Season Pass

"How I Met Your Mother": Enough with Britney

First off, I'm a huge champion of "How I Met Your Mother." The cast is terrific, the writing consistently funny and the direction by Pam Fryman is stellar. So speaking from a fan's perspective, last night's episode left me disappointed.

The first time Britney Spears appeared on the show a few weeks back, it was a great piece of stunt casting as showrunners Carter Bays and Craig Thomas integrated her character just enough so that we knew it was Britney but it didn't interfere with how smoothly the rest of the actors work together and it didn't take anything away from the storyline.

Not so much last night. It wasn't that Britney's character -- a young woman who has a crush on Ted but sleeps with Barney to get even -- was involved too much in the episode but, rather, Britney just plain can't act. Period. She looked stilted and foolish in scenes with TV pros such as Neil Patrick Harris and Josh Radnor.

Ratings for "Mother" shot up for Britney's first appearance, and for a show this good that has never received the high ratings it should — series just got the OK from CBS for another season, yeah! — any way to push the Nielsen meter is smart, but last night's episode felt to me as if it had crossed a line in pimping to get viewers.

From Britney's perspective, coming on as a guest star is a smart move. By working on "Mother's" tight sitcom schedule, it helps keep her life straight -- or straighter than usual -- and makes her seem a bit more like a "normal" person and not just tabloid fodder.

But her exposure and rehab felt like it came at the expense of "Mother." I'm hoping it doesn't happen again next season.

— Stuart Levine

'Survivor': Flirting her way to $1 million

At last, we come to the end of our "Survivor" voyage. I'd be feeling all nostalgic, except that I have THREE HOURS of 'Survivor' to recap for y'all. There is no time for nostalgia. There is only time for facts.

Fact: Erik, at the beginning of Thursday's episode, is torn between many women, as Natalie and Amanda are both trying to manipulate Erik into taking them with him on the reward challenge if he wins. Natalie asks him first, but Amanda makes the more convincing argument. Or looks cuter in a tube top. Flip a coin. And both were wise to make a play for Erik, as today's reward challenge is "Survivor" Trivia -- but trivia about actual past seasons of "Survivor."

It is the first challenge to really give an edge to the fanboys, and you know who is a superfanboy? Erik! So he wins easily, and per Amanda's suggestion sends Parvati to Exile Island before the two of them take off for a day at a spa/resort.

And at the next day's immunity challenge, he kicks some further ass by running around and solving puzzles. Erik, you would think, is playing an awesome game of "Survivor." But that means overlooking that he's got the social skills of... well, a 22-year-old dork surrounded by scantily clad women who all want something from him.

Erik's strategy of just saying anything to anyone is a poor one, and all the women agree that if he weren't immune that night, he'd be going home... And that's when Amanda and Cirie begin encouraging Natalie to, um, "convince" Erik that he should give his immunity to her, as part of a fake master plan to vote Amanda out. Natalie thinks this sounds stupid, but when Amanda points out that Ozzy and Jason were previously this stupid, Natalie agrees to give it a shot.

Erik at first is skeptical. But Cirie backs Natalie up by telling Erik that if he gives up his immunity, she'll believe that he's committing to voting out Amanda, and that he needs to do something nice to win favor with the jury.

At Tribal Council, the women basically remake all these points, and Erik cows to the pressure, handing over his necklace. When he does this, the members of the jury actually start laughing at him. Laughing loudly. Oh, poor dumb Erik. Poor dumb voted-out Erik.

James holds his hands up high, declaring that he is no longer "the world's dumbest 'Survivor'." I have no time to mourn my beloved Erik, though, because it's time for the final four! Okay.

But as we start this final two hours of TV, we're going to play a challenge of our own. It's called "how many minutes do we need to fast forward to reach any new or interesting content?" The answer is twelve minutes: first, a full season's worth of clip show, then, five minutes of the four ladies gloating over kicking Erik's scrawny ass to the curb, followed by credits, commercials, and yet more gloating. At minute 13 Parvati climbs up a tree to get some coconuts. RIVETING TELEVISION.

The girls are all bonding, and we learn about how Natalie needs to learn to ask for what she wants. Of course, what Natalie should ask for is immunity, because Amanda, Cirie, and Parvati's alliance has been pretty tight from the beginning. Unfortunately, while Natalie gets a good lead on the challenge -- a combination of obstacle course and ladder assembly -- Amanda ultimately triumphs.

Natalie's not going to lie down and take it, though. You can tell, because they start showing B-roll of snakes and lizards. Natalie starts leaning hard on Parvati, which reveals that Parvati's concerned about Cirie winning jury votes, while Cirie's concerned about Parvati and Amanda liking Natalie better. At Tribal, the Favorites sisterhood prevails, and Natalie, the last remaining member of the Fans, walks off with a resigned smile.

But afterward, Amanda and Cirie get into one of those big emotional girl fights that's all about feelings and misinterpretations. Like all emo-girl fights, it ends in hugs. But all of them are optimistic that this season will end in a Final Three, rather than a Final Two, which means all three of them will be eligible for the ultimate prize... Whoops! Nope.

The girls instead receive tree mail summoning them to their next immunity challenge -- this season, it's a Final Two. Which is really sad for them, apparently.

Before they get to that last immunity challenge, we have to do the "salute to those who got voted out" montage. With commercials, this amounts to fifteen minutes of airtime. Oh, reality TV. You'll never change.

The final immunity challenge involves balancing a marble on top of an increasingly unstable wooden cylinder for five-minute increments, and Amanda takes it after Cirie chokes in the last round. But now that she has to choose between Cirie and Parvati, she's heartbroken. Amanda never wanted to be in this position, you know. I know it's a bit hard to tell, since she worked so hard to win that last immunity challenge, but really, guys, she's just devastated by having to choose who will compete with her to win the million bucks. DEVASTATED, I tells ya.

Ultimately, she chooses to stick with her BFF Parvati, Cirie walks off into the night, and Amanda and Parvati have a day to tear down camp and plot for their opening statements at the final Tribal Council.

Really, as Amanda and Parvati make their opening statements, the wisdom of Amanda's choice seems somewhat clear. The same people hate Cirie and Amanda. Different people hate Amanda and Parvati. And Amanda is much nicer than Parvati. Well, superficially nice.

But the picture that develops during this last Tribal Council is that of Amanda the faker and Parvati the flirt. Apparently, Parvati was flirting with Natalie? Natalie's feeling jilted? What?

Meanwhile, Erik and Cirie seem pretty firmly not in Amanda's camp, but Ozzy is very much Team Amanda. You can tell. Because Ozzy literally says "I started to fall in love with you"...

Votes are cast, and Parvati and Amanda hug -- and then we're in previously recorded New York City! Jeff gets right down to business, reading out the carefully arranged votes...

And Parvati wins the million by two votes! Crazytown. That's the ballgame.

What have we learned from this season of "Survivor," kids? Never give up your immunity. Try and avoid infection. And flirting trumps love, every time.

— Liz Shannon Miller

"Friday Night Lights": Reason to celebrate

Before the entire "Friday Night Lights" production moves to Austin in the dead of summer — yeah, it shouldn't be too hot that time of year over there — the cast, crew and execs gathered at a watering hole in Santa Monica last night to celebrate the third season pickup.

It almost wasn't meant to be, but DirecTV decided "FNL" could be a watershed moment for its entertainment division and decided to pay for part of the production tab for the show, somewhere around 40%, with NBC picking up the rest. For its commitment, the satellite provider will have the exclusive window for 13 episodes that are scheduled to begin Oct. 1.

Then in midseason 2009 (probably February or March), NBC will start airing those same episode for folks who don't have access to DirecTV. Hopefully, diehard viewers who will have to wait and see the episodes on NBC will be able to keep themselves in a media blackout from reviews, blogs, plot developments, etc.

Cast members attending the bash Thursday were Aimee Teegarden, who just bought her first car and, much more impressive by our standards, threw out the first ball at the Dodgers-Mets game Wednesday afternoon; Kyle Chandler, who just might be the nicest and most down-to-earth leading man on TV; and Minka Kelly and Connie Britton, who both mingled among the masses.

Showrunner Jason Katims said season three would focus more on on-the-field action than in season two, and that issues will be raised about all the seniors on this year's team. Katims reiterated that senior year can be great fun for those about to graduate, but the Dillon High School gang will face situations that will, once again, test their mettle against trying scenarios.

Also there to relish all things "FNL" were in-house director Jeff Reiner, exec producer David Nevins and creator Peter Berg, who directed the Billy Bob Thornton movie.

— Stuart Levine

'Scrubs': Now That It's Been Saved, Can It Be Saved?

"Scrubs" bid farewell to NBC on Thursday in appropriate style, with moments alternatively sweet and stupid, silly and senseless. Now what?

Unless the world we've been living in is merely one of J.D.'s fantasy sequences, "Scrubs" will rematerialize next season on ABC. Once a cult favorite (for all the good and bad that implies), "Scrubs" has been surpassed in the buzzmeter by the likes of "The Office" and "30 Rock," which makes one wonder what exactly the Alphabet net hopes to get out of the show.

More than 25 years ago, in a much more forgiving climate for broadcast series and closer to its creative highpoint, "Taxi" made the reverse move, jumping from ABC to NBC at the start of its fifth season. The sharp writing kept right on coming, producing such episodes as the two-part "Scenskees from a Marriage," "Elaine and the Monk," "Arnie and the Kids," "Jim's Marios" and "Simka's Monthlies." I mean, we're talking classic stuff.  Nevertheless, the show's ratings tumbled — NBC initally placed the show in the Thursday 9:30 p.m. timeslot after a little-seen new show called "Cheers," before moving it three times  — and it was canceled at season's end.

"Scrubs," though at its height as joyful, touching and inventive as "Taxi" if not more so (I'll take Vic Ferrari over "Guy Love," but your mileage may vary), has struggled to maintain its creative juice in recent years. For all its craziness, the show is openly formulaic — on Thursday's season finale, J.D. had a line that jokingly called out the typical scenario — and so each episode depends on how funny or touching the show can be in that formula.  It's hit or miss.

Heading into season eight, "Scrubs" ain't likely to have many new viewers discover the show, even if ABC offers a larger base audience for Bill Lawrence & Co. to draw from.  And those newbies figure to be negated by long-term viewers who will take NBC's abandonment of the show as another sign that it's no longer essential television. Certainly, the good people at ABC and "Scrubs" have thought this through and concluded that the enterprise is still worth pursuing, at least on a pocketbook level. But creatively, there's a big challenge ahead.

Suggestions?  This might or might not already be in the works, but "Scrubs" should take a cue from "The Office" and finally put their own Jim and Pam together — for good. J.D. and Elliot have never gotten to play out their relationship on a romantic level for more than a few episodes at a time.  It's time to unshackle those two and let their own particular madness flower inside of a long-term relationship. (That kind of energy was mostly wasted when they were paired with Kim and Keith, respectively.) Beyond that, to counter the inconsistency of its more cartoonish efforts, "Scrubs" needs to either make its characters less shtick-dependent and more likable on a human level or find some new ones who will be. The series leads are stuck in a rut, and as for the Janitor, Ted, the Todd — those guys are played, Jerry, played.

"Scrubs" has reached a point where a number of the characters just don't seem worth caring about.  To make the ABC episodes worth our while, "Scrubs" need to make us fall in love again.

— Jon Weisman

'America's Next Top Model': Dom can't believe Dom didn't win

If the title had been "America's Next Big Trash Talker," Dominque would have won long ago. Alas, it's "America's Next Top Model," so Dom has taken her leave. Not a moment too soon for me.

It seems like if you have a face that looks good from only a couple very specific angles and from all other angles makes you look like a tranny, maybe this isn't the competition for you. She should be proud of herself she made it as far as she did. And I'm pretty sure she is proud of herself. That's what she did best.

This really might be the weakest top three in the history of the show. You have Fatima, who was blessed with a perfect face but has yet to learn how to pose; Anya, who is lovely and looks like a model but who has trouble forming a sentence; and Whitney who will never get over the phony, overacting business. Wait, that last thing may not be a problem. It seems to work for Miss Tyra.

I guess the producers are running out of money for challenge guests as the season winds down because the reward challenge involved the final four taking pictures of Paulina and the elimination challenge used everyone's favorite "noted fashion photographer, Nigel Barker."

The reward challenge was kind of dull as it served only to showcase how hot Paulina still is. How hard would it be, really, to get a great shot of her? I'm pretty sure my niece could do that with her Hello Kitty camera. Anya and Dom are lost as photographers. Whitney did a great job but was outshined by Fatima, who wins 50 extra frames for the photo shoot with Nigel. Fifty extra frames that she will waste.

The photo shoot, which involved posing with a male model and pretending to be a star running from the paparazzi, seemed to really throw all four girls for a loop. Maybe they were just nervous posing for the smoking hot Nigel. Understandable. Anya got her best shot only because she tripped on a step. Whitney's photo was stunning but looked, guess what?, posey. And Fatima is only still with us because Dominique sucked more.

And that's what we get going into next week's finale. What a snooze of a season. If I had to guess what's going to happen, I'd say Anya barely squeaks by in the Cover Girl ad, reaching the final runway walk. There she'll face Whitney, because they seem determined to have a plus size girl in the finale this year. Also, Fatima is bound to do something dumb. Then Anya will crush Whitney in the final runway show, emerging as the winner. And Whitney will go home where she will never again be called "plus size" at a size 8.

See, I've saved myself and all of you from having to watch next week. You can thank me later.

— Kathy Lyford

‘American Idol’: Jason up in smoke

Erin: Well kids, it’s time to say goodbye to the goofy antics of the very pretty Jason. We will miss his lackadaisical attitude, his laid-back demeanor and his one-trick pony singing style. In a few seasons, he will be all but forgotten, remembered only as “that hot kid with the dreads.” And rightfully so.

Kathy: I was out late last night and from the lack of emails I received I knew before I even sat down with my Tivo that everything was as it should be and that Jason had finally made his exit. He seemed relieved, if anything. He actually said that he didn't know how he would have learned three songs next week.

Jason seemed like a nice kid but I never got the feeling he wanted to be the “next American Idol.” I really couldn't figure out why he tried out for the show to begin with. I suspect he thought celebs get free weed. Maybe they do. Do they?

Erin: So, to recap the results show, “Idols” brought back Bo, who will always stand out as one of my favorite all-time contestants. Remember his version of “Whipping Post”? He looks good and is still working the rocker beat, and although his song choice isn’t the greatest, I still think fondly of the boy and his many, many split ends.

Kathy: I was thinking the same thing while he performed! The boy needs some Pantene, stat. Also, I was wondering how his stomach is after all those emergency surgeries. He seemed healthy.

Erin: Also on this show, we get a performance by Maroon 5, who like Jason, is easy on the eyes but not so much on the ears. I realize that with that comment I’m going to get a lot of hate mail, so before you guys start with the death threats, please keep in mind that not all of us are into lighter side of alt music. I know, I know, that’s not enough. Can’t you just focus in on the fact that I conceded on the point of how hot both Jason and Mr. Levine are? Isn’t that enough? Can’t we bond on that?

Kathy: All hate mail should be directed to Erin directly. I have no beef with Maroon 5.

Erin: A look back at Jason’s journey revealed some interested facts:
* The boy didn’t realize that the song “Memory” from “Cats” was sung by a cat.
* He befriended crazy guy in the white suit that sang the “We Are Brothers” song.
* He is naturally shy in front of a camera and has issues talking about himself. This is pretty cute actually, but you must wonder why he auditioned on a reality show if he didn’t embrace his narcissistic side just a little bit.
* Jason didn’t realize that the song “Memory” from “Cats” was indeed sung by a cat. I think it’s important that we look at this statement again. I mean, it’s called “Cats.” There are cats on the poster. The show ran in every American city at some point with an extensive ad campaign featuring dancing cats. Seriously. There are a lot of hints here.

Kathy: I’m still stuck on the fact that after looking at a list of the 500 most influential rock songs of all time, Jason claimed to recognize only a few. How is that possible? Also I enjoyed the look of terror Jason got on his face when Andrew Lloyd Webber told him "Memory" was sung by an "old glamour puss." Hee.

Erin: I don’t think Jason was as well liked as producers would have thought. No one cried when he left. No one tried to comfort him. They cut off his final performance before he can mutilate “I Shot the Sheriff” any further. And none of the other Idols told him that “Cats” features cats singing.

I rest my case.

Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

P.S.
Another life after “Idol” career path is chosen: Ace will be on an upcoming episode of “Bones,” along with Brandon Rogers. A synopsis of the episode:

"Both singers will play characters who take part in an amateur club singing contest in the hope to become famous one day. Since this is "Bones," expect one of the contestants to end up dead. … Ace Young's character, named Tommy Sour, is the one biting the dust after the competition. Brandon Rogers will play a character named in the script as "Broadway Wannabe."

‘American Idol’: Hall of shame

Erin: It’s Idols gone wild night on “American Idol” as the remaining four contestants get their chance to shine by picking songs we all expect them to sing. With the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame catalog at their disposal, the top four kids give viewers exactly what we’ve wanted to see. This is the reality TV version of “True Romance,” where every actor involved is playing up their typecast. The rocker Idol sings rock songs, the diva Idol sings soulful ditties, the Idol we all assumed listened to reggae sings Marley and the heartthrob Idol sings love songs that make the whole world sing.

Kathy: I was just sitting here trying to figure out who had the most difficult job in America on Tuesday night: Hillary Clinton’s spin doctor or Ryan Seacrest, who had to single-handedly piece contestants back together? I’m going with Seacrest.

This week, the producers wisely decided to let the judges critique after each perf, and boy does Paula look relieved.

ROUND 1

David C.
Song: “Hungry Like a Wolf” (Duran Duran)
Erin: David is really best when he reshapes (or borrows someone else’s reshaping) of an unconventional tune. But in this perf, he pretty much does it by the book. It’s fine, but because I’m a Durany and have a long-standing crush on Nick Rhodes (and a newly formed crush on Mr. Cook), David gets a pass from me.
Kathy: For Erin it was Nick Rhodes, for me it was Simon LeBon. And David’s perf was so dull, so karaoke, that I spent the whole time thinking about how Simon LeBon could help David with his hair problem. But, as Erin said, David C. can do no wrong at this point so he gets a pass.

Syesha
Song: “Proud Mary” (Ike & Tina)
Erin: Syesha looks like she’s been studying both archived performances of Miss Tina and the recent performance by Tina and Beyonce from the Grammys. Her gold dress, sweeping arm movements and twirls all smack of classic Tina, but it seems to me that she’s holding back a bit. But man, does she look damn good. Hardcore Syesha fan Phil Gallo is probably having a heart attack by now.
Kathy: Sparkly Syesha started off a bit slowly but then, whoa!, wow. You go girl! She’s got Tina’s dance moves down but can’t match the pipes. Still, she keeps on improving week to week and getting more comfortable on stage. I continue to be disappointed that Simon won’t give her a break, because she' really giving it her all, unlike…

Jason
Song: “I Shot the Sheriff” (Bob Marley) - with guitar
Erin: I loved the way he cackled when talking about choosing a Marley song, like it’s an inside joke as to why he picked the reggae master. Sorry honey, it’s not really a mystery wrapped in an enigma here. I get it. The viewers get it. The producers get it. Hell, even people in comas who are watching “Idol” from their hospital beds because candy stripers left the TV for them so they won’t feel “lonely,” get it too.
And damn, it’s just horrible, but extremely amusing. The judges go for the jugular on this one attacking Jason from all sides, which led the best exchange ever in the history of “Idol.”
Simon: “What were you thinking!”
Jason: “I was thinking, ‘Bob Marley!’”
I want to see this kid on more talkshows. He is apparently one of the great analytical minds of the century.
Kathy: The Bob Marley Society called. They want their dreadlocks back.
Poor, dumb Jason announced to the world that out of the 500 most influential rock songs, he recognized “a couple.” Oh boy. Jason deservedly took quite a beating from the judges. Simon basically told him that William Hung and Lady Morgue did a better job in their auditions than Jason did here, stripping him of all dignity and leaving Seacrest to try to soothe Jason’s ego. I was almost sad for him. Maybe he’ll save face with the second song. Or not.

David A.
Song: “Stand by Me” (Ben E. King)
Erin: This is David A. showing off his chops in a big way. I love how he threw in a reference to Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girls” for the tween scene. If you listen closely, you can still hear the screams of 12-year-old girls declaring their love for the young crooner.
Kathy: This is hard for me to admit. Little David did a great job. And I, too, give him props for the Sean Kingston sample. He even made me laugh with his comment that the judges faces scare him. Hee.

ROUND 2

David C.
Song: “Baba O’Riley” (The Who) – with guitar
Erin: Dave took the classic song, slowed it down, removed the bridge and gave it an emo edge. It’s nice to hear the song outside of the “CSI” franchise, which has been using the tunes of the classic band as an anthem for overacting and random autopsies. Anywho, Dave was off to a rocky start, but really pulled it together by the end.
Kathy: David worried me with the song choice but, you know, he made it work. It’s an awfully good thing he had two songs. Still, he seemed a bit off last night. Whatever’s going on in his personal life seems to be weighing on him. C’mon David just a couple more weeks. You’ve got to salvage this season for me by winning.

Syesha
Song: “A Change is Gonna Come” (Sam Cooke)
Erin: She did a much better job with the second song choice. For those of you playing the “Idol” drinking game at home, here is the tally:
1. Got Paula to stand up (1 shot)
2. Got Paula to cry (2 shots)
4. Simon liked it (1 shot)
5. Simon announces that he agrees with Paula (2 shots)
5. Randy makes an contestant cry (down the bottle and find a place to crash)
Kathy: Syesha ticked me off a little at the beginning by comparing her “Idol” journey to the civil rights movement of the ’60s. Yes, Syesha, everything is about you. But I got over it quickly because she was wearing a fantastic dress and she did a really good job with the song. Then Randy did a terrible, terrible thing and made Sy cry and I immediately felt bad about being ticked off with her. And it’s not just a few tears, she’s really losing it. Even Simon looks sympathetic. Poor Ryan is left to hold the tissue box once again. Man, he’s really earning his pay tonight. Randy, I hope you’re happy. Meanie. It’s too bad Syesha couldn’t have saved the whole crying jag for next week when she’ll really need it.

Jason
Song: “Mr. Tambourine Man” (Bob Dylan) - with guitar
Erin: Remember that scene from “Animal House” where Belushi bashes the guitar after hearing the first few lines of “I Gave My Love a Cherry”?
Yep.
Man, Jason is just a’ train wreck tonight. Jason flubs on the lyrics once again, but his version of the song is so terrible, this small mistake is barely even mentioned. At this point, Jason is so bad that even if an alien broke loose from his chest during the performance and began devouring members of the audience and two of the producers, it would take a backseat to his dreadful version of the song. 
Kathy: In Jason’s video clip he says “I picked Bob Dylan because how can you go wrong with Bob Dylan?” Oh, let me count the ways…. Seriously, how do you forget the lyric “Jingle jangle morning”?!
Erin, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this the third time this season that words have been forgotten by “the best top 12 in ‘Idol’ history”? The only positive thing I can say about this perf by Jason is that I guess Syesha is safe tonight.

David A.
Song: "Love Me Tender" (Elvis)
Erin: Teen girls everywhere are spontaneously combusting at this point. Yes folks, we have a winner. Behold the glory of David A. It’s been said if you stare too long at his magnificence, you’ll eventually go blind from the cuteness.
Kathy: David announces that he hasn’t yet sung a love song on the big stage. Really? All you’ve done is ballads. But the kid sure does know how to play to his strengths. He may just have wrapped it up tonight. David Cook is now destined to join the ranks of Clay and Daughtry as a runner up who outsells the winner.

Best
Erin: David A.
Kathy: Hate to say it, but Little David

Worst
Erin: Jason
Kathy: Duh

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

'Survivor: Micronesia': Career-ending injury

Welcome to "Survivor," which for the first few minutes is seriously concerned with the survival of Gravedigger James's infected finger. "Surivor" Doctor warns him right after Tribal Council that the infection is close to the joint, and if it's not better soon he stands a chance of permanently disabling the finger.  Meanwhile, Alexis face-planted while walking around that morning, and is now nursing a leg injury. Knowing that injury might remove two obstacles in her path to victory, Cirie is as jazzed as someone can be without coming off like a horrible human being.  But only just barely.

This week's reward challenge: Survivor "Family Feud"/"Trivial Pursuit," where everyone's quizzed about everyone else.  What are they gonna win?  Loved ones!  Well, not new and exciting loved ones, presumably, but visits from family members.  Erik is positively gleeful over his brother Kurt, showing off his beard ("Sweet beard," Kurt agrees) and his proximity to Jeff Probst ("Look, that's Jeff Probst, he's just standing there!").  Jeff tells Erik that he's a freak. Don't talk that way about Erik, Jeff.

I was gonna give Kurt the award of Hottest Family Member, but do you know who is good looking?  Cirie's husband H.B.  He even gives Cirie a flower!

Trivia challenge doesn't reveal too much we didn't already know, except that everyone is pretty sick of Parvati's talk-talkin'.  And James, who targets Parvati relentlessly during the elimination portion of the challenge, is clearly still holding a grudge.  Alexis wins, and decides to take Cirie and Natalie, along with all relations, to swim in a lake full of jellyfish.  Allegedly the jellyfish are stingless. Still not my idea of a reward, though.  Pretty to look at, but only through glass.

Hey, you know what sucks double?  Losing a reward challenge and then getting pulled out of the game by "Survivor" Doctor.  Jesus, is this season just three episodes shorter than usual?  James is the third person to leave because of medical issues (or being an idiot).  And, hey, poor James!  He wasn't going to make it much longer, anyways, but this is still super-sad.  But my boy Erik is the last man standing. So that's something to be glad about.

Alexis chooses an all-too-willing Amanda to go to Exile Island, where much digging and searching reveals the final clue to the now back-in-play hidden immunity idol, which is buried back at camp. I'm sure it's a little disappointing not to have it in your hands, but it still puts Amanda one over everyone else.  Which is good, because Alexis, Natalie, and Parvati are discussing who to get rid of, and Natalie and Alexis both think that Amanda is a threat.  Parvati says she could never vote against Amanda, her "Survivor" BFF.  We'll see how long that point-of-view lasts.

Today's immunity challenge: shooting a gun at sake bottles.  First to destroy three takes it.  What does this represent about Micronesian culture? Japanese fighter planes and World War II? "Survivor" confuses me.  Either way, Erik's possible past as a hardcore gamer comes in handy and he takes immunity.

Amanda, meanwhile, is a genius (well, a genius who says "oh my god" a lot). Right after the challenge, she empties her bag in front of everyone so that they know she doesn't have the hidden idol, and tells a story about how she couldn't find the first clue.  Which is a pretty small lie in the grand scheme of things.  But she confesses the truth to Parvati, saying she needs her help to dig it up.  Looks like their BFF-ery is intact after all.

Erik and Alexis, meanwhile, believe Amanda's story about not finding the hidden idol and decide to target her.  Amanda confronts Erik, asking him to tell her whether or not he's going to vote for her.  He says yes -- and Cirie also confirms that she's going along with that plan, since, with six people left, if Cirie voted with Parvati and Amanda then it'd be a tie that'd result in a random selection.  So, while Parvati distracts the others, Amanda starts digging -- which is when we dissolve into night and Tribal Council...

During the Oprah part of Council, Amanda does a great job of playing the pissed-off victim, calling Erik out for not protecting her when she protected him and hugging Parvati with the utmost of woe... Until, of course, all the votes are cast and Jeff asks for any hidden immunity idols that might be around.  Amanda grins BIG.  Snapadoodle! So the person going home tonight is the person Amanda and Parvati agreed to vote out, who is...  Alexis!  Alexis limps away into the night. I continue to struggle to remember who she is.

Next week: Erik is discovering the drawbacks of being the only man in a world of women.  One of which includes Natalie wanting to bitch slap you.  (Her words.)

- Liz Shannon Miller

'The Office': Stanley Steamer

Leslie David Baker has always been one of the unsung heroes of "The Office."  I can't count the number of times he's gotten little more than a line, or even just a look, in a given episode as Stanley and made himself seem like an integral part of the story.

But Thursday was Stanley's showcase, as his ongoing annoyance with Michael was coaxed into fury. With just three angry words — "Did I stutter?" — in response to Michael's prodding him to participate in an admittedly silly group brainstorming session, Stanley became the elephant in the room that could no longer be ignored.

After finding no other option to deal with the problem (aside from the untenable one of letting Dwight install the Dunder-Mifflin equivalent of martial law), Michael concluded that fooling Stanley into thinking he was fired would scare Stanley straight. Perhaps most interesting about this was that everyone in the Scranton branch could see this plan would backfire, but no one stepped in to stop it.  Normally, that would be Jim's role, but he had just been cowed by his new nemesis, Ryan, about his own job status.

Inevitably, Michael dug himself a bigger hole, as Stanley threatened a lawsuit that would make his sins look like jaywalking tickets in comparison to Michael's.  Now, we know Stanley has bluffed before — threatening to take a job under Rashida Jones' Karen in Utica — but Michael took him dead serious.

The episode resolved itself after Stanley belittled Michael to such a degree that it drew out that shred of professionalism that we occasionally see in him. Michael cleared the office out for a one-on-one with Stanley that began with supplication but ended with Michael standing on his own two feet. If nothing else, Michael is a survivor — he's been one since his childhood — and he was able to strip everything away and tell Stanley, objectively, that he simply couldn't talk to Michael that way. And with this, Stanley found one sentence out of Michael's mouth he could respect and abide.

If this sounds like it was anything but a barrel of laughs, guess again.  As always, Office Tally has the rundown of the best lines, perhaps highlighted by Darryl's long history of gang involvement: Crips, Bloods, Latin Kings, Newsies. 

One parting question: Does everyone have something of a perverted fixation on Pam now?  There's Creed's open ogling, Toby's increasingly hands-on pining and now, with the sight of Pam in her backup glasses, Kevin's librarian fantasies. ("Could you just say, 'These are due back Thursday?' ")  Frankly, Michael's repeated badgering of Pam's four-eyed appearance was something of a welcome relief.

— Jon Weisman

'American Idol': White out

Erin: Oh Brooke, you did pretty well, kid. You made it this far and you still managed to hold on to your innocence, which is something to be said for a reality show. (“Flavor of Love” and “Rock of Love” ladies take note: it is possible to go on TV without bring shame upon your entire family. Really.)

Kathy: I was probably more invested in Brooke for a longer time than any other contestant this season, except for Asia’h. So this one was a little sad for me. Brooke was like a bright light for a few weeks, until the show started to take an emotional toll on her. Don’t worry Brooke, I’m sure your sister will forgive you for missing her wedding. I think Brooke can carve out a niche for herself and probably won’t have to go back to being a nanny. If Jasmine could manage to turn her “Idol” stint into a decent career, Brooke certainly should be able to.

Erin: Here are my highlights from last night’s long haul:

Neil Diamond tried to shill his new album by refusing to play “Cherry Cherry.”

Natasha Bedingfield proved that even established females over the age of 13 can also succumb to the charms of David A.

Simon finds out his first kiss has been stalking him for the better part of four decades.

Paula does not have a problem.

Kathy: I enjoyed contrite, humbled Paula quite a bit, but there were two highlights for me last night.

When the Natasha asked if she could “go say hi to David,” David Cook immediate leapt to his feet with open arms to await her embrace, only to see the lovely Brit songbird plop herself down right next to Little David. She even asked David A. to take her to the prom!

When Constantine and Gina Glocksen were shilling whatever their “Idol” related show is, Gina said — with a gleam in her eye — “We get the first interview with the elminated contestant. And sometimes there’s lots to tears!!”

Erin: We also explored the concept of “the zone.” This is apparently a happy place where contestants go and can do no wrong. Judges keep bringing it up like it’s the Holy Land. In “the zone,” for one fleeting moment, you are the best. Until America votes and brings you back to reality, knocking you off your game like a Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Robot.

Jason and the Davids were safe and found a spot on the couch, while the ladies were banished to the bottom two. Syesha guided Brooke to her usual barstool at the corner of the stage where the audience members sequestered to that area welcomed her back with open arms (“Norm!”). Seriously, this is the sixth time that Syesha has been in the bottom. In the real world, nobody would get by after this many bad performance reviews. If this was the Gap, she would have been fired by now.

Brooke gave her teary farewell, ending the night with her back toward the audience like the final scene in the “Blair Witch Project.” And with that, we bid adieu to Brooke. But don’t worry, we’ll see her in the audience soon enough. Apparently, life after “Idol” doesn’t only include a spot on the traveling tour, but a lifetime supply of free tickets to the shows. Right, Constantine?

Kathy: After another large ratings drop last night, I’m sure Nigel and the crew are brainstorming on ways to tweak the show. Here are my suggestions. Replace one of the judges. Maybe two of them. Tell us who got the highest vote total and have them sing us out on elimination night instead of forcing a crying, exiting contestant to sing a song that nobody liked the night before.

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

‘American Idol’: Diamond Dogs

Kathy: Next week on “American Idol,” Jason sucked, David Cook rocked, Syesha sang well but nobody liked her and Little David made yet another song sound exactly the same as all the others while little girls screeched.
What’s that you say? Next week hasn’t happened yet? Oh boy. I've misread my notes. I thought they all sang next week already. Now I’m embarrassed. Erin can you take over for a minute while I figure this out? Tell the folks a story or something. I’m going to have another swig of Paula’s Coca Cola and try to get my bearings.

Erin: It’s Neil Diamond week on “Idol,” and I am happy to say that Neil looks fab. I’m so glad he didn’t go the Kenny Rogers route in aging. Neil take the kids under his wing as they step up to the plate to either popularize his tunes for a new generation, or mutilate them so that lifelong fans will learn to hate them.
And since Ryan gets to tell a dumb story about Neil Diamond, I feel justified in sharing my story as well.

Back when I was  a kid, my mom used to teach at this hoity-toity school where celebs sent their spawn for an alternative education. As the  classroom charity cases, my sis and I got to tag along on many of the field trips, which were not your normal “let’s take a bus to the zoo” thing. It was more like weeklong ski trips and tours of Malibu beaches. Anyway, on one of the trips, the  entire class went camping for the weekend with parents in tow. Neil came with his kids and even brought a guitar along for the campfire. Looking back, it was pretty cool, but at the time, I had little idea of who he was, so my sister and I spent  the night taunting him for not knowing the words to “La Bamba.” I’m really sorry about that Neil. In hindsight, I was an idiot. If I ever go camping with you again, I’ll just sit quietly and listen to whatever tunes you want to play. You’re the man, baby.

Kathy: Oh yeah, Neil Diamond. We’re on the same page now. I wasn’t looking forward to this week, especially when I heard that each kid was doing two songs. I was pretty sure there weren't 10 Neil Diamond songs I could sit through. But Neil is an affable guy, although WAY more tactful than Andrew Lloyd Webber — so, not as fun. And he does look great. There’s a lot to be said for aging gracefully. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Kenny Rogers. Maybe I’ll cancel that Botox consultation I have set up.

Erin: This week, each Idol gets the two chances to shine, and the judges must remain mute during the first performance. It’s double the fun, double the groans.

Kathy: Before we talk about the actual performances, let’s talk about Paula and that thing that happened last night. It may have been the single most entertaining segment in “Idol” history, but not in a good way.

Erin: When Paula is asked to give an opinion of Jason’s first performance, she has a vision of the future by giving a review of his second performance as well. I think she had taken a few too many of Mother’s little helpers Tuesday, or she took the perfect amount and it has released her psychic abilities, “Dead Zone” style.

Kathy: I watched it six times. I couldn't get enough. The whole thing kind of happened in slow motion, like a traffic accident. Here’s my play-by-play of the whole event.

Paula says to Jason, who has only sung once, “I thought your second performance was, um, lacking that charm you usually bring." Plus something about how it left him (or her, I'm not sure) empty. Randy says "He only sang one song." Then Paula made it worse: “WHAT? I can’t read my notes. This is hard. You mean you didn’t sing twice? I thought you sang twice.”

First everyone was frozen, just trying to figure out what the hell Paula just did. Then David Cook barely stifled a laugh, forever cementing a place in my heart. Jason looked confused. Oh wait, no reaction from Jason; he always looks like that. Brooke looked concerned. Seacrest looked bewildered. Then the lady stage manager (remember her, the one who wanted to touch Brad Pitt?) obviously yelled something from backstage because Seacrest glanced to his right, looking pleadingly backstage and everyone suddenly sprang into action. I imagine she shouted something like “Stop her now, before it gets worse!” Randy and Simon stepped in like protective older brothers and helped Paula out of the fog she was in.

Randy: “Paula, Paula, Paula, just tell us who was your favorite?”
Simon: “Oh I’ve had enough. Here we go. Jason, you’re forgettable. David Cook you’re just above average. Brooke, it was a nightmare. Archuletta you were amateurish and Syesha, you were old fashioned. You better all step it up.”
Way to bring us back to reality Simey.

Note to Paula from Erin and Kathy:
1) Take notes that you can read. We do it every week.
2) This is not hard. Erin and I manage and we have full time jobs and no servants.
3) You do not get to pre-judge the contestants. Only Erin and I get to do that.
4) Have your doctor regulate your meds.

And here’s what we thought of the performances, after actually hearing them.

"American Idol": Paula has, uh, lost it

Attending the "Idol" taping last night made me feel like a first-hand witness to the beginning of the end.

Not so much on "Idol" itself, which is having ratings woes but still dominates the competition and isn't going anywhere anytime soon, but on Paula Abdul, who hit a new low — even for Paula standards.

Sure, the format was changed when the kids did five performances in a row before hearing from the judges. And, yeah, it was somewhat difficult for the judges to compile their thoughts on all the songs in a compressed time period.

But when Paula started commenting on Jason's second song, before he had even sung it, well, it just sent the in-studio audience into a kind of "what just happened" moment. When the show went to a commercial break right after, Paula scurried out of her seat, head down and left the stage without saying a word.

She, obviously, knew she had screwed up big time, but the episode didn't come off as an easy and forgettable laugh or just another  "Hey, isn't that Paula wacky" scenario. This seemed far more serious; at least if felt that way at the time.

While there's little question Paula's antics can make for a ratings bump -- in the way rubberneckers like to slow down on freeway to get a look at an accident -- doesn't producer Nigel Lythgoe owe it to viewers, and especially the contestants, to use the most qualified judges as possible if the show is to have any credibility at all?

Simon, as good and honest as he is, can carry the load on his shoulders for only so long.

— Stuart Levine

'Survivor: Micronesia': Reality love gone wrong

I find it interesting that this week's "Previously On…" casts Parvati as a straight-up double-crosser, when last week, we saw that Cirie was also a huge proponent of betraying past alliances to vote out Ozzy.  But in gauging the aftermath, perhaps the "Survivor" editors have a point. Because while Cirie stays mostly at the sidelines this week, Amanda is actively annoyed by Parvati's girl power plan, and both she and James are pissed.

Parvati isn't oblivious to this, and first tries to save her relationship with "Survivor" boyfriend James.  But James is too busy ruminating on how Parvati can't stop eating "the apple" (of temptation?) to really take her apologies seriously. Here's a thought, Parvati: when your "Survivor" boyfriend can't stop comparing you to Eve in the Garden of Eden — your reality TV love may just be DOA.

Almost as awkward is Parvati's conversation with her (possibly former) BFF Amanda. Cirie wanders over just in time to confirm that it's her, Amanda and Parvati to the end.  But for some reason, Amanda doesn't totally trust the two women responsible for voting out her "Survivor" boyfriend.  Amanda?  Not as dumb as she looks.

We cut away from the drama to focus on important things. Like this season's blind auction. This element of the season always makes me feel deeply uncomfortable, like the producers are rubbing America's excesses in our faces. After all, Cirie spends $120 on a hot dog and french fries. Tell me what's more American than that.

Other highlights of the auction include James enjoying some fruitbat soup, and Natalie winning a large chocolate cake, which she and three others have to eat in 60 seconds. She of course chooses her alliance of Parvati, Alexis, and Cirie, and afterward Erik offers $20 to lick their fingers. Cirie takes him up on it. YOU'RE MARRIED, CIRIE. There is an entire montage of people licking chocolate off fingers.
Like I said, uncomfortable.

One interesting twist does come up during the auction — because Ozzy never played his immunity idol before being voted out, a new immunity idol has been hidden. We find this out because Natalie wins a chance to send a whining Jason off to Exile Island. "Maybe this time you'll find a real idol," Jeff observes.

After the auction, everyone talks about getting rid of Jason.  But that doesn't stop Jason from finding the hidden immunity idol easily. He thinks that this is a sign that Natalie sent him there on purpose, and that he and Natalie are in an alliance. But back at camp, Natalie calls him a "bitch" like four times while discussing how she and the other woman will target him at tribal council, with James ready as a second choice.  Erik isn't on the table, because today it's Erik's birthday and "as evil and diabolical and manipulative as women can be," Natalie says, "we want Erik to have a good birthday."  Wow.
Natalie's a real peach.

Today's immunity challenge is a mash-up of every single puzzle-assembling challenge. And before they get to it, Natalie pulls Jason aside and whispers to him that he should let anyone but James win this challenge, because James is on the chopping block. Damn, Natalie's a good liar. At least when it comes to men. Jason is putty.

The challenge comes down to Erik and James, but Erik manages to take it.  Happy birthday, Erik, here's individual immunity!

Of course, it just means an extra few days among these women, who are really enjoying their new power.  Parvati nicknames the alliance the Black Widow Brigade, because they are spinning the men around and devouring them. Yes, that's what she says. Yes, we keep cutting to inserts of giant jungle spiders when she says it. Yes, it's starting to creep me out. This show keeps providing stronger and stronger arguments in favor of misogyny.

Blissfully unaware of any of this, Jason is proving to be way too trusting.  By way too trusting, I mean he's doing stuff like leaving his bag unattended while he goes fishing, assuming that the women won't search through it to learn if he found the secret idol.

So the women search through his bag and learn that he does have it, but they're not too worried, because all they have to do is make sure he's comfy and cozy that night, so he won't play it and thus leave himself open to elimination. Natalie talks some more about how much fun she's having, discovering her true self: who turns out to be a stone-cold bitch. Her words, people. Natalie likes the word bitch a little too much.  Also she wants to floss his teeth with Jason's jugular. Does she think she's being cute right now?  She's sure grinning like she does.

At tribal council, the big tense moment is not the voting, but whether or not Jason is going to play his idol. And he doesn't! James does the cutest double-take. But James still freaks out as the votes get read off, because wow, James got more votes than I was expecting, honestly. And Parvati gets one vote!  Parsing the post-credits sequence reveals that vote came from James. A "Survivor" boyfriend scorned...  But Jason is eliminated, the big dope. It's going to be funny, when Ozzy and Jason get a chance to say their piece. Based on the way Ozzy's been glowering off to the side, I bet he's already got some choice words picked out.

Next week: James' hand is screwed up!  Families come to visit!  And Erik continues to be my favorite ever.

— Liz Shannon Miller

‘America’s Next Top Model’: When in Rome

The camaraderie displayed last week has gone out the window. The final 6 are in Rome and after a bit more kvetching about “travel documents” Fatima announces that she’s not feeling well and goes off to bed. Not only does she get no sympathy, the girls (with the notable exception of sweet, adorable Anya) are downright rude and proceed to make fun of her. Um, hello? Wasn’t Dom sick a few weeks back? Didn’t Lauren have to be rushed to the hospital just last week with the thumb thing she couldn’t stop talking about. What a bunch of catty witches.

Reward challenge: When the Tyra mail comes (Ms. Banks as Mona Lisa, thank you very much), the girls are off on a tour of Rome and a lesson in Italian style from a hottie who works for designer Gai Mattiolo. The tour culminates in reward challenge involving a meet and greet with Gai who has them each model one of his outfits. He’s not overly impressed with five of them, particularly Dom, who he deems “not fresh.” Hee. However, he borders on stalkerish with Anya, who he calls “blond, young, fresh, tall, beautiful and blond.”

Obviously she wins the prize, a red carpet original Mattiolo gown. And it’s gorgeous. And, although she’s gracious, the green-eyed monsters rear their ugly heads as the other girls begin to bitch about Anya always winning. It’s a Karma thing, you dopes. Live with it.

Elimination challenge: Tyra mail! It’s time for the Covergirl 30-second commercial challenge. OH BOY! This is always the most entertaining challenge of the season and this one doesn’t disappoint. They have to learn their lines in Italian. Oh, thank you, producers. This is going to be good.

As my fondness for Anya has grown, I’ve been concerned about her making it through this challenge. Her obvious speech difficulties don’t bode well here. Luckily, everyone basically faceplants and she’s saved by her undeniable model looks.
Kat delivers spot-on Italian, but dull acting; Fatima vamps it up a bit too much; Dominique and Whitney are, guess what?, fake; and Anya and Lauren are disastrous, but Lauren is worse. Not only could she not say the lines but she didn’t even try. I honestly think she could have saved herself by just saying “Pizza, lasagne, fettucini and Sophia Loren!” with a little bit of enthusiasm. When in trouble, make them laugh, right?

Judges panel: At panel the judges all have a hearty giggle over the filmed train wrecks. I had to roll my eyes as they told Whitney that when she gets in front of the camera her personality turns “fake and bitchy.” News flash to the judges: Bitch is Whitney’s default. She’s not faking that.

Bottom two: Whitney and Lauren land at the bottom two. Awkward Lauren finally reaches the end of the road. Although she takes stunning photographs I don’t see a modeling career in her future. Bye Lauren, you will be missed.

Tyra's most over-the-top moment: Saying almost everything in an Italian accent.

Favorite: Anya

Can’t wait to see her go: Dom

— Kathy Lyford

"American Idol": What just happened??

I'll leave it to our "American Idol" experts Kathy and Erin to fully explain the atrocity that was the results portion of the show last night, put I had to throw my two cents in there to vent my outrage at having Carly tossed.

Sure, Carly was no Carrie Underwood-to-be -- who knows if she even has the musical chops to launch a successful post-"Idol" career -- but seeing her go before Jason was a travesty. Travesty I say!

Not to pick on Jason -- OK, I'll pick on him -- but the guy seems more interested in selling incense on Venice Beach than in being a musician. The guy is so laid back, every time I watch him perform I think he's going to fall asleep before the song is over. That is if I don't fall asleep watching him first.

Why did he survive and Carly say goodbye when it was obvious she had a much better performance Tuesday night? A minor factor might've been Carly's tattoos and her husband's faceful of tats, which might've scared off mainstream America.

The larger factor, however, is that Jason's a heartthrob of 16-year-old girls who have nothing better to do than dial in for him 800 times a night. That's the way to get into "Idol's" final rounds, by being the cute guy or girl who everyone wants to cuddle with.

No cuddling with Carly. All she could do was sing.

-- Stuart Levine

‘American Idol’: Irish eyes aren’t smiling

Erin: Color me shocked. The talented Carly leaves us and I’m sad, but not devastated like when Michael left. All and all, she took the news like a champ and I’m looking forward to her Apple.com release of power ballads due out in about two years.

Kathy: I can normally gauge the outrage level of America by the number of emails I get from friends and family at 10:01 p.m. on Wednesday night. (Unfortunately I sometimes don’t watch til later so some of those loved ones are ruining the show for me but, oh well.) Anyway, last night several in my circle were quite upset so I’m predicting Amercia at large isn’t going to be happy with this decision. My mom says she’s never watching again. Oh Mom, I’ve said that before. But just when you think you’re out, they pull you back in.

What a long, strange season it’s been. I haven’t had a consistent favorite at all. In every other season I have picked my contestant (or two) early on and never wavered: Season 1: Kelly and Tamyra; Season 2: Kimberley: Season 3: Fantasia; Season 4: Carrie; Season 5: Kellie and Daughtry; Season 6: Doolittle. This season they’ve all had their moment in the sun with me but I haven’t been loyal to any of them. In the early rounds I liked Kristy; later I hated her. David A. had me at “Imagine,” then lost me. Brooke was my Top 12 girl, but one too many screwups killed that. Michael was probably my most consistent fave but Jason, Carly, Amanda, Syesha and Ramiele also had ever-so-brief moments in the sun. And now I’m in David C.’s camp. So, while I totally disagreed with this week's bottom 2 (Syesha and Carly) and I’m sorry that Carly went a couple of weeks too soon, I’m not really sad.

Erin: I’m starting to notice a pattern here. One week, America gets lazy with the texts, and we lose a superstar. This sobers up the viewing audience to the realities of talent-based competition shows, thus redeeming themselves the next week by kicking off a contestant that deserves it. Check it out:

March 12: David Hernandez — Talented. Didn’t really deserve to go at this point.
March 19: Amanda Overmyer — I loved her, but she was a one-trick pony. I miss her still, but it was fair.
March 26: Chikezie Eze — Didn’t deserve to go quite yet.
April 2: Ramiele Malubay — Her reign of terror and boredom comes to an end
April 10: Michael Johns — UNFAIR! BOO! HISS! HISS!
April 16: Kristy Lee Cook — Proof of a higher power… a higher power that watches reality television.
April 23: Carly Smithson — Totally unwarranted. Especially since she rocked out.

See? So, stay strong America. If voters keep with this pattern, things should correct themselves next week.

Kathy: Following Erin’s handy dandy formula, I believe I can safely predict how the rest of the season will go. See, Mom, you don’t have to watch after all.

April 30: Jason finally makes his overdue exit
May 7: Syesha leaves a week too early, leaving Brooke and the Davids
May 14: Brooke leaves us a few weeks too late
Finale: David A. is crowned when it really should be David C.

Oh, lord, let me be wrong.

Erin: Andrew LW chatted with Ryan a bit about the contestants, where he said (and this is a direct quote): “Jason really, really sucks. He won’t listen to me and I hate his hair. I don’t understand how he got this far. I’m very confused about the boy and I need an explanation as to why he is still here.”

Ok, that’s paraphrasing. But honestly, it’s not that far from the truth.

Kathy: I rewound and watched that part twice, I enjoyed it so much.

Also, Simon’s protégé Leona Lewis has left me with that silly “Bleeding Love” song playing on a continuous loop in my head. Thanks. Does anyone else think she looks like Blu Cantrell?

Note: Did the producers have to ruin a prefectly good elimination show by having the Bushes appear?

Erin: “Idol” also wanted to remind the hopefuls that there is life after reality TV on Broadway. We get a heads up on Tamyra Gray and Clay Aiken in their post-TV careers as performers in “Rent” and “Spamalot,” respectively. This is to reassure “Idols” that not all paths lead to the TV Guide channel, reunion shows and tabloid magazines where you talk about your illicit affair with Paula Abdul.

Kathy: Don’t forget the other Great White Way careers carved out by “Idol” contestants: Fantasia and LaKisha (“Color Purple”); Diana DeGarmo (“Hairspray”); Frenchie (“Rent”). Even Constantine was on Broadway briefly.

Erin: Alas, I wish you well, dear Carly. I hope you are scheduled to go on stage after Kristy on the “Idol” tours so that I can miss her completely. But hey, I hope this tidbit cheers you up: You placed exactly the same as Kellie Pickler and she's doing fantastic right now. So, buck up little camper. We’ll climb that hill together.

Kathy: Note to future idol wannabes. Teen girls won’t text for you if you have tattoos. Or an accent.

Next week: Neil Diamond. May he be as honest and insightful as Sir Andrew was.

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

‘American Idol’: I don’t know how to love him

Kathy: Andrew Lloyd Webber pays a visit to the Idols this week, or rather, they pay a visit to him in Las Vegas. So this week we get songs that not only have the kids never heard but I’m guessing the majority of the audience hasn’t heard either. As I cuddled up with my Tivo to catch last night’s episode I vowed that as soon as somebody fired up “Jellicle Ball” from “Cats” I’d be done for the night. Thankfully, that didn’t happen.

Instead, I have a whole new respect for Sir Webber. He has an uncanny ability to pinpoint the most annoying characteristic of each Idol, sometimes rather bluntly. ALW also explains how important it is for him to have singers who believe the words they are singing. Boy, oh boy, is he in for bitter disappointment with this bunch.

But, I’m pleasantly surprised because I expected six train wrecks in a row. What I got instead were two contestants doing what they always do, two finally finding their footing and two absolute disasters.

Erin: In my past life, I’m pretty sure I was a horrible torch song singer who trampled the lives and careers of others to get to the top, because I’m paying for it in this life with one ballad-themed week after another on “American Idol.”

NOTE: It’s Passover at the Erin household, so the whole clan is in town, all of whom watch “American Idol” and all of whom are pretty funny… and loud. How loud? I’m the shy one in the family. So, I tried to give credit where credit was due. It was hard to distinguish which were my original thoughts and which were comments that were screamed at me between mouthfuls of matzah-based muffins.

This week, the kids pretend they know the works of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Not to say they aren’t familiar with “Phantom of the Opera” or “Cats,” but I’m sure their knowledge of “Tell Me on a Sunday” or “Aspects of Love” might be a little hazy at best. So, the real theme of this week’s “Idol” is “Superstar Phantom of Evita’s Cats.”

Kathy: Note the star power in the audience tonight: David Duchovny, Allison Janney, Joely Fisher, Ricky (I refuse to call him Rick) Schroder, a couple of women I think are Pussycat Dolls.

Syesha (TV Guide power ranking #6)
Song: “One Rock & Roll Too Many” (“Starlight Express”)
Kathy: ALW made Syesha try the song with no animation, then again with some fun injected into it, then asked her to determine which she thought was more effective. Lo and behold, Syesha discovers her personality. Who is this bubbly girl and what has she done with the robotic Syesha? Thank you Mr. Webber. I thought she rocked this song. Is it enough for her to be the next American Idol? Not by a long shot. But it should cement her a career on Broadway. I predict a Tony win for Ms. Mercado within five years. You heard it here first, folks.
Erin: Where is BreakSk8 when you need them? I realize that I’ve mentioned this before, but how can I even think of “Starlight Express” without wondering about my boys from “America’s Best Dance Crew.” They have burned their way into my soul and I will carry a part of them wherever I go on life’s journey. Thanks, Randy!
Syesha is fine, but it’s not a stand out performance in any way. She plays it vampy with a red dress, but it’s just not working for me. For vampy to work, you gotta look like your prepared to do a little harm, like steal your best friend’s man or go on a bender in Las Vegas with a bunch of bikers. Without that possibility of deviance, it just looks like Syesha is playing dress up. Which she is.

Jason (TV Guide power ranking #3)
Song: “Memories” (“Cats”)
Kathy: ALW is completely flummoxed by Jason, as I have been for weeks now. Jason just really isn’t very bright. For instance, he didn’t know the songs in “Cats” were sung by, you know, feline characters. OK then. This was just the completely wrong song for him and Andrew told him so, but he forged ahead anyway. I’m falling a little in love with Andrew Lloyd Webber, I think. I’ve seen a second rate traveling production of “Cats” (longest 2½ hours of my life, by the way) and it wasn’t this bad. Hell, the understudy in the Pougkeepsie dinner theater production would have been damn sight better.
Erin: “Aeschylus did not invent the theatre to have it end up a bunch of chorus kids in cat suits prancing around wondering which of them will go to kitty-cat heaven.” — “Six Degrees of Separation”
Yep. Couldn’t agree more.
I’m sorry but Jason’s whole performance was hysterical. It was the perfect mixture of boring, whiney and wrong. Had it not been Andrew Lloyd Webber week, I would of half expected Jason to come out sitting on an oil drum singing “Rainbow Connection.”
His perf of the song was like Mother Rose pushed him out on stage before taking him to the potty. The vocals were on par with a fifth grader in a church-sponsored talent contest, while his homage to “Magnum P.I.” outfit didn’t help him much either. This was just a horrible song choice for him.

Brooke (TV Guide power ranking #5)
Song: “You Must Love Me” (“Evita,” feature film version)
Kathy: ALW: “I don’t think the girl had a clue what she was singing about.” Amen. That pretty much sums up Brooke. And that would have been bad enough but then came the “Oh, sorry, can we start again?” moment and it went downhill from there. It was just painful, even for this show. Brooke dug her own grave with this performance and, I gotta say, my heart broke just a little for her.
Erin: In the video before the song, Andy breaks down the tune for Brooke, because apparently she doesn’t have HBO and wasn’t subjected to the thousands of showings of Madonna’s “Evita” most cable subscribers had to endure.
But whoa! Looks like Jason’s safe this week, because Brooke really, really messed up. She does the “Idol” equivalent of a faceplant. After an initial bad start, “Idol’s” answer to Carly Simon had to take another shot at the song. But even with the redo, it was just not a great performance. Paula advises Brooke to ad lib next time she forgets the words. “Yes, that’s great advice,” said my sis. “It’s not like middle America knows Andrew Lloyd Webber songs anyway. Feel free to make it your own.”

David A. (TV Guide power ranking #2)
Song: “Think of Me” (“Phantom of the Opera”)
Kathy: The genius that is Andrew Lloyd Webber essentially says to David A. what I and anyone who doesn’t subscribe to Tiger Beat have been thinking for weeks. “Open your bloody eyes when you sing!” And I feel like kissing Mr. Webber for dispensing that advice. That’s exactly what I’ve been yelling at my television every Tuesday night. Just ask my cat. Anyway, while he ain’t no Sarah Brightman, David does what he does and sings a passable version of yet another bland ballad and he’ll easily move on to the next round. And I continue to be bored.
Erin: I would have loved to have seen him sing “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina,” complete with sweeping arm movements and the white suit just to see the confusion on the faces of the David Archuletta Contingency.
So, he sings a “Phantom” ballad while playing “change the pronoun” to make the song fit his Stanley Manly ways. (If he wants to play that game, I’ll go along.) The camera pans to Andy, who looks like he’s sorry he’s ever crossed the Pond.
Anyway, David is safe for another week and will continue turning girls into woman with the power of his voice… and nothing more.

Carly (TV Guide power ranking #4)
Song: “Jesus Christ Superstar” (duh)
Kathy: ALW dings Carly for song choice and once again zeroes in on a contestant’s obvious faults. Can he just show up every week? Perhaps he could replace Paula on the judges’ panel? Would he like to be a guest recapper here on Season Pass? Anway, once Carly sorts out the song choice and dons a cute dress with sleeves, she delivers her first credible performance of the entire season. Way to save yourself Carly. You owe the prolific Brit a big debt of gratitude.
Erin: Thank you, Andy. You rule. You talked Carly out of performing another dreary ballad for “Jesus Christ Superstar,” and for that a grateful nation thanks you. This is a great performance for a few reasons:
1. The outfit is superb
2. Singing about the big JC will score you points in middle America, even if they can’t get the reference.
3. It rescues certain recappers from ballad hell.
And what made Carly really cute was the shirt she held up: “Simon Loves Me (This Week).” It was much better than her original t-shirt, which said “Ask Me About Our Special on Face Tattoos.”

David C. (TV Guide power ranking #1)
Song: “Music of the Night” (“Phantom of the Opera”)
Kathy: Is it just me or does David close the show a lot? Ryan and the producers deftly avoid the David Cook controversy of the week: His CD that was available for download on Amazon and then swiftly pulled by 19 Entertainment and Fox. So, good then, the two viewers who don’t have access to the Internet won’t be affected by that at all.
ALW tells David to let go a little and it’s great advice. Dave half listens and delivers a solid performance that will neither win nor lose him any votes. Looks like smooth sailing for Mr. Cook all the way to the finale. Perhaps he’ll master the new hairstyle by then.
Erin: As Dave takes the stage, I wonder which rock band recently released of a cover of a Webber showtune? Did Chris Cornell sing a slowed down rocker version of “Magical Mr. Mistoffelees” of late? Or maybe Incubus did a sped-up version of “A Lotta Locomotion.”
Surprisingly, David keeps to the original, albeit the Gerard Butler version, sans the painted abs and feathered helmet. It was actually pretty damn sultry. In his pre-perf chat with Andy, the music man explains that this is the sexiest song he’s ever written, and I have to admit, David does it justice. My crush is growing. As my cousin Maya pointed out, “Even Paula likes his ‘beautiful instrument.’” ‘Nuff said.

Best:
Erin: David C., Carly
Kathy: Syesha, Carly

Worst:
Erin: Brooke, Jason
Kathy: Duh. Brooke, Jason

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

‘Survivor Micronesia’: Broken promises and alliances

Last week, I was sadly far far away from my beloved TiVo, and thus I was reduced to trying to watch “Survivor” on this thing we called the Internet! But after five minutes of typing things like “And then Ozzy gets really pixelated and his words stop matching up with his mouth,” I had to give up and wait until my return home.

Before we start, remember the last episode, when Erik made up a nonsense word and claimed it was Micronesian for “good” and everyone agreed to make that the team name? Well! A note from the reader mailbag: “Dabu is better known (to Warcraft players) as an orcish word for ‘I obey.’” Thanks Eric-with-a-C! You have confirmed that Erik-with-a-K is forever my favorite. Cuz if Erik is a WoW fanatic, then he just hit a new level of nerd-dom.

Back to camp after last week, and Jason is totally psyched that Eliza was the one who played the fake immunity idol, and not him. Because certainly it’s better to be the idiot who mistook the fake for a real immunity idol but still stays on the show, than be the person who recognized immediately that the idol was fake, and played it anyway. Actually, it is better. Funny how that works.

Everyone’s laughing over how Ozzy got Jason and Eliza, especially Ozzy, but Cirie is a little sad that Jason’s immunity idol wasn’t fake. Because if it had been real, the votes against Eliza wouldn’t have counted, and Ozzy would have gone home. Cirie would not have been sad about that.

There’s like a full 10 minutes of Jason still being high on his victory from last week, and it’s starting to get a little old. Dude, you held your breath for a few minutes. You didn’t scale Everest.

But WOW, right away we move onto a reward challenge! Right at the top of an episode! Awesome. The Survivors get into teams to complete a memory challenge — they have to arrange symbols to match with a master board on the other side of a “multi-level net tunnel.” The reward is a trip to the island of Yap, which is when I remember that there’s a whole episode of “The West Wing” where Toby and Sam get a guy off the Federal Elections Commission by making him an ambassador to the Federated States of Micronesia, which is only chosen because Aaron Sorkin likes funny words like “yap.” My education owes much to this sort of thing.

A schoolyard pick means that Cirie, as the odd lady out, gets sent to Exile Island. I am now even more worried about Cirie. She heads off and some relay race/memory game action ensues — surprisingly more dynamic than you’d think. The Jason/Ozzy/Erik/Amanda team triumphs, thanks to a clever strategy of splitting up each row so that one person only has to memorize four tiles at a time. Amanda clenches Ozzy’s arm when Jeff mentions all the culture that they are about to experience. Yap culture! Oh, Yap is a funny word.

The reward folk have a great time eating food and watching tribal dancing, especially Erik, who probably regrets his short shorts when confronted with an entire village of topless women (tastefully blurred out by the editors). Erik admits that it’s probably the most bre