Kathy: Next week on “American Idol,” Jason sucked, David Cook rocked, Syesha sang well but nobody liked her and Little David made yet another song sound exactly the same as all the others while little girls screeched.
What’s that you say? Next week hasn’t happened yet? Oh boy. I've misread my notes. I thought they all sang next week already. Now I’m embarrassed. Erin can you take over for a minute while I figure this out? Tell the folks a story or something. I’m going to have another swig of Paula’s Coca Cola and try to get my bearings.

Erin: It’s Neil Diamond week on “Idol,” and I am happy to say that Neil looks fab. I’m so glad he didn’t go the Kenny Rogers route in aging. Neil take the kids under his wing as they step up to the plate to either popularize his tunes for a new generation, or mutilate them so that lifelong fans will learn to hate them.
And since Ryan gets to tell a dumb story about Neil Diamond, I feel justified in sharing my story as well.

Back when I was  a kid, my mom used to teach at this hoity-toity school where celebs sent their spawn for an alternative education. As the  classroom charity cases, my sis and I got to tag along on many of the field trips, which were not your normal “let’s take a bus to the zoo” thing. It was more like weeklong ski trips and tours of Malibu beaches. Anyway, on one of the trips, the  entire class went camping for the weekend with parents in tow. Neil came with his kids and even brought a guitar along for the campfire. Looking back, it was pretty cool, but at the time, I had little idea of who he was, so my sister and I spent  the night taunting him for not knowing the words to “La Bamba.” I’m really sorry about that Neil. In hindsight, I was an idiot. If I ever go camping with you again, I’ll just sit quietly and listen to whatever tunes you want to play. You’re the man, baby.

Kathy: Oh yeah, Neil Diamond. We’re on the same page now. I wasn’t looking forward to this week, especially when I heard that each kid was doing two songs. I was pretty sure there weren't 10 Neil Diamond songs I could sit through. But Neil is an affable guy, although WAY more tactful than Andrew Lloyd Webber — so, not as fun. And he does look great. There’s a lot to be said for aging gracefully. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Kenny Rogers. Maybe I’ll cancel that Botox consultation I have set up.

Erin: This week, each Idol gets the two chances to shine, and the judges must remain mute during the first performance. It’s double the fun, double the groans.

Kathy: Before we talk about the actual performances, let’s talk about Paula and that thing that happened last night. It may have been the single most entertaining segment in “Idol” history, but not in a good way.

Erin: When Paula is asked to give an opinion of Jason’s first performance, she has a vision of the future by giving a review of his second performance as well. I think she had taken a few too many of Mother’s little helpers Tuesday, or she took the perfect amount and it has released her psychic abilities, “Dead Zone” style.

Kathy: I watched it six times. I couldn't get enough. The whole thing kind of happened in slow motion, like a traffic accident. Here’s my play-by-play of the whole event.

Paula says to Jason, who has only sung once, “I thought your second performance was, um, lacking that charm you usually bring." Plus something about how it left him (or her, I'm not sure) empty. Randy says "He only sang one song." Then Paula made it worse: “WHAT? I can’t read my notes. This is hard. You mean you didn’t sing twice? I thought you sang twice.”

First everyone was frozen, just trying to figure out what the hell Paula just did. Then David Cook barely stifled a laugh, forever cementing a place in my heart. Jason looked confused. Oh wait, no reaction from Jason; he always looks like that. Brooke looked concerned. Seacrest looked bewildered. Then the lady stage manager (remember her, the one who wanted to touch Brad Pitt?) obviously yelled something from backstage because Seacrest glanced to his right, looking pleadingly backstage and everyone suddenly sprang into action. I imagine she shouted something like “Stop her now, before it gets worse!” Randy and Simon stepped in like protective older brothers and helped Paula out of the fog she was in.

Randy: “Paula, Paula, Paula, just tell us who was your favorite?”
Simon: “Oh I’ve had enough. Here we go. Jason, you’re forgettable. David Cook you’re just above average. Brooke, it was a nightmare. Archuletta you were amateurish and Syesha, you were old fashioned. You better all step it up.”
Way to bring us back to reality Simey.

Note to Paula from Erin and Kathy:
1) Take notes that you can read. We do it every week.
2) This is not hard. Erin and I manage and we have full time jobs and no servants.
3) You do not get to pre-judge the contestants. Only Erin and I get to do that.
4) Have your doctor regulate your meds.

And here’s what we thought of the performances, after actually hearing them.

Attending the "Idol" taping last night made me feel like a first-hand witness to the beginning of the end.

Not so much on "Idol" itself, which is having ratings woes but still dominates the competition and isn't going anywhere anytime soon, but on Paula Abdul, who hit a new low — even for Paula standards.

Sure, the format was changed when the kids did five performances in a row before hearing from the judges. And, yeah, it was somewhat difficult for the judges to compile their thoughts on all the songs in a compressed time period.

But when Paula started commenting on Jason's second song, before he had even sung it, well, it just sent the in-studio audience into a kind of "what just happened" moment. When the show went to a commercial break right after, Paula scurried out of her seat, head down and left the stage without saying a word.

She, obviously, knew she had screwed up big time, but the episode didn't come off as an easy and forgettable laugh or just another  "Hey, isn't that Paula wacky" scenario. This seemed far more serious; at least if felt that way at the time.

While there's little question Paula's antics can make for a ratings bump -- in the way rubberneckers like to slow down on freeway to get a look at an accident -- doesn't producer Nigel Lythgoe owe it to viewers, and especially the contestants, to use the most qualified judges as possible if the show is to have any credibility at all?

Simon, as good and honest as he is, can carry the load on his shoulders for only so long.

— Stuart Levine

I find it interesting that this week's "Previously On…" casts Parvati as a straight-up double-crosser, when last week, we saw that Cirie was also a huge proponent of betraying past alliances to vote out Ozzy.  But in gauging the aftermath, perhaps the "Survivor" editors have a point. Because while Cirie stays mostly at the sidelines this week, Amanda is actively annoyed by Parvati's girl power plan, and both she and James are pissed.

Parvati isn't oblivious to this, and first tries to save her relationship with "Survivor" boyfriend James.  But James is too busy ruminating on how Parvati can't stop eating "the apple" (of temptation?) to really take her apologies seriously. Here's a thought, Parvati: when your "Survivor" boyfriend can't stop comparing you to Eve in the Garden of Eden — your reality TV love may just be DOA.

Almost as awkward is Parvati's conversation with her (possibly former) BFF Amanda. Cirie wanders over just in time to confirm that it's her, Amanda and Parvati to the end.  But for some reason, Amanda doesn't totally trust the two women responsible for voting out her "Survivor" boyfriend.  Amanda?  Not as dumb as she looks.

We cut away from the drama to focus on important things. Like this season's blind auction. This element of the season always makes me feel deeply uncomfortable, like the producers are rubbing America's excesses in our faces. After all, Cirie spends $120 on a hot dog and french fries. Tell me what's more American than that.

Other highlights of the auction include James enjoying some fruitbat soup, and Natalie winning a large chocolate cake, which she and three others have to eat in 60 seconds. She of course chooses her alliance of Parvati, Alexis, and Cirie, and afterward Erik offers $20 to lick their fingers. Cirie takes him up on it. YOU'RE MARRIED, CIRIE. There is an entire montage of people licking chocolate off fingers.
Like I said, uncomfortable.

One interesting twist does come up during the auction — because Ozzy never played his immunity idol before being voted out, a new immunity idol has been hidden. We find this out because Natalie wins a chance to send a whining Jason off to Exile Island. "Maybe this time you'll find a real idol," Jeff observes.

After the auction, everyone talks about getting rid of Jason.  But that doesn't stop Jason from finding the hidden immunity idol easily. He thinks that this is a sign that Natalie sent him there on purpose, and that he and Natalie are in an alliance. But back at camp, Natalie calls him a "bitch" like four times while discussing how she and the other woman will target him at tribal council, with James ready as a second choice.  Erik isn't on the table, because today it's Erik's birthday and "as evil and diabolical and manipulative as women can be," Natalie says, "we want Erik to have a good birthday."  Wow.
Natalie's a real peach.

Today's immunity challenge is a mash-up of every single puzzle-assembling challenge. And before they get to it, Natalie pulls Jason aside and whispers to him that he should let anyone but James win this challenge, because James is on the chopping block. Damn, Natalie's a good liar. At least when it comes to men. Jason is putty.

The challenge comes down to Erik and James, but Erik manages to take it.  Happy birthday, Erik, here's individual immunity!

Of course, it just means an extra few days among these women, who are really enjoying their new power.  Parvati nicknames the alliance the Black Widow Brigade, because they are spinning the men around and devouring them. Yes, that's what she says. Yes, we keep cutting to inserts of giant jungle spiders when she says it. Yes, it's starting to creep me out. This show keeps providing stronger and stronger arguments in favor of misogyny.

Blissfully unaware of any of this, Jason is proving to be way too trusting.  By way too trusting, I mean he's doing stuff like leaving his bag unattended while he goes fishing, assuming that the women won't search through it to learn if he found the secret idol.

So the women search through his bag and learn that he does have it, but they're not too worried, because all they have to do is make sure he's comfy and cozy that night, so he won't play it and thus leave himself open to elimination. Natalie talks some more about how much fun she's having, discovering her true self: who turns out to be a stone-cold bitch. Her words, people. Natalie likes the word bitch a little too much.  Also she wants to floss his teeth with Jason's jugular. Does she think she's being cute right now?  She's sure grinning like she does.

At tribal council, the big tense moment is not the voting, but whether or not Jason is going to play his idol. And he doesn't! James does the cutest double-take. But James still freaks out as the votes get read off, because wow, James got more votes than I was expecting, honestly. And Parvati gets one vote!  Parsing the post-credits sequence reveals that vote came from James. A "Survivor" boyfriend scorned...  But Jason is eliminated, the big dope. It's going to be funny, when Ozzy and Jason get a chance to say their piece. Based on the way Ozzy's been glowering off to the side, I bet he's already got some choice words picked out.

Next week: James' hand is screwed up!  Families come to visit!  And Erik continues to be my favorite ever.

— Liz Shannon Miller

The camaraderie displayed last week has gone out the window. The final 6 are in Rome and after a bit more kvetching about “travel documents” Fatima announces that she’s not feeling well and goes off to bed. Not only does she get no sympathy, the girls (with the notable exception of sweet, adorable Anya) are downright rude and proceed to make fun of her. Um, hello? Wasn’t Dom sick a few weeks back? Didn’t Lauren have to be rushed to the hospital just last week with the thumb thing she couldn’t stop talking about. What a bunch of catty witches.

Reward challenge: When the Tyra mail comes (Ms. Banks as Mona Lisa, thank you very much), the girls are off on a tour of Rome and a lesson in Italian style from a hottie who works for designer Gai Mattiolo. The tour culminates in reward challenge involving a meet and greet with Gai who has them each model one of his outfits. He’s not overly impressed with five of them, particularly Dom, who he deems “not fresh.” Hee. However, he borders on stalkerish with Anya, who he calls “blond, young, fresh, tall, beautiful and blond.”

Obviously she wins the prize, a red carpet original Mattiolo gown. And it’s gorgeous. And, although she’s gracious, the green-eyed monsters rear their ugly heads as the other girls begin to bitch about Anya always winning. It’s a Karma thing, you dopes. Live with it.

Elimination challenge: Tyra mail! It’s time for the Covergirl 30-second commercial challenge. OH BOY! This is always the most entertaining challenge of the season and this one doesn’t disappoint. They have to learn their lines in Italian. Oh, thank you, producers. This is going to be good.

As my fondness for Anya has grown, I’ve been concerned about her making it through this challenge. Her obvious speech difficulties don’t bode well here. Luckily, everyone basically faceplants and she’s saved by her undeniable model looks.
Kat delivers spot-on Italian, but dull acting; Fatima vamps it up a bit too much; Dominique and Whitney are, guess what?, fake; and Anya and Lauren are disastrous, but Lauren is worse. Not only could she not say the lines but she didn’t even try. I honestly think she could have saved herself by just saying “Pizza, lasagne, fettucini and Sophia Loren!” with a little bit of enthusiasm. When in trouble, make them laugh, right?

Judges panel: At panel the judges all have a hearty giggle over the filmed train wrecks. I had to roll my eyes as they told Whitney that when she gets in front of the camera her personality turns “fake and bitchy.” News flash to the judges: Bitch is Whitney’s default. She’s not faking that.

Bottom two: Whitney and Lauren land at the bottom two. Awkward Lauren finally reaches the end of the road. Although she takes stunning photographs I don’t see a modeling career in her future. Bye Lauren, you will be missed.

Tyra's most over-the-top moment: Saying almost everything in an Italian accent.

Favorite: Anya

Can’t wait to see her go: Dom

— Kathy Lyford

I'll leave it to our "American Idol" experts Kathy and Erin to fully explain the atrocity that was the results portion of the show last night, put I had to throw my two cents in there to vent my outrage at having Carly tossed.

Sure, Carly was no Carrie Underwood-to-be -- who knows if she even has the musical chops to launch a successful post-"Idol" career -- but seeing her go before Jason was a travesty. Travesty I say!

Not to pick on Jason -- OK, I'll pick on him -- but the guy seems more interested in selling incense on Venice Beach than in being a musician. The guy is so laid back, every time I watch him perform I think he's going to fall asleep before the song is over. That is if I don't fall asleep watching him first.

Why did he survive and Carly say goodbye when it was obvious she had a much better performance Tuesday night? A minor factor might've been Carly's tattoos and her husband's faceful of tats, which might've scared off mainstream America.

The larger factor, however, is that Jason's a heartthrob of 16-year-old girls who have nothing better to do than dial in for him 800 times a night. That's the way to get into "Idol's" final rounds, by being the cute guy or girl who everyone wants to cuddle with.

No cuddling with Carly. All she could do was sing.

-- Stuart Levine

Erin: Color me shocked. The talented Carly leaves us and I’m sad, but not devastated like when Michael left. All and all, she took the news like a champ and I’m looking forward to her Apple.com release of power ballads due out in about two years.

Kathy: I can normally gauge the outrage level of America by the number of emails I get from friends and family at 10:01 p.m. on Wednesday night. (Unfortunately I sometimes don’t watch til later so some of those loved ones are ruining the show for me but, oh well.) Anyway, last night several in my circle were quite upset so I’m predicting Amercia at large isn’t going to be happy with this decision. My mom says she’s never watching again. Oh Mom, I’ve said that before. But just when you think you’re out, they pull you back in.

What a long, strange season it’s been. I haven’t had a consistent favorite at all. In every other season I have picked my contestant (or two) early on and never wavered: Season 1: Kelly and Tamyra; Season 2: Kimberley: Season 3: Fantasia; Season 4: Carrie; Season 5: Kellie and Daughtry; Season 6: Doolittle. This season they’ve all had their moment in the sun with me but I haven’t been loyal to any of them. In the early rounds I liked Kristy; later I hated her. David A. had me at “Imagine,” then lost me. Brooke was my Top 12 girl, but one too many screwups killed that. Michael was probably my most consistent fave but Jason, Carly, Amanda, Syesha and Ramiele also had ever-so-brief moments in the sun. And now I’m in David C.’s camp. So, while I totally disagreed with this week's bottom 2 (Syesha and Carly) and I’m sorry that Carly went a couple of weeks too soon, I’m not really sad.

Erin: I’m starting to notice a pattern here. One week, America gets lazy with the texts, and we lose a superstar. This sobers up the viewing audience to the realities of talent-based competition shows, thus redeeming themselves the next week by kicking off a contestant that deserves it. Check it out:

March 12: David Hernandez — Talented. Didn’t really deserve to go at this point.
March 19: Amanda Overmyer — I loved her, but she was a one-trick pony. I miss her still, but it was fair.
March 26: Chikezie Eze — Didn’t deserve to go quite yet.
April 2: Ramiele Malubay — Her reign of terror and boredom comes to an end
April 10: Michael Johns — UNFAIR! BOO! HISS! HISS!
April 16: Kristy Lee Cook — Proof of a higher power… a higher power that watches reality television.
April 23: Carly Smithson — Totally unwarranted. Especially since she rocked out.

See? So, stay strong America. If voters keep with this pattern, things should correct themselves next week.

Kathy: Following Erin’s handy dandy formula, I believe I can safely predict how the rest of the season will go. See, Mom, you don’t have to watch after all.

April 30: Jason finally makes his overdue exit
May 7: Syesha leaves a week too early, leaving Brooke and the Davids
May 14: Brooke leaves us a few weeks too late
Finale: David A. is crowned when it really should be David C.

Oh, lord, let me be wrong.

Erin: Andrew LW chatted with Ryan a bit about the contestants, where he said (and this is a direct quote): “Jason really, really sucks. He won’t listen to me and I hate his hair. I don’t understand how he got this far. I’m very confused about the boy and I need an explanation as to why he is still here.”

Ok, that’s paraphrasing. But honestly, it’s not that far from the truth.

Kathy: I rewound and watched that part twice, I enjoyed it so much.

Also, Simon’s protégé Leona Lewis has left me with that silly “Bleeding Love” song playing on a continuous loop in my head. Thanks. Does anyone else think she looks like Blu Cantrell?

Note: Did the producers have to ruin a prefectly good elimination show by having the Bushes appear?

Erin: “Idol” also wanted to remind the hopefuls that there is life after reality TV on Broadway. We get a heads up on Tamyra Gray and Clay Aiken in their post-TV careers as performers in “Rent” and “Spamalot,” respectively. This is to reassure “Idols” that not all paths lead to the TV Guide channel, reunion shows and tabloid magazines where you talk about your illicit affair with Paula Abdul.

Kathy: Don’t forget the other Great White Way careers carved out by “Idol” contestants: Fantasia and LaKisha (“Color Purple”); Diana DeGarmo (“Hairspray”); Frenchie (“Rent”). Even Constantine was on Broadway briefly.

Erin: Alas, I wish you well, dear Carly. I hope you are scheduled to go on stage after Kristy on the “Idol” tours so that I can miss her completely. But hey, I hope this tidbit cheers you up: You placed exactly the same as Kellie Pickler and she's doing fantastic right now. So, buck up little camper. We’ll climb that hill together.

Kathy: Note to future idol wannabes. Teen girls won’t text for you if you have tattoos. Or an accent.

Next week: Neil Diamond. May he be as honest and insightful as Sir Andrew was.

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

Kathy: Andrew Lloyd Webber pays a visit to the Idols this week, or rather, they pay a visit to him in Las Vegas. So this week we get songs that not only have the kids never heard but I’m guessing the majority of the audience hasn’t heard either. As I cuddled up with my Tivo to catch last night’s episode I vowed that as soon as somebody fired up “Jellicle Ball” from “Cats” I’d be done for the night. Thankfully, that didn’t happen.

Instead, I have a whole new respect for Sir Webber. He has an uncanny ability to pinpoint the most annoying characteristic of each Idol, sometimes rather bluntly. ALW also explains how important it is for him to have singers who believe the words they are singing. Boy, oh boy, is he in for bitter disappointment with this bunch.

But, I’m pleasantly surprised because I expected six train wrecks in a row. What I got instead were two contestants doing what they always do, two finally finding their footing and two absolute disasters.

Erin: In my past life, I’m pretty sure I was a horrible torch song singer who trampled the lives and careers of others to get to the top, because I’m paying for it in this life with one ballad-themed week after another on “American Idol.”

NOTE: It’s Passover at the Erin household, so the whole clan is in town, all of whom watch “American Idol” and all of whom are pretty funny… and loud. How loud? I’m the shy one in the family. So, I tried to give credit where credit was due. It was hard to distinguish which were my original thoughts and which were comments that were screamed at me between mouthfuls of matzah-based muffins.

This week, the kids pretend they know the works of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Not to say they aren’t familiar with “Phantom of the Opera” or “Cats,” but I’m sure their knowledge of “Tell Me on a Sunday” or “Aspects of Love” might be a little hazy at best. So, the real theme of this week’s “Idol” is “Superstar Phantom of Evita’s Cats.”

Kathy: Note the star power in the audience tonight: David Duchovny, Allison Janney, Joely Fisher, Ricky (I refuse to call him Rick) Schroder, a couple of women I think are Pussycat Dolls.

Syesha (TV Guide power ranking #6)
Song: “One Rock & Roll Too Many” (“Starlight Express”)
Kathy: ALW made Syesha try the song with no animation, then again with some fun injected into it, then asked her to determine which she thought was more effective. Lo and behold, Syesha discovers her personality. Who is this bubbly girl and what has she done with the robotic Syesha? Thank you Mr. Webber. I thought she rocked this song. Is it enough for her to be the next American Idol? Not by a long shot. But it should cement her a career on Broadway. I predict a Tony win for Ms. Mercado within five years. You heard it here first, folks.
Erin: Where is BreakSk8 when you need them? I realize that I’ve mentioned this before, but how can I even think of “Starlight Express” without wondering about my boys from “America’s Best Dance Crew.” They have burned their way into my soul and I will carry a part of them wherever I go on life’s journey. Thanks, Randy!
Syesha is fine, but it’s not a stand out performance in any way. She plays it vampy with a red dress, but it’s just not working for me. For vampy to work, you gotta look like your prepared to do a little harm, like steal your best friend’s man or go on a bender in Las Vegas with a bunch of bikers. Without that possibility of deviance, it just looks like Syesha is playing dress up. Which she is.

Jason (TV Guide power ranking #3)
Song: “Memories” (“Cats”)
Kathy: ALW is completely flummoxed by Jason, as I have been for weeks now. Jason just really isn’t very bright. For instance, he didn’t know the songs in “Cats” were sung by, you know, feline characters. OK then. This was just the completely wrong song for him and Andrew told him so, but he forged ahead anyway. I’m falling a little in love with Andrew Lloyd Webber, I think. I’ve seen a second rate traveling production of “Cats” (longest 2½ hours of my life, by the way) and it wasn’t this bad. Hell, the understudy in the Pougkeepsie dinner theater production would have been damn sight better.
Erin: “Aeschylus did not invent the theatre to have it end up a bunch of chorus kids in cat suits prancing around wondering which of them will go to kitty-cat heaven.” — “Six Degrees of Separation”
Yep. Couldn’t agree more.
I’m sorry but Jason’s whole performance was hysterical. It was the perfect mixture of boring, whiney and wrong. Had it not been Andrew Lloyd Webber week, I would of half expected Jason to come out sitting on an oil drum singing “Rainbow Connection.”
His perf of the song was like Mother Rose pushed him out on stage before taking him to the potty. The vocals were on par with a fifth grader in a church-sponsored talent contest, while his homage to “Magnum P.I.” outfit didn’t help him much either. This was just a horrible song choice for him.

Brooke (TV Guide power ranking #5)
Song: “You Must Love Me” (“Evita,” feature film version)
Kathy: ALW: “I don’t think the girl had a clue what she was singing about.” Amen. That pretty much sums up Brooke. And that would have been bad enough but then came the “Oh, sorry, can we start again?” moment and it went downhill from there. It was just painful, even for this show. Brooke dug her own grave with this performance and, I gotta say, my heart broke just a little for her.
Erin: In the video before the song, Andy breaks down the tune for Brooke, because apparently she doesn’t have HBO and wasn’t subjected to the thousands of showings of Madonna’s “Evita” most cable subscribers had to endure.
But whoa! Looks like Jason’s safe this week, because Brooke really, really messed up. She does the “Idol” equivalent of a faceplant. After an initial bad start, “Idol’s” answer to Carly Simon had to take another shot at the song. But even with the redo, it was just not a great performance. Paula advises Brooke to ad lib next time she forgets the words. “Yes, that’s great advice,” said my sis. “It’s not like middle America knows Andrew Lloyd Webber songs anyway. Feel free to make it your own.”

David A. (TV Guide power ranking #2)
Song: “Think of Me” (“Phantom of the Opera”)
Kathy: The genius that is Andrew Lloyd Webber essentially says to David A. what I and anyone who doesn’t subscribe to Tiger Beat have been thinking for weeks. “Open your bloody eyes when you sing!” And I feel like kissing Mr. Webber for dispensing that advice. That’s exactly what I’ve been yelling at my television every Tuesday night. Just ask my cat. Anyway, while he ain’t no Sarah Brightman, David does what he does and sings a passable version of yet another bland ballad and he’ll easily move on to the next round. And I continue to be bored.
Erin: I would have loved to have seen him sing “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina,” complete with sweeping arm movements and the white suit just to see the confusion on the faces of the David Archuletta Contingency.
So, he sings a “Phantom” ballad while playing “change the pronoun” to make the song fit his Stanley Manly ways. (If he wants to play that game, I’ll go along.) The camera pans to Andy, who looks like he’s sorry he’s ever crossed the Pond.
Anyway, David is safe for another week and will continue turning girls into woman with the power of his voice… and nothing more.

Carly (TV Guide power ranking #4)
Song: “Jesus Christ Superstar” (duh)
Kathy: ALW dings Carly for song choice and once again zeroes in on a contestant’s obvious faults. Can he just show up every week? Perhaps he could replace Paula on the judges’ panel? Would he like to be a guest recapper here on Season Pass? Anway, once Carly sorts out the song choice and dons a cute dress with sleeves, she delivers her first credible performance of the entire season. Way to save yourself Carly. You owe the prolific Brit a big debt of gratitude.
Erin: Thank you, Andy. You rule. You talked Carly out of performing another dreary ballad for “Jesus Christ Superstar,” and for that a grateful nation thanks you. This is a great performance for a few reasons:
1. The outfit is superb
2. Singing about the big JC will score you points in middle America, even if they can’t get the reference.
3. It rescues certain recappers from ballad hell.
And what made Carly really cute was the shirt she held up: “Simon Loves Me (This Week).” It was much better than her original t-shirt, which said “Ask Me About Our Special on Face Tattoos.”

David C. (TV Guide power ranking #1)
Song: “Music of the Night” (“Phantom of the Opera”)
Kathy: Is it just me or does David close the show a lot? Ryan and the producers deftly avoid the David Cook controversy of the week: His CD that was available for download on Amazon and then swiftly pulled by 19 Entertainment and Fox. So, good then, the two viewers who don’t have access to the Internet won’t be affected by that at all.
ALW tells David to let go a little and it’s great advice. Dave half listens and delivers a solid performance that will neither win nor lose him any votes. Looks like smooth sailing for Mr. Cook all the way to the finale. Perhaps he’ll master the new hairstyle by then.
Erin: As Dave takes the stage, I wonder which rock band recently released of a cover of a Webber showtune? Did Chris Cornell sing a slowed down rocker version of “Magical Mr. Mistoffelees” of late? Or maybe Incubus did a sped-up version of “A Lotta Locomotion.”
Surprisingly, David keeps to the original, albeit the Gerard Butler version, sans the painted abs and feathered helmet. It was actually pretty damn sultry. In his pre-perf chat with Andy, the music man explains that this is the sexiest song he’s ever written, and I have to admit, David does it justice. My crush is growing. As my cousin Maya pointed out, “Even Paula likes his ‘beautiful instrument.’” ‘Nuff said.

Best:
Erin: David C., Carly
Kathy: Syesha, Carly

Worst:
Erin: Brooke, Jason
Kathy: Duh. Brooke, Jason

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

Last week, I was sadly far far away from my beloved TiVo, and thus I was reduced to trying to watch “Survivor” on this thing we called the Internet! But after five minutes of typing things like “And then Ozzy gets really pixelated and his words stop matching up with his mouth,” I had to give up and wait until my return home.

Before we start, remember the last episode, when Erik made up a nonsense word and claimed it was Micronesian for “good” and everyone agreed to make that the team name? Well! A note from the reader mailbag: “Dabu is better known (to Warcraft players) as an orcish word for ‘I obey.’” Thanks Eric-with-a-C! You have confirmed that Erik-with-a-K is forever my favorite. Cuz if Erik is a WoW fanatic, then he just hit a new level of nerd-dom.

Back to camp after last week, and Jason is totally psyched that Eliza was the one who played the fake immunity idol, and not him. Because certainly it’s better to be the idiot who mistook the fake for a real immunity idol but still stays on the show, than be the person who recognized immediately that the idol was fake, and played it anyway. Actually, it is better. Funny how that works.

Everyone’s laughing over how Ozzy got Jason and Eliza, especially Ozzy, but Cirie is a little sad that Jason’s immunity idol wasn’t fake. Because if it had been real, the votes against Eliza wouldn’t have counted, and Ozzy would have gone home. Cirie would not have been sad about that.

There’s like a full 10 minutes of Jason still being high on his victory from last week, and it’s starting to get a little old. Dude, you held your breath for a few minutes. You didn’t scale Everest.

But WOW, right away we move onto a reward challenge! Right at the top of an episode! Awesome. The Survivors get into teams to complete a memory challenge — they have to arrange symbols to match with a master board on the other side of a “multi-level net tunnel.” The reward is a trip to the island of Yap, which is when I remember that there’s a whole episode of “The West Wing” where Toby and Sam get a guy off the Federal Elections Commission by making him an ambassador to the Federated States of Micronesia, which is only chosen because Aaron Sorkin likes funny words like “yap.” My education owes much to this sort of thing.

A schoolyard pick means that Cirie, as the odd lady out, gets sent to Exile Island. I am now even more worried about Cirie. She heads off and some relay race/memory game action ensues — surprisingly more dynamic than you’d think. The Jason/Ozzy/Erik/Amanda team triumphs, thanks to a clever strategy of splitting up each row so that one person only has to memorize four tiles at a time. Amanda clenches Ozzy’s arm when Jeff mentions all the culture that they are about to experience. Yap culture! Oh, Yap is a funny word.

The reward folk have a great time eating food and watching tribal dancing, especially Erik, who probably regrets his short shorts when confronted with an entire village of topless women (tastefully blurred out by the editors). Erik admits that it’s probably the most breasts he’s seen in his entire life. I hope he means in person, because if not then Internet porn is not doing its job. Erik throws himself into playing with the little kids, learning the dances, eating the food, chewing the native tobacco, and drinking the local brew. He ends up puking that night, but he’s smiling the whole time. Erik? Still my favorite ever.

My second favorite, Cirie, is having a miserable night on Exile Island, as there’s no hidden idol and plenty of rain. She comes away determined to get rid of Ozzy. I do not have high hopes for her chances.

Today’s immunity challenge is an endurance one — the Survivors’ arms are tethered to big buckets of water poised overhead, which will douse them if they move. I’m excited — these challenges are always fun, mostly because of Jeff’s taunts and torture. He starts off by offering them a big bowl of candy, and Cirie and Erik immediately give up because they have never in their lives watched an after-school special about strange men with candy. “What in the Nickelodeon is going on around here?” James observes. Well-said, James. I’ll note that the water in the buckets is tinted, which will hopefully not stain. It’s not like they have a change of clothing with them, after all.

Alexis, Natalie and James lose their concentration. Ozzy gives it up for three chocolate glazed donuts and Amanda bows out for a bathroom break, leaving Jason and Parvati. Jeff comes out with a huge plate of food, which he tells the last two standing they can share with the rest of the tribe if one of them bows out. Amanda tells Jason to do it so he can make friends, and Natalie promises that she won’t vote him out that night if he does. Jason demands that everyone make this promise — Natalie, Erik, and Parvati are the first three to do so. Alexis and Cirie do so as well, but because they are small children they cross their fingers behind their backs when they do it. And when the rest of the Survivors make this promise, Jason finally agrees. He gets a standing ovation. And snacks!

He does not get much of Ozzy’s respect, though, as Ozzy’s pretty certain it’s now time to get rid of Jason. But Cirie want to get rid of Ozzy.  We hear this song every week, don’t we? This is the first time Parvati’s sung it, and she has the immunity to back it up, but she's also apparently human enough to think that maybe this will make her an awful person, since she’s been in an alliance with Ozzy since the beginning. But we see Natalie and Alexis tell Jason that they have the numbers to vote Ozzy out, thanks to Cirie and Parvati. Since Ozzy’s immunity idol will only protect him if he plays it before the voting is announced, this could work.

And holy crap, it does. Crap. Erik and Amanda are open-mouthed with shock. Jason does a victory dance in his seat. I don’t want to talk about it. Damn it.

Ozzy’s exit interview is pretty classic, for the record: “To the person in my alliance who voted for me, I pretty much hate you right now. So. Screw you.” Oh, Ozzy. You will be missed.

Next week: Parvati has made her bed. Time to lie in it. But not with James. “Survivor” breakup time!

— Liz Shannon Miller

The Paley Center for Media is offering Season Pass readers five sets of tickets to it’s upcoming “Starter Wife” event. A screening of the show, followed by a Q&A with the show’s star Debra Messing.

If you’d like to attend, hit the comment button and tell us why. We will contact the winners.

"The Starter Wife"

Thursday, May 1, 2008; 7:00 pm

Debra Messing will discuss the creation of her character Molly Kagan in the USA’s miniseries “The Starter Wife,” which is beginning its second season later this year. Messing stars as the recently spurned wife of a Hollywood bigwig, who must, with the support of her colorful and eclectic mix of friends and family, reinvent herself in her newly single life.

— Kathy Lyford

Note: "Greek" tickets also still available. See previous post...

Kind of uneven episodes of "30 Rock" and "The Office" tonight, at least by their standards.  But let the record show that bringing Jim and Pam together hasn't ruined them at all.  Sure, most of the tension's gone, but they remain a pure treat to watch. 

– Jon Weisman

The Paley Center for Media is offering Season Pass readers five sets of tickets to its upcoming "Greek" event.

A screening will be followed by a Q&A with the cast and creatives. We can't promise that they'll have a keg.

If you’d like to attend, hit the comment button and tell us why. We will contact the winners.

“Greek”
Monday, April 28, 2008; 7:00 pm
ABC Family’s “Greek” explores the world of college fraternities and sororities at the fictitious, exclusive Cyprus-Rhodes University. The show is from creator Patrick Sean Smith.
Guests expected include stars Spencer Grammer, Jacob Zachar, Scott Michael Foster, Jake McDorman, Clark Duke, Dilshad Vadsaria, Paul James, Amber Stevens and Tiffany DuPont. Additional panelists to be announced.

— Kathy Lyford

The departure of Claire seems to have brought a new harmony to the household as we find the girls not only getting along but being supportive of one another. Will wonders never cease?

We start off with Fatima explaining her immigration issues. She is not a U.S. citizen and has lost her travel documents. And she’s just now realized that we are approaching that time in the season when the girls travel abroad for the remainder of the competition. So suddenly she’s worried. She really is kind of helpless, this girl. So she spends a good portion of the episode on the phone with attorneys and producers, trying to get the situation cleared up.

Whitney continues to ramp up the obnoxiousness and moves ever further down my list of favorites, while Kat properly uses “whom” in a sentence and immediately moves right to the top.

Meanwhile, Lauren cuts her thumb badly trying to chop an onion and is rushed to the hospital for stitches. Eww. Who’s bright idea was it to give the awkward girl a knife?

A good portion of the remainder of the episode goes something like this:

Fatima: Travel docs, blah, blah, blah. Can’t go abroad, blah, blah, blah. Why is this happening? blah, blah blah.

Whitney: Plus size, blah, blah, blah. I deserve to win because I’m different, blah, blah, blah. I have boobs and a butt, blah, blah. Ugh.

Lauren: I cut my thumb off. Ow. Ow. Ow.

After a lesson in poise and interview techniques from Paulina, the girls are summoned to a party sponsored by 7-Up, where they must work the red carpet and be interviewed by Lara Spencer, then mingle at a party of VIPs, none of whom I recognize. Also, they are given Jay Godfrey frocks to wear. The results are amusing with Whitney and Stacy-Ann turning up the fakeness, Lauren cussing during the interview and Dom forgetting the name of the designer. Spectacular! Other than the initial potty mouth, Lauren proves to be quite outgoing at the party but Anya surprises everyone with her grace and charm, winning yet another challenge where she gets to pose naked. This time she also gets a big, fat check for $10 grand. Wow.

Next, the models are told to pack up their stuff and go to the airport where they believe they will be boarding a plane to their final destination. But we all know a photo shoot must come first. Well, the audience did at least. The models seem surprised.

The task is to pose in "Sound of Music"-type travel clothes for a manipulated group shot where, once again, Whitney and Stacy-Ann make like Sears catalog models and completely over-pose and Anya shows the others how it’s done.

Fatima missed the entire shoot while at the consulate fixing her document problems. And Miss Tyra is not at all happy about it at the surprise airport judges panel, where Mr. Jay gets to be the guest judge!

Called first: Anya, who’s truly becoming the front-runner. Lord help her overcome the accent issues when they have to shoot the Covergirl ad.

Bottom two: Fatima who had no photo and Stacy-Ann, who the judges feel has hit a plateau.

And Stacy is out! How humiliating to lose to someone who didn’t even take a photo. Bye Stacy, you were a breath of fresh air.

And the girls are off to Rome…

— Kathy Lyford

Erin: Is it me, or is the sky bluer? It seems bluer today. And the birds are singing sweeter and louder than ever. Even food tastes better. I am just overwhelmed by a sense of well-being. Everything seems right in the world. I wonder why that is? Oh wait…
Last night, the powers that be heard my prayers and Kristy was booted off the show. I know Kristy has a lot of fans, so never fear. She cushioned her fall from grace with a sparkly new engagement ring and by announcing a tour, so this won’t be the last we see of her. Be sure to check your local county fairs and horse shows to catch her two-step renditions of ’60s pop classics.
So while the recession, soaring gas prices and the housing market might have us all down, as least Kristy is no longer in the running to becoming our next “Idol.” Thank you, America. I applaud your choice. I think we’re ready to have ourselves an election now.

Kathy: Not just you Erin. This is very good news, indeed. The sun is a giant lemon drop and unicorns and fairies are frolicking in the fields. And I believe I heard bluebirds and chipmunks speaking to me this morning. Or maybe it was Asia’h and Michael Johns celebrating the happy, happy news. Kristy is finally riding off into the sunset. Oh wait, she can’t “ride off,” she sold her horse? Remember?

Erin: This season, “Idol” has really perfected the art of the mind game. In the beginning, Ryan has folks stepping to the right and the left of the stage with no clear definition. You had Carly on the right side, but David C. on the left. Was he in the bottom three? But he cried? Doesn’t crying score points with chicks anymore? Has America grown dead inside? But than Ryan swapped out David C. with Syesha, and all was right in the world again.
At one point, he placed David A. in the middle and made him the star of “Idol’s” version of “Sophie’s Choice.” “Join the group you think are the top three,” taunted Ryan. As contestants have done in past seasons, David sat in the middle of the stage, unable to choose between his son or his daughter, a move that endeared him to the last five teen girls in the world who were still left undecided on the “David is so hot” political hotbutton issue that’s been dividing the country.
Syesha, Brooke and Kristy were in the bottom three. I had no issues with this. None at all.

Kathy: Amid all my celebrating, I finally pinpointed what’s wrong with “Idol” this season. It’s turned into “Queen for a Day” with all the sob stories. They hardly have time for singing anymore what with all the crying and tales of woe: missed weddings, sold ponies and whatever’s bothering David C. this week. The kids are just all so melancholy and weepy. I long for the days of unabashed goofballs like Kelly Clarkson; life-can’t-get-me-down optimists like Fantasia; or smiles that could light up the stage, like Ruben’s. Heck, even Taylor Hicks was more enjoyable to watch than this clinically depressed bunch. Who told them the way to get votes was to play “whose life sucks the most”?

Erin: My favorite moment of the night? Mariah. The perf was fine, but the best part was the interview with Ryan after the song. It seemed the only point of the one-on-one chit-chat was to highlight how magnificence of Mariah’s hair. She had some wind machine action going on where it was lightly blow back at all times. It was amazing. She’s really an inspiration. When I become rich and famous, I want to followed around with a fan so that I always look like I’m shooting a video. And I want to be professional lit at all times. I can picture it now: eating at the Ivy, or shopping at Buffalo Exchange, with my lighting guy Gary and my wind guy Burt…

Kathy: Was she wearing a skort? And, Erin, did you know she was so tall?

They used a Queen song for the Ford video?! Producers, do you just hate me? What did I ever do to you?

Well, it’s looking more and more like an all-David finale, don’t you think?

Next week, Andrew Lloyd Webber and songs the kids have never heard before.

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

Kathy: It’s Mariah Carey week and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m not a big fan of her music but as celebrity personalities go, it doesn’t get any better than this.

I’ve always kind of been fascinated with Mimi. I loved her back in the day when she was married to her svengali manager, and later, when she dated Derek Jeter and started a fashion trend by cutting the waistbands off all her jeans and even when she stuffed herself into too-tight spandex outfits. I dug her when she melted down on “TRL.” I was amused by her ill-advised attempt at acting — remember “Glitter”? Through all these travails, her career may have dipped a bit it never went in the toilet like those of other pop stars with public relations problems. (You know whom I'm talking about.) Gotta love her. Now, I’m admiring the new, slender, classier Mariah.

Lord knows, she’s got a gigantor catalog of No. 1 hits for the contestants to choose from. But she’s one of those untouchables I keep harping on (along with Whitney, Celine, Xtina and, for me, Queen). Nobody can match that bazillion-octave range, certainly none of this year’s Idols. Nobody should even try. But here they are, forced to. My instinct is that the boys will fare better, if only because they won’t sound as if they are trying, and failing, to imitate her. I’m predicting an all girl bottom 3 this week. We’ll see.
(I wrote the above before the show and, as usual, Simon said exactly what I was thinking. But producers, is it really fair to set up half the contestants to fail?)

Erin: I need to a moment of silence and reflect on the great loss of Michael Johns. Oh Michael, we hardly knew ye. Your memory will triumph on as I cringe through the high-pitched squeals and song-butchering stylings of Kristy, not to mention the rantings of Syesha telling me to believe in myself. I know that there was no way you would have won “Idol,” but I at least expected you to stick for another few weeks. If you need help getting through this ordeal of getting the boot too early in the competish, I suggest you contact Jennifer Hudson or Daughtry. I hear they are doing all right.

Anywho… back to Mariah.
Now, while Kathy embraces the antics and song stylings of Mimi, I’m not the biggest fan. But while her music might not be my cup of tea, I must admit that the lady has a tremendous set of pipes on her. She’s got a gift. A gift that's wrapped up in a package of instability and halter tops at times, but a gift no less.
I agree with Kathy that this will be a difficult situation for the Idols. Well, the girls at least. When a chick attempts  to sing a Mariah song, there will inevitably be comparisons. But for the boys, it will give them a chance to shine as they come up with creative ways to interpret the tunes.

Or both groups will bore us to death with ballads. It can go either way.

Beginning audience camera pans reveal Minnie Driver and Teri Hatcher in the audience.

David A. (TV Guide power ranking #2)
Song: “When You Believe”
Erin: Once again the kid is in his element, so he shines like a diamond. David A. lost a little face over the weeks due to his issues with Beatles songs and a deep unabiding love for obscure Canadian ballads, but the last two weeks he’s returned to the top, despite the falsetto and leather pants. This song is the exactly why teen girls love, love, love him.
Kathy: Leather pants. Oh my.
Mariah did this as a duet with Whitney so it really had that double-whammy potential for failure. But since he’s a boy, the judges all loved it. Had Syesha busted out with this song, she would have been slammed. Did he do much with the song? No. Is he safe for another week? You betcha. I really don’t get the appeal of this kid. But I’m not 12 so there you go.

Carly (TV Guide power ranking #5)
Song: “Without You”
Erin: I’m amused that Mariah called her own song a classic. Carly brought down the range to her level of singing ability, but in doing that, came off as too restrained and low key. It was very technical and lacked a lot of passion. I thought it was mediocre at best.
Kathy: Carly says it’s been boring without Michael Johns. I hear ya, sister!
And I was also amused that Mariah called this a classic, then I realized it was a cover of someone else’s song. Badfinger, as it turns out. Thank you wikipedia.
At least Carly wore sleeves this week. That might stave off elimination this time around. But the girl has got to start investing herself in the songs. To borrow Simon’s favorite insult, she really is very much a cruise ship singer. She’s fine if you’re floating down the Panama Canal enjoying some beef Wellington and chocolate mousse but she’s not the kind of singer who’s going to collect Grammys and sell out arenas. She’s just lacking that certain magic that makes you want to plunk down your hard earned cash for tickets.

Syesha (TV Guide power ranking #7)
Song: “Vanishing”
Erin: Nope. This song doesn’t ring a bell, which could be a good thing. Picking obscure songs is the way to go with the girls to avoid any comparison, but it gives even hardcore Mariah lovers nothing to grasp onto. To her credit, Syesha is  hitting all the high notes like Naomi Campbell hits the help.
Kathy: Is it just me or did these first three songs all sound exactly like one another?
Poor, poor Syesha. She just can’t win with these judges. For weeks she’s been criticized for singing songs that are too familiar thus inviting comparisons to the original. So she puts on her thinking cap, chooses a more obscure song that suits her voice and then the judges ding her for not choosing a song people know. What is she supposed to do? Well, Syesha, at least your stint on “Idol” may boost your fledgling acting career.

Brooke (TV Guide power ranking #4)
Song: “Hero”
Erin: Brooke bypasses the high notes altogether to match her Joni Mitchell/Tori Amos/Carly Simon vibe. In doing that, the tune works on a certain level, but nothing I haven’t seen at the mall when they hire the holiday singers for shoppers. Simon calls her a hamburger without the meat, and she does this cute pouty thing.
Oh Brooke, you just might have missed your sister’s wedding for nothing.
Kathy: I was really kind of hoping the resident good girl would sing "Touch My Body." Alas. Brooke tried something a little daring and it almost, sort of, worked. She missed some notes here and there, but at least she wasn’t doing a strict imitation of Mariah. I think she deserves props for attempting to put a spin on the proceedings. And she wore a great dress, I’ll give her that much. How this all devolved into an argument among the judges about fast food fare, I’ll never know.

Kristy Lee (TV Guide power ranking #6)
Song: “Forever”
Erin: A perfect song that accurately describes what it felt like to listen to Kristy sing. At this point, it’s clear that all the girls have the same gameplan and are steering clear of the hits to avoid comparisons. Thus creating one of the most boring nights on “Idol” yet. Mariah told Kristy that her version of the song gave her goosebumps. I’m pretty sure it was shingles.
Still not a fan of the chick and her country-fried song stylings. As she struggles through the ballad, it makes me miss my saucy Aussie even more. Each high note is like a dagger. A dagger that was been bedazzled and covered in sprinkles and has Kristy’s name written on the side in puffy paint.
Kathy: Another shiny outfit and another song that sounds just like the first three. And, I’m bored to death. Did Kristy sell her pizzazz along with her pony?

Erin: Man, the ladies are not faring very well at all. Now I see why Mariah chose to avoid "Idol" for so many years.
Kathy: I don’t know how they pick the order of the performances but who’s the genius who decided to lump all the girls in the middle of the show, knowing full well they’d struggle with this week’s assignment? It was like an engraved invitation for the non-recapping audience to tune out. But if you had tuned out, you would have missed the turning point of the season…

David C. (TV Guide power ranking #1)
Song: “Always Be My Baby”
Erin: I was kind of hoping he would rock out to “Fantasy,” but David C. still delivers the goods with a Nickelback-esque version of the Mariah tune. Looks like the boy is back on top after last week’s fiasco.
Hey, maybe I can rebound with David C.? I did feel a pang of jealously when that dancer felt him up at the “Idol Gives Back” perf. Naw, it’s probably best if I don’t get too attached. I like David C., but my track record at picking “Idol” winners is not the best.
Oh, but he’s tearing up. That’s so cute.
Kathy: Finally. I’ve finally seen the performance of the season. The kind that validates all the hours I spend with this show. That little jolt of humility he got last week seems to have done him a world of good. I imagine Mr. Cook really had trouble wrapping his head around the task at hand this week. Mariah isn’t exactly in his wheelhouse. But he took a ballad nobody probably ever wanted to hear again and made it something special. Bravo! At last, I believe somebody deserves to win this thing.

Jason (TV Guide power ranking #3)
Song: “I Don’t Want to Cry”
Erin: Erin: Does anyone else out there think that Jason looks exactly like Clifford from “Muppets Tonight”? Am I alone on this?
“Idol’s” posterboy for the legalization of marijuana gives the Mimi song a Caribbean feel, sans the steel drum. And honestly, it works in his favor. Like all of his male cohorts, he did well with the song because he made it different enough to not be boring.
Kathy: He does have a bit of a Clifford vibe going on.
Being a boy really didn’t help Jason at all, if you ask me. He was no better than David A. and three of the girls. There was no risk, no attempt to make us forget the original version. Nothing special at all here for me.

Best
Erin: All the boys
Kathy: David C. by a huge margin

Bottom 3
Erin: Pick three girls
Kathy: Carly, Syesha, Kristy

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

Is Jan Levinson crazy, or too crazy?

That's the hot-button issue on this year's episodes of "The Office," particularly this week. Some fans — perhaps even a majority — have been ready to throw a Dundee at their 10-inch plasma TV out of concern that the producers of the show have taken Jan (played by Melora Hardin) too far off the deep end with her manic behavior, capped by her all-points meltdown in last week's "Dinner Party" episode.

But for a couple seasons now, "Office" showrunner Greg Daniels and his staff have laid the groundwork for Jan's eggshell instability.

After all, what was our first peek into Jan's personal life, other than the fact that she is divorced?  Under the influence of alcohol, Jan impulsively swooped in to kiss fox-like-a-crazy Michael after he successfully landed an account in "The Client," a second-season episode that aired back in November 2005. Within a few months, Jan was starting to turn her life upside down for Michael, bringing an overnight bag when he invited her to an office party in the season finale, "Casino Night." The fact that he spurned her at that moment for his real-estate agent, Carol, further vexed her.

In season three, after Michael breaks up with Carol, he and Jan were reunited as a couple when she accepted his offer to go to good ol' Sandals, Jamaica. ("Officially, I did not see her," Michael says, barely able to contain his glee."But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That’s all I’m going to say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.") At the conclusion of the January 2007 episode, "Back From Vacation," in which she showed her commitment to Michael, Jan revealed that she had been seeing, well, the Michael Scott of shrinks.

"My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies, and that, for once, I should indulge them," she told Michael.

This is who we're dealing with: a woman who has the red carpet laid out over her preexisting path to self-destruction. Talking to the unseen "Office" documentarian a month later in February 2007's "Cocktails" (an episode that also offered interesting insight into Michael and Jan's sexual relationship), Jan elaborated on her mindset, in one of the great lines in the show's exceptional history.

"I am taking a calculated risk," she said. "What’s the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside, I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse into myself like a dying star."

By the end of season three, Jan's personal torment — which included a decision to get breast implants under the admittedly logical reasoning that they would keep Michael from dumping her — had seeped into her workplace. In May 2007, her boss, David Wallace, told her he was firing her, adding that "your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic."  Uprooted from the one stable part of her life, her day-to-day job, it's no surprise that Jan went further off the deep end.

This brought us to the current season, which found Jan living in Michael's condo and continuing to self-indulge, from interior decoration to candle-making ventures. For much of the season, Michael and Jan were making a go of it as a couple — their most touching moment was when Jan came to support a distraught Michael after he declared bankruptcy (by hilariously shouting in the office, "I declare bankruptcy!").  But in the final episode before the Writers Guild of America strike interrupted production, Michael sided with Dunder-Mifflin (and the truth) against Jan, torpedoing her lawsuit against the company. Their drive home was, to say the least, tense.

"You expect to get screwed by your company," Michael says. "But you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend."

While "The Deposition" episode aired five months ago, in the world of "The Office," the wounds were still fresh when Michael and Jan staged their dinner party, which showed Jan at her most unstrung — belittling Michael, his possessions and his friends. Though her lines were often sharply funny — there's no doubt that Hardin is doing great work in this part — Jan's behavior was altogether unpleasant.

And maybe that's the bugaboo.  "The Office" has always been an odd breed — a half-hour comedy that repeatedly produces cringeworthy moments. It's been this way from the get-go — it's fundamental to its charm — though even some diehard viewers are taken aback at times by how much the show can make them squirm. It used to be that Michael and Dwight were the models for bizarre behavior, but now Jan has arguably passed them by. Yet her character is so brittle at this point that she doesn't always provide the refreshing good time that makes Michael and Dwight such a pleasure to watch.

I suspect that those who are saying that Jan has been made illogically crazy either haven't been paying attention, or perhaps more likely, they simply haven't enjoyed the real Jan, her flaws exposed for all to see. People know "The Office" can be dark, but Jan's situation makes things seem too dark for some.

For my part, I think the path of her character has been brilliant — one of the show's many, many virtues.  And I think it's worth taking time to salute both Hardin and her writers for this, because based on what I've seen, I can't help but feel that Michael and Jan are headed for a breakup. I don't have any inside information on this, so I could be completely wrong, but it just seems like the logical conclusion. You can only go to the implant well so many times to keep your fella ... and Michael seems have reached his considerable limit for being put down ... and I don't know that Jan is capable of changing her behavior enough to keep him.

That's not to say, obviously, that there couldn't be any surprises left for us and Jan. However, the fact that "The Office" parted ways with Roy after spending nearly three seasons with him proves that the series isn't afraid to say farewell to critical supporting characters.  If Jan does get written out of the show, all I can say is that I sure hope she finds happiness someday. 

— Jon Weisman

This is just… wrong.

Michael Johns has been eliminated. Erin was so unglued she couldn't even muster the energy to write, except to say "There is no God."

I blame the neckwear. Also, I hadn't noticed how much Michael talked about "dreams" until I saw his exit video. But still, he should have outlasted Syesha and Kristy and probably Carly.

Damn. Erin and I will go lick our wounds and be back next week. : (

Also, Jordin Sparks performed her duet with Chris Brown and received several gold record plaques without having to endure the mind-numbing Clive Davis speech.

And the video messages from the presidential candidates finally resurfaced. Whew.

— Kathy Lyford

Right off the bat this week, Ozzy's here to break down the odd nature of "Survivor" ethics, which basically seem to consist of "dance with the one what brung ya." And Erik, whose ass was barely saved by Ami betraying Ozzy last week, is itching to add some more potential dance partners. "In a perfect world," Erik observes, "the merge would be tomorrow."

Congrats, Erik, you're on reality TV. Perfection is within reach. The next morning, tree mail announces the merge, and the tribes happily gather for the traditional merge feast. The only party pooper is Eliza, who was relying on Ami to help out her alliance and is thus a sad bear that she's gone. But food solves most problems, at least for the moment.

I want to take this moment, guys, and announce something important. I now ADORE Erik. I'm not saying that because he's young and naive, I'm not saying that because of his increasingly bizarre relationship with Ozzy, I'm not saying that because of his long flowing locks. No. I am saying that because when faced with the task of naming the newly-merged tribe, Erik tells his fellow players that "Dabu" means "good" in Micronesia, and they believe him and agree on it as the tribe name. In truth, Erik just made the word up because "I wanted to name the tribe something funny. For all I care it could have been 'momo' or 'fo' shizzle'." Seriously, no one had better screw with Erik. My vengeance will be ineffective, but swift.

Meanwhile, as they say on "Gossip Girl," OMFG DRAMA. Alexis (wait,
who?) is getting super flirty with Ozzy, who is super into it. And Ozzy's previous "Survivor" girlfriend Amanda is about to rip someone's head off. Choosing to hate the player, not the game, Amanda decides that she wants Alexis (huh?) gone. Alexis (oh, right, the girl with all that hair!) seems pretty oblivious. That's always the way it starts.

How old is Amanda? Because every time she talks about anything I feel like I'm back in high school, no thanks to the behind-the-back gossiping and freaking out over her boyfriend talking to another girl.
And after Parvati tells Amanda that she formed a second alliance with Natalie and Alexis while over on Airai, it seems like Amanda and Parvati are on the verge of Friend Divorce.

Meanwhile, Ozzy picks up another Eve Harrington in Jason, who is super-psyched about being able to learn spear-fishing from Ozzy. He's also psyched about his hidden immunity idol, promising it to fellow outcast Eliza if he wins the immunity challenge.

And thank god, it's time for said challenge. I hate these single-challenge episodes. But on the plus side, I think we may have come to the end of the smash-tiles-and-assemble-puzzle-pieces games.
This time, it's kind of bad-ass, actually -- the kids all stand in the water, beneath an iron grate, while the tide comes in. Last one to freak out about drowning wins immunity.

Okay, this challenge is conceptually cool, since in theory gender and size have little to do with it. But the women bail out early, resigned to watching the men slowly drown themselves. And Jason, that plucky young go-getter, outlasts Ozzy for the win.

Jason is savoring his victory, thinking that with possession of the hidden immunity idol, he and Eliza will control the voting and be able to get Ozzy's "cocky ass" out. Eliza is much more excited than Jason, since Parvati's gunning for her. So Jason fetches his idol for Eliza... Oh, sweet son of Probst, this is beautiful.

Eliza, using her lawyer brains, quickly assesses that Jason's idol cannot be the real idol. You can see her thought process laid out in the following exchange:

ELIZA: It's not the idol.
JASON: Yes, it is.
ELIZA: It's a bleep-ed stick!
JASON: It has a little face on it.
ELIZA: Ozzy must have drawn it on there. It can't be the idol.
JASON: Why do you say that?
ELIZA: Because it's a stick!

Does David Mamet ghost-write this show? No time to wonder, because we're off to Tribal Council!

The usual rehashing of drama takes place, with Cirie making note of the fact that Alexis (right, that girl) is a solid competitor and thus a threat. But overall it's looking bad for Team Eliza. Especially when, after the votes are cast, she turns in Jason's idol... And Jeff announces it to be a fake.

Not missing a beat, Eliza immediately outs Ozzy as the true possessor of the idol, and Jeff throws the fake one in the fire (Ozzy: "Jeff, c'mon, that took hours!"). Seems to me that Eliza might have avoided playing the fake idol and gone out with a little dignity. But she's actually pretty good-natured about the whole thing, and walks out smiling. We'll see how long that smile sticks around, though.

Next week: Ozzy does well at challenges! Everyone wants to vote him out. That's completely different from every past week, then.

— Liz Shannon Miller

All season long, Deborah had been portrayed as the one to beat on NBC's chart-busting "MILF Island." But in the unprecedented tri-elimination finale, who would have thought that the Deborah-Deborah finale would create such ...

Okay, we'll stop right there.  "MILF Island" is just a fictional show within a fictional show – not that it wasn't hard to tell the difference between its bikini-laden fake scenes on "30 Rock" tonight and NBC's real skimpy-clothed ads for "Deal or No Deal." But "MILF Island" (produced, if you noticed, by Jack Donaghy and Jerry Seinfeld) did provide an effective backdrop for the Liz Lemon's own struggle to out of harm's way on a rousing post-strike return for the Emmy-winning sitcom.

It was interesting to see series creator Tina Fey push her Liz character to what for her was a darker place - willing to put other people's jobs in jeopardy longer than usual just because she was fed up with being the fall gal. (Sort of like seeing Mary Tyler Moore really give someone the stinkeye.)  Her poker face when she forced Kenneth to take the blame for calling Jack a "Class A moron" was absolutely perfect, and the exchanges between the three carried the episode. Less effective was the subplot involving Pete getting his arm caught in a vending machine, but even those scenes didn't drag the episode down.

As for "MILF Island," as phony as it looked, how easy was it to imagine as a show that would actually air? More importantly, how much pure fun was Jack's enthusiasm for it?

Immediately after "30 Rock" came the return of "The Office," and though both shows remain the funniest on TV, the contrast between them is striking.  Never in a million years will "30 Rock" go as dark and brooding as "The Office" did in depicting the transcendent dysfunction of Michael and Jan's relationship. (Those who haven't bought into or enjoyed Jan's descent into craziness will have been frustrated tonight by that being doubled-down, but I'd argue the groundwork has long been laid.) In any case, babe, you had to love the setup that drew Jim, Pam and the others to Michael's condo for the dinner party to truly end all dinner parties. 

All in all, it's good to have our friends back.

– Jon Weisman

Your friendly neighborhood recappers managed to score a set of tickets  to "Idol Gives Back." The videos were heartbreaking and the stories of courage were inspiring. But we're here to make fun of people. Let the hijinks ensue.

We really were provided with the full spectrum of talent. And the better perfs were a stark reminder of just what's missing from "Idol" this season. Star power.

The Good
Erin: The evening kicked off with the would-be "Idols" singing Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music" to a bunch of breakdancers from "So You Think You Can Dance." While the dancers were good, I couldn't help but wonder why they couldn't utilize the talents of "America's Best Dance Crew.'' My sis pointed out that it's not like Fysh N' Chicks are doing anything right now or recently competed in a reality show where they won anything. It's not like I'm asking for them to bring out JabbaWockeeZ, but I'm pretty sure that BreakSk8 are free, unless they got  that call for "Xanadu."
Kathy: At least they didn't let the Idols, or as I like to call them "The Elaine Benes 8ight," do their own moves.

Erin: The Fergie and Heart pairing was inspired. First off, since Carly managed to sing a large portion of the Heart catalog over the past season, this left only one Heart song to cover: "Barracuda." Throw in Fergie and her one-handed somersaults that  she learned in her "Kids Inc." days, and you have gold, my friend. Pure gold.
Kathy: My first thought when Fergie came out was "Does this mean Josh Duhamel is here?!'' My second thought was "Those rubber leggings are pretty hot'' followed closely by "Her body is sick!'' I must admit, I've never been a huge fan of the Ferg but I am now. The girl's got pipes. And she could probably join Cirque du Soleil with those moves!

Kathy: The ethereal, magical, transcendent Annie Lennox, singing Jimmy Cliff's "Many Rivers to Cross.'' Perfection!

Mariah Carey closed the show. Girl looks hot! She's not only lost weight, she's toned. The gay contingent went nuts.

Sarah Silverman was funny. Jimmy Kimmel, not so much.

Carrie Underwood wore an iridescent dress that reminded Erin of a ghetto auto paint job. Sometimes gold, sometimes pink. All she needed was spinning hubcaps to complete the look. But she sure can sing.

I'm not sure where to put Miley Cyrus. I'm certain the 12-year-olds in the aud were thrilled but her magic doesn't work on me. Of course, in my generation, it was Debbie Gibson so I have no room to talk. I will say, as someone old enough to be her mother, she's a little too sexualized for a 15-year-old.

As Daughtry performed in Africa, one thought occurred to me: "How the hell did Taylor Hicks beat him in season 5?''

The Bad
Erin: Did you know that you can have videos of celebs and bands, and that counts as an appearance? According to the "Idol''  website, Kiefer Sutherland, Jennifer Connolly, Celine Dion, Chris Daughtry and Forest Whitaker were to partake in the  festivities, but all we got were videos. Using this logic, I would like to say that thanks to my DVD collection and YouTube, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Daniel-Day Lewis, Debbie Harry and the entire cast of 1981's ``Circus of the Stars'' will be attending my Seder.

While watching Bono talks about the plight in Africa, Kathy leaned over me and whispered the immortal words, "He looks  exactly like Robin Williams." And he does. And it was scary.
Kathy: I can't even look at him anymore

Erin: Using Paula and Randy to chat about America's obesity issue was probably not the greatest call on the part of the  producers. While Randy is not as large and in charge as he used to be, he's also not ready for a photo spread in "Men's  Fitness.'' Paula attempted to play basketball in her video, but it was apparent that she took her meds before she decided  to partake in physical activity.
Kathy: And didn't Paula famously suffer from bulimia? Nice couple of role models for the kids there, producers.

Erin: Robin Williams' "comedy" bit about Russian Idol was interminable. I didn't realize that it's OK now to poke fun of an entire nation of people in a dated and confusing manner. Isn't Moscow one of the most expensive cities in the world now? It seems to me that Mother Russia is doing just fine and dandy. I almost expected him to break out with the Ethiopian jokes.
Kathy: Can we create another category beyond ``bad.'' First of all, he stole Variety editor Tim Gray's joke: "Putin on the Ritz.'' That was a Weekly Variety headline about six weeks ago. The rest of his shtick
was from 1984 and wasn't funny then either. And it seemed in especially poor taste when you're trying to give the audience a taste of people in need worldwide. Ugh.

Robin Williams, Jim Carrey (via video), Rob Schneider (via video), David Spade. Were they just deliberately trying to round up everyone who irritates me? Where's Tom Green while you're at it?

By the way, is some of the money going to go toward feeding Posh?

Erin: While I'm sure that Gloria Estefan has a strong and apparently loyal fan base that have kept her in bedazzled crop coats and leggings throughout the years, her appearance rivaled that of a top performance of a family act from Disneyland's  Tomorrowland stage. To her credit, she didn't sing either "Conga'' or "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You.''

Missing in Action
The "Idol'' site also promised Amy Adams, Ashley Tisdale and Maroon 5, but we didn't even get a video. They might edit it  in before the telecast, but still...
Kathy: Hey wasn't that Ashley Tisdale in a video with Vanessa Hudgens? Or am I getting my Ashleys who've recently had nosejobs mixed up?
Erin: Oh wait, you're right. I forgot about that.

The Bloopers
Erin: Reese Witherspoon was called up to the stage to talk the charity she was supporting when a technical error ruined her initial take: "Pretend you never saw me.'' Adorable
Kathy: She's so darn cute I can hardly stand it.

Erin: Brad Pitt also had a few tech issues. As the femme tech walked out on stage to fix his mike, she shouted to the aud, ``I  just wanted to touch him.''
Kathy: Hey, they left that in!

The Ugly
Erin: While I generally accept people from all walks of life, I must say that I'm now scared for the younger generation. As a  hoard of younguns passed Kath and I dressed in bedazzled cropped jackets and matching leggings, the initial thought would  be that they would eventually take the stage in some kiddie dance routine. But I soon realized that it was a group of BFFs whose Alpha Dog leader dragged the rest of the group into her tragic fashion decisions.

Nixed from the broadcast:
John Legend, Fergie's solo perf and the vids from the three presidential candidates. At the Kodak, Obama and Clinton got about an equal amount of cheers while McCain's initial cheers were drowned out by raucous boos.

Filmed at another  time at the "Idol" studio:

A Carrie Underwood/"Desperate Housewives" skit with Teri Hatcher singing Carrie's "Before He Cheats" with the Band From TV. For this they axed John Legend?

The Idols manning the phones. Hey look, it's Amanda!

The Idols performing "A Year in the Life" from "Rent."

- Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

P.S.
We poke fun but of course we encourage everyone to give whatever you can.

Erin: The theme of tonight's "Idol" is puppies, rainbows, America, mom, dad, small children, hugs, mountain rain and unicorns. That's right folks: this week, the kids tackle inspirational songs.

Kathy: "Idol Gives Back Week" is all about shining a light on those less fortunate and donating to help people living in unimaginable poverty, suffering with AIDS or recovering from the devastating effects of a natural disaster. Leave it to this particular crop of Idols, then, to make it all about them. Tasked with singing an "inspirational song" nearly all of them chose one that said "look at me and the story of my harrowing journey to reality television. Never stop dreaming and believing in yourself people!"

I was at the taping and here are the things you folks at home didn't see.

Randy's bodyguard is smaller than he is.
The judges disappear backstage at every opportunity.
The stage, the audience and Seacrest are much smaller than they appear on television.
The singers sounds much better in person than they do on TV.
Paula was wearing the most hideous outfit imaginable and her poor boobs were so smashed they thought they were getting a mammogram.
Spotted in the crowd: Sinbad and Eric McCormack (not together).

Michael
Fashion faux pas: Another damn ascot
Song: "Dream On" (Aerosmith)
Cheese factor: 2
Kathy: He sang this pretty well but Randy and Simon were right, it did sound a bit like a rock star imitation. Still, I hope you enjoyed it because it was all downhill from here.
Erin: Michael continues to champion the ascot cause again. It's just not working for me. There are only so many jokes about Fred from "Scooby Doo" that I can make.
The Thunder from Down Under sings "Dream On," which is not a good sign. Not because he doesn't rock, which he does, but because this would usually be the song that would land in the middle of the show to break up the monotony of ballads. Since it's in the beginning, my guess is that the rest of the show will be a downhill slide into tunes about love and friendship.

Syesha
Fashion faux pas: Hair looked like Don King's with a part
Song: "I Believe" (Fantasia)
Cheese factor: 8
Kathy: Um, never sing a former Idol's signature song, particularly the victory ballad from a former Idol with as distinctive a sound as Fantasia.  Sy, honey, please choose something by a less well known artist and sing the bejesus out of it. It's your only hope.

Erin: It's never a good sign when my gag reflex kicks in during the description of the song. I have never heard this song, but even before Syesha begins to sing, I take a blind guess that the word "rainbow" will appear within the first verse. I need to play the Lotto more often. I agree with Kathy. She's not Fantasia, so she falls flat.

Jason
Fashion faux pas: The Mister Rogers cardigan. Also I heard a gaggle of tweens talking about how hot he would be with "normal hair."
Song: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" (Israel Kamakawiwo'ole version, with ukulele)
Cheese factor: 5
Kathy: Those who had not ever heard Iz's version, like Simon,  might have enjoyed this performance. Those who were quite familiar with it, like me, would have found it an emotionless, pale imitation.
Erin: Jason apparently caught "The Wizard of Oz" on TV last night while coming home from a munchie run. I think it's  actually an inspired choice for him and he gets to show off his mad ukulele skills. But since I'm so used to seeing him with a guitar, the longshots look a little strange - like he's a giant from the land of kindbud.

Kristy
Fashion faux pas: Another shiny top
Song: "Anyway" (Martina McBride)
Cheese factor: 9
Kathy: My country music-loving companion, upon hearing what Kristy was going to sing, said "Oh no, never sing Martina!" Apparently Martina is country's version of Whitney. I am boycotting Kristy so I have no opinion.
Erin: I loved how all of the judges where giving her these strange backhanded compliments. Randy said, "It was very good...for you." And Simon told her she was "appealing to your audience." This is "Idol" speak for: "You continue to suck, but now you are elevating the suckiness to an artform that many people with no taste can enjoy."

Hey look, our pal Mike Darnell, Fox's reality guru, made it on TV! I was sitting right behind his parents so I'm glad I only had nice things to say.

David C.
Fashion faux pas: White Sgt. Pepper jacket. Also hair was somewhere between combover and rocker spiky.
Song: "Innocent" (Our Lady Peace) with guitar
Cheese factor: 4
Kathy: Probably front-runner David's weakest performance to date. Simon called it "pompous." Paula noted "the inspirational thing you did on your hand," which sounds mildly dirty to me.
Erin: The first note he hits reminds me of Crash Test Dummies. This is not a good thing. His perf was just...not good. He was all over the place with the notes and it just seemed out of sorts. Even a walk
through the audience couldn't save him. This might mean the end of David Cook, which breaks my heart. If he leaves, we are officially out of rockers.

Carly
Fashion faux pas: Still no sleeves
Song: "Show Must Go On" (Queen)
Cheese factor: Began a 6, but anger turned it into a 2
Kathy: I did not give you permission to sing Freddie Mercury, missy. I am officially done with you. This lousy performance will probably be Carly's undoing
Erin: I think Carly is trying to melt the cameraman with her steely gaze. She is just so angry. Living in L.A. can do that to you. At one point, I'm starting to take it personally. It's like she's channeling
Wolf from "American Gladiators." The song just wasn't a good fit. It wasn't engaging. Just scary.

David A.
Fashion faux pas: monochromatic outfit needed a pop of color.
Song: "Angels" (Robbie Williams) with piano
Cheese factor: 34
Kathy: Young David and his dad once again wheeled their virtual shopping cart down the "obscure treacly ballad" aisle of the iTunes store. He sang it well, but really, who cares? Aside from the screeching pre-pubescent girls in the audience of course.
Erin: I'm convinced he picked the theme of tonight's show. This is a kid with 80 gigs of inspirational music on his iPod. There is a good chance that even when the cameras are off, he's just wandering the streets of
the city randomly singing about angels.

Brooke
Fashion faux pas: Shapeless dress
Song: "You've Got A Friend" (Carole King)
Cheese factor: 8
Kathy: Very nice rendition of a very nice song by a very nice contestant. Poor Brooke is fading fast.
Erin: Did you know that when you smile, you can repress your gag reflex? It's totally true. But then it looks like you are enjoying the performance. I scared my roommate.
Brooke sang this tune like she wondered onto the set of "High School Musical," only she's one of the unpopular kids that are forced to the back of the gym. This song epitomizes all that bad with inspirational
music. But then she did the devil sign to the audience, but was just confusing. Actually, maybe it's not. Maybe all these years I just missed the obvious. Maybe inspirational music is the devil's music. God, it all
make sense now.

Best:
Kathy: Michael
Erin: Michael

Bottom 3:
Kathy: Carly, Syesha, Brooke
Erin: David C., Krissy, Syesha,

- Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

It's been two weeks, "Survivor" fans, and so I actually feel compelled to watch the Previously Ons. Adorably, the Previously Ons choose to characterize the Ozzy/Erik dynamic as father/son. Which is... cute. Incest-y. But cute.

After Tracy gets voted out, Erik is freaking about his chances of making it any further. This is probably because his BFF Ozzy "doesn't think of [him]self as a leader."  Ozzy says he's just a guy with a lot of survival know-how. Ozzy, in this crowd that MAKES you a leader. But it also makes you a target. His therapy session with Ami, who tells him that NO, of COURSE she was never going to vote him off, doesn't do a lot to ease his pain.

Over on the Airai side, things are sad enough that they're eating a rat Jason caught. But not so sad that Parvati can't talking-head about how pathetic Jason is for trying to keep them fed. Parvati, it appears, is in a Mood, and gets schemey. Since the general consensus is that Ozzy and James will not be long for this world after the merge, she decides to plan on an all-lady final four of her, Natalie, Alexis (Alexis? I don't even know who Alexis is), and Amanda -- which Natalie thinks will be "hot."  Oh, Natalie. Just because you're on reality TV like Paris Hilton doesn't mean you should talk like Paris Hilton.

I like that Parvati counts on Amanda (who's over on Malakal right now) still being her BFF after the merge. It's like when you and your best friend swear that you'll be friends forever on the last day of 6th grade, and then you both go off to summer camp and you discover how much you like computers and she discovers how much she likes being popular. And then she blanks you on the first day of junior high and you spend the rest of the year eating your lunch in the library. Not that that happened to me.

Anyway, this is usually the part of the recap where I bitch about how we've been talk-talk-talking for 20 minutes without a reward challenge. Turns out, though, that this week there's a reason! The kids on Airai go check out the tree mail, and discover a most curious note, instructing them to pick a member of the Malakal tribe to go off to Exile Island right before the day's immunity challenge. Whomever they pick will be returned to their tribe just in time for that night's tribal council... at which they will have immunity. Malakal gets the same note. This blows their minds, especially since they didn't even think they were going to have an immunity challenge that day. I suppose when you're on an island with no TV, the littlest surprise will shake you to your core.

We come together before Jeff, where it's revealed that Airai picked Ozzy and Malakal picked Alexis (who?), based on clues that the challenge was going to be about balance. And it is! Well, it's an obstacle course across balance beams -- first team to bring five flags back from the end of the course wins. The teams are playing for immunity and pizza and beer. It is the fight of their lives.

This is exactly the sort of crazy "American Gladiators"-esque challenge I enjoy watching, but it would be a lot more fun to watch if the previews for this episode hadn't constantly shown Erik chest-slamming into a platform. Fortunately, while the boy is hurt, it's not a mortal wound. Except, of course, in the world of the game. Airai wins, what, their fifth immunity challenge in a row? (For underdogs with a crappy camp, they have an impressive winning streak.)  And as Ami puts it, there's no way out for Erik tonight.

Normally I don't put a lot of effort into telling y'all about the teams enjoying their reward, but damn, Airai's pizza looks good. Also -- James can open beer bottles with his TEETH. Now that is a good skill for a man to have. Especially a man with quality dental insurance.

On Exile Island, Ozzy leads Alexis (huh?) on a search for the immunity idol -- mainly to find out if someone has taken his fake. He is full of glee when he discovers that it is gone.

Back in Malakal, Erik is telling the cutest stories about Ami's past and present scheming. Everyone knows that he's just talking smack to try and save his ass, but for Cirie and Amanda, Erik's tales do have the ring of truth. Sensing the danger, Ami initiates some girl bonding that leaves her feeling more secure with the tribe, and thanks Erik for inspiring her to do that. She thanks him while also casually pointing a machete in his direction.  Ami's a little scary when she has a really big knife and a really big smile on her face.

Fortunately for Erik, Papa Bear comes home from Exile Island just at the right time, and Erik does a really nice job of trying to sway Ozzy over to the vote-Ami-out place, mainly by saying that Ami wanted to vote Ozzy out a few weeks. Ozzy and Amanda have their first real couple's squabble when they can't agree on whom they trust less: Erik or Ami. They're not the first couple to fight over each other's friends, I suppose. Never underestimate the power of girl talk, or male bonding. But before Ozzy and Amanda can get to the make-up sex -- tribal council!

I thought the challenge would be the hardest thing to watch today, but that turns out not to be true. The hardest thing to watch is Ami break down in tears because she just wants to be a part of the tribe. It actually seems like it could be either Erik or Ami who goes... And it's Ami, thanks to Ozzy and Amanda's votes. I guess we know who wears the board shorts in that relationship. Bye Ami. I did enjoy your blue dress.

Next week: Time to merge! Hugs for everyone! Parvati is jealous of Alexis! (Who?) And Jason's dumbassery is revealed! Good wholesome fun for all.

- Liz Shannon Miller

The remaining eight contestants on this cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” could just as easily have participated in the “Ultimate Fighting Championships” what with all the ridiculous rivalries and temper tantrums.

So I’ve decided to switch allegiances from the girls who take the prettiest pictures to the ones who rise above the fray and don’t stoop to fighting about alarm clocks, phones and cereal. Katarzyna and Stacy-Ann, you’ve just moved to the top of my favorites list. Anya gets an honorable mention.

We open the episode with another Dominique “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” speech where she continues to spout off about how nobody likes her because she is so intimidating and powerful and they know they can’t measure up. News flash, darling, they hate you because you’re a bitch. At least that's what the editing implies.

Catfight of the week: Lauren and Fatima get into it over a cup of coffee. Really girls? Lauren goes slightly psychotic in her rage fest but Fatima is just as scary with her manipulative, evil ways. It’s really growing tiresome.

Can we get to some form of competition? Please?

Reward challenge: The girls are sent, in groups of four, to go-sees. It’s early for that. Usually we don’t get to the go-sees until the top 6 go to their designated final country. Also, it’s much harder for them to get lost as a group so that did away with the entertaining part of it, where some poor girl wanders the streets of a foreign land hopelessly lost.

What we get instead is Whitney & Dominique and Lauren & Fatima playing one-upmanship throughout the whole challenge. Fun!

Also, Whitney needs to decide whether she wants to embrace her full figure or use it as a crutch because she doesn’t get to do both. She gets all bent when Pamella deVos tells her she’s lovely but they only want size 2s. Well, guess what, Fatima also got nixed by the same designer for being too small (for a size 2!). That’s life. Get over it and stop whining already.

And swimsuit/lingerie designer Shoshanna (who, by the by, used to date Jerry Seinfeld), likes models of all sizes. So, see Whitney, it all balances out in the end.

Ultimately the team of Claire, Stacy-Ann, Dominique and Whitney win with Stacy-Ann booking the most jobs. Looks like my new favorite may do all right by me. The team gets to do a photo spread for Seventeen magazine.

Photo Shoot: Off to a theater where the Off Broadway performance show “Fuerza Bruta” takes place. The girls have to writhe around on a giant water-filled mylar platform not dissimilar to a Slip-n-Slide. They get no hair product or makeup and the photog shoots them from underneath through the plastic.

This contraption might make for a fun evening at the theater but the resulting photos are not attractive and I think most of the girls lucked into good shots. Those hitting the most lucky shots were Whitney, Fatima and Anya.

Also Claire can’t follow directions and practically breaks her neck, much to the delight of Dom. SHUT UP DOMINIQUE.

Judges panel: Tyra does bad British and Eastern European accents, Nigel makes it pretty clear he’s not a Fatima fan and Dominique gets dinged for her obscene tights and “Something About Mary” hairdo. Hee.

Tyra's most over-the-top moment: See above

First called: Fatima (damn)

Bottom two: Claire (not versatile enough) and Lauren (continued awkwardness).

And it’s bye-bye Claire, who rides off into the sunset still making excuses and feeling guilty for leaving her infant child at home. Claire, I thought you had potential. You disappointed me.

New favorites: Stacy-Ann and Katarzyna

Can’t wait to see her go: Dominque

— Kathy Lyford

Hey folks, Erin here. Poor Kathy. I think we lost her. "Top Model," "Top Chef," "American Idol". . .all on Wednesday night. Throw in her normal work load, and we have one tired recapper. So, I'll take the lead on this one before Kathy loses the ability to distinguish between real life and reality life.

Anywho…

On this week's results show, we get the lovely Dolly singing her little heart out, a group rendition of "9 to 5" (I knew there was a reason no one sang it last night), some band from another reality universe singing a Sunday School ditty, more inane questions from viewers at home and other stuff that I have now repressed. (I seem to be doing a lot of repressing these days. My therapist is already less than thrilled with the fact that the only tidbits I can share with him are about "Idol" or "Rock of Love.")

So, let's get down to the elimination:

I am now convinced that Kristy is the Roadrunner of reality TV. Every week, we (and by "we," I mean "I") expect her to get voted off, or at the very least, an anvil to drop on her from off a nearby cliff, but she seems to avoid each trap with unexpected skill and dexterity.

So this week, Ramiele was sacrificed to the "Idol" gods in place of Kristy, which wasn't much of surprise, but just not in the order I was hoping for.

It's at this point in the show that I realize how much I underestimate Ryan. As Kathy said a few weeks ago, he does a great job of talking exiting contestants off the ledge when they are on the brink of hysteria.
Poor Ramiele looked like she wasn't going to hold it together for much longer, yet Ryan managed to get her to sing, think about the positive experiences of the show, and prove to her that life on "Idol" would be different without her. According to Ryan, without Ramiele, Mr. Potter would have closed the bank years ago, leaving "American Idol" contestants to lives of sorrow and pity. Carly would end up an old maid, David C. would have become a homeless drunkard due to a mistake at the pharmacy…

Is the "It's a Wonderful Life" thing doing anything for you? I'll stop now.

Tune in next week as Kristy narrowly escapes a large box propped up with stick tied to a string.

— Erin Maxwell

NBC’s shared deal with DirecTV on "FNL” may look like a busted play — at least for fans who don’t already subscribe to the sat service and aren’t likely to switch just to see the show in October instead of February.

But the arrangement instantly puts the Dillon Panthers into a shiny new stadium at DirecTV, one with plenty of cheerleaders and visible support.

On Wednesday, as NBC was unwrapping its sked for the media, DirecTV was already talking up "FNL" as a star in its arena. A promo box on DirecTV.com touts the exclusive run and links to a splash page trumpeting the Emmy-winning show's third season. Talk about an instant homefield advantage. The series never seemed to get much love on NBC.com.

The show is likely to be a showcase player for DirecTV's entertainment channel, The 101. The satco could easily pepper its Sunday Ticket package of NFL games with "FNL" promos. And, free of broadcast TV constraints, producer Jason Katims and his writers could even experiment with more frank language and added scenes that could be cut from the NBC run -- a further bit of exclusivity that could help draw more male fans.

By contrast, the Peacock’s efforts on behalf of the show sometimes felt like those of a weary parent trying to muster enthusiasm for their brainiac kid’s science project while his more popular siblings vie for homecoming queen and student president.

Apart from a savvy love-it-or-it's-free promo for the first-season DVD set, NBC rarely seemed to exhibit a vision for how to broaden “FNL’s” appeal. From timeslot shifts to endless pop-up bugs touting every reality show or quizzer on the Peacock’s sked during “FNL’s” emotional moments, it’s felt like NBC just doesn’t understand the show or its audience.

But with some savvy nurturing from DirecTV, “Friday Night Lights" could easily move from second string to star player.

— Brian Cochrane

By far the most thrilling thing to come out of the big NBC scheduling announcement Wednesday was the news that our beloved “Friday Night Lights” will return with 13 new episodes next season. Wow. Clear eyes, full hearts, we really did win! NBC has engineered a unique deal with DirecTV wherein the sat provider will air the episodes first in the fall, with NBC airing them beginning in February. More to come on this later on Season Pass.

The other news was not so exciting. “ER” is back for another year, limping to its long overdue conclusion at the end of next season. Listen, I’m the biggest “ER” fan out there; I’ve never missed an episode. But this show is really a shell of its former greatness and should have been put out to pasture at least a year ago. I will still be there for every episode but it will continue to be a chore and no longer a joy, as it was for about 12 seasons. What? I’m going to stop now after 14 years?

“The Office” spinoff was met with mixed reaction here at Season Pass. It could be great, it could feel like a ripoff. And, God forbid, it could dilute the mojo of the original. It remains to be seen. More on "The Office" at Cynthia Littleton's On The Air blog.

As for the new offerings… you tell us. I will, of course give each of these shows a fair shot by viewing the pilot before forming an opinion. But at first glance, there’s nothing on the list that follows that engenders the least bit of anticipation for me. I don't see a lot of new Season Passes for my Tivo coming out of this bunch.

Opinions?

— Kathy Lyford

Erin: It’s Dolly!

You have to understand, I adore Dolly Parton. For the many people that know me, I understand that this seems strange contradiction to my usual musical preferences, but I adore this five-foot miracle of modern science. I love that she defies physics, I love that she has a theme park, I love that she embraces the fact that not a single part of her appearance was developed outside of a doctor’s office or a wig shop, and I love her down-home attitude. She’s the polar opposite of my other idol, Siouxsie.

See, I have layers. Anywho...

The kids on “Idol” look to the honky-tonk muse for this week’s theme, which has me worried. Outside of Whitney Houston covers, “9 to 5,” “Islands in the Stream” and snippets of Stallone duets from early morning HBO showings of “Rhinestone,” I think the contestants would be hard pressed to name a Dolly song offhand. Regardless, Her Bustiness has an almost magical effect on the group, giving life to many of the dead-in-the-water hopefuls like an angel in a Lifetime holiday movie. Sure, this doesn’t stop many of them from sucking, but she inspires them to suck in a whole new way.

Kathy: I am not quite the fan that Erin is but, really, what’s not to like? Plus, the woman has written 3,000 songs. That’s a lot of songs people! And who knew it would take Dolly Parton to salvage this so-far dismal Top 12 portion of the season? After the utter crap we’ve sat through the past three weeks, this was a veritable highlight reel. Most of the kids raised their game. I said most. And we had the first truly memorable perf of the season. Except for Simon’s annual country music hatefest, it was a very enjoyable hour.

Brooke (TV Guide power ranking #4)
Song: "Jolene" (with guitar)
Erin: Now, I’ve riding the anti-Brooke bandwagon ever since the “Love is a Battlefield” Massacre of ’08, but I think she did a great job here. Really. But for some reason, the judges don’t agree with me. This sets the tone for the  rest of the night, in which Randy and Simon pretend not to be dead inside while Paula pretends not to be hammered.
Kathy: I have always loved Brooke and I think she sang this song really well. She did seem to rush it a bit, but it can’t be easy to cut songs down to 90 seconds. It’s not as if they couldn’t give them more time to sing. Maybe cut out one iTunes plug per show? Or one shot of a former “Idol” contestant who refuses to move on? Also, she probably smiled a bit too much for a song about aching jealousy and loss.
Paula “Run-On Sentence” Abdul: “Brooke what’s great about you is that you’re consistent, you are what you are, you put your heart and soul into and you have an emotional connection with each song that you pick I think that’s what record companies and executives want you are Brooke White excellent and wonderful and beautiful.”

Hey, look it’s Vanna White!

David C. (TV Guide power ranking #1)
Song: “Little Sparrow” (with guitar)
Erin: Unable to find an emo version of a Dolly song on either MySpace or Limewire, David must develop his own take on the diva swansong. He sounded a little a reformed Christian alt rock band that hides their secret love of Jesus behind a guitar riff. (Yes, I’m looking at you, Puddle of Mud.) But it’s good. And let’s all applaud his new haircut. The combover is dead. Long live the chunky rocker bangs.
I heard that after the show, he was taken to the hospital, which makes the perf all the more awesome. Way to sing through  the pain, kid.
Kathy: Hospital? Poor David!
I’ve been hard on David the past few weeks, mostly because I felt he was turning into a one-note performer. With a gigantic ego. But I gotta admit it, he was great tonight. And his haircut is a huge improvement. I’ll even forgive him for working an iTunes plug into his pre-perf interview. Also, it’s becoming obvious that, in addition to his hatred of country music, Simon has something against birds.
PROSA: "I like your haircut, I can see your, I like it, YAW HAW…let me tell you something I’ve never heard a guy do that song, it’s so, uh, it was fantastic it’s fantastic hearing you do the and going into your false and with strength and it shows how well rounded you are as an art."

Ramiele (TV Guide power ranking #8)
Song: “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?”
Erin: Behold the amazing effects of the great Dolly. Ramiele didn’t drift down the stairs in a dazed stupor, she didn’t lull us into a coma with a dreary ballad, and she isn’t wearing high-waisted pants. On the other hand, she wasn’t good either, but as least she mixed things up. It was a solid mediocre performance.
Kathy: When is somebody going to help this girl pick out her clothes? Everything she wears makes her look like an Oompa Loompa. Her performance was fine though.
PROSA: I’m proud of you, I’m very proud of you because I was a little worried that you that this you weren’t going to connect but I think that you really had a great minute and 30 seconds and you really connected with the audience and you had fun!

Erin: During the commercial break, Dolly reunites orphans with their families, shows Constantine the true meaning of word  “friendship” and sends out a message of hope and love around the world through the use of silver lame clothing.
Kathy: Constantine is like that pesky houseguest that just won’t go away. I’m pretty sure the producers must just look at one another every week and say “OK, fess up, who got him tickets this week?” When’s he going to move on and stop riding the “Idol” train? Also, I haven’t forgiven him for calling Erin a vampire.

Jason (TV Guide power ranking #6)
Song: “Travelin’ Thru” (with guitar)
Erin: I’m not the biggest Jason fan, but you know who is? That bongo player. The guy has been waiting in the sidelines of “Idol” for seven seasons, and now he is finally getting a good workout this year thanks to the adorable Dead Head. This performance confirms my theory that “Idol” producers will be using Blues Traveler in the finale for the celeb/contestant pair off.
Kathy, why does Jason insist on treating “Idol” like a cameo in a Cheech and Chong movie? I swear, in the next episode he is not even going to hide it. He’s just going to wander onto the stage eating a Moonpie and talking about how “The Dark Crystal” is better than “Akira.”
Kathy: And smoking a doobie. I love that Dolly called him “funky lookin’.” All I have to say is that Simon better watch out because I think Jason’s crazy, postcard-obsessed stalker might hunt him down.
PROSA: "To me this was one of your strongest performances you let you seemed so comfortable…you let go your voice sounded so strong and rich and you were confident it was great and I loved it."

Carly (TV Guide power ranking #5)
Song: Surprisingly not “I Will Always Love You,” which means Syesha will do it. Instead, it’s “Here You Come Again”
Erin: She was great, although Simon has no love for her, or the wardrobe people. I’m really not in tune with the judges this week. They seem really harsh.
Paula picked a fight with Randy about last week’s perfs, presumably because she had a moment of clarity and needed to get it out of her system before she forgot again.
Kathy: I thought she sang this song extremely well, but a robot brings more depth and emotion to songs than she does. Is it just me? Also, Simon flat out lies and says he loves country music.
PROSA: "Carly that was glorious, you are such an amazing talent you are beautiful… that voice of yours ohmygod and you look great."

iTunes plug!!!!

David A. (TV Guide power ranking #2)
Song: “Smoky Mountain Memories”
Erin: All over the world, teenage girls are hugging “Tiger Beats” to their chest and planning make-believe weddings as David A. gets back on track as this year’s “Idol” front-runner. Yep folks, the kid is back.
Kathy: You know, he hit every note, but I didn’t like it. He’s just a weird kid. He’s like a little old man in a child’s body. I now believe the reports that his father is picking his songs for him. Or maybe his great-grandfather is.
PROSA: "An amazing tone in your voice, you’re strong, you have a beautiful aura about you, you’re just glorious."

Oh my God!! Michael Kors is in the audience!!!!!

Kristy Lee (TV Guide power ranking #7)
Song: “The Coat of Many Colors”
Erin: Yep. Here comes Kristy to ruin another perfectly good hour of “Idol” for me. And since it’s Dolly and country Western music, I had a sinking feeling that she was going to do well. As she took the stage, her eyes seemed to say to me: “You’re in my house now, bitch.” But luckily, her song performance had another message: “Huh?” She was boring and forgettable and I want her to go away.
Kathy: I too, thought “Oh God, this is really going to be Kristy’s week, damn it!” Thankfully, she sucked. If she doesn’t go this week I am boycotting her the rest of the season.
PROSA: "You look stunning tonight you really do and you look like a beautiful…you just gave a beautiful performance I think this is your best performance I do."

Syesha (TV Guide power ranking #9)
Song: See? Told you.
Erin: Gag. Syesha talks about the emotional connection she has with the song, which I find a little hard to swallow. Syesha ends the perf by nailing the big note, which is slightly impressive until you remember that at least three contestants in the Miss America Pageant master this feat each year. She fails to impress the trio.
A note to future Idols: Never, ever sing Whitney unless it’s a post-Bobby song. You will ultimately fail.
Also, Syesha looks as if she’s wearing a disc on her head.
Kathy: The second I heard Dolly was coming I thought “Well, Syesha will sing ‘I Will Always Love You’ despite my best efforts to steer her away from Whitney.” I actually thought she did a really great job on this, although that coy little smile didn’t really help her convey the meaning of the song. And, ultimately, it doesn’t matter. No matter how well you sing Whitney, you are standing in the master’s massive shadow and you cannot win. Why won’t Syesha listen to me?
PROSA: “Syesha you look beautiful that color is gorgous on you and let’s talk about your voice, your voice has when you are in that it’s like a velvety tune to your voice that you’re like that’s it for you… I just think you’re growing and growing and gowing and you’re connecting with the audience so much more and I love it I love it.”

Michael (TV Guide power ranking #3)
Song: “It’s All Wrong, But It’s All Right”
Erin: Really? An ascot? In this day and age? I thought those things died out with the Scooby Gang, Thurston Howell III and  the members of “the Hair Bear Bunch.” Mike does a bluesy cool version of the Dolly ballad. Still a favorite in my book.
Kathy: I’ll tell you what’s all wrong: The dirty thoughts I have about Michael every time he’s on stage. I’m sorry, Erin, I know he’s your man but I can’t help it. I give you permission to sing “Jolene” to me. Also, for me, this was the closest thing to a memorable performance we’ve seen all season. Good job Michael!
PROSA: “I just want to say one thing it’s interesting tonight all some of you don’t know the songs… I’m going to talk real fast… but because they’re great melodies and great hooks Dolly Parton’s amazing you’re a star a rock star”… and my Tivo mercifully cut it off there.

Best
Erin: David C., Michael
Kathy: David C., Michael, Syesha

Bottom 3:
Erin: Ramiele, Kristy, Syesha
Kathy: Kristy, Ramiele, Jason

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford