Of Corset
Eventhough it's not mandatory to use our teeth to open the press kit for "Call Me, The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss," we'd be compelled to. Eventhough we think we're smarter than to be seduced into interest in a USA movie based on a true story whose newspaper narrative was racier than anything basic cable is gonna present circa 2004 A.T.N. (After The Nipple, not safe for the FCC -- chair's rant in PDF & the regs) -- wholly removing the likelihood of the true quality sleaze that would make us want to watch, yet we'd be compelled to. That it's just ribbon laced through eyelets of printed brocadey, tone-on-tone card stock shouldn't cause a slight -- eventhough involuntary-- intake of breath, yet we're compelled to.
Such is the power of iconography, of metaphor, of context-- it's a press kit whose design wouldn't change much if Fleiss had been a basketball player and those were shoelaces, not back laces, even with title's typefont treated as if channel-set with diamonds, telling us she's no cheap whore. High-priced all the way. Bling bling.
Through analysis of period writings, these two eye the darker notions of corset symbolism:
"The shape of the corset -- essentially that of the female torso -- is not an obvious phallic symbol, yet it transforms the soft and pliant torso into something hard and rigid."And text also debunks some myths:
"I have devoted so much attention to bizarre accounts of tight-lacing not because I think there existed many actual fetishists (quite the reverse), but in order to demonstrate how these letters cannot be accepted at face value (as they have been)."
Societal upheaval can be told by the concurrent unfetterring of waists. A how-to fetter, which was hip about 1600 B.C.E. Corset symbolism is used to artistic affect and commercial advantage (go figure, same guy designed this); historical photos and samples from movies abound.
Interesting enough herself, Fleiss is a retailer, author, crime victim and an opinionaire:
"-- when I got out of prison, I saw on ABC, on TV, how to meet and marry a millionaire -- and I thought, 'I went to jail for that.' I cornered the market in basically what was a boy's club -- they didn't like that -- and I paid a heavy price for it.""There's no benefit to being famous."
"... hindsight is 20/20. It was very difficult for me to file those charges. Because of my past, I knew it wasn't an even playing field, and when it was over the DA got the conviction, they gave a grand speech that they would prosecute domestic violence at all levels, for rich or poor. But that's not true. I had to fight every step of the way for them to prosecute. And at the end, everyone came out with a victory speech, including Mr. Sizemore -- he gave a speech as if he won an Academy Award -- everyone gave a speech except for me."
Fleiss also sells corsets and handmade ceramics: see her mug shots.
Mar 26, 2004 at 05:19 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Bio-diversity Gone Mad
Sci Fi Channel double swags its Thursday night lineup including "Mad, Mad House" and "Tripping the Rift," both shows that merge diverse types together. In "House," a bushel of contestants arrive at some suitably creepy mansion to have their inner weirdnesses exposed by five judges whose outer weirdness is pronounced. Dubbed "alts" -- as in alternatives -- they sit in judgement like in the "Star Trek" original series' episode "The Gamesters of Triskelion," where the Providers bet quatloos on the actions of the Thralls -- you know the episode, we know that you do. We remember best the aluminum foily outfit (bottom row) of sorta famous guest star Angelique Pettyjohn, but we digress. Show swags collector cards, sorta.
"Rift" (genesis was a download for grownups) is a CG cartoon with PG-13 aspirations and a mix of characters rendered diversely to exaggerate the inter-species contrast as they flit about in outer space and back in time -- opening episode goes back to creation where they inadvertantly kill God. Swagged is a Colorforms-type plastic peel-off/press-down dress-up toy similar to swag here, adhering by means somewhat like this. Choices to apply rely heavily upon "Star Wars" imagery, using one thing to designate another -- metaphors be with you (a pun highly regarded here).
Mar 3, 2004 at 10:00 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Rye Comments
It's a good thing people stuck in cubicles don't need to be, like, self-sustaining and all Biosphere-like. Yet to test the viability of such a "keep them at their desks with our heels at their necks" plan, the Vast Management Overlord Conspiracy (the VMOC, you heard it here first) under the guise of swag from Fox, seeds the workplaces of America with kits of perennial rye grass -- that Pleg calls office dirt, dig?
Why rye?
Although its soil sustaining and eroding qualities aren't likely needed on desktops, it's common for food & feed.
Nutritious cereal grains grow from true grasses which are distinguished by the vascular system of the stock. Rye itself is hearty stock, ergo: "Fewer diseases attack rye than other cereals. Ergot is the most serious disease." Heartiness is also proven by how easily the non-native naturalizes, enough to be pictured here.
But if the VMOC wants gardeners, why hire common cubicle clones (not Clone Cubicles).
The VMOC may not have built in clones' foliage foilage capacity < sotto voce >(Neither do the Overlords know how long one can take to do a job) < /sotto voce >.
Aluminum pot has a how-to, as others do too:
Place pellet inside pot. Fill pot halfway with warm water. (Since the metal pot can't be microwaved, figuring water into a mug into a microwave for 30 seconds to return to the desk, 5 minutes maybe more.) Wait 5 minutes for pellet to absorb water. (Figure 15 minutes, easy.) Using a pencil or pen, break up the top soil from the expanded pellet. (Wandering to another cublicle or two, idle co-worker chitchat, surreptitious lifting of most-convenient pen or pencil, 15 minutes -- maybe double if co-workers know you're the sort who does that.) Place seeds 1/4" deep in soil. (Covering distance to office supply storage, lingering over multi-colored paper clips and opportunistic hunting of difficult-to-find soft erasers but not finding anything to measure 1/4"... finding and asking someone older how to figure out how big a quarter-inch is, "Find something you know the length of and divide it or multiply it til you reach a quarter-inch." "Huh?" "How tall is your business card?" "2 inches, just like every other." "Right. Fold that in half, then again and again and again. That'd be a quarter-inch right?" "Ohyesofcourserightsure hmmmmmmmcouldn'thavebeenthateasy." (Figure 30 minutes, triple if you try.) Keep soil moist (10 to 20 minutes daily, double every other or third day when it really needs water.) and place in sunlight. (Ha!) Seeds will sprout in 7 to 14 days. (36+ by the time we're done thankyouverymuch with added plea how "Silent Running" shows biospheric domes maintained by robots implies that it can take an eternity, and they don't take 1-hour-and-45-minute washroom breaks.)
Lawn & liquor too: With a promise of tee shots and whiskey shots, the VMOC green thumbs its nose at cubicle clones, drafted with a cubicle-sized still and combined with a cubicle-sized combine to bring in the harvest. Also needed: a cubicle-sized yolk to turn the millstone ... which gets bread, but not roses.
Context For When You Read This Later: The grocery workers voted yesterday to end the months-long strike.
Mar 1, 2004 at 09:33 PM by James Hames in Television, Video and DVD | Permalink | Comments (0)
Feel a Draft?
This post and its title subject line have nothing to do with wind or wind, but instead the breeze of political discontent wafting over the country in this election year and an opening for an outsider to enter the political arena (free registration). Could anyone be further outside the mainstream than a fictional candidate? (This notion has been broached before.)
Across the political landscape and onto basic cable comes Jack Tanner, via Robert Altman and Gary Trudeau first in '88 and resurfacing now (not NOW) on the Sundance Channel; its fact/fiction merging presaged this recent TV offering. Series is touted here as exemplary in the genre of actors playing pols. Some reviews are still pending on actors as pols, examples: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, & 8 (a near-comprehensive list, but not yet including 9).
Late-Breaking Tangent: Trudeau made news today, by way of his Doonesbury comic strip.
Feb 25, 2004 at 02:17 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
We Heart Chocolate
Hallmark, known for super sweet greeting cards, swags a tin of chocolate, a heart-shaped box. If chocolate itself had a product content label, it'd show chocolate contains "theobromine, a substance similar to caffeine that affects brain function in a positive way by increasing alertness, concentration and cognitive thinking. Chocolate also contains small amounts of caffeine." Plus sugar, "which boosts serotonin levels in the brain." Cocao butter, "can boost brain endorphin levels. Optimal levels of these chemicals produce positive mood and renewed energy."
Additionally there's phenylethylamine, "a brain chemical released when we fall in love" and magnesium, "a mineral involved in manufacturing serotonin and stabilizing mood" and phenols, "natural antioxidants that may slow the formation of plaque in arteries."
Now we know there are cannabinoids, "chemical components that can mimic the effects of marijuana by triggering euphoria in the brain," which no doubt explains why after we inhale some chocolate a few minutes later we get the munchies and seek -- more chocolate.
All that chemistry still not enough to replicate the buzz of love? They swag a high end, no-spill travel coffee cup from Gordon Sinclair (search "satin wave"), not Gordon Sinclair, calling it a tumbler.
Project swagged is a Hallmark Channel movie "Just Desserts", also promoted by a contest and recipes from star chefs.
St. Valentine's Day Massacred: Despite traditions and a long history, some remain overwrought.
Feb 13, 2004 at 03:37 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
An Apprentice By Any Other Name
NBC's "The Apprentice" features Donald Trump who is so rich he's been buying up other people's 15 minutes of fame for decades. In this reality show, he invests in fame futures while 16 reality show contestants vie for a one-year $250K entry-level job -- suggesting a definition of "reality" with which we weren't previously familiar.
Network swags a bobblehead doll of an extruded resin so hard, The Likeness (unlike The Donald himself) seems immortally impervious to weather or male-pattern baldness. Time will tell. Swag plugs Trump's Marina hotel, where they'll bestow The Likeness upon any who mention the offer when booking a room.
In America, anyone can grow up to be a Bobblehead, while others compete to bobble.
Feb 6, 2004 at 10:04 AM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (3)
A Wind Shield
Knit caps have that sorta street tough, gangsta thug vibe (see "dress") FX seeks to weave into swag for "The Shield," allowing the wearer to vicariously experience the vicarlessness of the lead character, a cop who's gone outside the margins doing wrong for right's sake and his own. Considering how many cops have been portrayed on TV, the "rogue cop" is a character too common to detail but the phrase isn't recognized here, here or here.
Shows such as this cause copyright ruckus. Florida State University's criminology department's crime on film online course expounds on the genre.
One size fits all, and seven names do too. For example, here's a knit cap (but not a knit cap), and a beanie (but not a beanie), a touque (but not a touque), a toboggan (but not a toboggan), a watch cap (but not a watch cap [#4] nor a cap watch), a deer stocking cap (not a deerstalker cap nor a stalker's deer cap) ... make your own or bake your own. It's called a ski hat too.
When Tangents Collide: Beenie Man's "Real Gangsta."
Feb 5, 2004 at 11:01 AM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (3)
Undoubtedly the Prototype Program was Called a Pilot
How confident is Southwest Airlines about their customer base? Plenty. They know the risk of placing a camera to document patrons' encounters with their customer service reps; will it capture those who are swearing and swearing off the carrier? Regardless, the company allows A&E aboard to air their dirty laundry on "Airline."
Swagged is a jet-shaped key fob, a logo-embedded luggage tag and an inflatable airplane. All flew coach to Variety in a box evoking an airline meal container.
Although a staple in the diet of standup comics and their jokes (some by airline personel, and here's more), airline food appears in just a handful of film examples posted here. We are gratified to see the crew eats no better than the passengers.
Now arriving: After "Airplane," "Airport," and "Music for Airports," "Airport Shuttle, The Opera" seems inevitable.
Jan 15, 2004 at 09:07 AM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Homemakers
"A good home must be made, not bought," (writes Joyce Maynard in "Domestic Affairs"). The 16 contestants on "House of Dreams" hope to make a good home for one of them, pitching in before they're pitched out. All are part of an ever-diminishing construction crew building the eventual winner's building, before they're scrapped, "Survivor"-like, by group vote. A&E smerges together a bunch of hand-picked average Joes (not "Average Joes"), brings them to the not-so-average town of Harmony, Fla., and brings them host George Wendt, who played the average Norm on "Cheers" and who'd likely miss these average norms (PDF file, 4th page).
Implication is of lumbering, wired studs getting into jambs, lots of off-camera nailing and venting ... pairs cementing and building foundations and facing issues of creating walls, insulation, not to mention the possibility of attacks by mortar. Floored? We're guessing they all work on the house too.
Swagged is a mailbox, of PVC and less than regulation-size at 9" long; and a heavy keyholder cast in soft alloy smerging with series' goal of winning a new mailing address and keys to the home they all helped build. Key is key to game's inserted randomness -- players draw keys to select the vulnerable castmembers, somewhat mitigating the inherent advantage of the physically gifted, interpersonally engaged, and those burdened with the woefullest yarn of tragedy and need yet blessed with the least sense of entitlement.
Title Meant: We are presuming they're pursuing the American Dream of "Homeownership for Less Than Full Price." This is only half true, the experience likely a nightmare for most contestants. Most likely the program is home to their American Dream of "Being on TV."
Afterthought: A group of people compete for prizes on television ... if they bring the public in for taping, it's a game show; if they bring the taping out in public, it's a reality show.
Jan 5, 2004 at 05:00 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Poster Roaster
We imagine, in the WB swag design brainstorming session, when someone said, "OK, 'Surreal Life,' " and another said, "Surreal, surrealism, art, graphics, we have a graphics department..." Then: "Graphics? Let's make a poster...," and someone else said, "Why not faces of all the stars?, in that arty Andy Warhol way where the colors shift from one photocopied image to the next ... very hip, I saw his retrospective when it hit MOCA last year." A production grunt says, "Easy. Photoshop. Get me the art and I can show it to you by lunch tomorrow. How's your latte?"
We imagine such a chat, and we imagine it ended there. We imagine it didn't last long enough for some smart-ass to point out that Warhol was a Pop artist, not a Surrealist. We can't imagine anyone at WB, upon learning of the incongruousness of representing a theme with something it isn't (you might as well promote "Big Fish" with a bicycle) -- went ahead and said, "So what?"
Or maybe no one mentioned it until now. We're glad to help.
Show lumps together, ala "Big Brother," celebs whose 15 minutes expired at least a decade ago.
Dec 11, 2003 at 06:15 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (1)
Tray Chic
Fox wants us to eat up their holiday DVD releases, swagging a institutional-type cafeteria food tray and plugging specific releases in each food well. Including: Season five of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer"; season two of "24"; every "Firefly" episode; and a Matt Groening extravaganza of "Christmas With The Simpsons," season three of "The Simpsons" and "Olive, the Other Reindeer."
Attached is a hand-snipped jet ink-printed note tying them all together and declaring them "sumptuous," the etymological root being "Sump"tu*ous\, a. [L. sumptuosus, fr. sumptus expanse, cost: cf. F. somptueux" meaning the outlay of expense, costliness. We are guessing though, they are regularly priced.
Dec 9, 2003 at 11:01 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (1)
Paris to Arkansas ...
... And Nicole went, too. While it's pitched as an unscripted, Green Acres-ish big fish out of their urban water and into a little rural pond show, and it looks like princesses descend upon the paupers, we hope "The Simple Life" may well be as it's named: a view of celebrities thrust to the other side of the velvet rope, a kind of Monty Wooley thing no doubt.
On Fox, and produced by "Real World" vets, this "surreal world" stars not simply celebrity, but notoriety: Paris Hilton (Conrad's great-grand daughter and once Elizabeth Taylor's grandniece) and Nicole Ritchie (Lionel's daughter and Michael Jackson's god-daughter) -- infamous for, respectively, a sex tape (not safe for work) and a heroin bust (not safe for anyone). Those "Real World" execs have faced such issues before, but we digress.
Swagged is a plastic dressup toy ala Colorforms, where the plastic sticks by lying smooth to the plastic below it (like this, but different. Swag de-swanks cowed party girls into cow patty girls, from hotels to Holsteins.
Swag explainer: What some call the surface-to-surface adhesive-free bond; what static electricity isn't; what static electricity really is; why it's not static cling working; what is working.
Nov 26, 2003 at 07:33 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Animal Magnetism
Q: How do we know Animal Planet has lawyers?
A: Because when they swag magnets printed with animals and package them in a box that only kinda sorta represents Animal Crackers (not "Animal Crackers") and the box has a list of shows presented in a manner only sorta slightly like the mandated FDA Nutrition Facts label and beneath that a list of ingredients: "Magnets, Paper, Ink" -- they still find the need to warn "Not a food product. Do not eat."
Species sorta relate to specific new shows for their reintroduced "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom" airing in the original series' slot of Sundays at 7 p.m. Alec Baldwin plays Marlin Perkins, sorta. We've referenced the show before.
Nov 21, 2003 at 05:40 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
A Casa Blanca
In proclaimation of the DVD of the first season of "The West Wing," NBC wings a model West Wing our way.
Swag is in fact an elaborate box that, when the hinged roof is lifted, hollars the tunes "Hail To The Chief" and "The Star Spangled Banner" so loudly we failed to note how many measures of each it plays ... the pre-set volume can only be quashed by slamming the lid shut.
Tangents: The real west wing; take a White House panoramic photo tour; often officious -- but completely unofficial -- white house sites: .org, .net, .com (not safe for work).
White House synchronicity with Hollywood is notable at least twice: 1) the real possiblity of Democratic Party "front-runner" Howard Dean aligning with West Wing's premise of a Democratic governor from small New England state making it to the White House (& both Dean's wife and the fictional President Bartlet's wife are M.D.s); and 2) the story of Ronald Reagan being offered the role in "Casablanca" (Spanish for "white house") long before he got the role in The White House, which isn't true at all.
Nov 19, 2003 at 09:10 AM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
If It's Sundae, It Must Be Belgian Chocolate
Fox's Sunday lineup, a confection of sitcoms, swags us a pun of a D-I-Y sundae kit: each ingredient connected to one from their roster -- chocolate malt balls for "Oliver Beene," Beer Nuts for "King of the Hill," sprinkles for "The Simpsons," M&Ms for "Malcolm in the Middle," gummy bears for the "Bernie Mac Show," plus a sundae dish and ice cream scoop linked to "Arrested Development." A jar of fudge sauce, serving to cover everything literally and thematically, is labelled "Sunday Sundae."
While some ponder the Beer Nuts phenomenon, or the proclivities of gummy bears, there may be some trademark infringement laywers salivating like Pavlov's dog (not Pavlov's Dog) about whether those chocolate malt balls are Whoppers Malted Milk Balls, or those gummy bears are Gummibaeren. Such trademark issues are why the ice cream dessert is spelled sundae; not!
Nov 18, 2003 at 05:40 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (1)
Shedding 'Skin'
And poof, it was gone — no blaming the swag. Another take, perhaps a more sustainable one, on the region's adult entertainment industry is revealed in fellow blogger Rob Kendt's Wicked Little Town.
Nov 12, 2003 at 04:23 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
I've seen you on the beach and I've seen you on T.V.
To get us to focus on their focus on awards shows and top miniseries, cabler Trio swags a canvas book totebag and watch with a band of rubbery plastic, both of which demonstrate the cabler's branding-conscious major investment in color and typography. The motto and logo are heavily dependent upon punctuation: Tr!o, for example, is hoping we encase our books in their billboard announcing it's about "pop, culture, tv." Yet, we suspect it's really just about "pop culture tv." We could be wrong.
That distinctive black, red and white color scheme has proven effective for everyone from The White Stripes (1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th) to the Reich (3rd).
If swag can indicate a project's target market, this says Trio considers its viewers to be people who have time to read books and time to wander the cable menu looking for obscure channels so they can tell strangers they prefer to watch TV that's about TV. Only coincidentally does this show on Trio have a name similar to this blog.
Irony flashback: Last year, Trio was pushing a month of themed programming looking at previously censored programming. CableWorld weighs in:
"In an unplanned bit of controversy, Trio found that its splashy ad campaign for Uncensored was itself censored by Viacom, a billboard giant. The ads, which went up last week in New York, including a billboard in Times Square, feature Michelangelo's statue of David, with a pair of underwear down around its knees."
Nov 11, 2003 at 06:34 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tooning In
The Cartoon Network's kid-empowering program, "Codename: Kids Next Door," swags figurines -- big heads, big hands, spaghettini arms and all. These "five extraordinary 10-year-olds are dedicated to freeing all children from the tyrannical rule of adults." To do so, they obviously must overcome major obstacles: At 3-inch tall, they seem a wee bit short for age 10; Being flexible, but not poseable, must inhibit their battles with other figurines. We expect subsequent seasons to follow the kids as they learn to conquer adults by assimilation.
Freudian pun: Site's purchase page describes Kids' mission as being "freeing all children from the tyrannical rile of adults." In that, we support their goals heartily.
Nov 10, 2003 at 03:34 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Necro fancy
The busy people in PR at Fox swag for "Tru Calling". The show -- a bioengineered mutant blend of "Groundhog Day" and "The Sixth Sense" set in a morgue -- stars a babe with something extra upon whom lives depend.
Eliza Dushku is said babe and for her benefit comes to us swag of a shiny, steely-looking box meant to convey a morgue's drawers containing cadavers, though this one contains a T-shirt, a toe tag slipped into a heavy black plastic bag, and a boudoir pic of the show's lead photographed from above to look as if she's sliding out of the cadaver storage drawer. These folks likely have all the (not safe for work) fotos they need of Dushku sliding out of drawers.
Show has a blog -- ostensibly -- from the set; co-star Zach Galifianakis is a noted local standup.
"City Morgue" T-shirt is well made and suitably goth. But trugothness comes in the L. A. City Coroner chalk line product line and its body bag garment bag -- clever, no matter how anachronistic: "But Carrier admits it has been decades since a coroner's employee actually drew a chalk outline."
Nov 6, 2003 at 03:08 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Angle on an 'Angel'
This toy arrived, tubthumping both the 2nd season DVD of Fox's "Dark Angel," may it rest in peace, and MiniMates' model of the lead actress, the post-apocalyptic babe upon whom lives depend.
Jessica Alba is said babe, and these folks probably won't be satisfied with a doll of their doll, no matter how zesty the description:
"They are small. They are cute [to a burly Lego man]. They are articulated [they're well-spoken?]. And they have so much attitude they could bite your head off if they wanted [and had a working mouth thing]. 3-inch figures with a whopping 12 points of articulation [read that "hinges"], Minimates represent a new era in action figur[in]es." [italics ours]
Fans can toy with an alternative action figure (don't call them dolls) from the tie-in happy Art Asylum -- that's not a bad Dr. McCoy, at left.
Oct 28, 2003 at 01:20 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Smile and Say 'Wisconsin'
The setup: "A Minute With Stan Hooper" is a new fish-out-of-water sitcom on Fox. Stan's a TV commentator whose 60-second tidbit closes a popular newsmagazine show (What's that ticking sound we hear?). He'd be Andy Rooney if Fox was aiming for the 70+ demo. They're not; they want someone more droll, more wry, more post-modern ... more funny. So Stan's Andy Rooney as if he were played by someone from the Saturday Night Live Weekend Update news spoof segment ... someone like Norm McDonald, for instance. Stan has come to the midlands to find old-timey atmosphere and a diner from which to host his minute. Ostensibly, Waterford Falls, Wisconsin, is such a place, and its Peterson Boys' Diner is its center.
The cheesey swag: A coffee mug and paper menu cum placemat trumpet the fictional diner; a Waterford Falls postcard and real pamphlets promote Wisconsin cheese; and real Wisconsin cheese snuggles in a real leather cigar carrying case stamped with the show title, all in a box colored like a cheese wheel wedge of the type the goofy cheesehead headgear Packers fans wear.
What a tangled web we search: Although "Waterford Falls" (we wouldn't ever try to ford the water at the falls) is a housing tract in both Alabama and Texas, Wisconsin's Waterford apparently has no falls, but there is a river and, get this, it's the Fox River.
Oct 23, 2003 at 02:22 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Sk8er Boyz
MTV's "Wildboyz" debuts, and if swag can be used to identify a project's target market, we don't know quite what to make of the skateboard (no trucks, no wheels) and a guy's leopard print thong (not thong) thingee.
Though it seems the show's principals will harrass and annoy humans too, this seems principally of the harrass-and-annoy-animals-in-the-wild-that-are-minding-their-own-business school of reality TV, a sort of principleless Marlin "Stayed safe in the studio while Jim risked his ass" Perkins as played by Beavis and Butt-head.
They caveat --
"Warning: Wildboyz features stunts performed by and under the supervision of professionals. Steve-O, Pontius, MTV and the producers support the ethical treatment of animals and must insist that no one attempt to recreate or re-enact any of these stunts or activities. No animals were harmed in the production of this show."No mention about the thong.
These days, where media mimics and Darwin Award hopefuls will lay down on a highway to parrot "The Program" or climb like a "Jackass" onto a barbecue grill, no one -- as far as can be reported -- has mimicked 1928's "Steamboat Bill Jr." where in one continuing shot a two-story wall drops over Buster Keaton so his head and shoulders pass unharmed through its open window. Well, good news for Keaton wannabe wildboyz: this book has a how-to.
Oct 22, 2003 at 03:20 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (4)
Bobble, bobble after toil and trouble
ABC's "George Lopez" show trumpets its third season with a cast-resin bobblehead doll of cast team leader G-Lo (not J-Lo) himself. It's not the Latino link that reminds us of "Chico and the Man" comic Freddie Prinze's (not Freddie Prinze) set piece of a lowrider car, fuzzy back dash with organ pipe speaker covers, but his mimic of a bobbleheaded chihuahua (2nd item) in the rear window. Much funnier, we thought, than the "Looooooookin' Gooooood" riff that made him famous — at least until he was made more famous for having a son more famous than he. Lopez tells Parade magazine he's a fan: "If you could see my dressing room, it's kind of a shrine to him."
Editorial viewpoint: While Prinze is heralded as a groundbreaker, had he not died he could have opened doors wider so those in his wake such as George Lopez (not George Lopez) might not have had to slog so many years through all aspects of the industry before this sitcom gig. Lopez, a touring standup and movie actor (since '80) and NFL commentator even had a radio show for a while. Plus, he works with high-profile charities and has one of his own. And apparently he eats right too: "and I look better because I have lost 36 pounds."
Oct 21, 2003 at 08:32 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Headbrand
"That '70s Show" on Fox -- wanting to give us a heads-up for the new season -- wrapped a screener DVD in a white terry cloth elastic headband complete with show logo conveniently heat-transferred (rather than stitched or screen printed) so users can sweat & wash & sweat & wash it into invisibility in no time at all. That's presuming someone had imagined anyone wearing it in the first place.
Oct 16, 2003 at 07:58 AM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (2)
Shirts & Skins
Fox debuts its series "Skin"; think of Harold Robbins writing Romeo & Juliet immersed in a district attorney vs. porn king skein -- with the none-to-subtle affectations of a family named Roam, a character named Jewell, an actor named Silver playing a man named Goldman whose company is Midas Touch. Get it?
They swag to us a box that suggests (to us, at least) a VHS-porn tape: glossy cardboard stock, full-color steamy rim-lit couple, posed without poise, ala early '80s after the printing went upscale but before the packaging got as hardcore as the content -- which still was before widespread cable access and, of course now, the Internet -- the most effective pornography delivery device since the French postcard (not safe for your grandfather's work), even if we have to call them "freedom postcards" now ... but we digress wildly.
So, what's inside this box is a white, 100% cotton, quality T-shirt, vacuum pressed into a "what the heck is that darn thing" shrink-wrapped bricklet that's anti-climactic when released into usefulness, with a silkscreened, inside "Skin" business logo (Midas Touch highlighted by a mud-flap girl silhouette) and now impressively wrinkled.
Also comes a bar of soap (though often called a "beauty bar" for no good reason") with a skinny plastic "Skin" advert inside its translucent self. The seamy image and the soap-filmy stickiness combine for a two meanings of tacky in a way we find disconcerting.
A "gotta open me" item that's less interesting once you do, soap that makes one feel dirty, a network successful for both its purient content and jerimiads decrying America's fraying values -- That's just too much paradox to fit into one swag package, a phrase itself that somehow, now, seems filthy.
Excuse us while we wash.
Oct 14, 2003 at 01:55 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Safari Companion
The people at Animal Planet swag to us a thing like a Swiss Army knife, but not. It's one of those utility knives, but not a utility knife exactly, but like a Leatherman, but not. It's pricey stainless steel and 15 functions (maybe more if you start getting creative), some mysterious and most of them lethal; not the least being a saw blade with alternating teeth useful in case you need to open a can of whoop ass... in which case there's that can opener. And a bottle opener and corkscrew for refreshment when you're done. Those are just the urban uses, of course.
Like the Hummer whose owner only takes it off-road when sneezing or drunk, this swag too is meant to seem wilderness-hearty. But it ain't that kind of knife. A point proven, BTW, when it arrives in a cute, scallop-edged drawstring pouch of suede that only took about 40 sq. inches of a cow to sissify, a luxuriant message from the animal cabler.
Sep 30, 2003 at 03:12 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Home Sweat Home
TBS Superstation swags a wire-bound notepad of unlined bond paper, medium-sized (7"x10") with a construction-site-evoking, furniture-scratching aluminum cover -- an improved detail so newsworthily unsuccessfully (last item, at bottom) on Madonna's delightfully lurid (not safe for work) "Sex" book -- from before she wrote kids' books. (You liked it, we know you did.) Pad plugs the unscripted program "House Rules" (and TBS and show's sponsor Lowe's, the home improvement retail chain); each logo is embossed into the top surface.
Inside is a clear plastic pocket snugly holding a graph paper tablet, each page densely filled with press kit info, providing, amid very much else, the house rules of "House Rules." Too dense, in fact (or we are), to provide the basic info that the first moments of the screener tape reveals: the show's about competitive house remodeling.
Obscure du jour: More absurd things people compete at: The first page of this PDF file names two.
Sep 22, 2003 at 08:00 PM by James Hames in Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Swag the Dog
Fox TV's Family Guy is pushing DVDs of their 3rd season and to do so, they swag a cocktail kit — though not much of a kit exactly. Pegged on the character of Brian, the smart and smart-assed pet dog who loves martinis, they send a well-made (albeit plastic) martini glass and a small jar of stuffed Spanish olives with an advisory note they "would have sent you vodka too, but Brian drank it all, got in a fight and then passed out."
Someone at the fulfillment company spent a long time handling this promo: 4-color note is off a computer printer, hand trimmed and Scotch-taped inside the glass; olive jar is embellished with a label-covering sticker touting the Sept. 9 release date and Brian saying "Cheers!"
Tangent of the day: When the archeol