Plus, he works with high-profile charities and has one of his own. And apparently he eats right too: "and I look better because I have lost 36 pounds."

Longevity: B, Destined to live a long life upon monitors everywhere, even if the show isn't equitably blessed.

Collectability: C-, George who? (But check back with us in twety-five years.)

Oct 21, 2003 at 08:32 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)

Headbrand

"That '70s Show" on Fox -- wanting to give us a heads-up for the new season -- wrapped a screener DVD in a white terry cloth elastic headband complete with show logo conveniently heat-transferred (rather than stitched or screen printed) so users can sweat & wash & sweat & wash it into invisibility in no time at all. That's presuming someone had imagined anyone wearing it in the first place.

Functionalness: C, When you need a headband, a headband is exactly what you need ... hardly ever happens, but still.

Tie-inableness: A, Remember when tennis was the jazzercize of the '70s?

Oct 16, 2003 at 07:58 AM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (2)

Enjoy a creamy concept product treat today!

CremaLita, seemingly all over New York City, has come to L.A. and points in between. To let us know, they swag us a Neopolitan of flavors: chocolate, strawberry, and French vanilla — even though we're supposed to call it "freedom" vanilla now. (Yes, we've used that joke before.)

With a masterpiece of vagueness, the swag has generically reduced "ice cream" to "low calorie frozen delights" and enveloped it in a 1/2 gallon of specific-free descriptors: fresh, delicious, treat, delight, creamy, concept. We're told what it hasn't got: fat, guilt, cholesterol, calories; and what it's made of.

But they never seem to say what it is. It's not ice cream, sorbet, ice milk, tofutti, sherbet, gelato ... it seemed frozen yogurt-like to us. Could use hot fudge.

BTW: The New York Times has some issues (free registration): "At CremaLita's Third Avenue branch, the small vanilla soft serve is advertised as having 60 calories in four fluid ounces. In fact, one small cup contained 153 calories." And yes, of course, the story does in fact lede with a compulsory "Seinfeld" episode reference, referencing that plot point exactly.

Coolness: B, If this ain't cool, we don't know what is.

Healthivity: B, Yeah, so what? If we really want Häagen-Dazs, we're not going to be thrilled by milky iced food product anyhow. But this tastes OK, if sorta adverby.

Oct 15, 2003 at 02:30 PM by James Hames in Shopping | Permalink | Comments (0)

Shirts & Skins

Fox debuts its series "Skin"; think of Harold Robbins writing Romeo & Juliet immersed in a district attorney vs. porn king skein -- with the none-to-subtle affectations of a family named Roam, a character named Jewell, an actor named Silver playing a man named Goldman whose company is Midas Touch. Get it?

They swag to us a box that suggests (to us, at least) a VHS-porn tape: glossy cardboard stock, full-color steamy rim-lit couple, posed without poise, ala early '80s after the printing went upscale but before the packaging got as hardcore as the content -- which still was before widespread cable access and, of course now, the Internet -- the most effective pornography delivery device since the French postcard (not safe for your grandfather's work), even if we have to call them "freedom postcards" now ... but we digress wildly.

So, what's inside this box is a white, 100% cotton, quality T-shirt, vacuum pressed into a "what the heck is that darn thing" shrink-wrapped bricklet that's anti-climactic when released into usefulness, with a silkscreened, inside "Skin" business logo (Midas Touch highlighted by a mud-flap girl silhouette) and now impressively wrinkled.

Also comes a bar of soap (though often called a "beauty bar" for no good reason") with a skinny plastic "Skin" advert inside its translucent self. The seamy image and the soap-filmy stickiness combine for a two meanings of tacky in a way we find disconcerting.

A "gotta open me" item that's less interesting once you do, soap that makes one feel dirty, a network successful for both its purient content and jerimiads decrying America's fraying values -- That's just too much paradox to fit into one swag package, a phrase itself that somehow, now, seems filthy.

Excuse us while we wash.

Oct 14, 2003 at 01:55 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)

Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble

Serial swagging the "Scarface" DVD release, we get a bubble bath kit pegged upon a scene in a bathtub as big as all Montana, with Al Pacino's Tony Montana character paying homage to great bathtub scenes from past films, like "Cleopatra" and Claudette Colbert in that milk bath ... sorta. That scene is why we always answer "yes" to: "Steamed milk with that latte?"

Across our desk came a red satin-lined box containing a high-thread-count black terry cloth washrag -- gold-thread embossed "TM," gold-colored bubble bath, palm-sized gold-colored rubber duck, glass-tubed cigar of dubious distinction... today Montana would insist upon Cohiba (Cuban), not Cohiba (not Cuban). Swagged is a Santa Fe Chief, not a Santa Fe Cigar.

Relevancy: A+, Couldn't be tied-in closer unless they matched the bath linens in the scene.
Regiftability: B, Just add a purchased DVD and this is destined to be a Father's Day gift, a bonding opportunity for many a splatter-loving, cokehead father.

Oct 8, 2003 at 05:47 PM by James Hames in Film | Permalink | Comments (0)

Swag Tag

They call it swag, as in loot, not fabric, not drugs. So as verbing weirds language in that slanguage kinda way, it's swag we're swagged (swag, swags, swagged, swug). And the name of this blog (blog, blogs, blogged, blug) references both the boxes that swag comes in, and "thinking outside the box" which isn't really something we need to be told twice. If we had our way, this'd be tagged "Swag Lamp"... < rimshot > how Diogenesian! < /rimshot > which is likely why we're blogging swag rather than telling someone else to. Also, as an acronym, it's SWAG, Stuff We All Get ... which we hope explains, if not excuses, the first person plural (3rd definition) you're reading now.

Tangentially speaking: Def #4: "Herbal tea in a plastic sandwich bag sold as marijuana to an unsuspecting customer." Who writes that stuff? Bulk tea almost $10 a pound. ... If there were a pot website, it'd show a price more than 500 times that... not that we have any particular expertise. Suffice to say, it's like someone buying a Miata and getting a bus pass instead. Unsuspecting?, you bet.

Oct 8, 2003 at 12:11 PM by James Hames in About | Permalink | Comments (0)