I’m just coming out of the “American Idol” mindset, so while watching “So You Think You Can Dance,” I made a quick list of major differences of the two shows...

“American Idol” vs. “So You Think You Can Dance”

THE AUDITIONING PROCESS
In “Idol,” auditioning folks get a once in a lifetime chance to either prove their mettle or humiliate themselves and their families with their “talent.” But on “Dance,” contestants don’t get just one, but two opportunities to humiliate/prove themselves with a choreographed round at the end.

THE JUDGES
The mean Brits, possibly intoxicated pop stars and former Journey bass players have been replaced with polite nice people. And while they might have volume control issues, these folks do their best to encourage people through creative criticism. And though they laugh, they do so in kindness and offer comments only meant to help contestants rather than mock them.
This is strange.
And what’s even more disturbing is that the judges seem to get along. They have respect for one another’s opinions and are open to one another’s criticism. Where are the biting quips and rehab jokes?
I don’t know about this. The possibility of a knife fight at the judges’ table added an air of excitement to the “Idol.” If the “Dance” judges fight, all that means is that they won’t carpool to work that next day.

THE CONTESTANTS
Not a lot of fights or insults here. Actually, they all seem pretty even keeled and aware of their limitations. On “Idol,” many of the folks seem to be in complete denial and face the judges with a combative attitude. But on “Dance,” they are actually the first to admit that this may not be that great. It’s just so odd. They take the judges’ comments in stride and move on with their lives. Except for Sex. Go Sex. Keep swimming that river of denial. Here’s to hoping you decide to switch professions and try out for “Top Chef” next. I would totally buy the Sex DVD set of all of his reality show appearances.

IN SHORT…
“Idol” is to “Dance” what “The Office” is to “30 Rock.” Both are enjoyable shows, but “Idol” goes for the extremes, thus giving us cringe-inducing moments filled with pure shock value. “Dance” is just filled with pleasant people doing their best to entertain you.

It will take some getting used to.

— Erin Maxwell

With last night's coronation of David Cook fresh in my mind, here are a couple of observations about what "American Idol" did right and wrong this past season, and where it needs to tweak this and that to remain relevant in seasons ahead.

-- Enough with the movie tie-ins. Jim Carrey sitting in the crowd for "Horton Hears a Who" was embarrassing enough, but watching Mike Meyers shell for "The Love Guru" last night was just plain awful. Sure, if you want to sell a 60-second ad for the movie, go ahead, but why incorporate the awful shtick into the show. And then to make poor David Cook and David Archuleta sit through the movie and feign amusement when they've got more than enough to worry about, that's just not right.

-- There needs to be more balance of the weekly musical tutor, in terms of the contestants having actually heard of him or her. For instance, I'm not afraid to admit I like Neil Diamond, but I'm 44. A 17-year-old wouldn't know Neil Diamond if the two ran into each other on Wilshire Boulevard in front of Sinai Temple. And the same for Andrew Lloyd Webber. Sure, the occasional Dolly Parton is fine, but there needs to be more contemporary artists with whom the contestants will relate.

-- We really don't need the the blonde sorority girls in the mosh pit. If producers want high-pitched screaming that badly, pipe it in. And what college-age woman is passionately in love with a high-school boy i.e. Archuleta? As far as the hand-waving goes, once in a while is OK, but when it's done for every song it looks like their arms are stuck in the air.

-- What are Paula and Randy adding to the equation any more? Sure, I understand people want to see Paula the way they slow down to see the accident on the side of the road, but musically speaking, she doesn't add anything constructive and the Jason Castro episode was a last straw. Yeah, it was an honest mistake and nobody's fallible, but c'mon, if you can't handle the rigors and last-second changes of live televsion, then it might be time to move on. Or, more accurately, it's time for Fox to move her on.

-- As for Randy? Well, he's a likeable guy, for sure, but the dawg stuff is getting really old and by raising his voice and say that Cook is ON FIRE TONIGHT and THE ONE TO BEAT only gives people a headache. Clearly, his comments aren't on Paula's level but he needs to pick up his game.

-- Give Ryan more to do. Seacrest is woefully underappreciated in trying to bring this circus to order on a weekly basis. It's not as easy as it may appear. Maybe he and one contestant can have a pre-taped interview each week so we know a bit more about each Idol wannabe. Something that could be edited, so the kids aren't asked to give insightful answers after having just finished a song, when they're out of breath and still in a state of performance anxiety.

-- Don't run the kids ragged. As it is, they have to learn one or two songs each week, go clothes shopping, do press, try to keep in contact with friends and family, and then there's that ghastly Ford infomercial that takes an entire day to shoot. Give them a day or two to themselves to just savor the moment.

-- Put the lyrics to the songs on the Teleprompter. Yeah, I get it that as real-life singers, they'll have to memorize all the words, but like I said just just above, give 'em a break and put the words on there as a safety net. Yeah, it takes away those awe-cringing moments when somebody forgets the words -- Brooke White wins that competition this year -- but these contestants have enough to do, like trying to make pretend that they're excited to meet Lloyd Webber, so make it a little easier on them.

-- Pay them more. Share the wealth. Whatever it is, it's not enough. Geez, Fox, Fremantle, the judges and plenty others are sure doing OK by "Idol," shouldn't the contestants too?

-- Finally, for all the cynicism and need for changes mentioned here, "Idol" remains compelling and buzzworthy television. Watching Cook crowned champ last night was a great moment, packed with plenty of emotion. Both he and Archuleta seemingly never let the fame get to their heads, and both could have stellar musical careers ahead. Coming from nowhere and allowing your talents — be it in business, entertainment or academics — to take you to the top is has long been the American dream.

— Stuart Levine

All during Tuesday night's performance show of "American Idol" we kept hearing how it was "the best finale ever." Was it? Well, no. It didn't really compare to Kelly/Justin or Ruben/Clay. It was more on par with Fantasia/Diana or Carrie/Bo. It did beat the heck out of Katharine/Taylor and Blake/Jordin, though. I'll give it that.

Anyway, it's time for the big crowning of the new Idol finale extravaganza and Erin and I have been invited. We'll provide a timeline of the events for you folks. And can we just say, we're going to miss you. It's been fun.

3:50: After battling downtown L.A. parking attendants for a space that was less than a year's salary, We park on the corner of Scary and Scarier and make our way to the theater. Four blocks away. Jeez.

4:20: Arrive at the new Nokia Theater. It's huge. It dwarfs the Kodak. A colleague points out that it has very few frills, but I think it's designed to be acoustically advanced. And the seats are comfy, even up here in the rafters.

Erin: Well folks, we’re down to the wire. And because every single media outlet has latched on to the “David vs. David” concept, “American Idol” decided to run with it by giving the final showdown a boxing theme, complete with outfits, gloves, black & white clips of buff guys punching bags and a boxing analyst that looks like Donnie Darko’s dad. They even give the boys a boxing intro, which personally, if anyone was to announce my weight in front of millions of people along with a dorky nickname, that would be enough for me to forfeit the competition.

Kathy: Pardon the pun, but they really beat this idea into the ground. Although, I gotta say, if I was throwing a big party, I’d want Michael “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” Buffer there. And inviting HBO boxing analyst Jim Lampley was kind of inspired. But, producers, couldn’t you have persuaded Sylvester Stallone to show up? Oscar “Golden Boy” De La Hoya? Not even George Foreman? George would show up for the opening of an envelope. No Seacrest as ring girl?
No backstories about the fighers’ struggles? I mean, they’ve never mentioned it on air, but anyone with access to the Internet is fully aware by now of Cook’s brother’s battle with cancer and Little David’s battle with his father’s controlling ways.
So many missed opportunities. Alas.

Erin: Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Webber are on hand to help the “fighters” in the respective “corners,” thus I can’t shake the mental image of Davis in a little skull cap forcing David A. to catch chickens. Yes, I’m easily amused.

Kathy: Did anyone else notice that after Seacrest announced that the Davids are “fighting for a title reserved for superstars” that they flashed photos of Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Daughtry? Have the producers even forgotten that he didn’t win? He finished fourth, people! Just like Jason Castro. And that fact just serves to prove that the finales have become an exercise in futility because it doesn’t really matter who wins.

Lampley points out that neither of the Davids ever landed in the bottom three. Being the “Idol” geek that I am, I know that this is a distinction shared by previous winners Kelly, Carrie and Taylor. However Ruben and Fantasia both spent time in the bottom three. I can’t remember whether Jordin did or not. Erin? Also, for the first time ever, we have a finalist (Cook) whose initial audition never aired. Is it possible the producers didn’t see the potential in him way back in January? Odd.

After this extended preamble we finally get to the competition:

ROUND I — Clive Davis’ choice

David “Sugarfoot” Cook
Song: “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” (U2)
Erin: I am truly impressed with Clive on this one. I wish all mature gentlemen would pick U2 songs for a younger generation to sing. The world would be a better place. Cook gets all sultry, thus closing in on his cougar fanbase. His version is fab and sexy and makes me want to vote for him again and again. And although he has strong vocals, I have to admit that it’s not much of a stretch to have rockers sing Bono. I mean, almost every featured player on “SNL” can do a decent Bono impression, so how hard can it be? But I’m still a fan so I’m happy with his performance.
On a side note, I once had an ex that kind of looked like the post-combover Cook, and now I want to call him and make him carry a guitar.
Kathy: DC did a great job and it was a fine way to open the show but he looked incredibly nervous last night and it got me wondering: Does he really, secretly, not want the title? Don’t get me wrong, I know he wants a career in music — and he’ll have one. But not winning may have been the best thing to ever happen to Daughtry and the same could be true for Cook. Not being indoctrinated into the 19 Entertaiment machine gives you a lot more control.

David “Babyface” Archuleta
Song: Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me” (Elton John)
Erin: “Idol” producers pan the audience to point out that David’s dad isn’t lurking in the shadows giving terrible, terrible advice to his meal ticket. Davis’ song choice gives Arch a great chance to shine. And shine he does. Little David just blows it out of the water. I mean, I’m not the biggest fan of his. I agree with Kathy that for the better part of the season his talent has basically been making all songs sound the same. Like the Ramones. But hell, I love the Ramones and their one song, so I’m down with that concept. But David just pulled out all the stops on this and kind of makes Cook look like a chump. David shows off his vocal range, which reminds folks at home that this is a competition. Finally, this show is making sense.
Kathy: Throughout my seven-year relationship with this show I’ve witnessed a lot of contestants mangle Elton John songs. Finally, someone does him justice. As hard as it is for me to admit, Little David was absolutely great. Although I’m still with Andrew Lloyd Webber — the closed eyes drive me bananas.

Round I to Archuleta. Cook’s on the ropes
The scene backstage: Clive Davis forces Cook to climb the Philadelphia Art Museum steps.

ROUND II – Contestants choose from among the top 10 songwriting competition entries

Erin: Andrew Lloyd gives his thoughts on the finalists and the songs they had to choose from and does a great job of hiding his disdain.
Kathy: He pulls no punches, and that is why I love ALW

Sugarfoot
Song: “Dream Big” (with guitar) by Emily Shackleton
Erin: OK, I think everyone can agree that the song is pretty trite. It sounds like it should be used during a montage of unpopular kids cleaning up a demolished house to make it their new home, or during the big dance number before Sarah Jessica Parker performs the lift with the boy from the wrong side of the tracks. But given the material, David does a decent job. Which is good, but allows an opening for Archuleta to beat him into a bloody pulp.
Kathy: The original, victory ballad is always the worst song of the season and this year we get two of them. Oh boy! David does as well as one can do with a shallow, simple song. But I’m afraid it’s not good enough. I’m not happy.

Babyface
Song: “In This Moment” by Ryan Gilmore
Erin: A perfect anthem for Des Moines prom-goers to get that last chance for a perfect night before they realize their dates are tools. And just as I thought, David A. demolishes Cook with it. He basically turns the song into a tangible prop and than whacks the Cookster on the head with it.
Simon calls it a “fantastically self-centered song,” which is apparently a good thing.
Kathy: I’m afraid that the lyric “No one can take it from me” had become the theme of the evening. Well, that and the Sweet Science (or boxing, for you non-sports fans).

Round II to Babyface. Cook survives a standing 8-count
Backstage: David Cook tells Davis to “cut me”

ROUND III - Singers’ choice

Sugarfoot
Song: “The World I Know” (Collective Soul) with guitar
Erin: His rendition of the Collective Soul song is on key, but I just don’t think it’s enough to give him the win. The song is a good choice and it’s a fab perf, but just not enough to battle lovesick tweens with cell phone dependencies. My heart is breaking over here. Sad Erin.
Wait! Is he crying? Yes! The tears have started. Oh, now I want to vote for him again and again. I’m sure that what a lot of thirtysomething chicks are thinking at this point, but just to be clear, back the hell off, man. I called dibs.
Kathy: Not the best song choice, I’m afraid. It’s a fine song, but it’s not a familiar song. But I applaud his choice to try something new rather than revisiting his past glory by repeating “Hello” or “Billie Jean” as Simon suggested he should have. You stick to your guns, DC. It will serve you well in the future. Plus, the tears will win you a few thousand extra votes. It was the emotional equivalent of shouting “Adrian!”

Babyface
Song: “Imagine” (John Lennon)
Erin: Really? Again? iTunes is losing money on this performance. At this point, I’m pretty sure that Steven Jobs is cussing out the teen under his breath wondering who is going to buy the clip twice.
As for the perf… yeah, David A. is a emotional master manipulator. Face it. You are not going to get around an adorable kid singer beautiful anthems written by iconic dead rock stars. It’s like facing the perfect storm.
Kathy: I’d call this choice a sucker punch. Repeating his best performance of the season really is the equivalent of hitting below the belt. But it worked. It put David Cook on the canvas for good. Pugilistic genius, Little David.

Backstage: Clubber Lang pushes Davis to the ground, thus inspiring David A. to seek revenge…vocally.

Erin: So, unless half of the Archuleta Army misdials during the call in frenzy, looks like Little David has it in the bag. But it’s Cook’s album I’m going to be buying.

Kathy: Archuleta may be saying to the bloodied but still-standing Cook: “There ain’t going to be no rematch,” but, as Apollo Creed is my witness, there will be, my friend. In about 5 months when both their albums come out we’ll see who the real winner is.

— Erin “The Hebrew Hammer” Maxwell
and Kathy “The Cynic” Lyford

Erin: Yep, folks. It’s David vs. David for the final two. The rocker vs. the kiddie crooner. Two men enter, one man leaves! Welcome to the Thunderdome!
Kathy: This has been a foregone conclusion since early in the round of 24 when Little David sang “Imagine” and rocker Dave sang that Lionel Richie song. The biggest drama of the entire season was Michael Johns going home a week or two too early. No wonder the ratings are down.

Erin: Sorry if my enthusiasm seems a little forced, but I am so totally reeling from the finale of “America’s Next Top Model.” That was awesome. Not that “Idol” doesn’t have its strong points, but the David vs. David vs. Syesha face-off just isn’t as nail-biting as the Fatima vs. Anya vs. Whitney thing going on at the CW.
Kathy: More on that later. Man I'm exhausted.

Erin: So, during the Top Three results show, we had a blessed visit from Fantasia doing her best Grace Jones impression, which is totally fine by me. I love Grace, so anything the remotely reminds me of her is cool in my book. I wonder what Mister would say about the hair though?
Kathy: Did you see Simon’s face!? He looked perplexed… and a little scared. I was a little scared too. Mostly by her outfit.

Erin: We also took a look at the Top Three as they visit their hometowns like conquering heroes, where they were welcomed back with open arms. Each of the Idols got a day dedicated to them, which apparently fairly common for small towns once you gain fame on a reality show.

Do the fine citizens of Grand Prairie, TX, still celebrate Nikki McKibbin Day with family picnics and repeated blarings of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”?

David A. got to go back to Utah, which confirms my cousin’s theory about young Davey escaping a polygamist cult in the recent past. The lad was mobbed by thousands upon thousands of blond cheerleaders, all of whom have cell phones and are way more obsessive about calling “Idol” with their votes than either you or I.
Kathy: Is it just me or does the mayor of David’s fair town look like Yosemite Sam?

Cue tears.

Erin: Syesha also headed home to Florida. I would have actually fast forwarded through this part, but I used up my TiVo buffer on Ryan’s banter, so I watched her visit the Sunshine State and its local Fox affiliates.
Kathy: Loved they way her dad basically told her that her newfound fame was the only thing keeping him away from the bottle and the crack pipe. Way to put pressure on the girl, daddy.

Cue tears.

Erin: David C. brings his cute emo geek brother on stage to recount the fact that he wasn’t even going to audition, but got suckered into it by Fox interns. Man, that’s gotta sting, bro. Seriously. When Mr. Cook his travels through Missouri,  during the concert you can see his brother mouthing the words to the song, secretly wishing his sibling ill will. I know, I know, he’s sick and his brother supports him, but you can’t believe for a second that there isn’t a dark spot in his heart. Kathy, what do you think?
Kathy: I think the brother is going to hold that over David’s head for the rest of his life. I know I would. Bro is going to sit and play videogames and live off the success of his more talented sibling. Hopefully, when that scene from Ford video becomes a reality, David will have a mansion with a driveway full of cars that are not Focuses and Explorers.

Erin: Anyway, on his travels, David C. Got to visit his old music teacher, throw out an opening pitch at a baseball game, walk in a parade, cure the blind and solve the global warming issue.
Kathy: Oh man, my dream of all dreams is to throw out the first pitch at a Major League Baseball game. Damn you, David, for stealing my dream. Of course, it was the Royals so — big whoop.
Also, I’ve met my fair share of celebrities and have never been reduced to tears in front of them. Why does this always happen? I was reduced to babbling incoherently in front of George Clooney once but I think that’s a common phenonmenon. Erin, can you explain all the girls in tears?
Erin: Kath, keep in mind that we live in a world where celebs are not confined to the screen. They live here, they play here, they hit your car at the Trader Joe's, they take the last cupcake at Sprinkles and they buy studded dog booties at the Grove. We are used to seeing them up and around, but in the fly-over states, they've probably glorified them to near deity status. For them, Cameron Diaz is a golden goddess. For us, she's the chick that took the last size-small pink cami at the Fred Segel sale.

Cue tears.

Erin: So, it’s the battle royale between the Davids next week. I can’t wait.
Kathy: Oh, neither can I!

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

P.S.
Check Variety.com later today for big news on a previous “Idol” winner. We're such teases...

This week is a little something that we in entertainment journalism like to call “hell week.” The scheduling gods conspired to combine the busiest day of the TV upfronts, opening day of the Cannes fest and the Tony noms all on the same horrifying day. As a result, Erin is bowing out of today’s recap and getting some much needed sleep. I’m here, but I’m punchy, so bear with me.

The penultimate performance show of this godforsaken season of “American Idol” taught me three things:
1) Simon should pick songs for everyone every week
2) When insulted, Randy becomes pouty and takes out his anger on people half his size
3) Syesha’s only friends on this show work in the wardrobe department

The kids sing three songs each, one chosen by a judge, one they chose themselves and one chosen by the producers. And nearly all the choices are dismal.

The finals are pretty much a foregone conclusion as Paula told David A. he’s secured a spot in the finals; Simon tells David C. that he’ll “sail through to the finals” and the nicest thing Syesha hears all night is Randy saying “That’s why you’re standing here as #3.” Very nice.

And here we go…

Round 1 (Judge’s choice)

David A.
Song: Paula chose “And So It Goes” (Billy Joel)
Gack. Thanks a heap, Paula, for allowing Little David to say in his sickly sweet ballad box. He sang it well, I guess, but gawd what an awful song. I was bored out of my mind. The last thing I needed this week was a lullabye.

Syesha
Song: Randy chose “If I Ain’t Got You” (Alicia Keys)
Nice going, Randy. Way to set the girl up for failure. You can do nothing with this song to set yourself apart from Alica. No matter who tried to sing this, it would have sounded karaoke.
However, Syesha looked stunning in the first of three rather spectacular outfits. Like I said, at least the stylists love her.
Simon chided Randy for the song choice — wisely. The big guy didn’t take the criticism at all well and spent the rest of the show being pissy and giving the same criticism to every kid/song: “ That was just OK for me.” Very mature, Jackson.

David C.
Song: Simon chose “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” (Roberta Flack)
Seemed an odd choice but it really did achieve what Simon set out to do: It allowed David to put an original spin on a familiar song. Paula liked it, Simon loved it (natch) and Randy only disliked it because he was still mad at Simon.

Round 1 goes to David C. with David A. dead last, in my opinion.

Round 2 (Contestant choice)

David A.
Song: “With You” (Chris Brown)
OK, this was hilarious. Hearing a tot from Utah sing “I need you, boo, Gotta see you, boo, Hey little mama” was like watching Baby Pearl swear on those Will Ferrell comedy shorts. It was just so wrong, and so, so funny. Thanks for making me laugh during this very bad week, David. I owe you one.
I applaud him for attempting to break out of the boring ballad mode but, Lord, was this a misguided choice. Too bad his dad couldn’t have helped him.

Syesha
Song: “Fever” (Peggy Lee)
Sy donned sexy ensemble #2 and turned up the heat. And I liked it a whole lot better than the judges did. They are just bound and determined not to like this poor girl. My wish for her is that she finds all the success of third place finisher Kimberley Locke and then comes back in a few seasons to perform and prove the judges wrong.

David C.
Song: “Dare You to Move” (Switchfoot) – with guitar
Daughtry-lite picks another mediocre song from some random band. David really needs some guidance. We all know by now that he’ll have a career after this. Let’s just hope a firm hand at the record label guides his choices. Still, he probably won this round too. The bar was set pretty low.

Round 2: David C., then Syesha with David boo bringing up the rear again.

Round 3 (Producer choice)

David A.
Song: “Longer” (Dan Fogelberg)
Ugh. Worst song ever. I couldn’t even listen to the whole thing without going into a diabetic coma. I really have had enough of this kid.

Syesha
Song: “Hit Me Up” (“Happy Feet” soundtrack)
Again, sang it well, but it just didn’t all quite come together.
It was “just OK” for Randy. OK, Jackson, we get it. You’re in a bad mood. Is it the ugly shirt they put you in? Are you jealous because the peeps who pick out the clothes like Syesha best? Get over it.
All three judges ding Syesha for her song choice. I’d like to point out the she didn’t choose it. Your lame producers did. Leave the girl alone already.

David C.
Song: “I Don’t Want to Miss A Thing” (written by Diane Warren, performed by many)
I’m getting the feeling here that the producers want David C. to win. Not only did they gave him the best of the three songs, but they put on a special light show for him. They even planted Diane Warren in the audience.
They’ve nearly anointed him the winner already. Can we just skip right to that and finish up this dreadful season already?

Round 3: David C., Boo, Syesha

If the world was a fair place, the final 2 would be David Cook and Syesha. But as “entertainment news hell week” proved to me and Erin the world is not fair. Not at all. So the final will be the battle of the Davids. Let’s just hope the right one wins.

— Kathy Lyford

Erin: Well kids, it’s time to say goodbye to the goofy antics of the very pretty Jason. We will miss his lackadaisical attitude, his laid-back demeanor and his one-trick pony singing style. In a few seasons, he will be all but forgotten, remembered only as “that hot kid with the dreads.” And rightfully so.

Kathy: I was out late last night and from the lack of emails I received I knew before I even sat down with my Tivo that everything was as it should be and that Jason had finally made his exit. He seemed relieved, if anything. He actually said that he didn't know how he would have learned three songs next week.

Jason seemed like a nice kid but I never got the feeling he wanted to be the “next American Idol.” I really couldn't figure out why he tried out for the show to begin with. I suspect he thought celebs get free weed. Maybe they do. Do they?

Erin: So, to recap the results show, “Idols” brought back Bo, who will always stand out as one of my favorite all-time contestants. Remember his version of “Whipping Post”? He looks good and is still working the rocker beat, and although his song choice isn’t the greatest, I still think fondly of the boy and his many, many split ends.

Kathy: I was thinking the same thing while he performed! The boy needs some Pantene, stat. Also, I was wondering how his stomach is after all those emergency surgeries. He seemed healthy.

Erin: Also on this show, we get a performance by Maroon 5, who like Jason, is easy on the eyes but not so much on the ears. I realize that with that comment I’m going to get a lot of hate mail, so before you guys start with the death threats, please keep in mind that not all of us are into lighter side of alt music. I know, I know, that’s not enough. Can’t you just focus in on the fact that I conceded on the point of how hot both Jason and Mr. Levine are? Isn’t that enough? Can’t we bond on that?

Kathy: All hate mail should be directed to Erin directly. I have no beef with Maroon 5.

Erin: A look back at Jason’s journey revealed some interested facts:
* The boy didn’t realize that the song “Memory” from “Cats” was sung by a cat.
* He befriended crazy guy in the white suit that sang the “We Are Brothers” song.
* He is naturally shy in front of a camera and has issues talking about himself. This is pretty cute actually, but you must wonder why he auditioned on a reality show if he didn’t embrace his narcissistic side just a little bit.
* Jason didn’t realize that the song “Memory” from “Cats” was indeed sung by a cat. I think it’s important that we look at this statement again. I mean, it’s called “Cats.” There are cats on the poster. The show ran in every American city at some point with an extensive ad campaign featuring dancing cats. Seriously. There are a lot of hints here.

Kathy: I’m still stuck on the fact that after looking at a list of the 500 most influential rock songs of all time, Jason claimed to recognize only a few. How is that possible? Also I enjoyed the look of terror Jason got on his face when Andrew Lloyd Webber told him "Memory" was sung by an "old glamour puss." Hee.

Erin: I don’t think Jason was as well liked as producers would have thought. No one cried when he left. No one tried to comfort him. They cut off his final performance before he can mutilate “I Shot the Sheriff” any further. And none of the other Idols told him that “Cats” features cats singing.

I rest my case.

Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

P.S.
Another life after “Idol” career path is chosen: Ace will be on an upcoming episode of “Bones,” along with Brandon Rogers. A synopsis of the episode:

"Both singers will play characters who take part in an amateur club singing contest in the hope to become famous one day. Since this is "Bones," expect one of the contestants to end up dead. … Ace Young's character, named Tommy Sour, is the one biting the dust after the competition. Brandon Rogers will play a character named in the script as "Broadway Wannabe."

Erin: It’s Idols gone wild night on “American Idol” as the remaining four contestants get their chance to shine by picking songs we all expect them to sing. With the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame catalog at their disposal, the top four kids give viewers exactly what we’ve wanted to see. This is the reality TV version of “True Romance,” where every actor involved is playing up their typecast. The rocker Idol sings rock songs, the diva Idol sings soulful ditties, the Idol we all assumed listened to reggae sings Marley and the heartthrob Idol sings love songs that make the whole world sing.

Kathy: I was just sitting here trying to figure out who had the most difficult job in America on Tuesday night: Hillary Clinton’s spin doctor or Ryan Seacrest, who had to single-handedly piece contestants back together? I’m going with Seacrest.

This week, the producers wisely decided to let the judges critique after each perf, and boy does Paula look relieved.

ROUND 1

David C.
Song: “Hungry Like a Wolf” (Duran Duran)
Erin: David is really best when he reshapes (or borrows someone else’s reshaping) of an unconventional tune. But in this perf, he pretty much does it by the book. It’s fine, but because I’m a Durany and have a long-standing crush on Nick Rhodes (and a newly formed crush on Mr. Cook), David gets a pass from me.
Kathy: For Erin it was Nick Rhodes, for me it was Simon LeBon. And David’s perf was so dull, so karaoke, that I spent the whole time thinking about how Simon LeBon could help David with his hair problem. But, as Erin said, David C. can do no wrong at this point so he gets a pass.

Syesha
Song: “Proud Mary” (Ike & Tina)
Erin: Syesha looks like she’s been studying both archived performances of Miss Tina and the recent performance by Tina and Beyonce from the Grammys. Her gold dress, sweeping arm movements and twirls all smack of classic Tina, but it seems to me that she’s holding back a bit. But man, does she look damn good. Hardcore Syesha fan Phil Gallo is probably having a heart attack by now.
Kathy: Sparkly Syesha started off a bit slowly but then, whoa!, wow. You go girl! She’s got Tina’s dance moves down but can’t match the pipes. Still, she keeps on improving week to week and getting more comfortable on stage. I continue to be disappointed that Simon won’t give her a break, because she' really giving it her all, unlike…

Jason
Song: “I Shot the Sheriff” (Bob Marley) - with guitar
Erin: I loved the way he cackled when talking about choosing a Marley song, like it’s an inside joke as to why he picked the reggae master. Sorry honey, it’s not really a mystery wrapped in an enigma here. I get it. The viewers get it. The producers get it. Hell, even people in comas who are watching “Idol” from their hospital beds because candy stripers left the TV for them so they won’t feel “lonely,” get it too.
And damn, it’s just horrible, but extremely amusing. The judges go for the jugular on this one attacking Jason from all sides, which led the best exchange ever in the history of “Idol.”
Simon: “What were you thinking!”
Jason: “I was thinking, ‘Bob Marley!’”
I want to see this kid on more talkshows. He is apparently one of the great analytical minds of the century.
Kathy: The Bob Marley Society called. They want their dreadlocks back.
Poor, dumb Jason announced to the world that out of the 500 most influential rock songs, he recognized “a couple.” Oh boy. Jason deservedly took quite a beating from the judges. Simon basically told him that William Hung and Lady Morgue did a better job in their auditions than Jason did here, stripping him of all dignity and leaving Seacrest to try to soothe Jason’s ego. I was almost sad for him. Maybe he’ll save face with the second song. Or not.

David A.
Song: “Stand by Me” (Ben E. King)
Erin: This is David A. showing off his chops in a big way. I love how he threw in a reference to Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girls” for the tween scene. If you listen closely, you can still hear the screams of 12-year-old girls declaring their love for the young crooner.
Kathy: This is hard for me to admit. Little David did a great job. And I, too, give him props for the Sean Kingston sample. He even made me laugh with his comment that the judges faces scare him. Hee.

ROUND 2

David C.
Song: “Baba O’Riley” (The Who) – with guitar
Erin: Dave took the classic song, slowed it down, removed the bridge and gave it an emo edge. It’s nice to hear the song outside of the “CSI” franchise, which has been using the tunes of the classic band as an anthem for overacting and random autopsies. Anywho, Dave was off to a rocky start, but really pulled it together by the end.
Kathy: David worried me with the song choice but, you know, he made it work. It’s an awfully good thing he had two songs. Still, he seemed a bit off last night. Whatever’s going on in his personal life seems to be weighing on him. C’mon David just a couple more weeks. You’ve got to salvage this season for me by winning.

Syesha
Song: “A Change is Gonna Come” (Sam Cooke)
Erin: She did a much better job with the second song choice. For those of you playing the “Idol” drinking game at home, here is the tally:
1. Got Paula to stand up (1 shot)
2. Got Paula to cry (2 shots)
4. Simon liked it (1 shot)
5. Simon announces that he agrees with Paula (2 shots)
5. Randy makes an contestant cry (down the bottle and find a place to crash)
Kathy: Syesha ticked me off a little at the beginning by comparing her “Idol” journey to the civil rights movement of the ’60s. Yes, Syesha, everything is about you. But I got over it quickly because she was wearing a fantastic dress and she did a really good job with the song. Then Randy did a terrible, terrible thing and made Sy cry and I immediately felt bad about being ticked off with her. And it’s not just a few tears, she’s really losing it. Even Simon looks sympathetic. Poor Ryan is left to hold the tissue box once again. Man, he’s really earning his pay tonight. Randy, I hope you’re happy. Meanie. It’s too bad Syesha couldn’t have saved the whole crying jag for next week when she’ll really need it.

Jason
Song: “Mr. Tambourine Man” (Bob Dylan) - with guitar
Erin: Remember that scene from “Animal House” where Belushi bashes the guitar after hearing the first few lines of “I Gave My Love a Cherry”?
Yep.
Man, Jason is just a’ train wreck tonight. Jason flubs on the lyrics once again, but his version of the song is so terrible, this small mistake is barely even mentioned. At this point, Jason is so bad that even if an alien broke loose from his chest during the performance and began devouring members of the audience and two of the producers, it would take a backseat to his dreadful version of the song. 
Kathy: In Jason’s video clip he says “I picked Bob Dylan because how can you go wrong with Bob Dylan?” Oh, let me count the ways…. Seriously, how do you forget the lyric “Jingle jangle morning”?!
Erin, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this the third time this season that words have been forgotten by “the best top 12 in ‘Idol’ history”? The only positive thing I can say about this perf by Jason is that I guess Syesha is safe tonight.

David A.
Song: "Love Me Tender" (Elvis)
Erin: Teen girls everywhere are spontaneously combusting at this point. Yes folks, we have a winner. Behold the glory of David A. It’s been said if you stare too long at his magnificence, you’ll eventually go blind from the cuteness.
Kathy: David announces that he hasn’t yet sung a love song on the big stage. Really? All you’ve done is ballads. But the kid sure does know how to play to his strengths. He may just have wrapped it up tonight. David Cook is now destined to join the ranks of Clay and Daughtry as a runner up who outsells the winner.

Best
Erin: David A.
Kathy: Hate to say it, but Little David

Worst
Erin: Jason
Kathy: Duh

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

Erin: Oh Brooke, you did pretty well, kid. You made it this far and you still managed to hold on to your innocence, which is something to be said for a reality show. (“Flavor of Love” and “Rock of Love” ladies take note: it is possible to go on TV without bring shame upon your entire family. Really.)

Kathy: I was probably more invested in Brooke for a longer time than any other contestant this season, except for Asia’h. So this one was a little sad for me. Brooke was like a bright light for a few weeks, until the show started to take an emotional toll on her. Don’t worry Brooke, I’m sure your sister will forgive you for missing her wedding. I think Brooke can carve out a niche for herself and probably won’t have to go back to being a nanny. If Jasmine could manage to turn her “Idol” stint into a decent career, Brooke certainly should be able to.

Erin: Here are my highlights from last night’s long haul:

Neil Diamond tried to shill his new album by refusing to play “Cherry Cherry.”

Natasha Bedingfield proved that even established females over the age of 13 can also succumb to the charms of David A.

Simon finds out his first kiss has been stalking him for the better part of four decades.

Paula does not have a problem.

Kathy: I enjoyed contrite, humbled Paula quite a bit, but there were two highlights for me last night.

When the Natasha asked if she could “go say hi to David,” David Cook immediate leapt to his feet with open arms to await her embrace, only to see the lovely Brit songbird plop herself down right next to Little David. She even asked David A. to take her to the prom!

When Constantine and Gina Glocksen were shilling whatever their “Idol” related show is, Gina said — with a gleam in her eye — “We get the first interview with the elminated contestant. And sometimes there’s lots to tears!!”

Erin: We also explored the concept of “the zone.” This is apparently a happy place where contestants go and can do no wrong. Judges keep bringing it up like it’s the Holy Land. In “the zone,” for one fleeting moment, you are the best. Until America votes and brings you back to reality, knocking you off your game like a Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Robot.

Jason and the Davids were safe and found a spot on the couch, while the ladies were banished to the bottom two. Syesha guided Brooke to her usual barstool at the corner of the stage where the audience members sequestered to that area welcomed her back with open arms (“Norm!”). Seriously, this is the sixth time that Syesha has been in the bottom. In the real world, nobody would get by after this many bad performance reviews. If this was the Gap, she would have been fired by now.

Brooke gave her teary farewell, ending the night with her back toward the audience like the final scene in the “Blair Witch Project.” And with that, we bid adieu to Brooke. But don’t worry, we’ll see her in the audience soon enough. Apparently, life after “Idol” doesn’t only include a spot on the traveling tour, but a lifetime supply of free tickets to the shows. Right, Constantine?

Kathy: After another large ratings drop last night, I’m sure Nigel and the crew are brainstorming on ways to tweak the show. Here are my suggestions. Replace one of the judges. Maybe two of them. Tell us who got the highest vote total and have them sing us out on elimination night instead of forcing a crying, exiting contestant to sing a song that nobody liked the night before.

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

Kathy: Next week on “American Idol,” Jason sucked, David Cook rocked, Syesha sang well but nobody liked her and Little David made yet another song sound exactly the same as all the others while little girls screeched.
What’s that you say? Next week hasn’t happened yet? Oh boy. I've misread my notes. I thought they all sang next week already. Now I’m embarrassed. Erin can you take over for a minute while I figure this out? Tell the folks a story or something. I’m going to have another swig of Paula’s Coca Cola and try to get my bearings.

Erin: It’s Neil Diamond week on “Idol,” and I am happy to say that Neil looks fab. I’m so glad he didn’t go the Kenny Rogers route in aging. Neil take the kids under his wing as they step up to the plate to either popularize his tunes for a new generation, or mutilate them so that lifelong fans will learn to hate them.
And since Ryan gets to tell a dumb story about Neil Diamond, I feel justified in sharing my story as well.

Back when I was  a kid, my mom used to teach at this hoity-toity school where celebs sent their spawn for an alternative education. As the  classroom charity cases, my sis and I got to tag along on many of the field trips, which were not your normal “let’s take a bus to the zoo” thing. It was more like weeklong ski trips and tours of Malibu beaches. Anyway, on one of the trips, the  entire class went camping for the weekend with parents in tow. Neil came with his kids and even brought a guitar along for the campfire. Looking back, it was pretty cool, but at the time, I had little idea of who he was, so my sister and I spent  the night taunting him for not knowing the words to “La Bamba.” I’m really sorry about that Neil. In hindsight, I was an idiot. If I ever go camping with you again, I’ll just sit quietly and listen to whatever tunes you want to play. You’re the man, baby.

Kathy: Oh yeah, Neil Diamond. We’re on the same page now. I wasn’t looking forward to this week, especially when I heard that each kid was doing two songs. I was pretty sure there weren't 10 Neil Diamond songs I could sit through. But Neil is an affable guy, although WAY more tactful than Andrew Lloyd Webber — so, not as fun. And he does look great. There’s a lot to be said for aging gracefully. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Kenny Rogers. Maybe I’ll cancel that Botox consultation I have set up.

Erin: This week, each Idol gets the two chances to shine, and the judges must remain mute during the first performance. It’s double the fun, double the groans.

Kathy: Before we talk about the actual performances, let’s talk about Paula and that thing that happened last night. It may have been the single most entertaining segment in “Idol” history, but not in a good way.

Erin: When Paula is asked to give an opinion of Jason’s first performance, she has a vision of the future by giving a review of his second performance as well. I think she had taken a few too many of Mother’s little helpers Tuesday, or she took the perfect amount and it has released her psychic abilities, “Dead Zone” style.

Kathy: I watched it six times. I couldn't get enough. The whole thing kind of happened in slow motion, like a traffic accident. Here’s my play-by-play of the whole event.

Paula says to Jason, who has only sung once, “I thought your second performance was, um, lacking that charm you usually bring." Plus something about how it left him (or her, I'm not sure) empty. Randy says "He only sang one song." Then Paula made it worse: “WHAT? I can’t read my notes. This is hard. You mean you didn’t sing twice? I thought you sang twice.”

First everyone was frozen, just trying to figure out what the hell Paula just did. Then David Cook barely stifled a laugh, forever cementing a place in my heart. Jason looked confused. Oh wait, no reaction from Jason; he always looks like that. Brooke looked concerned. Seacrest looked bewildered. Then the lady stage manager (remember her, the one who wanted to touch Brad Pitt?) obviously yelled something from backstage because Seacrest glanced to his right, looking pleadingly backstage and everyone suddenly sprang into action. I imagine she shouted something like “Stop her now, before it gets worse!” Randy and Simon stepped in like protective older brothers and helped Paula out of the fog she was in.

Randy: “Paula, Paula, Paula, just tell us who was your favorite?”
Simon: “Oh I’ve had enough. Here we go. Jason, you’re forgettable. David Cook you’re just above average. Brooke, it was a nightmare. Archuletta you were amateurish and Syesha, you were old fashioned. You better all step it up.”
Way to bring us back to reality Simey.

Note to Paula from Erin and Kathy:
1) Take notes that you can read. We do it every week.
2) This is not hard. Erin and I manage and we have full time jobs and no servants.
3) You do not get to pre-judge the contestants. Only Erin and I get to do that.
4) Have your doctor regulate your meds.

And here’s what we thought of the performances, after actually hearing them.

Attending the "Idol" taping last night made me feel like a first-hand witness to the beginning of the end.

Not so much on "Idol" itself, which is having ratings woes but still dominates the competition and isn't going anywhere anytime soon, but on Paula Abdul, who hit a new low — even for Paula standards.

Sure, the format was changed when the kids did five performances in a row before hearing from the judges. And, yeah, it was somewhat difficult for the judges to compile their thoughts on all the songs in a compressed time period.

But when Paula started commenting on Jason's second song, before he had even sung it, well, it just sent the in-studio audience into a kind of "what just happened" moment. When the show went to a commercial break right after, Paula scurried out of her seat, head down and left the stage without saying a word.

She, obviously, knew she had screwed up big time, but the episode didn't come off as an easy and forgettable laugh or just another  "Hey, isn't that Paula wacky" scenario. This seemed far more serious; at least if felt that way at the time.

While there's little question Paula's antics can make for a ratings bump -- in the way rubberneckers like to slow down on freeway to get a look at an accident -- doesn't producer Nigel Lythgoe owe it to viewers, and especially the contestants, to use the most qualified judges as possible if the show is to have any credibility at all?

Simon, as good and honest as he is, can carry the load on his shoulders for only so long.

— Stuart Levine

I'll leave it to our "American Idol" experts Kathy and Erin to fully explain the atrocity that was the results portion of the show last night, put I had to throw my two cents in there to vent my outrage at having Carly tossed.

Sure, Carly was no Carrie Underwood-to-be -- who knows if she even has the musical chops to launch a successful post-"Idol" career -- but seeing her go before Jason was a travesty. Travesty I say!

Not to pick on Jason -- OK, I'll pick on him -- but the guy seems more interested in selling incense on Venice Beach than in being a musician. The guy is so laid back, every time I watch him perform I think he's going to fall asleep before the song is over. That is if I don't fall asleep watching him first.

Why did he survive and Carly say goodbye when it was obvious she had a much better performance Tuesday night? A minor factor might've been Carly's tattoos and her husband's faceful of tats, which might've scared off mainstream America.

The larger factor, however, is that Jason's a heartthrob of 16-year-old girls who have nothing better to do than dial in for him 800 times a night. That's the way to get into "Idol's" final rounds, by being the cute guy or girl who everyone wants to cuddle with.

No cuddling with Carly. All she could do was sing.

-- Stuart Levine

Erin: Color me shocked. The talented Carly leaves us and I’m sad, but not devastated like when Michael left. All and all, she took the news like a champ and I’m looking forward to her Apple.com release of power ballads due out in about two years.

Kathy: I can normally gauge the outrage level of America by the number of emails I get from friends and family at 10:01 p.m. on Wednesday night. (Unfortunately I sometimes don’t watch til later so some of those loved ones are ruining the show for me but, oh well.) Anyway, last night several in my circle were quite upset so I’m predicting Amercia at large isn’t going to be happy with this decision. My mom says she’s never watching again. Oh Mom, I’ve said that before. But just when you think you’re out, they pull you back in.

What a long, strange season it’s been. I haven’t had a consistent favorite at all. In every other season I have picked my contestant (or two) early on and never wavered: Season 1: Kelly and Tamyra; Season 2: Kimberley: Season 3: Fantasia; Season 4: Carrie; Season 5: Kellie and Daughtry; Season 6: Doolittle. This season they’ve all had their moment in the sun with me but I haven’t been loyal to any of them. In the early rounds I liked Kristy; later I hated her. David A. had me at “Imagine,” then lost me. Brooke was my Top 12 girl, but one too many screwups killed that. Michael was probably my most consistent fave but Jason, Carly, Amanda, Syesha and Ramiele also had ever-so-brief moments in the sun. And now I’m in David C.’s camp. So, while I totally disagreed with this week's bottom 2 (Syesha and Carly) and I’m sorry that Carly went a couple of weeks too soon, I’m not really sad.

Erin: I’m starting to notice a pattern here. One week, America gets lazy with the texts, and we lose a superstar. This sobers up the viewing audience to the realities of talent-based competition shows, thus redeeming themselves the next week by kicking off a contestant that deserves it. Check it out:

March 12: David Hernandez — Talented. Didn’t really deserve to go at this point.
March 19: Amanda Overmyer — I loved her, but she was a one-trick pony. I miss her still, but it was fair.
March 26: Chikezie Eze — Didn’t deserve to go quite yet.
April 2: Ramiele Malubay — Her reign of terror and boredom comes to an end
April 10: Michael Johns — UNFAIR! BOO! HISS! HISS!
April 16: Kristy Lee Cook — Proof of a higher power… a higher power that watches reality television.
April 23: Carly Smithson — Totally unwarranted. Especially since she rocked out.

See? So, stay strong America. If voters keep with this pattern, things should correct themselves next week.

Kathy: Following Erin’s handy dandy formula, I believe I can safely predict how the rest of the season will go. See, Mom, you don’t have to watch after all.

April 30: Jason finally makes his overdue exit
May 7: Syesha leaves a week too early, leaving Brooke and the Davids
May 14: Brooke leaves us a few weeks too late
Finale: David A. is crowned when it really should be David C.

Oh, lord, let me be wrong.

Erin: Andrew LW chatted with Ryan a bit about the contestants, where he said (and this is a direct quote): “Jason really, really sucks. He won’t listen to me and I hate his hair. I don’t understand how he got this far. I’m very confused about the boy and I need an explanation as to why he is still here.”

Ok, that’s paraphrasing. But honestly, it’s not that far from the truth.

Kathy: I rewound and watched that part twice, I enjoyed it so much.

Also, Simon’s protégé Leona Lewis has left me with that silly “Bleeding Love” song playing on a continuous loop in my head. Thanks. Does anyone else think she looks like Blu Cantrell?

Note: Did the producers have to ruin a prefectly good elimination show by having the Bushes appear?

Erin: “Idol” also wanted to remind the hopefuls that there is life after reality TV on Broadway. We get a heads up on Tamyra Gray and Clay Aiken in their post-TV careers as performers in “Rent” and “Spamalot,” respectively. This is to reassure “Idols” that not all paths lead to the TV Guide channel, reunion shows and tabloid magazines where you talk about your illicit affair with Paula Abdul.

Kathy: Don’t forget the other Great White Way careers carved out by “Idol” contestants: Fantasia and LaKisha (“Color Purple”); Diana DeGarmo (“Hairspray”); Frenchie (“Rent”). Even Constantine was on Broadway briefly.

Erin: Alas, I wish you well, dear Carly. I hope you are scheduled to go on stage after Kristy on the “Idol” tours so that I can miss her completely. But hey, I hope this tidbit cheers you up: You placed exactly the same as Kellie Pickler and she's doing fantastic right now. So, buck up little camper. We’ll climb that hill together.

Kathy: Note to future idol wannabes. Teen girls won’t text for you if you have tattoos. Or an accent.

Next week: Neil Diamond. May he be as honest and insightful as Sir Andrew was.

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

Kathy: Andrew Lloyd Webber pays a visit to the Idols this week, or rather, they pay a visit to him in Las Vegas. So this week we get songs that not only have the kids never heard but I’m guessing the majority of the audience hasn’t heard either. As I cuddled up with my Tivo to catch last night’s episode I vowed that as soon as somebody fired up “Jellicle Ball” from “Cats” I’d be done for the night. Thankfully, that didn’t happen.

Instead, I have a whole new respect for Sir Webber. He has an uncanny ability to pinpoint the most annoying characteristic of each Idol, sometimes rather bluntly. ALW also explains how important it is for him to have singers who believe the words they are singing. Boy, oh boy, is he in for bitter disappointment with this bunch.

But, I’m pleasantly surprised because I expected six train wrecks in a row. What I got instead were two contestants doing what they always do, two finally finding their footing and two absolute disasters.

Erin: In my past life, I’m pretty sure I was a horrible torch song singer who trampled the lives and careers of others to get to the top, because I’m paying for it in this life with one ballad-themed week after another on “American Idol.”

NOTE: It’s Passover at the Erin household, so the whole clan is in town, all of whom watch “American Idol” and all of whom are pretty funny… and loud. How loud? I’m the shy one in the family. So, I tried to give credit where credit was due. It was hard to distinguish which were my original thoughts and which were comments that were screamed at me between mouthfuls of matzah-based muffins.

This week, the kids pretend they know the works of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Not to say they aren’t familiar with “Phantom of the Opera” or “Cats,” but I’m sure their knowledge of “Tell Me on a Sunday” or “Aspects of Love” might be a little hazy at best. So, the real theme of this week’s “Idol” is “Superstar Phantom of Evita’s Cats.”

Kathy: Note the star power in the audience tonight: David Duchovny, Allison Janney, Joely Fisher, Ricky (I refuse to call him Rick) Schroder, a couple of women I think are Pussycat Dolls.

Syesha (TV Guide power ranking #6)
Song: “One Rock & Roll Too Many” (“Starlight Express”)
Kathy: ALW made Syesha try the song with no animation, then again with some fun injected into it, then asked her to determine which she thought was more effective. Lo and behold, Syesha discovers her personality. Who is this bubbly girl and what has she done with the robotic Syesha? Thank you Mr. Webber. I thought she rocked this song. Is it enough for her to be the next American Idol? Not by a long shot. But it should cement her a career on Broadway. I predict a Tony win for Ms. Mercado within five years. You heard it here first, folks.
Erin: Where is BreakSk8 when you need them? I realize that I’ve mentioned this before, but how can I even think of “Starlight Express” without wondering about my boys from “America’s Best Dance Crew.” They have burned their way into my soul and I will carry a part of them wherever I go on life’s journey. Thanks, Randy!
Syesha is fine, but it’s not a stand out performance in any way. She plays it vampy with a red dress, but it’s just not working for me. For vampy to work, you gotta look like your prepared to do a little harm, like steal your best friend’s man or go on a bender in Las Vegas with a bunch of bikers. Without that possibility of deviance, it just looks like Syesha is playing dress up. Which she is.

Jason (TV Guide power ranking #3)
Song: “Memories” (“Cats”)
Kathy: ALW is completely flummoxed by Jason, as I have been for weeks now. Jason just really isn’t very bright. For instance, he didn’t know the songs in “Cats” were sung by, you know, feline characters. OK then. This was just the completely wrong song for him and Andrew told him so, but he forged ahead anyway. I’m falling a little in love with Andrew Lloyd Webber, I think. I’ve seen a second rate traveling production of “Cats” (longest 2½ hours of my life, by the way) and it wasn’t this bad. Hell, the understudy in the Pougkeepsie dinner theater production would have been damn sight better.
Erin: “Aeschylus did not invent the theatre to have it end up a bunch of chorus kids in cat suits prancing around wondering which of them will go to kitty-cat heaven.” — “Six Degrees of Separation”
Yep. Couldn’t agree more.
I’m sorry but Jason’s whole performance was hysterical. It was the perfect mixture of boring, whiney and wrong. Had it not been Andrew Lloyd Webber week, I would of half expected Jason to come out sitting on an oil drum singing “Rainbow Connection.”
His perf of the song was like Mother Rose pushed him out on stage before taking him to the potty. The vocals were on par with a fifth grader in a church-sponsored talent contest, while his homage to “Magnum P.I.” outfit didn’t help him much either. This was just a horrible song choice for him.

Brooke (TV Guide power ranking #5)
Song: “You Must Love Me” (“Evita,” feature film version)
Kathy: ALW: “I don’t think the girl had a clue what she was singing about.” Amen. That pretty much sums up Brooke. And that would have been bad enough but then came the “Oh, sorry, can we start again?” moment and it went downhill from there. It was just painful, even for this show. Brooke dug her own grave with this performance and, I gotta say, my heart broke just a little for her.
Erin: In the video before the song, Andy breaks down the tune for Brooke, because apparently she doesn’t have HBO and wasn’t subjected to the thousands of showings of Madonna’s “Evita” most cable subscribers had to endure.
But whoa! Looks like Jason’s safe this week, because Brooke really, really messed up. She does the “Idol” equivalent of a faceplant. After an initial bad start, “Idol’s” answer to Carly Simon had to take another shot at the song. But even with the redo, it was just not a great performance. Paula advises Brooke to ad lib next time she forgets the words. “Yes, that’s great advice,” said my sis. “It’s not like middle America knows Andrew Lloyd Webber songs anyway. Feel free to make it your own.”

David A. (TV Guide power ranking #2)
Song: “Think of Me” (“Phantom of the Opera”)
Kathy: The genius that is Andrew Lloyd Webber essentially says to David A. what I and anyone who doesn’t subscribe to Tiger Beat have been thinking for weeks. “Open your bloody eyes when you sing!” And I feel like kissing Mr. Webber for dispensing that advice. That’s exactly what I’ve been yelling at my television every Tuesday night. Just ask my cat. Anyway, while he ain’t no Sarah Brightman, David does what he does and sings a passable version of yet another bland ballad and he’ll easily move on to the next round. And I continue to be bored.
Erin: I would have loved to have seen him sing “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina,” complete with sweeping arm movements and the white suit just to see the confusion on the faces of the David Archuletta Contingency.
So, he sings a “Phantom” ballad while playing “change the pronoun” to make the song fit his Stanley Manly ways. (If he wants to play that game, I’ll go along.) The camera pans to Andy, who looks like he’s sorry he’s ever crossed the Pond.
Anyway, David is safe for another week and will continue turning girls into woman with the power of his voice… and nothing more.

Carly (TV Guide power ranking #4)
Song: “Jesus Christ Superstar” (duh)
Kathy: ALW dings Carly for song choice and once again zeroes in on a contestant’s obvious faults. Can he just show up every week? Perhaps he could replace Paula on the judges’ panel? Would he like to be a guest recapper here on Season Pass? Anway, once Carly sorts out the song choice and dons a cute dress with sleeves, she delivers her first credible performance of the entire season. Way to save yourself Carly. You owe the prolific Brit a big debt of gratitude.
Erin: Thank you, Andy. You rule. You talked Carly out of performing another dreary ballad for “Jesus Christ Superstar,” and for that a grateful nation thanks you. This is a great performance for a few reasons:
1. The outfit is superb
2. Singing about the big JC will score you points in middle America, even if they can’t get the reference.
3. It rescues certain recappers from ballad hell.
And what made Carly really cute was the shirt she held up: “Simon Loves Me (This Week).” It was much better than her original t-shirt, which said “Ask Me About Our Special on Face Tattoos.”

David C. (TV Guide power ranking #1)
Song: “Music of the Night” (“Phantom of the Opera”)
Kathy: Is it just me or does David close the show a lot? Ryan and the producers deftly avoid the David Cook controversy of the week: His CD that was available for download on Amazon and then swiftly pulled by 19 Entertainment and Fox. So, good then, the two viewers who don’t have access to the Internet won’t be affected by that at all.
ALW tells David to let go a little and it’s great advice. Dave half listens and delivers a solid performance that will neither win nor lose him any votes. Looks like smooth sailing for Mr. Cook all the way to the finale. Perhaps he’ll master the new hairstyle by then.
Erin: As Dave takes the stage, I wonder which rock band recently released of a cover of a Webber showtune? Did Chris Cornell sing a slowed down rocker version of “Magical Mr. Mistoffelees” of late? Or maybe Incubus did a sped-up version of “A Lotta Locomotion.”
Surprisingly, David keeps to the original, albeit the Gerard Butler version, sans the painted abs and feathered helmet. It was actually pretty damn sultry. In his pre-perf chat with Andy, the music man explains that this is the sexiest song he’s ever written, and I have to admit, David does it justice. My crush is growing. As my cousin Maya pointed out, “Even Paula likes his ‘beautiful instrument.’” ‘Nuff said.

Best:
Erin: David C., Carly
Kathy: Syesha, Carly

Worst:
Erin: Brooke, Jason
Kathy: Duh. Brooke, Jason

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

Erin: Is it me, or is the sky bluer? It seems bluer today. And the birds are singing sweeter and louder than ever. Even food tastes better. I am just overwhelmed by a sense of well-being. Everything seems right in the world. I wonder why that is? Oh wait…
Last night, the powers that be heard my prayers and Kristy was booted off the show. I know Kristy has a lot of fans, so never fear. She cushioned her fall from grace with a sparkly new engagement ring and by announcing a tour, so this won’t be the last we see of her. Be sure to check your local county fairs and horse shows to catch her two-step renditions of ’60s pop classics.
So while the recession, soaring gas prices and the housing market might have us all down, as least Kristy is no longer in the running to becoming our next “Idol.” Thank you, America. I applaud your choice. I think we’re ready to have ourselves an election now.

Kathy: Not just you Erin. This is very good news, indeed. The sun is a giant lemon drop and unicorns and fairies are frolicking in the fields. And I believe I heard bluebirds and chipmunks speaking to me this morning. Or maybe it was Asia’h and Michael Johns celebrating the happy, happy news. Kristy is finally riding off into the sunset. Oh wait, she can’t “ride off,” she sold her horse? Remember?

Erin: This season, “Idol” has really perfected the art of the mind game. In the beginning, Ryan has folks stepping to the right and the left of the stage with no clear definition. You had Carly on the right side, but David C. on the left. Was he in the bottom three? But he cried? Doesn’t crying score points with chicks anymore? Has America grown dead inside? But than Ryan swapped out David C. with Syesha, and all was right in the world again.
At one point, he placed David A. in the middle and made him the star of “Idol’s” version of “Sophie’s Choice.” “Join the group you think are the top three,” taunted Ryan. As contestants have done in past seasons, David sat in the middle of the stage, unable to choose between his son or his daughter, a move that endeared him to the last five teen girls in the world who were still left undecided on the “David is so hot” political hotbutton issue that’s been dividing the country.
Syesha, Brooke and Kristy were in the bottom three. I had no issues with this. None at all.

Kathy: Amid all my celebrating, I finally pinpointed what’s wrong with “Idol” this season. It’s turned into “Queen for a Day” with all the sob stories. They hardly have time for singing anymore what with all the crying and tales of woe: missed weddings, sold ponies and whatever’s bothering David C. this week. The kids are just all so melancholy and weepy. I long for the days of unabashed goofballs like Kelly Clarkson; life-can’t-get-me-down optimists like Fantasia; or smiles that could light up the stage, like Ruben’s. Heck, even Taylor Hicks was more enjoyable to watch than this clinically depressed bunch. Who told them the way to get votes was to play “whose life sucks the most”?

Erin: My favorite moment of the night? Mariah. The perf was fine, but the best part was the interview with Ryan after the song. It seemed the only point of the one-on-one chit-chat was to highlight how magnificence of Mariah’s hair. She had some wind machine action going on where it was lightly blow back at all times. It was amazing. She’s really an inspiration. When I become rich and famous, I want to followed around with a fan so that I always look like I’m shooting a video. And I want to be professional lit at all times. I can picture it now: eating at the Ivy, or shopping at Buffalo Exchange, with my lighting guy Gary and my wind guy Burt…

Kathy: Was she wearing a skort? And, Erin, did you know she was so tall?

They used a Queen song for the Ford video?! Producers, do you just hate me? What did I ever do to you?

Well, it’s looking more and more like an all-David finale, don’t you think?

Next week, Andrew Lloyd Webber and songs the kids have never heard before.

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

Kathy: It’s Mariah Carey week and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m not a big fan of her music but as celebrity personalities go, it doesn’t get any better than this.

I’ve always kind of been fascinated with Mimi. I loved her back in the day when she was married to her svengali manager, and later, when she dated Derek Jeter and started a fashion trend by cutting the waistbands off all her jeans and even when she stuffed herself into too-tight spandex outfits. I dug her when she melted down on “TRL.” I was amused by her ill-advised attempt at acting — remember “Glitter”? Through all these travails, her career may have dipped a bit it never went in the toilet like those of other pop stars with public relations problems. (You know whom I'm talking about.) Gotta love her. Now, I’m admiring the new, slender, classier Mariah.

Lord knows, she’s got a gigantor catalog of No. 1 hits for the contestants to choose from. But she’s one of those untouchables I keep harping on (along with Whitney, Celine, Xtina and, for me, Queen). Nobody can match that bazillion-octave range, certainly none of this year’s Idols. Nobody should even try. But here they are, forced to. My instinct is that the boys will fare better, if only because they won’t sound as if they are trying, and failing, to imitate her. I’m predicting an all girl bottom 3 this week. We’ll see.
(I wrote the above before the show and, as usual, Simon said exactly what I was thinking. But producers, is it really fair to set up half the contestants to fail?)

Erin: I need to a moment of silence and reflect on the great loss of Michael Johns. Oh Michael, we hardly knew ye. Your memory will triumph on as I cringe through the high-pitched squeals and song-butchering stylings of Kristy, not to mention the rantings of Syesha telling me to believe in myself. I know that there was no way you would have won “Idol,” but I at least expected you to stick for another few weeks. If you need help getting through this ordeal of getting the boot too early in the competish, I suggest you contact Jennifer Hudson or Daughtry. I hear they are doing all right.

Anywho… back to Mariah.
Now, while Kathy embraces the antics and song stylings of Mimi, I’m not the biggest fan. But while her music might not be my cup of tea, I must admit that the lady has a tremendous set of pipes on her. She’s got a gift. A gift that's wrapped up in a package of instability and halter tops at times, but a gift no less.
I agree with Kathy that this will be a difficult situation for the Idols. Well, the girls at least. When a chick attempts  to sing a Mariah song, there will inevitably be comparisons. But for the boys, it will give them a chance to shine as they come up with creative ways to interpret the tunes.

Or both groups will bore us to death with ballads. It can go either way.

Beginning audience camera pans reveal Minnie Driver and Teri Hatcher in the audience.

David A. (TV Guide power ranking #2)
Song: “When You Believe”
Erin: Once again the kid is in his element, so he shines like a diamond. David A. lost a little face over the weeks due to his issues with Beatles songs and a deep unabiding love for obscure Canadian ballads, but the last two weeks he’s returned to the top, despite the falsetto and leather pants. This song is the exactly why teen girls love, love, love him.
Kathy: Leather pants. Oh my.
Mariah did this as a duet with Whitney so it really had that double-whammy potential for failure. But since he’s a boy, the judges all loved it. Had Syesha busted out with this song, she would have been slammed. Did he do much with the song? No. Is he safe for another week? You betcha. I really don’t get the appeal of this kid. But I’m not 12 so there you go.

Carly (TV Guide power ranking #5)
Song: “Without You”
Erin: I’m amused that Mariah called her own song a classic. Carly brought down the range to her level of singing ability, but in doing that, came off as too restrained and low key. It was very technical and lacked a lot of passion. I thought it was mediocre at best.
Kathy: Carly says it’s been boring without Michael Johns. I hear ya, sister!
And I was also amused that Mariah called this a classic, then I realized it was a cover of someone else’s song. Badfinger, as it turns out. Thank you wikipedia.
At least Carly wore sleeves this week. That might stave off elimination this time around. But the girl has got to start investing herself in the songs. To borrow Simon’s favorite insult, she really is very much a cruise ship singer. She’s fine if you’re floating down the Panama Canal enjoying some beef Wellington and chocolate mousse but she’s not the kind of singer who’s going to collect Grammys and sell out arenas. She’s just lacking that certain magic that makes you want to plunk down your hard earned cash for tickets.

Syesha (TV Guide power ranking #7)
Song: “Vanishing”
Erin: Nope. This song doesn’t ring a bell, which could be a good thing. Picking obscure songs is the way to go with the girls to avoid any comparison, but it gives even hardcore Mariah lovers nothing to grasp onto. To her credit, Syesha is  hitting all the high notes like Naomi Campbell hits the help.
Kathy: Is it just me or did these first three songs all sound exactly like one another?
Poor, poor Syesha. She just can’t win with these judges. For weeks she’s been criticized for singing songs that are too familiar thus inviting comparisons to the original. So she puts on her thinking cap, chooses a more obscure song that suits her voice and then the judges ding her for not choosing a song people know. What is she supposed to do? Well, Syesha, at least your stint on “Idol” may boost your fledgling acting career.

Brooke (TV Guide power ranking #4)
Song: “Hero”
Erin: Brooke bypasses the high notes altogether to match her Joni Mitchell/Tori Amos/Carly Simon vibe. In doing that, the tune works on a certain level, but nothing I haven’t seen at the mall when they hire the holiday singers for shoppers. Simon calls her a hamburger without the meat, and she does this cute pouty thing.
Oh Brooke, you just might have missed your sister’s wedding for nothing.
Kathy: I was really kind of hoping the resident good girl would sing "Touch My Body." Alas. Brooke tried something a little daring and it almost, sort of, worked. She missed some notes here and there, but at least she wasn’t doing a strict imitation of Mariah. I think she deserves props for attempting to put a spin on the proceedings. And she wore a great dress, I’ll give her that much. How this all devolved into an argument among the judges about fast food fare, I’ll never know.

Kristy Lee (TV Guide power ranking #6)
Song: “Forever”
Erin: A perfect song that accurately describes what it felt like to listen to Kristy sing. At this point, it’s clear that all the girls have the same gameplan and are steering clear of the hits to avoid comparisons. Thus creating one of the most boring nights on “Idol” yet. Mariah told Kristy that her version of the song gave her goosebumps. I’m pretty sure it was shingles.
Still not a fan of the chick and her country-fried song stylings. As she struggles through the ballad, it makes me miss my saucy Aussie even more. Each high note is like a dagger. A dagger that was been bedazzled and covered in sprinkles and has Kristy’s name written on the side in puffy paint.
Kathy: Another shiny outfit and another song that sounds just like the first three. And, I’m bored to death. Did Kristy sell her pizzazz along with her pony?

Erin: Man, the ladies are not faring very well at all. Now I see why Mariah chose to avoid "Idol" for so many years.
Kathy: I don’t know how they pick the order of the performances but who’s the genius who decided to lump all the girls in the middle of the show, knowing full well they’d struggle with this week’s assignment? It was like an engraved invitation for the non-recapping audience to tune out. But if you had tuned out, you would have missed the turning point of the season…

David C. (TV Guide power ranking #1)
Song: “Always Be My Baby”
Erin: I was kind of hoping he would rock out to “Fantasy,” but David C. still delivers the goods with a Nickelback-esque version of the Mariah tune. Looks like the boy is back on top after last week’s fiasco.
Hey, maybe I can rebound with David C.? I did feel a pang of jealously when that dancer felt him up at the “Idol Gives Back” perf. Naw, it’s probably best if I don’t get too attached. I like David C., but my track record at picking “Idol” winners is not the best.
Oh, but he’s tearing up. That’s so cute.
Kathy: Finally. I’ve finally seen the performance of the season. The kind that validates all the hours I spend with this show. That little jolt of humility he got last week seems to have done him a world of good. I imagine Mr. Cook really had trouble wrapping his head around the task at hand this week. Mariah isn’t exactly in his wheelhouse. But he took a ballad nobody probably ever wanted to hear again and made it something special. Bravo! At last, I believe somebody deserves to win this thing.

Jason (TV Guide power ranking #3)
Song: “I Don’t Want to Cry”
Erin: Erin: Does anyone else out there think that Jason looks exactly like Clifford from “Muppets Tonight”? Am I alone on this?
“Idol’s” posterboy for the legalization of marijuana gives the Mimi song a Caribbean feel, sans the steel drum. And honestly, it works in his favor. Like all of his male cohorts, he did well with the song because he made it different enough to not be boring.
Kathy: He does have a bit of a Clifford vibe going on.
Being a boy really didn’t help Jason at all, if you ask me. He was no better than David A. and three of the girls. There was no risk, no attempt to make us forget the original version. Nothing special at all here for me.

Best
Erin: All the boys
Kathy: David C. by a huge margin

Bottom 3
Erin: Pick three girls
Kathy: Carly, Syesha, Kristy

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

This is just… wrong.

Michael Johns has been eliminated. Erin was so unglued she couldn't even muster the energy to write, except to say "There is no God."

I blame the neckwear. Also, I hadn't noticed how much Michael talked about "dreams" until I saw his exit video. But still, he should have outlasted Syesha and Kristy and probably Carly.

Damn. Erin and I will go lick our wounds and be back next week. : (

Also, Jordin Sparks performed her duet with Chris Brown and received several gold record plaques without having to endure the mind-numbing Clive Davis speech.

And the video messages from the presidential candidates finally resurfaced. Whew.

— Kathy Lyford

Your friendly neighborhood recappers managed to score a set of tickets  to "Idol Gives Back." The videos were heartbreaking and the stories of courage were inspiring. But we're here to make fun of people. Let the hijinks ensue.

We really were provided with the full spectrum of talent. And the better perfs were a stark reminder of just what's missing from "Idol" this season. Star power.

The Good
Erin: The evening kicked off with the would-be "Idols" singing Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music" to a bunch of breakdancers from "So You Think You Can Dance." While the dancers were good, I couldn't help but wonder why they couldn't utilize the talents of "America's Best Dance Crew.'' My sis pointed out that it's not like Fysh N' Chicks are doing anything right now or recently competed in a reality show where they won anything. It's not like I'm asking for them to bring out JabbaWockeeZ, but I'm pretty sure that BreakSk8 are free, unless they got  that call for "Xanadu."
Kathy: At least they didn't let the Idols, or as I like to call them "The Elaine Benes 8ight," do their own moves.

Erin: The Fergie and Heart pairing was inspired. First off, since Carly managed to sing a large portion of the Heart catalog over the past season, this left only one Heart song to cover: "Barracuda." Throw in Fergie and her one-handed somersaults that  she learned in her "Kids Inc." days, and you have gold, my friend. Pure gold.
Kathy: My first thought when Fergie came out was "Does this mean Josh Duhamel is here?!'' My second thought was "Those rubber leggings are pretty hot'' followed closely by "Her body is sick!'' I must admit, I've never been a huge fan of the Ferg but I am now. The girl's got pipes. And she could probably join Cirque du Soleil with those moves!

Kathy: The ethereal, magical, transcendent Annie Lennox, singing Jimmy Cliff's "Many Rivers to Cross.'' Perfection!

Mariah Carey closed the show. Girl looks hot! She's not only lost weight, she's toned. The gay contingent went nuts.

Sarah Silverman was funny. Jimmy Kimmel, not so much.

Carrie Underwood wore an iridescent dress that reminded Erin of a ghetto auto paint job. Sometimes gold, sometimes pink. All she needed was spinning hubcaps to complete the look. But she sure can sing.

I'm not sure where to put Miley Cyrus. I'm certain the 12-year-olds in the aud were thrilled but her magic doesn't work on me. Of course, in my generation, it was Debbie Gibson so I have no room to talk. I will say, as someone old enough to be her mother, she's a little too sexualized for a 15-year-old.

As Daughtry performed in Africa, one thought occurred to me: "How the hell did Taylor Hicks beat him in season 5?''

The Bad
Erin: Did you know that you can have videos of celebs and bands, and that counts as an appearance? According to the "Idol''  website, Kiefer Sutherland, Jennifer Connolly, Celine Dion, Chris Daughtry and Forest Whitaker were to partake in the  festivities, but all we got were videos. Using this logic, I would like to say that thanks to my DVD collection and YouTube, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Daniel-Day Lewis, Debbie Harry and the entire cast of 1981's ``Circus of the Stars'' will be attending my Seder.

While watching Bono talks about the plight in Africa, Kathy leaned over me and whispered the immortal words, "He looks  exactly like Robin Williams." And he does. And it was scary.
Kathy: I can't even look at him anymore

Erin: Using Paula and Randy to chat about America's obesity issue was probably not the greatest call on the part of the  producers. While Randy is not as large and in charge as he used to be, he's also not ready for a photo spread in "Men's  Fitness.'' Paula attempted to play basketball in her video, but it was apparent that she took her meds before she decided  to partake in physical activity.
Kathy: And didn't Paula famously suffer from bulimia? Nice couple of role models for the kids there, producers.

Erin: Robin Williams' "comedy" bit about Russian Idol was interminable. I didn't realize that it's OK now to poke fun of an entire nation of people in a dated and confusing manner. Isn't Moscow one of the most expensive cities in the world now? It seems to me that Mother Russia is doing just fine and dandy. I almost expected him to break out with the Ethiopian jokes.
Kathy: Can we create another category beyond ``bad.'' First of all, he stole Variety editor Tim Gray's joke: "Putin on the Ritz.'' That was a Weekly Variety headline about six weeks ago. The rest of his shtick
was from 1984 and wasn't funny then either. And it seemed in especially poor taste when you're trying to give the audience a taste of people in need worldwide. Ugh.

Robin Williams, Jim Carrey (via video), Rob Schneider (via video), David Spade. Were they just deliberately trying to round up everyone who irritates me? Where's Tom Green while you're at it?

By the way, is some of the money going to go toward feeding Posh?

Erin: While I'm sure that Gloria Estefan has a strong and apparently loyal fan base that have kept her in bedazzled crop coats and leggings throughout the years, her appearance rivaled that of a top performance of a family act from Disneyland's  Tomorrowland stage. To her credit, she didn't sing either "Conga'' or "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You.''

Missing in Action
The "Idol'' site also promised Amy Adams, Ashley Tisdale and Maroon 5, but we didn't even get a video. They might edit it  in before the telecast, but still...
Kathy: Hey wasn't that Ashley Tisdale in a video with Vanessa Hudgens? Or am I getting my Ashleys who've recently had nosejobs mixed up?
Erin: Oh wait, you're right. I forgot about that.

The Bloopers
Erin: Reese Witherspoon was called up to the stage to talk the charity she was supporting when a technical error ruined her initial take: "Pretend you never saw me.'' Adorable
Kathy: She's so darn cute I can hardly stand it.

Erin: Brad Pitt also had a few tech issues. As the femme tech walked out on stage to fix his mike, she shouted to the aud, ``I  just wanted to touch him.''
Kathy: Hey, they left that in!

The Ugly
Erin: While I generally accept people from all walks of life, I must say that I'm now scared for the younger generation. As a  hoard of younguns passed Kath and I dressed in bedazzled cropped jackets and matching leggings, the initial thought would  be that they would eventually take the stage in some kiddie dance routine. But I soon realized that it was a group of BFFs whose Alpha Dog leader dragged the rest of the group into her tragic fashion decisions.

Nixed from the broadcast:
John Legend, Fergie's solo perf and the vids from the three presidential candidates. At the Kodak, Obama and Clinton got about an equal amount of cheers while McCain's initial cheers were drowned out by raucous boos.

Filmed at another  time at the "Idol" studio:

A Carrie Underwood/"Desperate Housewives" skit with Teri Hatcher singing Carrie's "Before He Cheats" with the Band From TV. For this they axed John Legend?

The Idols manning the phones. Hey look, it's Amanda!

The Idols performing "A Year in the Life" from "Rent."

- Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

P.S.
We poke fun but of course we encourage everyone to give whatever you can.

Erin: The theme of tonight's "Idol" is puppies, rainbows, America, mom, dad, small children, hugs, mountain rain and unicorns. That's right folks: this week, the kids tackle inspirational songs.

Kathy: "Idol Gives Back Week" is all about shining a light on those less fortunate and donating to help people living in unimaginable poverty, suffering with AIDS or recovering from the devastating effects of a natural disaster. Leave it to this particular crop of Idols, then, to make it all about them. Tasked with singing an "inspirational song" nearly all of them chose one that said "look at me and the story of my harrowing journey to reality television. Never stop dreaming and believing in yourself people!"

I was at the taping and here are the things you folks at home didn't see.

Randy's bodyguard is smaller than he is.
The judges disappear backstage at every opportunity.
The stage, the audience and Seacrest are much smaller than they appear on television.
The singers sounds much better in person than they do on TV.
Paula was wearing the most hideous outfit imaginable and her poor boobs were so smashed they thought they were getting a mammogram.
Spotted in the crowd: Sinbad and Eric McCormack (not together).

Michael
Fashion faux pas: Another damn ascot
Song: "Dream On" (Aerosmith)
Cheese factor: 2
Kathy: He sang this pretty well but Randy and Simon were right, it did sound a bit like a rock star imitation. Still, I hope you enjoyed it because it was all downhill from here.
Erin: Michael continues to champion the ascot cause again. It's just not working for me. There are only so many jokes about Fred from "Scooby Doo" that I can make.
The Thunder from Down Under sings "Dream On," which is not a good sign. Not because he doesn't rock, which he does, but because this would usually be the song that would land in the middle of the show to break up the monotony of ballads. Since it's in the beginning, my guess is that the rest of the show will be a downhill slide into tunes about love and friendship.

Syesha
Fashion faux pas: Hair looked like Don King's with a part
Song: "I Believe" (Fantasia)
Cheese factor: 8
Kathy: Um, never sing a former Idol's signature song, particularly the victory ballad from a former Idol with as distinctive a sound as Fantasia.  Sy, honey, please choose something by a less well known artist and sing the bejesus out of it. It's your only hope.

Erin: It's never a good sign when my gag reflex kicks in during the description of the song. I have never heard this song, but even before Syesha begins to sing, I take a blind guess that the word "rainbow" will appear within the first verse. I need to play the Lotto more often. I agree with Kathy. She's not Fantasia, so she falls flat.

Jason
Fashion faux pas: The Mister Rogers cardigan. Also I heard a gaggle of tweens talking about how hot he would be with "normal hair."
Song: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" (Israel Kamakawiwo'ole version, with ukulele)
Cheese factor: 5
Kathy: Those who had not ever heard Iz's version, like Simon,  might have enjoyed this performance. Those who were quite familiar with it, like me, would have found it an emotionless, pale imitation.
Erin: Jason apparently caught "The Wizard of Oz" on TV last night while coming home from a munchie run. I think it's  actually an inspired choice for him and he gets to show off his mad ukulele skills. But since I'm so used to seeing him with a guitar, the longshots look a little strange - like he's a giant from the land of kindbud.

Kristy
Fashion faux pas: Another shiny top
Song: "Anyway" (Martina McBride)
Cheese factor: 9
Kathy: My country music-loving companion, upon hearing what Kristy was going to sing, said "Oh no, never sing Martina!" Apparently Martina is country's version of Whitney. I am boycotting Kristy so I have no opinion.
Erin: I loved how all of the judges where giving her these strange backhanded compliments. Randy said, "It was very good...for you." And Simon told her she was "appealing to your audience." This is "Idol" speak for: "You continue to suck, but now you are elevating the suckiness to an artform that many people with no taste can enjoy."

Hey look, our pal Mike Darnell, Fox's reality guru, made it on TV! I was sitting right behind his parents so I'm glad I only had nice things to say.

David C.
Fashion faux pas: White Sgt. Pepper jacket. Also hair was somewhere between combover and rocker spiky.
Song: "Innocent" (Our Lady Peace) with guitar
Cheese factor: 4
Kathy: Probably front-runner David's weakest performance to date. Simon called it "pompous." Paula noted "the inspirational thing you did on your hand," which sounds mildly dirty to me.
Erin: The first note he hits reminds me of Crash Test Dummies. This is not a good thing. His perf was just...not good. He was all over the place with the notes and it just seemed out of sorts. Even a walk
through the audience couldn't save him. This might mean the end of David Cook, which breaks my heart. If he leaves, we are officially out of rockers.

Carly
Fashion faux pas: Still no sleeves
Song: "Show Must Go On" (Queen)
Cheese factor: Began a 6, but anger turned it into a 2
Kathy: I did not give you permission to sing Freddie Mercury, missy. I am officially done with you. This lousy performance will probably be Carly's undoing
Erin: I think Carly is trying to melt the cameraman with her steely gaze. She is just so angry. Living in L.A. can do that to you. At one point, I'm starting to take it personally. It's like she's channeling
Wolf from "American Gladiators." The song just wasn't a good fit. It wasn't engaging. Just scary.

David A.
Fashion faux pas: monochromatic outfit needed a pop of color.
Song: "Angels" (Robbie Williams) with piano
Cheese factor: 34
Kathy: Young David and his dad once again wheeled their virtual shopping cart down the "obscure treacly ballad" aisle of the iTunes store. He sang it well, but really, who cares? Aside from the screeching pre-pubescent girls in the audience of course.
Erin: I'm convinced he picked the theme of tonight's show. This is a kid with 80 gigs of inspirational music on his iPod. There is a good chance that even when the cameras are off, he's just wandering the streets of
the city randomly singing about angels.

Brooke
Fashion faux pas: Shapeless dress
Song: "You've Got A Friend" (Carole King)
Cheese factor: 8
Kathy: Very nice rendition of a very nice song by a very nice contestant. Poor Brooke is fading fast.
Erin: Did you know that when you smile, you can repress your gag reflex? It's totally true. But then it looks like you are enjoying the performance. I scared my roommate.
Brooke sang this tune like she wondered onto the set of "High School Musical," only she's one of the unpopular kids that are forced to the back of the gym. This song epitomizes all that bad with inspirational
music. But then she did the devil sign to the audience, but was just confusing. Actually, maybe it's not. Maybe all these years I just missed the obvious. Maybe inspirational music is the devil's music. God, it all
make sense now.

Best:
Kathy: Michael
Erin: Michael

Bottom 3:
Kathy: Carly, Syesha, Brooke
Erin: David C., Krissy, Syesha,

- Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

Hey folks, Erin here. Poor Kathy. I think we lost her. "Top Model," "Top Chef," "American Idol". . .all on Wednesday night. Throw in her normal work load, and we have one tired recapper. So, I'll take the lead on this one before Kathy loses the ability to distinguish between real life and reality life.

Anywho…

On this week's results show, we get the lovely Dolly singing her little heart out, a group rendition of "9 to 5" (I knew there was a reason no one sang it last night), some band from another reality universe singing a Sunday School ditty, more inane questions from viewers at home and other stuff that I have now repressed. (I seem to be doing a lot of repressing these days. My therapist is already less than thrilled with the fact that the only tidbits I can share with him are about "Idol" or "Rock of Love.")

So, let's get down to the elimination:

I am now convinced that Kristy is the Roadrunner of reality TV. Every week, we (and by "we," I mean "I") expect her to get voted off, or at the very least, an anvil to drop on her from off a nearby cliff, but she seems to avoid each trap with unexpected skill and dexterity.

So this week, Ramiele was sacrificed to the "Idol" gods in place of Kristy, which wasn't much of surprise, but just not in the order I was hoping for.

It's at this point in the show that I realize how much I underestimate Ryan. As Kathy said a few weeks ago, he does a great job of talking exiting contestants off the ledge when they are on the brink of hysteria.
Poor Ramiele looked like she wasn't going to hold it together for much longer, yet Ryan managed to get her to sing, think about the positive experiences of the show, and prove to her that life on "Idol" would be different without her. According to Ryan, without Ramiele, Mr. Potter would have closed the bank years ago, leaving "American Idol" contestants to lives of sorrow and pity. Carly would end up an old maid, David C. would have become a homeless drunkard due to a mistake at the pharmacy…

Is the "It's a Wonderful Life" thing doing anything for you? I'll stop now.

Tune in next week as Kristy narrowly escapes a large box propped up with stick tied to a string.

— Erin Maxwell

Erin: It’s Dolly!

You have to understand, I adore Dolly Parton. For the many people that know me, I understand that this seems strange contradiction to my usual musical preferences, but I adore this five-foot miracle of modern science. I love that she defies physics, I love that she has a theme park, I love that she embraces the fact that not a single part of her appearance was developed outside of a doctor’s office or a wig shop, and I love her down-home attitude. She’s the polar opposite of my other idol, Siouxsie.

See, I have layers. Anywho...

The kids on “Idol” look to the honky-tonk muse for this week’s theme, which has me worried. Outside of Whitney Houston covers, “9 to 5,” “Islands in the Stream” and snippets of Stallone duets from early morning HBO showings of “Rhinestone,” I think the contestants would be hard pressed to name a Dolly song offhand. Regardless, Her Bustiness has an almost magical effect on the group, giving life to many of the dead-in-the-water hopefuls like an angel in a Lifetime holiday movie. Sure, this doesn’t stop many of them from sucking, but she inspires them to suck in a whole new way.

Kathy: I am not quite the fan that Erin is but, really, what’s not to like? Plus, the woman has written 3,000 songs. That’s a lot of songs people! And who knew it would take Dolly Parton to salvage this so-far dismal Top 12 portion of the season? After the utter crap we’ve sat through the past three weeks, this was a veritable highlight reel. Most of the kids raised their game. I said most. And we had the first truly memorable perf of the season. Except for Simon’s annual country music hatefest, it was a very enjoyable hour.

Brooke (TV Guide power ranking #4)
Song: "Jolene" (with guitar)
Erin: Now, I’ve riding the anti-Brooke bandwagon ever since the “Love is a Battlefield” Massacre of ’08, but I think she did a great job here. Really. But for some reason, the judges don’t agree with me. This sets the tone for the  rest of the night, in which Randy and Simon pretend not to be dead inside while Paula pretends not to be hammered.
Kathy: I have always loved Brooke and I think she sang this song really well. She did seem to rush it a bit, but it can’t be easy to cut songs down to 90 seconds. It’s not as if they couldn’t give them more time to sing. Maybe cut out one iTunes plug per show? Or one shot of a former “Idol” contestant who refuses to move on? Also, she probably smiled a bit too much for a song about aching jealousy and loss.
Paula “Run-On Sentence” Abdul: “Brooke what’s great about you is that you’re consistent, you are what you are, you put your heart and soul into and you have an emotional connection with each song that you pick I think that’s what record companies and executives want you are Brooke White excellent and wonderful and beautiful.”

Hey, look it’s Vanna White!

David C. (TV Guide power ranking #1)
Song: “Little Sparrow” (with guitar)
Erin: Unable to find an emo version of a Dolly song on either MySpace or Limewire, David must develop his own take on the diva swansong. He sounded a little a reformed Christian alt rock band that hides their secret love of Jesus behind a guitar riff. (Yes, I’m looking at you, Puddle of Mud.) But it’s good. And let’s all applaud his new haircut. The combover is dead. Long live the chunky rocker bangs.
I heard that after the show, he was taken to the hospital, which makes the perf all the more awesome. Way to sing through  the pain, kid.
Kathy: Hospital? Poor David!
I’ve been hard on David the past few weeks, mostly because I felt he was turning into a one-note performer. With a gigantic ego. But I gotta admit it, he was great tonight. And his haircut is a huge improvement. I’ll even forgive him for working an iTunes plug into his pre-perf interview. Also, it’s becoming obvious that, in addition to his hatred of country music, Simon has something against birds.
PROSA: "I like your haircut, I can see your, I like it, YAW HAW…let me tell you something I’ve never heard a guy do that song, it’s so, uh, it was fantastic it’s fantastic hearing you do the and going into your false and with strength and it shows how well rounded you are as an art."

Ramiele (TV Guide power ranking #8)
Song: “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?”
Erin: Behold the amazing effects of the great Dolly. Ramiele didn’t drift down the stairs in a dazed stupor, she didn’t lull us into a coma with a dreary ballad, and she isn’t wearing high-waisted pants. On the other hand, she wasn’t good either, but as least she mixed things up. It was a solid mediocre performance.
Kathy: When is somebody going to help this girl pick out her clothes? Everything she wears makes her look like an Oompa Loompa. Her performance was fine though.
PROSA: I’m proud of you, I’m very proud of you because I was a little worried that you that this you weren’t going to connect but I think that you really had a great minute and 30 seconds and you really connected with the audience and you had fun!

Erin: During the commercial break, Dolly reunites orphans with their families, shows Constantine the true meaning of word  “friendship” and sends out a message of hope and love around the world through the use of silver lame clothing.
Kathy: Constantine is like that pesky houseguest that just won’t go away. I’m pretty sure the producers must just look at one another every week and say “OK, fess up, who got him tickets this week?” When’s he going to move on and stop riding the “Idol” train? Also, I haven’t forgiven him for calling Erin a vampire.

Jason (TV Guide power ranking #6)
Song: “Travelin’ Thru” (with guitar)
Erin: I’m not the biggest Jason fan, but you know who is? That bongo player. The guy has been waiting in the sidelines of “Idol” for seven seasons, and now he is finally getting a good workout this year thanks to the adorable Dead Head. This performance confirms my theory that “Idol” producers will be using Blues Traveler in the finale for the celeb/contestant pair off.
Kathy, why does Jason insist on treating “Idol” like a cameo in a Cheech and Chong movie? I swear, in the next episode he is not even going to hide it. He’s just going to wander onto the stage eating a Moonpie and talking about how “The Dark Crystal” is better than “Akira.”
Kathy: And smoking a doobie. I love that Dolly called him “funky lookin’.” All I have to say is that Simon better watch out because I think Jason’s crazy, postcard-obsessed stalker might hunt him down.
PROSA: "To me this was one of your strongest performances you let you seemed so comfortable…you let go your voice sounded so strong and rich and you were confident it was great and I loved it."

Carly (TV Guide power ranking #5)
Song: Surprisingly not “I Will Always Love You,” which means Syesha will do it. Instead, it’s “Here You Come Again”
Erin: She was great, although Simon has no love for her, or the wardrobe people. I’m really not in tune with the judges this week. They seem really harsh.
Paula picked a fight with Randy about last week’s perfs, presumably because she had a moment of clarity and needed to get it out of her system before she forgot again.
Kathy: I thought she sang this song extremely well, but a robot brings more depth and emotion to songs than she does. Is it just me? Also, Simon flat out lies and says he loves country music.
PROSA: "Carly that was glorious, you are such an amazing talent you are beautiful… that voice of yours ohmygod and you look great."

iTunes plug!!!!

David A. (TV Guide power ranking #2)
Song: “Smoky Mountain Memories”
Erin: All over the world, teenage girls are hugging “Tiger Beats” to their chest and planning make-believe weddings as David A. gets back on track as this year’s “Idol” front-runner. Yep folks, the kid is back.
Kathy: You know, he hit every note, but I didn’t like it. He’s just a weird kid. He’s like a little old man in a child’s body. I now believe the reports that his father is picking his songs for him. Or maybe his great-grandfather is.
PROSA: "An amazing tone in your voice, you’re strong, you have a beautiful aura about you, you’re just glorious."

Oh my God!! Michael Kors is in the audience!!!!!

Kristy Lee (TV Guide power ranking #7)
Song: “The Coat of Many Colors”
Erin: Yep. Here comes Kristy to ruin another perfectly good hour of “Idol” for me. And since it’s Dolly and country Western music, I had a sinking feeling that she was going to do well. As she took the stage, her eyes seemed to say to me: “You’re in my house now, bitch.” But luckily, her song performance had another message: “Huh?” She was boring and forgettable and I want her to go away.
Kathy: I too, thought “Oh God, this is really going to be Kristy’s week, damn it!” Thankfully, she sucked. If she doesn’t go this week I am boycotting her the rest of the season.
PROSA: "You look stunning tonight you really do and you look like a beautiful…you just gave a beautiful performance I think this is your best performance I do."

Syesha (TV Guide power ranking #9)
Song: See? Told you.
Erin: Gag. Syesha talks about the emotional connection she has with the song, which I find a little hard to swallow. Syesha ends the perf by nailing the big note, which is slightly impressive until you remember that at least three contestants in the Miss America Pageant master this feat each year. She fails to impress the trio.
A note to future Idols: Never, ever sing Whitney unless it’s a post-Bobby song. You will ultimately fail.
Also, Syesha looks as if she’s wearing a disc on her head.
Kathy: The second I heard Dolly was coming I thought “Well, Syesha will sing ‘I Will Always Love You’ despite my best efforts to steer her away from Whitney.” I actually thought she did a really great job on this, although that coy little smile didn’t really help her convey the meaning of the song. And, ultimately, it doesn’t matter. No matter how well you sing Whitney, you are standing in the master’s massive shadow and you cannot win. Why won’t Syesha listen to me?
PROSA: “Syesha you look beautiful that color is gorgous on you and let’s talk about your voice, your voice has when you are in that it’s like a velvety tune to your voice that you’re like that’s it for you… I just think you’re growing and growing and gowing and you’re connecting with the audience so much more and I love it I love it.”

Michael (TV Guide power ranking #3)
Song: “It’s All Wrong, But It’s All Right”
Erin: Really? An ascot? In this day and age? I thought those things died out with the Scooby Gang, Thurston Howell III and  the members of “the Hair Bear Bunch.” Mike does a bluesy cool version of the Dolly ballad. Still a favorite in my book.
Kathy: I’ll tell you what’s all wrong: The dirty thoughts I have about Michael every time he’s on stage. I’m sorry, Erin, I know he’s your man but I can’t help it. I give you permission to sing “Jolene” to me. Also, for me, this was the closest thing to a memorable performance we’ve seen all season. Good job Michael!
PROSA: “I just want to say one thing it’s interesting tonight all some of you don’t know the songs… I’m going to talk real fast… but because they’re great melodies and great hooks Dolly Parton’s amazing you’re a star a rock star”… and my Tivo mercifully cut it off there.

Best
Erin: David C., Michael
Kathy: David C., Michael, Syesha

Bottom 3:
Erin: Ramiele, Kristy, Syesha
Kathy: Kristy, Ramiele, Jason

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

I haven’t decided which task is more difficult: The job of “American Idol” producers attempting to fill a 62-minute show with 5 minutes worth of content, or attempting to fill a recap about said content.

In this hour, “Idol” attempts to keep viewers tuned in with iTune plugs, a singalong, a video, a songwriting contest, the return of Kimberley Locke, questions from the viewers and, of course, giving one hopeful the boot.

So, what were the highlights?:

Kathy: Not a one of those kids can dance. Did you watch during the singalong? Kristy does this weird limp-wristed thing with her left hand, Brooke has all the rhythm of Elaine Benes and Jason moves like Axl Rose.

Kathy: Carly denies reports that she’s pregnant and admits that she wore Spanx on Tuesday night. And Seacrest knows precisely what Spanx are. Oh my.

Erin: Idol once again offers a chance to failed singer-songwriters to pen a tune for the final. After a clip of Jordan singing last year’s ditty, I’m starting to think this is not that hard of a task. Behold:

This is the first line of the song,
It's about how life can be hard.
But don't worry, I'll come along,
By using rhymes that will embarrass the Bard.

CHORUS
This is the chorus,
This is the chorus
I won Idol and scored a Ford Taurus,
This is the chorus

In the second verse,
I'll sing about hope,
And name drop Jesus or God,
If I’m desperate, I’ll mention the Pope,
I'll try not to make the rhymes too odd

CHORUS
This third verse has a big high note,
Where I prove how awesome I am.
I remind viewers that I have a golden throat,
And show the world this isn't too much of a scam

CHORUS

I think I missed my calling.

Kathy: By God, Erin, I think you’re on to something. With a little polish I think we could actually submit that. And perhaps sell it on iTunes, which has a deal with “Idol,” in case you hadn’t heard. Maybe we can add a line about iTunes and Coca-Cola and one about mall openings and county fairs in the winner’s future? Or how finishing third or fifth seems to pay off? Which segues nicely into…

Erin: Kimberley is doing great. She’s lost weight, owns a restaurant, and has reaffirmed there is life outside “Idol” that doesn't involve the TV Guide channel.

Kathy: I always loved Kimberley and believe to this day that she should have won season 2. Great to see her doing so well. But that dress made her look as if she’d gained weight not lost it. It might be the most unflattering dress I’ve ever seen.

Erin: According the TMZ, Christian Siriano from Project Runway designed Kim’s dress.

Kathy: Oh, that explains it. And confirms that I was right about Christian not being able to design for anyone but Posh.

Bottom 3: Syesha, Chikezie, Jason

At the end, Sanjaya’s, er, I mean Kristy’s jingoistic ploy worked and she once again ducked the ax, which hit Chikezie square in the face. Bye Chikezie, I’ll miss you and your one awesome song. Chikezie can now go dust off his orange suit and reclaim his discarded surname and return to his previous life.

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

The theme this week is "a song from the year you were born." So, basically, it’s ’80s week again. That’s right folks, most of these kids were born in the 1980s. Wrap your brain around that one. Michael and little David each just barely missed the decade, in opposite directions. Erin, I’ll be recapping the rest of the show from my rocking chair. (Thank God the show is now only 90 minutes. That’s 30 minutes of my life I get back every week.)

Nothing says “You’re closer to the shroud” like showing talented tykes born in a year you clearly remember. When David A. was born, I went to my first Spring Fling. Share the chair, Kath. I’m just a few months away from chasing kids off my lawn and earning the title of “Neighborhood Crazy Lady.”

A moment of silence for Amanda please… Oh, rocker nurse. I shall miss you and your one-trick pony ways. Good luck and God bless.

And back to the show…

On the vidclips, moms and dads hype up the fruit of their loins while “Idol” contestants chat about Astrological signs and moments from their childhoods. We’ll choose the best moment from each clip.

Ramiele (TV Guide power ranking #8)
Vidclip tidbit: She used to bite other kids. She could still bite people on the ankles.
Song: “Alone” (Heart, 1987)
Kathy: Finally, the little girl with the big voice chooses a song with some big notes. Perhaps next week she could try hitting some of those notes. Also, another terrible outfit.
Erin: Her performance sets the tone of the night and the real theme of the show: Songs from the DMV Line. Boring, boring, boring.
Paula Abdul and her fingerless gloves: "I give you a lot of brave."

Jason (TV Guide power ranking #5)
Vidclip tidbit: He can’t pronounce “Aries.”
Song: “Fragile” (Sting, 1987) — with guitar
Kathy: I hated this song when Sting sang it. I hate it even more now. Even Jason admits he could spend a little more time practicing.
Erin: This Sting song fits his coffeehouse vibe. If I saw him play, I would totally throw a buck into his open guitar case. And then never think of him again. Simon was right on the money when he said that Jason was in his own world, which probably consists of a lot of Phish posters and black lights.

Syesha (TV Guide power ranking #9)
Vidclip tidbit: She cried a lot as a baby. And proves it with the crying baby imitation. Again.
Song: “If I Were Your Woman” (Gladys Knight, 1987)
Kathy: She hits all the notes but I am distracted by the way she sings “If I WAS Your Woman.” Bad grammar will win you no points with me, young lady.
Erin: First off, the baby crying thing she does in not endearing. It’s creepy and gross and it needs to stop. As for the song, technically speaking, she hits all the notes. That said, I just don’t care. I am sick of ballads. It’s only three songs in to the show and I’m ready to check out how the skanks on “Rock of Love.”

Chikezie (TV Guide power ranking #10)
Vidclip tidbit: Used to sing to his mom but didn’t know the words
Song: “If Only for One Night” (Luther Vandross, 1985)
Kathy: Awful song, awful performance. Chikezie is boring beyond his years.
Erin: “It’s like Luther Vandross was the ‘Last King of Scotland.’” — roommate Paula.
I’m done. Really. “American Idol” crushed my spirit and won the war against my patience. The only reason I’m still watching it is because I hurt my neck at the gym and I can’t get up to turn the channel. Chikezie gives us another boring ballad of another song I would never listen to willingly.

Brooke (TV Guide power ranking #3)
Vidclip tidbit: Plays piano by ear
Song: “Every Breath You Take” (Police, 1983) — with piano and straightened hair
Kathy: She messed up the very first note, stopped, then started over. If this had been a gymnastics meet, that would have been an automatic 1 point deduction. Instead the judges seem to find it admirable. She hit all the notes after that first bum one and it was, you know, fine. But the words were clipped and sung with no feeling. I really missed that stalker vibe Sting brought to the song.
Erin: Brooke takes a perfect good song about stalking and obsession and gives it a G-rated twist. Now it’s a song about a loved one, probably a family member like Grandma, looking over a young precious tyke with adoring eyes. “I’ll be watching you,” she whispers as her grandchild plays with other scamps in the schoolyard. See that? I just made it creepier.

Now you can design the judges’ coke cups?! Please stop. Just stop.

Michael (TV Guide power ranking #6)
Vidclip tidbit: Was a poor sport as a child
Song: “We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions” (Queen, 1978)
Kathy: You know that thing I said about not singing Queen? You are exempt Michael. You rocked this stadium classic. This was your best performance since “Bohemian Rhapsody” in Hollywood. In fact, I think maybe you should only sing Queen songs.
Erin: FINALLY. Thank you, Australia, for lending us Michael. I will only talk fondly now of Paul Hogan and Koala Blue. Michael’s parents babble on about their darling boy. Something about a happy childhood with very few dingoes eating their babies. I’m only half listening to it, totally expecting another ballad. But then Michael surprises me with glorious Queen. He not only delivers a song that isn’t going to lull me to sleep, but a hell of a performance. During the perf, the boy had enough light on him to trick the aud into thinking it was the Second Coming. And judging from the screaming girls, I think the ruse was successful,

Carly (TV Guide power ranking #4)
Vidclip tidbit: Had lots of curly blond hair as a child. And no tattoos. Also, she's named for Carly Simon. That must piss off Brooke.
Song: “Total Eclipse of the Heart” (Bonnie Tyler, 1983)
Kathy: Here’s the thing. I looked away from the TV for a bit. OK, most of the episode. Give me a break, I was shopping on Ebay. There’s only so much of this crap I can take. Anywho, I paid very little attention when I heard her start this horrific song. Then I heard some really good vocals, only to look up and realize it was the backup singer. Next week can the theme be “Backup singers perform”? Carly, my dear, you could run away with this competition if only you stopped picking ghastly songs.
Erin: This is my song. I have been performing this song in karaoke for the past decade as my crowd pleaser. But when I do it, I flourish the act with hand gestures, crying jags and sweeping movements to symbolize my heartbreak. I could have given a few tips to Carly, who was robotic and stiff. On the bright side, it looks like Fox let her husband emerge from hiding for a little camera time.
Hey Kathy, what the hell was with the bathroom talk at the end? It was disturbing.
Kathy: I don’t know but Oh. My. God. Also, I think I’d like this song better if I heard your version.

iTunes plug. Sigh.

Why didn’t they have iTunes downloads in seasons 1-4, when there were actually performances I might have wanted to see again? Seriously. There has not been one performance this entire season that moved me, save Asia’h’s initial audition song to her dad … not one rendition of any song that made me feel as if the person singing even understood what they were singing about … not one to make me sit up and take notice or say “Wow.” I guess I’ll just have to satisfy myself with “American Idol Rewind’s” repeats of Kelly’s “Natural Woman,” Fantasia’s “Summertime” J.Hud's "Weekend in New England" or LaKisha's "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going."

David A. (TV Guide power ranking #1)
Vidclip tidbit: He may miss the prom. And they show his girlfriend in the audience and little pre-pubescent hearts all across America break.
Song: Who knows or cares? (1990)
Kathy: Awful performance. He gets the trophy for most inconsistent contestant. Keep it up and you just might be back in Utah in time for the prom, David. I have never heard this horrific song and hope to never hear it again. Of course, it’s possible I was already in the early stages of Alzheimers by 1990 but I have a feeling I’m not alone here. Erin?
Erin:  I am completely stumped on this one. I mean, I was 16 when this song supposedly came out, and I have a pretty good memory. I can remember all of the original castmembers of “Degrassi Jr. High,” the lyrics to the “ALF” cartoon and can recite  the fictional family trees of V.C. Andrews clans, but I have no idea what this boy is singing. And neither do the judges. And because I don’t know it, I hate it. I know this is shallow and closed-minded, but I’m old and set in my ways. I don’t like new things. And you can’t make me.

Kristy (TV Guide power ranking #7)
Vidclip tidbit: No horse in this week’s preamble. Shocking!
Song: “God Bless the U.S.A.” (Lee Greenwood, 1984)
Kathy: Kristy, you might curry favor in middle America with this redneck anthem but it won’t work on me. You need to go home. And soon.
Erin: DONE! I am friggin’ done with this chick. She should have never made it to the Top 12. And now that she’s made it this far, I’m doomed to watch her for the rest of my life in bizarre hosting gigs for the TV Guide channel. Her song choice was insipid. I don’t care if she did it well, I couldn’t listen to it for another second. It was grotesque and wrong.

David Cook (TV Guide power ranking #2)
Vidclip tidbit: As a baby, he looked like Gazoo from “The Flintstones.”
Song: “Billie Jean” (Michael Jackson, 1982) — with guitar
Kathy: Randy loved it. Paula was so excited, she couldn’t sit down. Simon thought it was amazing. My friends were emailing me. I don’t get it. David and his massive ego did not put a twist on the song. Chris Cornell did, and David copied him. And he's smug. I don’t like this kid, which probably means he’ll win the whole thing.
Erin: David rocked the pimp spot. This was my favorite performance of the night. Just wow. Much like the way he tore up “Hello,” the rocker with a combover took hold of Jacko’s beloved favorite and made it amazingly cool. I actually think this was one of my favorite perfs of the season.
Honestly, I’m starting to love this kid. Now that Amanda is gone, I have picked him as my new BFF. I would love to go hat shopping with him.

Best:
Kathy: Michael
Erin: David C., Michael

Bottom three:
Kathy: David A., Chikezie, Carly
Erin: Kristy, plus any two of the others

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

P.S.
In “Idol” news, Josiah gets record deal.
Kathy: Say it ain’t so!
Erin: At least my driveway is safe now.

Non-elimination (ie: boring) part of the show:

Ryan announces the mentors for this season: Dolly Parton, Mariah Carey, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Neil Diamond. Can't say I'm looking forward to any of those episodes so much.

They are repeating the songwriting contest this year. You know, the one that last year gave us "This Is My Now." Goodie.

Bad Beatles medley.

Hey, speaking of bad, two of the worst finalists ever are in the audience: Kevin Covais and Jon Peter Lewis. No, I did not have to look up those names. Yes, I'm a dork.

Recap of Tuesday's awful performances. Nobody is safe, as far as I'm concerned.

Stupid call-in portion of the show. They aren't really going to do this every week are they?

A performance from Kellie Pickler. That shoe song. Who doesn't feel like singing about their shoes? Depending  on how you feel about her, Pickler is either sitll adorable or still irritating. Personally, I always found her adorable.

Elliot Yamin and Fantasia go to Angola to give out mosquito nets and plug "Idol Gives Back." Fantasia's spontaneous "Amazing Grace" proves to be the best performance of the season thus far for me.

Not only do we have a Ford video, we get to see the "making of the Ford video." For those who had the foresight to fast-forward, let me tell ya, it was every bit as horrible as you think it was.

Now the part we all tune in for. And this time Ryan brings the contestants out one at a time.

Brooke - safe
Carly - bottom 3. Wow.
David A. - safe
Michael - safe. Whew.
David C. - safe
Kristy - bottom 3. Good
Jason - safe
Ramiele - safe
Syesha - safe. Comeback!
Amanda and Chikezie. Drumroll. Chikezie is safe. Amanda is in the bottom 3.

Carly, Kristy and Amanda take center stage. Carly looks petrified.

Carly, you're safe.

Kristy and her shiny top live to sing another week.

Amanda rides off into the sunset on her Harley.

Erin won't be happy.

Goodbye, cool chick,. We will both miss you.

- Kathy Lyford

Kathy: Here we go again. Sixteen and a half minutes of actual singing in a 120-minute show. Oy.

This week it’s not just Lennon/McCartney it’s the Beatles. Nifty. I’ve never liked the Fab Four. I know I’m out here on a limb alone with this one, that they were the greatest band of all time, blah, blah, blah. I just don’t like them. My sister played their music incessantly back when we shared a room. The only thing worse than listening to the Beatles is listening to kids mangle the Beatles. Throw in all the plugs for iTunes, Coke and Paula and Randy's stupid single and the show nearly jumped the shark for me last night.

Off we go with the stiff introductions. Simon winked at Ryan. Have they kissed and made up? Also Randy, mirroring my feelings, is yawning. And Paula has learned a new word: “gumption.”

The vidclip confessionals this week are also a yawner. The kids recount their most memorable “Idol” moment. Isn’t it a little early to be asking that? Anyway, seven of the 11 say last week was their most memorable moment. Even little David, who forgot his words, and Syesha, who was in the bottom 3. Michael and Chikeze harken way back to the Hollywood round when they were still factors in the competition, Jason liked his perf of “Hallelujah” and Ramiele enjoys making friends. What, Ford didn’t pay one of them to say “making the Ford video has been my most memorable moment”?

Also, in addition to the songs, it seems each contestant has been told to give a campaign speech after the judges speak. Seriously, why all the talking?

Erin: I am out of town on a well-deserved vacation. However, I didn’t want to leave Kathy in a lurch, so I dusted off my Magic Eight Ball to help me with “Idol” predictions. I have complete faith in this thing. It got me through my SATs.

Amanda (TV Guide power ranking #7)
Song: “Back in the U.S.S.R.”
Kathy: Amanda’s dancing reminds me of something… what is it?… hmmm. Oh yeah, I have to go to the gym and do some squats. I had high hopes when Mandy announced she was going to tease her hair up really high, throw on lots of black eyeliner and have fun with it. It makes me feel like Erin is here. However, my hopes are dashed, because what we get is another screeching hard rock song. Paula says “You are the quintessential, authentic, who you are.” Alrighty, then. Simon tells Amanda she’s got to show some versatility and I wholeheartedly agree. Then Amanda goes off on a monologue about selling concert tickets and having fun and I think she even uttered “shit.” Uh-oh, Fox, the FCC is going to come after you.
Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Will Amanda ever sing a ballad?
Answer: My sources say no

Kristy Lee (TV Guide power ranking #10)
Song: "You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away"
Kathy: I took notes, but I still remember very little about this except that it sounded like one of my sister’s 45s playing at the wrong speed. (Kids, 45s were the mp3s of your parents’ generation.) Paula tells her she looks beautiful and we all know what that means. Kristy’s post-judgment speech turns naughty as she tells Simon “You know I could blow you out of your socks.” Simon and Seacrest get the unintentional joke, but Paula doesn’t and just keeps repeating it over and over until parents all over the country start sending the kids to bed.
Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Is Howard Stern behind the whole “Why is Kristy Still Here?” phenomenon?
Answer: My sources say no

David A. (TV Guide power ranking #2)
Song: "Long and Winding Road" (one of the few Beatles songs I can tolerate)
Kathy: The performance of the night; not that that is some great achievement. But little David remembered all the words and is back in form. Plus he remains adorable and humble and giggly. What’s not to like? David’s speech was short and sweet. He thinks people relate better to ballads. Hear that, Amanda?
Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Does any over the age of 17 believe David can win at this point?
Answer: Absolutely!

Michael (TV Guide power ranking #6)
Song: "A Day in the Life"
Kathy: Oh, Michael, you just continue to fall from grace. You really should have listened to that person I heard in the video who said “How are you going to do this song in 90 seconds?” It was just a mess, with painful high notes. Michael goes for the sympathy votes by explaining the he sang it for a friend who died last year. Oh, honey.
Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Are most of Michael's fans girls who don't see the ring?
Answer: No
This requires further investigating
Magic Eight Ball Question: Are most of Michael's fans guys who see the ring, but don't care?
Answer: Yes.
And there you have it...

Brooke (TV Guide power ranking #3)
Song: "Here Comes the Sun"
Kathy: Brooke says she loves the words to this song. Which ones? Doo, doo, doo, doo? My girl Brooke is really awkward without a piano or a guitar to hide behind. And when she made that Richard Simmons “Woo” sound I cringed. The judges didn’t like it either and Brooke spends a few minutes acting as mediator between the judges and the audience. 
Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Will Brooke break away from her “authentic” sound and show us a different side?
Answer: Outlook not so good

David C. (TV Guide power ranking  #1)
Song: "Daytripper" (with guitar and other accoutrements)
Kathy: This was pretty much last week’s performance all over again but with the addition of a “voice box” contraption that bordered on Blake Lewis gimmickry. Plus rocker Dave has grown cocky and smug in a week’s time, as evidenced by his BS session with the judges. I liked him much better last week when he was humble and awestruck.
Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Will David open for Daughtry in the near future?
Answer: No way!

Carly (TV Guide power ranking #4)
Song: "Blackbird"
Kathy: Her performance was fine but, lord, I hate this song. She’s definitely the most professional one in the group. Oh, that’s right, she kind of is a professional. I’m still not feeling Carly. She just hasn’t clicked with me. And her new “7” tattoo (for season 7) and her speech about how they are all broken birds trying to fly free didn’t help.
Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: What are the chances of a Carly/Heart pairing at the finale?
Answer: Absolutely!

Jason (TV Guide power ranking #5)
Song: "Michelle"
Kathy: This was just really awful, particularly the French portions of the song. I still am fond of Jason for some reason. C’est la vie.
Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Will Jason use his newfound stardom to sneak into the ladies’ dorms when he returns to college?
Answer: My sources say no.

Syesha (TV Guide power ranking #11)
Song: "Yesterday"
Kathy: Syesha busted out her assets in a desperate attempt to garner some votes. That, er those, combined with this performance could keep her around another week.
Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Will Syesha's happy go-lucky rendition win over judges?
Answer: Definitely

Chikezie (TV Guide power ranking #8)
Song: "I’ve Just Seen a Face"
Kathy: Chikezie morphed into Sybil in front of our eyes, showing at least three different personalities in the course of his 90 second song. He started off slowly, then played the harmonica — badly — then changed it up again into a bad Kristy Lee bluegrass version of the song. It was so disjointed, I felt like I was in my car with the radio on “seek” mode. Chikezie wisely kept his mouth shut after the judges’ critiques.
Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Will Chikezie forget about recent triumphs and return to his old, mediocre ways?
Answer: Yes

Ramiele (TV Guide power ranking #9)
Song: "I Should Have Known Better"
Kathy: Poor kid tried an upbeat song in an attempt not to be boring this week. But it was still boring. And then she engaged in baby talk with the judges. OK, I get that she’s little and cute, but she’s not Cindy Lou Who. Stop with the baby talk, Rami. And I didn’t like her outfit. So there.
Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Did Ramiele learn to stop taking Nyquil before she hits the stage?
Answer: No way!

David H. (booted last week)
Erin’s Magic Eight Ball Question: Did David return to his former career of “serving pizzas”?
Answer: No way! (NOTE: At this point, I am starting to doubt the magic of the eight ball.)

Best: David A., Syesha
Bottom three: Kristy, Chikezie, Amanda

— Kathy Lyford and Erin’s Magic Eight Ball

It is always interesting to see how "Idol" will stretch what is essentially a five-minute show into an hour. And by interesting, I mean lame.

This hour, we had Jim Carrey pimping "Horton Hears a Who" (I was embarrassed for him. KL); the return of McPhee-ver; a horrible video featuring Cake's "The Distance"; a singalong of Beatles songs; and a Q&A from callers at home. (That call-in thing is the worst idea they've ever had. Shall we call in next week and tell them so Erin? KL)

One note of interest: it's nice to see that Danny was adopted by Ramiele's family. It looks like they all went on a field trip to the Farmer's Market to get matching t-shirts. See, there are happy endings on "Idol."

The bottom three consisted of David H., Syesha and Kristy. No real surprises there. Kristy looked like she was ready to throw in the towel. The fact that David H. was kicked off even surprised her.

Hopefully, the experience has cured her of re-working songs into country standards. But somehow I doubt it.

As for David, I feel he left too early. I mean, yes, there was no doubt he was going to leave, but now I'm left with a full tank of stripper jokes and no one to use them on.

Farewell, dear David. There is an adults-only cabaret with your name on it somewhere. You should hook up with Frenchie and see if you can join the touring version of "Rent." (I thought Ruben might write or at least sing a brand new song for the "you're going home ballad." But no, it's just a rehash of Kenny Loggins' "Celebrate Me Home." KL)

— Erin Maxwell

Next week: More songs from Lennon-McCartney. Another chance for Amanda to sing "Helter Skelter" and little David to try "Yesterday." And the mind reels as to what Kristy might do to "I Want to Hold Your Hand."

What an episode! Fights, failures, freakouts, forgetting lyrics and the Fab Four!

Looks like Wacko Jacko needed some cash, ’cause this week the Idols get to pick songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook. So Fox locked the would-be superstars in a hotel room with “Revolver” for about a week.

And can we talk about the new set? It’s a lot like the old set only the band is elevated, the judges are isolated and there are more stairs for cheesy entrances. And there’s a mosh pit. Will there be stage diving later in the season?

The vid clips aren’t worth talking about tonight. It’s basically a rehash of everything we already know: where they’re from and what they did pre-”Idol,” all for the benefit of those folks who don’t tune in until we get to the top 12 portion of the season. By now we know them so well, we'll be on a first-name basis going forward.

Syesha
Song: “Got to Get You Into My Life”
Erin: Randy says it was the Earth, Wind & Fire version, I say Tom Jones. Either way, it was extremely lackluster. The judges seemed to like it, but it was nothing to write home about.
Kathy: The band was great, especially the trumpet section. Syesha did well enough to cement her position in the middle of the pack.

Chikezie
Song: “She’s A Woman”
Erin: Wow. Just wow. This perf did for Chikezie what “Hello” did for David Cook. The man stepped up his game. Starting with a bluegrass version of the song which morphed into rock, Chikezie proved his showmanship and blew away both the judges and the audience. Friend, you can wear an orange jumpsuit anytime you like now. You have my permission. This was my favorite performance of  the night.
Kathy: I enjoyed the Cajun take on it at the beginning quite a lot. Then it became a rock version and got a little too frenetic and all over the place for me. Plus he gave Ryan an excuse to touch a sweaty man and get all out of breath and that disturbed me. I put Chikezie in the middle of the pack too.

Ramiele
Song: “In My Life”
Erin: I had good money on David Archuleta singing this song. And it’s a shame he didn’t, because Ramiele’s version totally blew. There are roofies on the market that are less effective than her performance. I did enjoy the “Idol” fanwave in audience and the knowledge that her family hangs out at the Farmer’s Market t-shirt booth. But other than that, I thought this was snoozeville. And the judges agree.
Kathy: I flew in from Vegas very late last night after a long flight delay and made a valiant effort to stay awake long enough to recap. Ramiele was no help at all. God this was boring. It was so bad that Erin thought she sang “Yesterday.” And Paula said she “looked pretty” so you can almost count on her going home tonight.

At this point, Ryan and Simon have whipped up enough animosity for each other that it’s straddling the line between disgust and sexual tension. It’s just too “Moonlighting” for words. The minute they sleep with each other, the show will take a dive in the ratings.

Jason
Song: “If I Fell” (with guitar)
Erin: “If I Fell” fell flat. There are actually parts of the perf where I winced. When he leaves the show, he needs to team with Ramiele on an album of children’s songs. But the perf here isn’t the important part. The important part is that PAULA DISAGREED WITH RANDY. Sure, she went on a babbling tangent about the heart and connections with the audience, but it was still pretty jarring.
Kathy: Wow the lads from Liverpool wrote a lot of downer songs. Jason has built up quite a lot of good will with me so I can forgive him one subpar performance. But he only gets a week. Also, I’d like to know how the hell the kids are supposed to know what to do when Randy and Paula keep contradicting themselves and each other by alternately telling the kids to “make the song your own” and “don't switch it up too much.”

Carly
Song: “Come Together”
Erin: She’s living with Amanda now? This sounds like the best reality TV show ever. Fox, get some web cams in there! You are sitting on a goldmine. As for her perf, it looks like living with Amanda really rubbed off on her. Carly rocks out to the Joe Cocker version of the Beatles tune and does it justice. I was very impressed. This was the over-the-top-but-in-a-good-way performance I was waiting to see from her.
Hey Kathy, what’s up with the husband shot? I thought he had a bunch of tats and piercings, but the guy they showed looked all clean cut and pristine?
Kathy: I think he invested in some of that cover-up that you put on your tattoo when you don’t want your parents to know you’ve been inked. Not that I know anything about that. Plus, long sleeves helped. He probably doesn't want to scare America off from voting for his future meal ticket.
I liked Carly’s performance but she still hasn’t topped her initial audition for me. At least she finally woke me from the coma that Ramiele and Jason put me into. And can I just ask, what do the words to this song mean?! “He got toe-jam football, he got monkey fingers.” Huh?

David C.
Song: “Eleanor Rigby”
Erin: I was kind of hoping one of the chicks would step up to the plate and perform the Aretha version of this song, but this will do. Another interesting judges note is that Simon acknowledges that this show is more often than not a popularity contest, not a talent show. Did you really have to explain that? I think Sanjaya pretty much established that about a year ago.
Kathy: David and the stylisist continue to find new ways to cover his receding hairline. Poor kid. But his performance rocked. And he must have tipped the lighting crew because he got a light show the others did not. He is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. Simon says he could win. But I think Simon is just covering his bases because he’s now said that to at least four of the kids.

Back from the break and Ryan is whispering sweet nothings into an aghast Simon’s ear. What is going on?!

Brooke
Song: “Let It Be” (with piano)
Erin: “Idol’s” own Carly Simon takes to the stage. People seemed to like it. I couldn’t care less. I don’t think she’s bad, but just don’t relate to the “Gee Whiz” factor that Brooke seems to emanate. I did like the part where Randy and Simon called attention to Ryan’s foot fetish.
Kathy: This song was released in 1970. Oh God, I’m old. This was the perfect choice for Brooke and I loved everything about it. And she played the piano for the entire song this time. Plus she gave Paula a chance to use her new favorite word: “Niche.” Erin, you and I are just going to have to agree to disagree about this girl.

David H.
Song: “I Saw Her Standing There”
Erin: After talking about his job “delivering pizzas” (I guess that’s what the kids are calling it these days), David “treats” the audience to an extra cheesy version of the Beatles early pop tune. At this point, I’m thinking David’s artistic ability rivals that of a tissue box covered in glittered macaroni. It’s time for the boy to go.
Kathy: He said he took a Beatles 101 class in college. Is that part of the ancient history curriculum? God this was awful. Corny, messy, boring. You name it.

Amanda
Song: “You Can’t Do That”
Erin: Dressed to impress (and by impress, I mean impress Mr. T), Amanda unleashed her wonderful fury. Love her. Sure, it wasn’t her strongest performance, but still pretty dang good. That’s my girl.
Kathy: Next week, Amanda bites the head off a bat. Hey, Erin, I think you owe me five bucks because you said she’d sing “Helter Skelter.”

Erin, are we going to have to enlist a third recapper just to keep up with the Simon/Ryan interactions?

Michael
Song: “Across the Universe”
Erin: Consider me swooned. I thought it was lovely. And so did Paula, who once again rocked the boat by taking an opinion other than Randy’s. I have no idea what is going on with Paula tonight, but I think I like it.
Kathy: I thought it was heartfelt and sweet and he’s safe for weeks to come. Hopefully the stylists will use some powder on him next week so he doesn’t look so shiny. Randy tells him he should have “switched it up.” Dude, make up your mind already.

Kristy Lee
Song: “Eight Days a Week”
Erin: “I didn’t know that the Beatles released a polka song,” my aunt Jenny said.
Quite possibly the worst “Idol” performance in the history of the show. This Bear Country Jamboree version of the Beatles tune was just wrong. I was horrified. The audience was horrified. Even Paula was horrified. I mean, she didn’t even cushion the blow of bad news with a compliment on her looks. Consider this a sign of the apocalypse. If you look closely at the audience, you can see at least two of the Four Horsemen looking appalled during Kristy’s country-fried rendition of the classic tune. The pony you had to sell is deeply ashamed of you.
Kathy: For this they sent Asia’h home? I don’t even have the words to describe how bad this was so I’ll let Simon do it for me: Horrendous.

David A.
Song: “We Will Work It Out”
Erin: Even more evidence that the world is doomed. With Ramiele and Brooke biting on his style, “Idol’s” golden boy forgot the lyrics and mumbled his way through the chorus. The front-runner has fallen on bad times.
Kathy: Oh my, that was terrible. I actually had to rewind to verify that he forgot the lyrics. For a kid who has been performing most of his young life that's a rookie mistake.I told Erin last week that if he sang “Yesterday” I would slit my wrists, but I’m now thinking that would have been a fine choice for the boy. I'm afraid Little David may have peaked with "Imagine" two weeks ago.

Best
Erin: Chikezie, Carly, Paula
Kathy: Brooke, David C., Carly by default

Worst
Erin: So many to choose from. David A., Ramiele, Kristy, David H.
Kathy: Kristy in a class all her own, then Ramiele, David H., David A.

Probably going home
Erin: Kristy
Kathy: Kristy

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

Team Snark headed over to the Pacific Design Center last night to party with the "American Idol" top 12. And by "party with" I mean we watched them get treated like rock stars on the red carpet for an hour and a half while we remained behind the velvet ropes like Les Deux rejects.

The recap will be cut into two timelines: shindig time and "Idol" time. Like "Hammer Time," only different.

7:30
We arrive at the PDC, aka the blue whale building, home of Oscar parties, "Top Design" and numerous other Los Angeles-based events.

Earlier in the evening, I (Erin) created a plan of action in case I run into trouble with any of the "Idols": "Are you that mean chick who hated my version of 'Love is a Battlefield'?" "Nope. My name is Phil Gallo. Nice to meet you."

7:35
The finalists were still en route so we amused ourselves at the bar and the buffet. We snagged two Sour Simon drinks (Midori sour, sweetened lime juice, grapefruit juice, vodka). Yummy!

During the party, Fox is flashing glamour shots of the Top 12 on plasma screens, so we quickly use our powers of deduction to figure out who got booted off.

No Danny. No Luke.

So far, so good.

No Kady.

No problem.

Wait... where is Asia'h? What the hell?!

7:45
We pose for our pictures to be taken and transferred to chocolate CDs.

Erin: Kathy spots Constantine Maroulis. He is really, really tall. It is now my mission to try to talk him up in an effort to get a usable quote, so I force her to chase him around the party with me.
Kathy: Erin literally made me chase him down. I now have a new "most embarrassing moment." Constantine and I happen to have a mutual friend, so I say "Mary* says hi" because I can think of nothing else to say to him. And actually I think Mary* would consider him an acquaintance.
*Name has been changed to protect the innocent.
Erin: Hi. I'm a loser. Not only am I a loser, but Constantine calls me a "vampire." In case the loser thing didn't sink in yet, I was insulted by Constantine. Or flattered, depending on his take on Anne Rice novels. Hard call.
Kathy: We also noted, then ignored, the presence of former Idols Kimberly Caldwell, Gina Glocksen and Blake Lewis. It worries me sometimes that there's room in my brain for seven seasons worth of "Idol" finalists' names but that I often lose my keys.

8:02
Show starts:
Blake Lewis takes the stage and keeps with this week's '80s theme by singing an OMD-inspired song "How Many Words." It really sounds like a synth song from 1986, except of course for the beat boxing.

8:10
Shindig:
The "Idols" are on the red carpet, where they will stay for the remainder of the night. Carly is really tall, Ramiele is really, really short. I know they kept saying that on the show, but I didn't really believe it. But 'tis true; we, at 5'2" and 5'3", towered over her like Amazon goddesses. Cool. (at right, the finalists with "Idol" exec producer Nigel Lythgoe and Fox reality topper Mike Darnell)

No judges or Seacrest appearances.

8:15
Show:
David C., David A. and Jason are in the top 12.

Ryan announces that Paula's video is the No. 1 download on iTunes.
Erin: Apparently, I'm not the only one who hasn't mastered the one-click system on iTunes.
Kathy: WHAAAA? Did he mean No. 1 video from a former Laker Girl? No. 1 Randy Jackson produced video? I'm flabbergasted.

8:20
Shindig:
We go to pick up our chocolate CD (left) and run into Luke. Both of us look at each other and stammer. Really, what is there to say? Except that he's smokin' hot. As Kathy says, "I wanted to say 'I'm sorry you got kicked off the show,' but I'm really not." I agreed. I needed a few more Sour Simons to lie like that. Speaking of which, one more round of Sour Simons please!

8:25
Show:
Brooke, Syesha make the top 12. Kady bites the dust.

Shindig:
At the bash, we meet two lovely gents who have made it their life's work to party with David Archuleta. We wish them good luck in their quest. We also met a gaggle of 12 year old girls who have the same goal. May the best man or tween win.

8:35
Show:
David H. and Michael make the cut. Former carpet-cleaner Luke says adios to the show. It is revealed that he too has a hottie wife to go home to, so I can't feel that bad for him.

8:45
Shindig:
Danny Noriega is hanging out with friends in a Ikea-inspired den of iniquity.

Show:
Ramiele, Amanda, Kristy make the top 12. Asia'h goes home.
Erin: I feel terrible. Apparently, America's heartstrings have a limit. Dead dads just don't cut it anymore. To stay on Idol these days, you need a combo of conquering a disability while grieving a dead or missing parent while in line for your audition. America, what happened to you? You've grown cold over the years.
Kathy: Even Simon looks sad at this development. I am crestfallen. Asia'h I will miss you. Sniff.

8:55
Show:
Erin: Danny says goodbye to newfound friends and is off to join the touring version of "Hedwig." Chikeze is safe.
Kathy: It was a sad and tearful night for the four soon-to-be-forgotten contestants. That inspired me to suggest a few song choices for Ramilele to perform in upcoming weeks: Lesley Gore's "It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To," "Cry Me a River," Roy Orbison's "Crying," "Crying Shame" and perhaps Guns n' Roses' "Don't Cry."

There you go folks. Our top 12  for 2008 are: Ramiele Malubay, Carly Smithson, Brooke White, Amanda Overmyer (yay), Syesha Mercado, Kristy Lee Cook, Chikezie, Jason Castro, Michael Johns (hot in person too) and the Davids - Archuleta, Cook and Hernandez. (Pictured above, our picks to win.)

9ish:
Kathy: We run into Justin Guarini (at left with Kimberly Caldwell). Oh boy, is he good lookin'. And nice. Erin, do you have something to say to Justin?
Erin: At this point I need to apologize for any anti-Justin comments I have made in the past. Now, while his music isn't really my cup of tea, the boy is smoking hot. I saw him and my knees buckled. It was totally unexpected. Now I can never, ever make a Sideshow Bob comment ever again. Ever. I am deeply ashamed.

Grab another drink. Randy's Yo Dawg for Kathy, a cosmo for Erin. Randy's drink is terrible so I pawn it off on Erin and steal her cosmo.

9:30
We chat up Fox's reality guru Mike Darnell, who is super cool.

9:55
One more drink and I'll be able to understand Paula's world.

Goodie bag contents: Nifty canvas "Idol" tote bag, Coca Cola T-shirt, little bottle of Coke, Ford poster, Ford/Susan G. Komen scarf, Hot Wheels Mustang and a magnetized chart for your refrigerator that comes with stickers of the finalists' faces and red X's to place over them as they get booted off. I (Kathy) actually use it every year. I'm such a nerd. Erin gave me hers so my nieces could have one too. Thanks, Erin, from the girls.

- Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

Well, Erin, I’m beginning to think these girls aren’t listening to me. Did I not say, just last week, not to sing Whitney, Celine, Mariah or Linda? Didn’t I make it abundantly clear that if you sing Queen you’re dead to me? Asia’h, Syesha, Carly, Kady... Go stand in the corner. Amanda, go to the head of the class, you are the new teacher’s pet because you rocked on that Joan Jett song I told you to sing. Good girl! And Brooke, you get three gold stars. You other two, do your homework. Perhaps if I talk to the contestants directly…

Oh Kathy, they are a younger generation with minds of their own. They pay no heed to the older, wiser folks who have sacrificed perfectly good date nights to watch this show. That is their folly. Until someone creates an invention that allows us to shake some sensibility into the contestants through the TV, our protests and suggestions will be ignored.

Last night, Paula was slightly more lucid and Simon was slightly less caustic. But Randy was still a dope.

Asia’h Epperson (TV Guide power ranking #6/last week #4)
Most embarrassing moment: Was a roller-skating extra in a movie and ran into some lighting equipment.
Song: “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” (Whitney Houston)
Kathy: Oh Asia’h honey. You did fine, but it was Whitney. Not only that, but it was Whitney at her freshest; before Bobby Brown. Before crack and reality TV and doodie bubbles and rehab. Whitney when she was just Cissy’s little girl and Dionne’s niece. You set yourself up to fail. I won’t even bring up the ill-fitting, ugly pants. Oops, just did. Still love you, but if you make the cut tonight you’re going to have to start bringing it.
Erin: Asia’h provides us with the obligatory Whitney song that appears in every other episode of “Idol.” She sounded like Whitney, but I was too distracted by the pants. This is further proof that the girl is not making any close friends behind the scenes. Friends don’t let friends go on national TV with a camel toe.

Kady Malloy (TV Guide power ranking #8/last week #8)
Most embarrassing moment: Sang an Xtina song at a talent show, screwed it up, then fell.
Song: “Who Wants To Live Forever” (Queen)
Kathy: You sang Queen. I’m not talking to you. You’re destined to spend your life doing Britney imitations at county fairs.
Erin: Her embarrassing moment now seems a Sisyphean challenge as she is doomed to sing one ballad after another on “American Idol” and fall, but in a metaphorical sense. I found her uninteresting. Honestly, if she is going to go with Queen, she should have spiced it up with “Radio Gaga” or “Flash’s Theme.”
By the way, The banter between Ryan and Simon is really evil this year. I predict a knife fight by the time we get to the top six.

Amanda Overmyer (TV Guide power ranking #7/last week #7)
Most embarrassing moment: Burning down her family’s deck and pool. She seemed to be reminiscing her pyro days fondly.
Song: “I Hate Myself For Loving You” (Joan Jett)
Kathy: See what the right song choice can do for a girl? This was fantastic. So great, in fact that I nearly forgot the Cruella De Vil debacle from last week. This was the Mandy we know and love. You are going to have to lighten up a bit and smile though. You’re playing to America here. You’ve already won over me and Erin but not everyone appreciates dark and cynical the way we do. You probably don’t have enough versatility to take you super far but hopefully you sealed a spot in the top 12 with this perf. Manilow week might kill you off though.
Erin: Ladies and gentlemen, our girl is back! Tough as nails and rocking hard, Amanda brings down the house with Joan Jett. She’s in her element and provides my favorite perf of the night. She’s got the upper lip snarl, good hair, cool clothes and amazing song choice on her side. Even Simon adored her. Oh Amanda, I missed you. Thank you so much for this.

Carly Smithson (TV Guide power ranking #2/last week #6)
Most embarrassing moment: Got her leg stuck in a railing
Song: “I Drove All Night” (Roy Orbison recorded it first, Cyndi Lauper made it famous in the ’80s, then Celine ruined it later)
Kathy: Let’s face it Carly, you’ve got the best voice in the competition, always in tune, always on pitch. And your song choices aren’t awful. But you’ve got to start wowing the crowd. You remind me of Carrie Underwood, who delivered reliably solid, but bland performances every week and was never in danger of being voted off. Carrie waited until about the top 7 or 8 to floor us with that Heart song and really lay claim to the prize. Don’t wait that long, you’ve got more competition than she did. Also, don't ever wear those stupid sailor pants, which I was prone to in the '80s, again.
Erin: There can be no ’80s night without the divine Miss Cyndi, and with the encouragement of a MILF mom on the sidelines, Carly took to the stage singing “Drove All Night” and nailed it. I enjoyed her performance a great deal, but Simon was a bit harsh on this one. I think it’s further proof that Simon just might be dead inside. Check out his eyes. They are cold and soulless, like those in a Build-a-Bear bin. He needs take a big gulp of Paula’s Coke and chill out.

Kristy Lee Cook (TV Guide power ranking #5/last week #2)
Most embarrassing moment: Suffered from a canine psychosis.
Song: “Faithfully” (Journey)
Kathy: Kristy, you’re about as scintillating as a city council meeting. Were you just trying to suck up to Randy with this choice? I think you succeeded there but it didn’t work for me. Picking songs from bands is unwise in general, but if you’re a girl you shouldn’t pick a band led by a male singer with a big, big voice that you can’t emulate. Also, what happened to the country songs? I thought we had agreed to try that.
Erin: When Paula doles out the pretty comments, it’s pretty much the kiss of death. I was bored to tears. Her country version of the “Journey” song might have won her points with Randy, but it did little to endear me to her. It sounded like a throw away song you hear in any romantic comedy when the main characters reflect on their loneliness.

Ramiele Malubay (TV Guide power ranking #3/last week #1)
Most embarrassing moment: Rode bike to crush’s house, left him a picture, then spied on him while he and his mom laughed at her picture. Ouch.
Song: “Against All Odds” (Phil Collins)
Kathy: A decade of great artists, fun girl groups and daring female solo stars and you pick Phil freakin’ Collins? Why? And this song?! You’re young, you’re fun, you’re adorable. You have a big voice. Shape up before it’s too late.
Erin: Yes folks, it’s another depressing Phil Collins song. He’s really giving Whitney a run for her money this year on “Idol.” Hey kids, the man did have a few upbeat numbers over his career. Have these contestants never listened to “Sussudio”? Or did Patrick Bateman ruin it for everyone? Ram’s perf was fine, but it sounded like she was holding back. However, her after-performance convo was adorable. So she wins points from me.

At this point in the evening something bizarre was going on with the judges. Simon and Paula got all cozy, then Simon had an uncontrollable giggle fit and everything nearly went to hell. What happened during the commercial break? Did Paula finally share whatever's in that coke cup of hers? Did David Hernandez come out and give folks in the crowd lap dances? We'll never know. (Sorry David, but you reap what you sow with us.)

Brooke White (TV Guide power ranking #1/last week #5)
Most embarrassing moment: A church story. Go figure. She ran up to a man she thought was her father and hugged him and it turned out not to be her father.
Kathy: That actually happened to me once, not at church but at the school carnival and the man I hugged was the school principal, in costume. It was quite embarrassing, but I was 10; I got over it. Many more embarrassing moments followed. Still, Brooke and I are kindred spirits in a way.
Song: “Love is a Battlefield” (Pat Benatar)
Kathy: Wow. Just wow. I loved everything about this. You took Pat Benatar and slowed it down and made it your own. It was exactly like what David Cook did last night only flipped. How Randy could say “it was good but you did nothing with it” is beyond me. But Brooke, sweetie, next week stand up and move around a bit. With all the sitting I’m starting to wonder if you have a bum knee or something.
Erin: To this day, if you get my sister and I together anywhere within earshot of Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield,” we bust out in a mean rendition of the taxi dancer routine from the video. Just ask any of the clerks at the Bed, Bath & Beyond at the Beverly Center. As Brooke sat on the edge of the stage singing her sappy, spineless version of the song, she killed my childhood. It lacked the passion and edge that made me shimmy my shoulders in defiance against imaginary pimps. The judges seemed to like it, but they have never pretended to liberate headband-wearing hookers to freedom. For me, Brooke took the battle out of the “Battlefield.”
Kathy: See, folks, sometimes Erin and I disagree but we remain BFF. That’s how friendship works. Perhaps Ryan and Simon should give it a try. I also have fond memories of Ms. Benatar, and that song in particular. But seeing as how I am much, much older than Erin, my memories involve public fun of the variety that’s not quite as innocent as dancing with a sibling in a sweet-smelling mall store. And therein lie the makings of my true most embarrassing moment. Oh, sweet, wild 80s how I miss you. Now I’ve said too much.
Erin: I won’t hold it against you. But you are wrong.

Syesha Mercado (TV Guide power ranking #4/last week #3)
Most embarrassing moment: Wrote a letter to a crush and included some strawberry gum. The jerk not only chewed the gum but he told on her to the teacher.
Song: Saving All My Love for You (Whitney, again)
Erin: Good.
Kathy: Fine.

Best:
Kathy: Amanda and Brooke
Erin: Amanda and Carly

Worst:
Kathy: Kady and Ramiele
Erin: Brooke and Kady

Probably not joining us tonight at the top 12 party: Kady and Kristy

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

The theme this week is one that’s repeated annually on “Idol”: A finalist's naughty past is made public.
In this case, David Hernandez’s stripper experience hit the Internet yesterday. David won’t be kicked off the show, however. And somewhere Frenchie is cursing Simon Fuller and Nigel Lythgoe.

Oh, and the boys sang ‘80s tunes.

Erin: Remember when malls used to be equipped with personal recording studios that would offer “demo tapes”? I would go with junior school cronies to sing Kim Wilde songs in hopes of making it big. My sister practically lived there. That’s why I love ’80s night on “American Idol.” It’s almost exactly the same thing, but with a slightly larger audience than the group that would gather outside the Panda Express to watch you make a fool of yourself.

Is it me or were judges at their weirdest in this episode? Randy looked like just got off chaperoning duties from Sparkle Motion, Simon seem unable to control his catty side and Paula seemed unable to grasp the concept of pronouns. Kathy says she was speaking in tongues, but I think she was just chatting with her other personalities. Perhaps the ones that once led her to a duet with MC Scat Cat.

Kathy: Wasn’t only you, Erin. The panel was just strange last night. I hope Randy plans on sharing whatever it is he’s been smoking at the Top 12 party on Thursday night. And I think Paula must have, upon exiting her spaceship, conked her head hard enough to damage the portion of her brain responsible for language. I didn’t understand a word she said all night. She did seem to enjoy the mostly sucky performances though, based on how she kept standing up and trying to clap. As for Simon, I thought perhaps he’d been afflicted with Tourette’s overnight what with how he kept blurting out insults.

Luke Menard (TV Guide power ranking #6/last week #9)
Most embarrassing moment: Sister dressed him up as a ballerina when he was little, which might be directly responsible for his song choice.
Song:  “Jitterbug” (Wham!)
Erin: The night starts off with a whimper as Luke takes the stage with a Wham! Song. It’s just his way of saying that he’s having fun with the competition. Either that or, “Hi, Mom. I’m gay!” His rendition is slightly on the pitiful side. It just doesn’t work without the Day-Glo and “Choose Life” T-shirts. At this point, he seems less likely to follow George Michael on the path of a successful solo career and more likely to follow George Michael into a public park bathroom. Sorry, Luke. It was nice meeting you. I look forward to forgetting your existence next week.
Kathy: I should have stuck with my original plan to watch Luke with the sound turned down. But he was so bad from the first note I completely forgot to hit the mute button. His high, breathy voice makes George Michael sound like a baritone in comparison.

David Archuleta (TV Guide power ranking #1/last week #4)
Most embarrassing moment: Forgot the words to a song during a performance and his mom had to come onstage and finish it for him. Meanwhile Paula keeps racking up embarrassing moments all episode.
Song: “Another Day in Paradise” (Phil Collins)
Erin: David embraces the new “Idol” trend of starting the song with a musical instrument and disregarding both it and the union labor it took to get a piano on the stage by only playing a few opening notes. I like little David, but I agree with Simon here. He’s a bit of a bummer these days. His version of “Another Day in Paradise” should have been used for the “Idol Gives Back” special, not for the ‘80s round. At least Paula isn’t threatening to decapitate him this week.
Kathy: Simon has already downgraded David A. from “You’re going to win” to “You’ll be in the top two.” At this rate Simon will be predicting David A.’s demise in just a few weeks. I enjoyed David’s explanation as to why this isn’t a depressing song: “It’s about people who have nothing.”

Oh, look Denise Richards is in the audience.

Danny Noriega (TV Guide power ranking #7/last week #5)
Most embarrassing moment: Friend tripped him and he fell down some stairs in front of his crush. Apparently, FWIW, that’s more embarrassing than speaking in text language. OMG.
Song: "Tainted Love" (Soft Cell)
Erin: I have been waiting seven seasons for “Tainted Love” only to be treated to this wild-eyed scary version aided by a light show that could cause Pokemon-esque seizures in Japanese school kids. When he was done, Simon unleashed a laundry list of suck on the poor sap. Not that he didn’t deserve it. I don’t see Danny making it much further. At the most, he can apply to become Chris “Leave Britney Alone” Crocker’s sidekick once his reality show kicks in.
Kathy: Speaking of embarrassing, did you get a load of Danny’s dancing? Simon calls him “absolutely useless” and gets a “whatever” in return, which Simon seemed to find amusing. I would say Danny is NLFTC (not long for this competition).

David Hernandez (TV Guide power ranking #4/last week #8)
Most embarrassing moment: Had booger in nose during photo shoot. Oh, really? Surprisingly, his most embarrassing moment did not end with “…and then he took off into the night with my G-string and my money.”
Song: “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” (Meat Loaf)
Erin: His decision to pick the song “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” solves the mystery as to why a majority of his clientele were men. Well, that actually wasn’t much of a mystery. Encyclopedia Brown could have solved that one without leaving the garage.
Kathy: Paula said “You missed some notes, but it was really good.” HUH? Also she thinks he’s “becoming a really good performer.” I think we all know that now.

Michael Johns (TV Guide power ranking #2/last week #1)
Most embarrassing moment: Beaten up while dressed as a mascot called “Boomer the Roo.” His most embarrassing moment will give furry “Idol” fans fodder for slash stories for the rest of the season. Gotta say, I wish he had film of that. One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life was when two mascots got into a brawl during a college football game.
Song: “Don’t You Forget About Me” (Simple Minds)
Erin: YAY! Finally. He takes to the stage with Simple Minds’ “Don’t You Forget About Me,” which perfectly exemplifies my point as to why there needs to be a “Breakfast Club” musical on the Great White Way. It’s already going in that direction with “Legally Blonde” and “Cry Baby.” It will be perfect. After his perf, Paula gurgles something about leaving the planet. Oh, honey. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.
Kathy: Randy commended Michael for “returning to his Australian roots” and repeated that our Aussie crush reminds him of Michael Hutchence. I’m sitting there on the couch thinking “What does a Scottish new wave duo have to do with INXS, Australia or Michael Hutchence?” And I don't get paid to be an expert on music. Oh, Randy.

David Cook (TV Guide power ranking #5/last week #6)
Most embarrassing moment: Forgot the words to a song at a talent show.
Song: “Hello” (Lionel Richie), with a guitar
Erin: So, that was unexpected. Mr. Cook took stalker song/MySpace anthem “Hello,” and made it very, very cool. Color me shocked. His ability to rock out on the song not only brought him ahead of the pack, but it just might spike enough sales in the iTunes single to pay for this week’s batch of baby clothes for Nicole. Way to go, David. You rule. I am so sorry about the hair comments from before. We’re buddies now, right?
Kathy: I loved this. Maybe my favorite performance of the season thus far. Way to take a treacly, unlistenable ballad and give it a rock twist. Simon ruins the moment with a “brush with fame” story about himself, Lionel Richie and the Whole Foods produce department.

Jason Castro (TV Guide power ranking #3/last week #2)
Most embarrassing moment: One of his dreds came out during a dinner date. Eww.
Song: “Hallelujah” (Leonard Cohen)
Erin: Another shocking performance. This night is ripe with all sorts of goodness. After telling his tragic tale of hair loss, Jason gave a fab perf on Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah.” I am in awe. I loved his version and can gladly say that his hair in no longer the focal point of his personality. I see Jason making it far. Well, far enough to be used in “Idol Remix” moments where he reflects on his learning experiences, but not far enough to win.
Kathy: Paula and Randy both mention the “degree of difficulty.” What is this now, Olympic platform diving? See, I wasn’t on board the Jason train last night. It was good, but I didn’t think it was all that. Perhaps the fact that I had just finished listening to kd lang’s version of the song seconds before watching “Idol” didn’t help.

Chikezie (TV Guide power ranking #8/last week #7)
Most embarrassing moment: Used the girls bathroom in high school without realizing it.
Song: "All The Woman I Need" (Sister Sledge, then Luther, then Whitney)
Erin:  When did he drop his last name? Has it been a while and I’m just noticing this, or is this a new development? Kathy? I can’t remember a single note of this performance. It was bland. What he needs is a gimmick, like a bright orange suit.
Kathy: He dropped his last name a couple of weeks ago but I refused to acknowledge it. You know it’s not a good sign when Ryan announced there’s only one singer left and for the life of my I couldn’t think of who it might be. Sorry Chikezie Eze, been nice knowing you.

Best:
Erin: David “The Man” Cook; Jason Castro
Kathy: David Cook and that’s it

Worst:
Erin: Danny Noriega; Luke Menard
Kathy: Danny, Luke

Probably going home: Luke and Chikezie, which means one-fourth of the top 12 will be named David.

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

"Idol" starts off with the usual singalong, where the producers attempt to pair up singers into possible couples. The "Sounds of the '70s" medley is every bit as crappy as the previous two nights have been. Honestly it's like advertising a "Classics of the '70s" film festival and then screening "Roller Boogie" and "Ben."

And can I just say that Amanda looks fab. She look off about 30 pounds of makeup, but still looks like she can kick ass. Yay. Except that means she took Paula's advice. Don't do it again Mandy. And apparently, Ramiele's haircut is either addictive or contagious, 'cause now Paula is afflicted with it.

After revisiting Tuesday's "high"lights, it's time to send a boy home. For the first round of boy cuts, it was down to Jason Y. or Danny, who looked like a deer caught in headlights for the most part. But he missed becoming this week's roadkill as Jason was sacrificed to the "Idol" gods. Since I can't remember a single song he sang without the help of clips, it's difficult for me to feel his pain.

Recap of Wednesday night and it's even worse than I remember. The first chick elimination comes down to Amanda or Alexandrea, and sadly it was Lushy that had to go. Figures, since I just gave her a cool nickname. But she forever endeared me to her by calling Ryan a freak for depriving her great grandmother the chance to take a spin on Big Thunder Mountain. The whole thing ended with a Kodak moment between Lushy and David A., where they embraced and cried. Had the camera stayed on them longer, animated birds would have appeared along with unicorns and rainbows to cement the occasion as the most adorable bit ever captured on television.

The second round of girl cuts comes down to Alaina or Kady and I swear I still can't tell them apart, Alaina got the ax and, in a moment of unrehearsed emotion, actually began bawling. Now I feel bad about making fun of her. No, wait. I don't. But it was still pretty sad. Even before Ryan said her name she looked on the verge of a meltdown. I have to admit at times like this that Seacrest is damn good at his job. He managed to talk Alaina off the ledge. At first, Alaina wasn't going to warble the final goodbye. For one dreadful moment I thought they might play Paula Adbul's new video again instead of making Alaina sing. But never fear, the girls of "Idol" gathered around and joined their chunky plastic rings together to summon the enough power to get Alaina to sing her Walk of Shame song.

We're down to the last cut for the the gents, and everyone named David is safe; it's either Luke or Robbie. Fake rocker boy Robbie said goodbye with little fanfare, but not before one last "authenticity" dig from Simon. Robbie's girlfriend is incredulously hot, so he'll be OK. Robbie's now off to share living quarters with K-Fed in a new VH1 reality show.

We then get a short video recap of the four castoffs' "Idol" journey where we see them say painfully misguided things like "I'll never have a 9-5 job," "Singing is what I wake up in the morning for" and "I will never stop chasing my dreams." One can only hope reality sets in shortly.

In Idol news: April's "Idol Gives Back" guests will include Mariah Carey, Brad Pitt, Reese Witherspoon, Miley Cyrus and Snoop Dogg. Kady seemed especially thrilled by the Brad Pitt announcement. Too bad she'll be watching from home like the rest of us. And yes, Carrie Underwood and Chris Daughtry return to the roost, gracing the would-be stars and also-rans with their presence. Also Ruben Studdard will supply the weekly exit song for the top 12 this season. At least the big guy will finally have something to do.

Until next week, Erin and Kathy: out.

- Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

I notice Ryan has stopped calling this group “the best ever.” Wise move, since these were the worst back-to-back episodes in the show’s history. Last night the girls tackled “classics” from the ’70s… and the songs tackled them right back. The show allegedly has stylists helping the kids pick out their clothes — although I’m hard pressed to believe that after the parade of fashion-don’ts I saw last night. Why, oh why, don’t they have someone helping them pick out their songs?!

Hey, look everybody, Erin’s back!

Did you miss me? I know you did. First off, I need to commend Paula on her judging method. Over the last year, she’s truly perfected what most human resources reps call the “compliment sandwich” of the good-bad-good criticism.
Example: “You really have a unique sense of style. But you are not being true to yourself. But you really shined through.”
If I had the skills that paid the bills, I would create the "Paula Abdul Compliment Generator" to accurately predict her drunky comments on each show. But alas…

This week, the ladies continue on with the ’70s theme and succeed in creating their own theme of “Songs We Should Have Never, Ever Picked.” On with the show:

Carly Smithson (TV Guide power ranking #6)
What America would be surprised to know about her: She works at an Irish bar. Shocker! Also, she likes to cook and clean.
Song: "Crazy on You" (Heart)
Erin: Because I like Guinness and Heart, I give Carly a pass. She did a bang up job. The judges were a bit harsh, but I think they were distracted by the Amy Winehouse tattoo (NOTE: I saw this comment all over the Net and just need to reiterate that I wrote this the minute I saw the tattoo. My roommate can vouch for me.)
Kathy: She’s not the Wilson sisters, but she’s better than nine of the boys. Simon calls her the girl to beat. Kind of a bold prediction before you even give the other nine girls a shot, but whatever. Carly mentions it’s her favorite song ever. And that she loves Heart. And that she told her husband if she ever got the chance she would sing this song on “American Idol.” And that it’s her favorite song ever written. OK, jeez Carly, we get it. Is Heart paying you royalties?

Syesha Mercado (TV Guide power ranking #3)
What America would be surprised to know about her: She’s done a lot of commercials. And she can imitate a crying baby. That must be useful.
Song: "Me and Mrs. Jones," only, you know, "Me and Mr. Jones" (Billy Paul)
Erin: I have always hated this song, and now that a chick is singing it, it still doesn’t endear it to me. Just for the record, any song that plays up an adulterer/stalker as a romantic interest doesn't play well in my book. It’s just creepy.
Kathy: Syesha started off rough, then got better, then went off the rails again. Simon said it was silly to sing a song written for a man. In this particular case I agree with him, although I do enjoy Amy Winehouse’s version. Syesha also can’t explain why she changed the arrangement. And that’s the crux of what’s wrong with this show. None of these kids knows anything about music, they’ve just been told they can sing, so they do.

Brooke White (TV Guide power ranking #5)
What America would be surprised to know about her: She went to beauty school but dropped out. Then she steps on my beauty school dropout joke. And she claims to always be dying to restyle people’s hair for them. Where were you when Amanda was getting ready last night?
Song: "You’re So Vain" (Carly Simon) — with a guitar, at least intermittently.
Erin: Two things really surprised me here: 1) She pumps up her beauty school training but insists she can carry off the Mane ’N Tail maintained mess of blond locks. 2) I adored her version of “You’re So Vain.” Despite the obvious Simon comments to follow, she did a great job. I didn’t even mind that she disregarded the guitar a minute into her set. Good job, Brooke.
Kathy: Brooke was the only one who chose the perfect song for her voice. Loved the performance and I love her. She’s really just got this goofy charm that I enjoy. But it was weird how she used the guitar as an accessory instead of really playing it. Also, what was going on after the song? Why didn’t she stand up? It was as if she was glued to the chair.

Ramiele Malubay (TV Guide power ranking #1)
What America would be surprised to know about her: She can do Polynesian dancing, including hula, and Filipino cultural dances. That’s kind of awesome.
Song: "Don’t Leave Me This Way" (Thelma Houston)
Erin: I know that Ramiele has the chops, but she’s been championing mediocrity for the last two rounds. Her version of this song can easily be heard at the Grove on a Saturday during the holiday season. She also stole my Malubay-lullaby joke. She also stole her haircut from Christian on “Project Runway.”
Kathy: See this is where help with song choice would really be essential. Ramiele says she had picked out a couple of ballads but decided to nix them. Bad choice. Also, I hated her outfit.

Kristy Lee Cook (TV Guide power ranking #2)
What America would be surprised to know about her: She’s a tomboy. Oh really? I didn’t get that from the multiple references to horseback riding and cage fighting.
Song: "You’re No Good" (Linda Ronstadt)
Erin: Sings “You’re No Good,” sans the soul and heart of Ronstadt's version. Simon claims he has issues labeling her. Here buddy, let me help you out: She sucks. If record labels still followed the ’60s tradition of looking for white chicks to do lame covers of R&B songs for mainstream radio play, Kristy would have a career.
Kathy: Linda Ronstadt fits into that category of female singers the contestants should avoid at all cost. Just add her to the list that includes Celine, Whitney and Mariah. No matter how well you do, you will pale in comparison. Also, I hated her shiny silver top. Simon wisely suggests that Kristy start singing Country songs.

Amanda Overmyer (TV Guide power ranking #7)
What America would be surprised to know about her: She’s a bookworm, who likes to read biographies of rock icons. Why does Simon find this charming but David Cook declaring himself a crossword puzzle nut bores him? Simon, brains are charming regardless of your gender.
Song: "Carry on My Wayward Son" (Kansas)
Erin: You’re breaking my heart over here, Amanda. First off, it appears the rocker nurse already made an enemy in the wardrobe department. Secondly, the song was just… bad. A horrible choice. I was about to make a “Hairspray” or “101 Dalmatians” joke, when my “Idol” couchmate Marguerite looked at me with eyes that conveyed betrayal and whispered one word: “Cats.” Since this revelation was announced before her performance, I was unable to look at Amanda without picturing her standing on a pile of tires using jazz hands to sing “The Jellicle Ball.”
Kathy: I was thinking Elvira, but “Cats” is so much better! Thanks, Marguerite! At least her pants matched her hair. I’m trying here, Amanda, I really am. I’ve got two words for our rocker nurse, Joan Jett. That would have been right in her wheelhouse. Kansas hasn’t been relevant since a month after they released this god-awful song. To make Amanda’s night even worse she’s told, by Paula, that she wears too much makeup. Oy. It’s like Randy telling you that you should go on a diet. Also Paula thinks Amanda’s got great moves. And that was after watching Amanda’s spastic attempts at dancing. I have a headache now.

Alaina Whitaker (TV Guide power ranking #9)
What America would be surprised to know about her: She doesn’t like the food on her plate to touch each other. So, to sum it up, she has OCD. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Song: "Hopelessly Devoted to You" (Olivia Newton John)
Erin: She took on “Hopelessly Devoted to You” because someone had to. I have a feeling the performance is probably the exact one she gave at during drama team tryouts. As for the actual perf, it’s nothing I haven’t seen outside of Dimples.
Kathy: There’s something about this girl that makes it impossible for me to remember her. Even immediately after her performances I forget her name. This outing was a mix of good, bad and really awful, all mixed together on the same plate. Also her outfit was a hot mess. Then Ryan claimed to know nothing about women’s fashion. Right, Seacrest.

Alexandrea Lushington (TV Guide power ranking #10)
What America would be surprised to know about her: She sang at Ground Zero a couple weeks after 9/11.
Song: "If You Leave Me Now" (Chicago)
Erin: Damn you, Urban Outfitters. You may have convinced the better part of the population that the shorts and high heels thing is hot, but you haven’t fooled me. You have your evil, trendy clutches on Alexandrea, but I see past your little ruse. It’s like when Sassy magazine tried to convince me to make a skirt out of ties. I'm not falling for this stupid trend. Not this time. As for Lushy’s perf, “If You Leave Me Now” totally takes me back to waiting with my sister to get my hair cut at Tipperary in my youth. I have a soft spot for the song, but not this version. Her perf was boring, but her interview was endearing.
Kathy: Could I just add, heels and cargo shorts? That's even worse than heels and regular shorts. Poor girl was awful and she knew it. And I kind of love her now for her funny, self-deprecating manner after her performance. This song was certainly apropos for her last night, since I have a feeling she’ll be leaving us. Too bad, I think she could be fun to have around.

Kady Malloy (TV Guide power ranking #8)
What America would be surprised to know about her: She sings opera, mostly in the bathroom. And actually very well.
Song: "Magic Man" (Heart)
Erin: Her dress reminds me to the gem-encrusted motherboard that beckoned Sleestaks. Poor Kady’s rendition of “Magic Man” fell flat, especially when compared with Carly’s versions of all things Heart.
Kathy: Wow, that dress was distracting. This song worked for her in one way. It reminded me that Kady performs a magic trick every time she’s on the “Idol” stage: She makes funny, kooky Kady disappear. Seriously, she seems so cool in her little video clips and then she hits the stage and becomes this bland, boring blonde. Stop it, Kady. Also Simon says he’s never heard the song before. Liar! He can't be that ignorant.

Asia’h Epperson (TV Guide power ranking #4)
What America would be surprised to know about her: She was a cheerleader in middle and high school. And she’s straightened her hair tonight.
Song: "All By Myself" (Eric Carmen)
Erin: Singing a tune that has been the theme music of suicide since its release, Asia’h’s version of “All By Myself” will inspire a new set of masses to head to the medicine cabinet and swallow fistfuls of Tylenol PM with a vodka chaser. Good job.
At this point, Marguerite and I caught on to the behind-the-scenes sabotage action that was happening when the cameras were cut. Allow me to illustrate:
Asia’h: I don’t know about this song. It’s a bit of a downer.
Ramiele: You really do an awesome job at it. You should sing it. It totally highlights your vocal range.
Kady: I agree.
Asia’h: Aww, thanks guys. And Kady, you really need to wear that rock dress. It’s not strange or ugly at all.
Kady: Thanks Asia’h. I have to go. I’m helping Amanda with her hair.
Kathy: Asia’h, since Celine did an overwrought version of this horrible, horrible song, it should be avoided at all costs. Please see the advice I gave Kristy Lee. I hope to never hear this song again as long as I live.

Best:
Kathy: Brooke, Carly
Erin: Brooke, Carly

Probably going home:
Kathy: Alexandrea, Alaina
Erin: Amanda, Alaina

Tonight, four go home.

Looking forward to new themes and mutilations next week, when I presume the theme will be songs from the ’80s, or music your parents might have been listening to when you were conceived.

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Erin is sick today so you’re stuck with me. It's kind of like peanut butter without jelly, but I’ll try to not be as disappointing as the boys were this week. Erin actually got sick before Michael Johns performance and I’m pretty sure she didn’t feel any better after seeing it.

So it’s ’70s week and the show proves that it can suck the life out of any decade’s music. It’s also opposite day on “Idol” as last week’s stars phone it in and a couple who are lucky to still be around really step up and show they want it.

We start with some advice from the judges. Randy says what he always says: “You gotta be in it to win it.” Simon succinctly says “Be better” and all but three of the contestants promptly dismiss his sage advice. And Paula, well, I really have no idea. Miss Abdul is starting to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me. When she did make sense last night she never actually critiqued the performances at hand. Instead she dwelled on what got the contestants to the top 24: “I know you have a lot of talent” or “You’ve shown us in the past that you have a great voice.” Thanks, Paula. Also, thanks a bunch for your creepy comment to David Archuleta that you want to "squish his head off and hang it from your rearview mirror." I really do like you better when I can't understand you.

And here are your top 10:

Michael Johns (TV Guide power ranking #1)
What America would be surprised to know about him: He plays tennis… a lot. I thought every hot Australian guy played tennis.
Song: Go Your Own Way (Fleetwood Mac)
My favorite from last week really held back this week. It was boring and, as Simon said, it felt as if he was coasting. You’d better return to form next week, honey. Looks can only carry you so far in this competition. Unless you’re Katharine McPhee.

Jason Castro (TV Guide power ranking #2)
What America would be surprised to know about him: He doesn’t like to do interviews. He cutely states that he “just likes the music stuff” and all of a sudden he’s being asked to do a lot of “not music stuff.”
Song: I Just Want to Be Your Everything (Andy Gibb)
Jason plays guitar again and this week it just doesn’t work. None of it works. Paula says he’s “cute.” Uh-oh. That’s not good. Just ask Amy. Everyone, including me, dings him for song choice and hopes he leaves the guitar at home next week.

Luke Menard (TV Guide power ranking #9)
What America would be surprised to know about him: He is a member of an a cappella group called Chapter Six that has toured all over the world. Yes, Luke, I am surprised someone pays you to sing. He also explains for those in the audience who’ve never heard the term “a cappella” and don’t own a dictionary, that “singing a cappella is a lot different than having a band behind you.” Thanks for that, Luke.
Song: Killer Queen (Queen)
At least one contestant is consistent. He was every bit as bad this week as he was last week. OK, America, here’s a little something you might be surprised to know about me. Queen is my second favorite band of all time. (I’m sorry, I don’t know you well enough yet to tell you which band is #1). Any contestant who sings Queen when it’s not Queen week, immediately gets on my bad side. Don’t try to match Freddie Mercury, because you will fail. Just don’t. Simon tells him as much. Ryan calls Luke “Dawson’s Creek” and that makes me happy.

Robbie Carrico (TV Guide power ranking #3. Really?)
What America would be surprised to know about him: He’s a drag racer. Not so surprising, Robbie. You look like every gearhead I knew in my 20s.
Song: Hot Blooded (Foreigner)
He didn’t do anything to help his “authentic rocker” claims with this dull, diluted performance. He explains in his interview that there are many forms of rock. True that, but I wasn’t aware of the rock form that puts you to sleep.

Danny Noriega (TV Guide power ranking #5)
What America would be surprised to know about him: He was in a punk band in the ninth grade. So, that was last year?
Song: Superstar (Carpenters by way of Leon Russell)
Danny does better than he did last week, but the bar was pretty low after he mangled Elvis. He’s also cut back on the sass, which may keep him in my good graces for another week. I still predict he’s the first contestant who will become unbearably irritating. Was I the only one who thought it was odd that Paula commended him for singing “the Carpenters version” of the song? Did she really think a 17-year-old was going to unearth the Rita Coolidge version? Or bust out with the Sonic Youth version during '70s week?

David Hernandez (TV Guide power ranking #8)
What America would be surprised to know about him: He used to be a competitive gymnast. Yes, that is surprising.
Song: Papa Was a Rolling Stone (Temptations)
Also surprising was that David really brought it this week. He finally located his personality and his performance was vastly better than last week’s. Good for him. Simon calls him “the best so far tonight” and David nearly wets himself he’s so pleased. Funny how the only opinion that ever seems to matter to any of the kids is Simon’s. Just sayin’.

Jason Yeager (TV Guide power ranking #10)
What America would be surprised to know about him: He plays multiple instruments.
Song: Long Train Running (The Doobie Brothers)
Jason is slightly better than last week but is in no danger of anyone asking “Which Doobie you be?” (for obscure “What’s Happening” reference, click here; key moment at the 8:22 mark. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.) Poor Jason gets some brutal criticism from the judges (karaoke, pitchy, poor song choice, corny, ghastly) and he doesn’t take it well. He looks like he wants to cry. I’m not going to pile on. I just think Jason may want to stick to playing instruments. Also he didn’t bring along that cute son of his, so he may lose some votes there.

Chikekie Eze (TV Guide power ranking #7)
What America would be surprised to know about him: His name is Nigerian and means “something well created by God.” Also the proper pronunciation is “she kez yay,” but nobody ever got it right so he decided to stop correcting people.
Song: I Believe to My Soul. (Donny Hathaway released this song in the ’70s, so I guess it counts, but Ray Charles wrote and recorded it in the early ’60s.)
Chikezie, saved from the brink of elimination last week, proves he really wants to stick around. His performance is by no means spectacular but it’s way better than last week’s disaster so he wins over Simon. Until he defends last week’s orange suit… again. Oh, Chikezie, just give it a rest. Even his mother is embarrassed.

David Cook (TV Guide power ranking #6)
What America would be surprised to know about him: He’s a “huge word nerd” who enjoys crosswords; a “geek for vocab.” I immediately like David twice as much as I did last week!
Song: All Right Now (Free) with a guitar!
David did well enough to stick around til next week. Not a great perf, but not bad. Randy calls him the real rocker in the competition. Simon says the whole “word nerd” admission was boring and a big mistake and that David has no charisma. For the first time this season, I disagree with Cowell.

David Archuleta (TV Guide power ranking #4)
What America would be surprised to know about him: He met “Idol’s” season 1 finalists in a hotel lobby when he was 11 years old and sang for them. And he brought video evidence of Kelly Clarkson giving him props. Oh, David, you are so cute.
Song: Imagine (John Lennon)
FINALLY, a great performance. I am still waiting for someone to give me chills. I haven’t waited this long in any previous season. But David is fantastic and he’s head and shoulders above all the other boys. The judges love him and on the air Simon declares him “the one to beat.” He also predicted David will win in an interview with “Extra” earlier in the day. But don’t get too excited David, Simon called LaKisha the one to beat last season. My pal Derek says "David Archuleta is clearly a robot created by Nigel Lythgoe with the sole purpose of winning 'American Idol' and keeping the ratings up." Heh. I do think David is a force to be reckoned with, even though his dad looks like Danny Bonaduce.

Best: David Archuleta, David Hernandez, Chikezie

Probably going home: Jason Yeager, Luke Menard

Tonight, the girls take on the ’70s. Expect a lot of the Mamas and the Papas.

— Kathy Lyford

It was bugging me all week trying to figure out whom Amy Davis, recently voted off "American Idol," looked like. Today, I think I finally got it: It's Lindsey Shaw, who plays Claire on the CW's "Aliens in America."

Of course, this will mean nothing to those who don't watch TV's highest-rated show and one of its lowest. But I feel better.

— Jon Weisman

Here we go with the most excruciating hour of the week. That’s right, an hour, to tell four people they’re going home. Of course, who could blame the network? They could slap the “American Idol” logo on a test pattern and still win the timeslot against almost any competition.

So how do they fill the hour?

1. They spend a good deal of time defending the fact that several of the contestants aren’t exactly undiscovered talent.
2. They show a video of the contestants’ “journey” set to a Daughtry song. It involves planes, cars and lots of walking. And loving shots of Michael. He’s pretty cute, have we mentioned that?
3. The top 24 sing a medley of the most dreadful songs from the '60s.They all look awkward and have weird hair. It's like watching "Hullabaloo." I always forget how excruciating the singalongs and videos are. I am forever scarred by the singing puppet Ford Focus video from a few seaons back. Compared with that, or the Devo one they did in the same season, this one was a Dean Martin Christmas special.
4. They recap the boys’ performances.
5. Then it happens. The hammer comes down on Leif Garrett Haley out of nowhere. Whoa, dudes, that was harsh.
6. Then it’s time for the “Idol” tradition that’s always made the least sense to me: Assaulting the insanely loyal audience with a repeat of the worst performances of the week, delivered by young people who’ve just had their dreams crushed on national TV. What’s next, Fox? Marathons of our favorite moments from “Anchorwoman”?
7. Recap the girls, tell Kristy she’s safe, boot off pretty Amy. Amy sings. Bye Amy.
8. They show Paula’s new video. Holy crap. There’s Randy playing guitar. There’s lots of airbrushing and wind machines and electronic help for Paula’s voice. Make it stop. Paula's video reminded me of her MTV VMAs in the early '90s when "Vibeology" came out. Fifteen years later and she's still using the same tricks to hide her tummy. Paula thanks Randy for getting her back in the studio. Yeah, thanks Randy. Thanks a heap. “Anchorwoman” repeats are sounding better and better.
9. Joanne and Amanda are invited to the center of the stage. One of them is gone. Guess which one. Bye lovely, awesome Joanne. Joanne sings, better than she did last night. The girls cry. Like all of them. Except Amanda. Atta girl.
10. Chikezie and Colton centerstage. Colton is booted and somewhere in Oklahoma Kyle Ensley smiles. Chikezie Eze Peasy lives on to wear another neon suit next week. Colton is the first of the four rejects to cry. Paula and Randy inexplicably tell him to continue to pursue his dreams of a music career. And Simon, always the voice of reason, says “Get a job, kid.” Thank God for Simon. Colton sings us out. Almost all the girls, including Danny, cry.

Kathy: So no surprises really. Chikezie and Kristy are very lucky. I thought Amy would slide by on her looks for a few weeks, ala Haley Scarnato, but it wasn’t to be. “AI” forgot to cast a villain this year, so I feel a little sad for all four. I’ll get over it.

Erin: As for the goners, adios. Thanks for all the ammo and allowing me to vent on you. Only my therapist will miss you.

To borrow a phrase - Until next week, Erin and Kathy: Out.

- Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

The girls get a crack at tunes from the ‘60s. Was that decade this boring?! Seriously. Ryan calls this the best top 24 ever. Says who? Let’s give it a couple weeks before we buy into that notion. I would say this is the most palatable top 24 ever. There’s not an irritating one in the bunch… yet. Give it time, I’m sure instant fame will go to someone’s head shortly.

Things we learned from this episode: Simon enjoys when contestants sass back at him; a flu epidemic provided a convenient excuse for some of the contestants; Ryan seems to have a shoe fetish; “Idol” isn’t just about discovering new faces, but about giving second, third and fourth chances to folks who already had a moment in the spotlight. Yup, folks, Erin’s done her research and lots of these girls have a reality show past. Add that to the spate of contestants who’ve previously had recording contracts and you just might start to believe that conspiracy theory floating around the Internet that the producers have planted “professionals” this year to beef up the competition. At any rate, it’s way more interesting to me than Antonella or Frenchie’s nude photo scandals or the various arrest records uncovered from seasons past.

Things this episode confirmed: Simon is always right; Paula never makes any sense; Randy is almost never right and almost never makes any sense.

On with the show:

Kristy Lee Cook
Pre-“Idol” job: Horse trainer. And although she didn’t mention it last night, cage fighter. That rocks. Also a former model with a few strange musicvids making the rounds on the Net. Don’t believe me? Click here to check it out. It’s the odd homage to “Titanic” that did it for me.
Song: Rescue Me
Kathy: Oh, Kristy, you were my early pick. She’s OK tonight, but nothing special. She reminds us that she sold the “awsomest horse ever” to pay her way to her first audition. She’s going to have to do a whole lot better than this if she wants to buy back her pony. Kristy also reportedly had a recording contract at one time.
Erin: Well, at least we know she can sing more than “Amazing Grace.”

Joanne Borgella
Pre-“Idol” job: Plus-size model. Also won “Mo’Nique’s Fat Chance” in 2005.
Song: Say a Little Prayer
Kathy: It was mostly out of tune. OK, completely out of tune. This makes me so sad. I like Joanne so much.
Erin: I agree. She looked like she was about to faint. I was hoping for a LaKisha-esque perf from the lovely, larger lady, but she sounded like she was holding back.

Alaina Whitaker
Pre-“Idol” job: High school student
Song: More Today Than Yesterday
Kathy: Alaina is young. Very, very young. This will eventually become annoying to me. She’s pretty good but I’m having trouble caring. Simon claims to have never heard the song. I don’t believe him. He also declares that she’ll be great on a decent song. Which week will that be an option? Manilow week? Show tunes week?
Erin: They need an ’80s week. Just a whole show dedicated to keyitars and drum machines. All the girls will wear side ponytails and all the boys in skinny ties. Anywho, Alaina did a fine job, but she has no grit to her.

Amanda Overmyer
Pre-“Idol” job: Scary nurse (Erin note: This is Kathy’s opinion. I would go for rockin’ nurse)
Song: Regardless of the plethora of Janis choices the theme served up, she wisely chose to avoid that road. Instead, she sang Baby Please Don’t Go.
Kathy: Choosing a song without a melody may not have been her best move. In the middle of the song, I’m not sure what happened. Simon thought she forgot the words. I thought it looked as if she had to go to the bathroom. And Simon claims, again, to have never heard this song before. Huh? Anyway, I like Amanda a lot because she reminds me of Erin.
Erin: Thanks, Kath. I love this girl. We have the same fondness for Maybelline eye makeup, and I used to do that dye job with my hair, but it was fire-engine red. I am convinced that if we ever meet, she’ll be my new BFF. As for her performance, I didn’t actually care for the song all that much, but I did like her voice. The whole scat thing was lost on me. I know the song goes like that, but I agree with Simon. Even though I know the song, it did sound like she forgot the words. Doesn’t matter though. Love her. Amanda is my homegirl.

Amy Davis
Pre-“Idol” job: Tradeshow model, grad student, was a contestant on “Nashville Star”
Song: Where the Boys Are
Kathy: I have no recollection of this girl at all from the earlier rounds. She’s absolutely gorgeous, yet modest. And I like her, until she sings. It was out of tune here and there… and there. Because she looks like a soap star and didn’t perform well, anyone who’s seen even one episode of this show could have predicted Paula’s critique: “The camera loves you.” Translation: "You suck, but you’re hot." (Yes, folks sometimes I understand what Paula is saying). Poor, pretty Amy. : (
Erin: I thought this performance was completely forgettable. Kath, if you didn’t tell me the song, I would have no idea who this girl was or what she sang even if my life depended on it.

Brooke White
Pre-“Idol” job: Nanny
Song: Happy Together
Kathy: Brooke reminds me of Rebecca DeMornay. And she’s a nanny by trade. (Insert your own “Hand That Rocks the Cradle” joke here.) Brooke became a favorite of mine after Hollywood week but I was bored by this performance. I think she’ll stick around a while but I don’t think Simon will ever corrupt her.
Erin: It’s as if The N is producing this girl’s career. She has all the makings for a after-school series: 1. Has a horse 2. Goes to the big, bad scary city 3. Holds on to her morals despite the new influences in her life. All she needs to do is to find a bad boy to corrupt her and we have a spec script for the Mouse House. I’m waiting for her to bust out the Tori on her keyboard in the later part of the competish.

Alexandrea Lushington
Pre-“Idol” job: Student, church singer
Song: Spinning Wheel
Kathy: In Hollywood she sang Amy Winehouse. Don’t do that ever again Alexandrea. Ruin Whitney, butcher Celine. I don’t care. But don’t even dare attempt to match Amy again if you want to stay on my good side. Randy and Paula fall all over themselves praising her. Simon hated it. I thought it was OK. I did like her peace sign earring. Paula called her outfit “dope.” Paula said “dope.” Heh.
Erin: Remember when ’60s fashion had a revival in the late ’80s/early ’90s? Think early TLC musicvids or summer episodes of “90210.” That’s what this is. The one peace sign earring, the suspenders, the red Chucks… hello T-Boz (sans the random condom accessories). As for the performance, I actually liked it a great deal. It’s a weird song to begin with, so there are a lot of ways it can go. I thought the teen did a fine job.

Kady Malloy
Pre-“Idol” job: Recording studio assistant; has one album under her belt
Song: Groovy Kind of Love
Kathy: Here’s the thing about Kady. She’s the Rich Little of this competition, only funny. She does  imitations backstage and for the camera. But as Kady, she’s not great. I hope she sticks around because I think she’s got a comedic personality in there somewhere. Paula says Kady “looks pretty.” Kiss of death. Simon tells her she’s boring. Ryan steps in just in time to save her from crying on camera.
Erin: Poor Kady. I adored her gasping version of Britney at the auditions, so I had high hopes for the gal. I hope she pulls it together enough to last a little longer.

Asia’h Epperson
Pre-”Idol” job: Waitress
Song: Piece of My Heart
Kathy: They show her first audition again and I cry again. Damn you, producers, you’ve got to stop doing that to me; you’re turning me soft. Asia’h would really have to take a nosedive to fall from grace for me. Thank God, she was great this week. I love, love, love this girl.  Everything about her. Her daddy must have been quite a guy.
Erin: She is totally biting Amanda’s style, but it’s difficult to not like this girl. She’s just adorable. And she can sing well. Oh, Ms. Epperson, you can have this Janis moment. I’m feeling a bit generous today. But no more raspy soul singers for you, missy.

Ramiele Malubay
Pre-“Idol” job: Works at a sushi restaurant, http://www.myspace.com/ramiele
Song: You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me
Kathy: Ramiele’s been off my radar but she won me over this week. I’m a huge Dusty Springfield fan so thankfully she didn’t blow it. However, if she wanted to pick from the Dusty catalog, I think “Son of a Preacher Man” would have suited her better. She proves herself to be a girl after my own heart by announcing that hair and makeup is her favorite part of being an “Idol" finalist. And shoes. Hey Ramiele, want to go to the mall with me?
Erin: Love the shoes also, although Ryan creeped me out. Apparently, Ryan is as layered as an onion, with a foot fetish as one of the more hidden layers. As for her perf, I agree with Kathy. I was hoping for “Preacher Man,” but again, that song is as overdone as “Moon River,” so I’m glad she went with a different selection. She’s very soulful and I dig the funky haircut. She’s quickly becoming a fave.

Syesha Mercado
Pre-“Idol” job: Actress. In Miami. And a former contestant on “The One: Making a Music Star”
Song: Tobacco Road
Kathy: This is the first time I’ve seen Syesha’s appeal. She’s good. Very good. I’m not completely in her corner yet, but I’m coming around.
Erin: She surprised the hell out of me. I actually dug this song and her version of it. I’m still not sold on her “life lessons.” I prefer “Idol” contestants before they read “The Secret.”

Carly Smithson
Pre-“Idol” job: Tattoo shop owner. Unclear if she’s a tattoo artist, but she is a tat aficionado. She is also the most controversial of the wannabes considering she’s already had a record contract with MCA.
Song: Shadow of Your Smile
Kathy: Carly’s been at the center of Internet controversy due to the fact that she not only had a recording contract with a major label, she had an album released. Carly addresses this, sort of, by saying the record company “imploded” and left her out in the cold. She did not mention that her album tanked. Frankly I don’t care but some folks are pretty worked up about it. What all this does is put a lot of pressure on Carly to be the best. Simon was disappointed; Randy and Paula slobber all over themselves praising her. She was fourth best for me. I expected more.
Erin: So did I. I was expecting her to rock out a bit more than she did. But it might be because she caught the dreaded “Idol” plague, which originally was carried by production assistants arriving from Sicily on boat. Or something like that. My expectations on this chick are sky high, so hopefully she’ll skip on the ballads next week and get right to the rocking.

The best
Kathy: Asia’h, Syesha, followed closely by Ramiele and Carly. But my favorites are still Asia’h and Brooke
Erin: Ramiele and Amanda, although she’s just my favorite ’cause I fear her and love her.

The worst
Kathy: Amy Davis, Joanne Borgella (it kills me to have  to say that)
If I know America, and after six plus seasons of this show, I think I do, Amy and Kady aren’t going anywhere this week. I think Joanne and Kristy will bid us adieu tomorrow.
Erin: Amy Davis, Kady Malloy

Hey kids, consistency should be your watchword here. Tonight, the first eliminations. Two girls and two boys go home.

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

P.S.
True "Idol" fans who can't get enough recaps should also check out Phil Gallo's Set List blog and our pal Ken Levine's blog

Love, K & E

They rolled out the themes early this year with “The ‘60s.” And of course the folks at Fox couldn’t wrestle the rights to any Beatles or Rolling Stones songs away from their owners, so the boys are left with a bunch of songs that do little to represent the spirit of the ‘60s in any way, shape or form. The thing is I didn’t even know there was a theme until the second contestant said so. Is Ryan falling down on the job or did I doze off momentarily? The latter actually almost happened a couple of times — more on that later.

Before we get to the boys, I’d just like to say this is a nice bunch of kids. This may be the first time in seven seasons I haven’t actively disliked at least one of the top 12 guys. But it's also a very white group, which is disappointing.

And here we go…

David Hernandez
Song: The Midnight Hour
Pre-’Idol’ career: Worked at Cheesecake Factory.
Erin: His past actually makes me like him more since we share the same dubious past. I was a booth bitch in my early 20s. Performance. Not bad. Nothing I haven’t heard before at a really nice Bar Mitzvah. Honestly, it wasn’t very risky.
Kathy: David bored me. He just isn’t good enough to win. He bored me so much I have nothing else to say.

Chikeze Eze (You just can’t say that first name without the last name)
Song: I Love You More Today Than Yesterday
Pre-‘Idol’ career:  http://www.myspace.com/Clova03
Erin: If David had the Bar Mitzvah voice, then Chikeze brought the suit. Which he defends! To Simon! Man, talk about picking your battles. The first note fell flat, and the rest of the performance was the same. It was just painful. You know, it is inevitable that when you bring a bunch of twentysomethings to H’wood, give them posh surroundings and a makeover, there is a good chance it will go to their head. But who knew it would happen to Chikeze. He seemed to laid back, so positive, and it seemed he managed to triumph over a terrible moniker.
Kathy: He’s got a great smile but that’s the end of the positive things I have to say. The orange leisure suit was more ’70s than ’60s. And it damaged my retinas.

David Cook
Song: So Happy Together
Pre-‘Idol’ career: Slacker. That will probably also be his post-'Idol' career.
Erin: Am I the only one to be distracted by his odd combover? The emperor has no hair, people. A solid performance that will keep him out the bottom three, but there no way he can win this.
Kathy: No, you’re not alone. I, too noticed the combover and immediately thought of you, Erin. Because last week you gave his hair as a reason to like him. What’s happened to him between Hollywood and this week?! David wasn’t my favorite but he did get better by the end of the song. He’s safe for a while.

Jason Yeager
Song: Moon River
Pre-‘Idol’ career: Finalist on ‘Making the Band’
Erin:
From: The Producers
To: The Top 12 Boys
Congratulations. You have made it to the top 24 on “American Idol.” Please choose one of the following songs:
Moon River
You’re the Only One For Me
Moon River
Somewhere Only We know
Night And Day
Moon River
Moon River
I Could Not Ask For More
Moon River
Maria Maria
Moon River
Moon River
After the first few notes, I left the couch and wandered around the apartment looking for something to clean.
Kathy: It is difficult to make “Moon River” your own but that music teacher from a few seasons back (Anwar Robinson) managed to do it. Jason, however, did not. But Jason has an adorable little son who will succeed in getting Jason more votes than he deserves. Plus he dedicated the song to his dead granny so he’s safe this week. Also Simon used the dreaded “cruise ship singer” insult and it got me wondering. Has Simon ever been on a cruise? Maybe he shouldn’t because I’m pretty sure the ship’s entertainer would shove him overboard or poison his Baked Alaska.

Robbie Carrico
Song: One
Pre-‘Idol’ career: Member of Boyz N Girlz United and rumored to have once dated Britney.
Erin: I know nothing of Robbie, but I assumed he was a rocker. My bad. It was the bandana. Damn you, Bret Micheals.
Kathy: Simon called him out on the fake rocker thing and he deserved it. He was, you know, fine but nothing special.

David Archuletta
Song: Shop Around
Pre-‘Idol’ career: Won a kiddie version of “Star Search”
Erin: Thank God. Seriously. This is what I was waiting for. I needed a good performance at this point like Ginsberg needs an angry fix (See? I read. I don’t only watch reality TV.) David’s perf has inspired me to change my “I Heart Aussies” shirt into a “WWDAD” design.
Kathy: Before little David sang, I was thinking “I need someone to give me chills. I need a Fantasia or LaKisha knock-my-socks-off perf.” This wasn’t quite it but it was miles better than the ones that came before it. Thank you adorable little boy. David’s been part of the whole controversy over contestants who previously had record contracts. So I will ask this — Just how seasoned a pro is he? And how much of an act is the whole wide-eyed innocent thing?

Danny Noriega
Song: Jailhouse Rock
Pre-‘Idol’ career: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=335221891. Also pretending to be straight last season when he made it to Hollywood but not the top 24.
Erin: Oh, Danny. This performance broke my heart. Contestants need to learn to keep the Elvis songs for Elvis week. It’s only a few weeks away. Until then, you are supposed to do various power ballads. It just didn’t work for me. My guess is that the Danny is gonna make the bottom three. There is a tear-filled goodbye performance in this kid’s future.
Kathy: I’m sorry, Erin, I can’t hear you over the sound of Elvis rolling around in his grave. Jeez this was bad. From the ’80s punk outfit right down to the double-snap sass. Paula says we will see “many colors of David.” Yeah, like rainbow colors?
As Phil points out on the Set List blog, this song wasn't even from the 60s.

Luke Menard
Song: Everybody’s Talking At Me
Pre-‘Idol’ career: He never existed before ‘Idol.’ A creation by U.S. government agencies to create the ultimate singing sensation. Yes, I was too bored with the guy to do much research.
Erin: I was very interested in seeing Luke, because I know absolutely nothing about him. But a few notes into his song I slipped into a small coma. By the time I came to, I was still bored.
Kathy: Luke rivals Michael Johns in hotness. Too bad he doesn’t have the voice to back it up. He reminds me of the super-cute Matthew Metzger from a few seasons ago who ended up with a (non-singing) job on a soap. Perhaps there’s a future role for Luke as an amnesiac married to his sister who came back from the dead. (And yes, I had to look up Matthew Metzger’s name. I’m not that big of a nerd.)

Colton Berry
Song: Suspicious Minds
Pre-‘Idol’ career: Sang in church
Erin: Stop with the Elvis. You folks are using up all the good songs that could be held onto for King week!
Anywho, Colton is another under-the-radar top 24 player. He got absolutely no screen time, probably because he has the charisma of a kumquat. With the blond hair and black shirt, it was often difficult at times to distinguish him from the golden-hued background.
Kathy: Way to ruin another perfectly good Elvis song. I’m leaving the room if one of them attempts “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” Even Colton’s parents looked bored. Not a good sign. I did laugh when he said he looked like Ellen DeGeneres though.

Leif Garrett Haley (that’s what we’re calling him. Get used to it.)
Song: Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Pre-‘Idol’ career: Worked on his hair. A lot.
Erin: “Hi, I’m Garrett Haley. You might remember me from ‘American Idol.’ And if you liked my performances, you’ll love this CD of ‘Soft Sounds of the ’60s’ brought to you by Time-Life...”
At this point, this is the most boring top 24 in the history of the universe. I mean, I knew with the lovely Shawn Cassidy-esque flowing locks that the kid was going to do a ballad, but why destroy a perfectly good pop song? He wrung the fun out of that tune like a wet paper towel.
Kathy: So boring that Paula collapsed onto the desk. Or maybe she collapsed for another reason. I think Garrett might be a little bit of a stoner. I think I’m going to have to take up that habit if I have to listen to him sing again next week.

Jason Castro
Song: Daydream
Pre-‘Idol’ career: Once wore a fade. Ok, I made this up, but it would be awesome if these pictures surfaced.
Erin: This kid as a career in jingles. If you close your eyes, you can easily imagine him shilling a stay at the Days Inn or some sort of chocolate beverage. And he brought a guitar, which I’m still not used to, but I think I like it as an accessory.
Kathy: I didn’t know the instruments were an option in this portion of the competition. Why isn’t Ryan telling us everything?! I loved this kid. Loved him. Why was this the first time we were hearing him?

Michael Johns
Song: Light My Fire
Pre-‘Idol’ career: Sang in a few bands. Hot with hot wife.
Erin: A top perf for the night. I know he’s married, but man, they guy is still pretty smokin’. Traditionally speaking, anyone who ends the night is usually safe ‘cause we’re still reeling from the suckfest that came before them. And after Colton, Garret and Luke, Michael could have gone up there and sung “Happy Birthday” and still won the night, ‘cause it’s not a damn ballad.
Kathy: Man, he’s hot. And consistent. He’ll be around well into April. Thank God. That will give me time to crack open my thesaurus to find new ways to describe his hotness.

Worst:
Erin: Everyone who didn’t get camera time in the early audition parts of the show or Hollywood week; Danny Noriega
Kathy: Say goodbye to Chikezie and Garrett.

Best:
Erin: David Archuletta, Michael Johns
Kathy: Michael Johns, Jason Castro

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

Variety's "American Idol" recap champs will post their comments about Tuesday's round-of-24 episode soon enough (which means if you're reading this later in the day, you'll probably have read them already — such is the new-post-on-top world of blogging).  In any case, I just wanted to toss down a couple of thoughts.

Has any contestant ever done anything but damage their chances of winning "Idol" by challenging the judges' or snapping at Simon Cowell? As Chikeze Eze and Danny Noriega proved last night, however blunt Simon might be, it only makes things worse to fight back. 

First of all, Simon is usually right. So by taking him on, you're taking on the many viewers who agree with him.  In case no one noticed, during the audition rounds, Simon is as popular as any of the judges and perhaps more so. The caluclated howls of people in the studio audience and the churlish retorts by Ryan Seacrest whenever Simon says anything remotely negative don't accurately represent a cross-section of "Idol" viewers. Better to actually try to understand that even if he can't always articulate himself eloquently (though he's no Paula), if Simon senses something's off with a performance, something was probably off.

But let's say Simon was wrong to put the hurt on.  Let's say he was mean.  Well, Simon's not trying to win a popularity contest, is he? Criticism comes with the territory as a performer, and for many voters, a contestant's ability to handle that criticism with poise and grace plays a huge part in likeability.  Let's play back Chikeze's 2008 campaign, for example.

Auditions: Charming singer with potential.
Tuesday: Charming singer suffering through a mediocre performance, but maybe he'll bounce back.
Tuesday after Simon speaks: Crybaby who can't carry a tune on the big stage or handle the truth.

It's okay to believe in yourself and believe you did well in the face of criticism. Just don't lose your cool.

A few other tidbits ...

• David Hernandez's deer-in-the-headlights look, combined with his passable singing, made me think of Matt Saracen (Zach Gilford) coming off the bench to replace Jason Street "Friday Night Lights." There were moments when Hernandez seemed like he might just freeze out there, but if he can survive this week and ger his bearings, he might stick around for a while (even if he can't win it all).
• Luke Menard is probably in jeopardy after an uninspiring performance, but his song choice intrigued me, and I'd like to see him get another chance to make an impression.
• Ken Levine had two classic descriptions in his "Idol" recap: Jason Castro looked like "Lisa Edelstein with dreadlocks," and Noriega resembled "Jane Fonda in 'Klute.' "

— Jon Weisman

We open with a shamless plug — featuring Ryan Seacrest, Hayden Christensen and some special effects — for 20th Century Fox’s “Jumper” (which opens tomorrow at a theater near you!) The lame bit ends with Seacrest basically asking Hayden back to his place to see his etchings. Hayden, Erin and I, and America, collectively squirm with embarrassment.

Then the 50 contestants get fattened up for the kill with a buffet breakfast while the judges continue to argue about who is going to make the cut. We’re told that each judge had to sacrifice a favorite and, later, Simon makes it pretty clear whom he sacrificed.

Then we get right down to the business at hand: giving 24 kids sudden fame, making them instantly insufferable, and breaking the spirit of the other 26.

Each kid takes a scary looking elevator up to a cavernous room where they walk about a mile to the judges' table and essentially face the firing squad. Then they have to walk a mile back in tears. Yes, they're all in tears, win or lose, but for the losers it's the walk of shame. Yup folks, it’s the part of the series we particularly hate. Contestants are made to flounder in a folding chair while each judge proves to American audiences that they can not only judge amateurs singing Barry Manilow, but they can act too. After the wannabe settles into his or her seat one of three things happens:

1) Randy Jackson gets right to it and tells them “yes” or “no,” followed by “good lookin’ out.” Seven years in and I still don’t know what that means.

2) Simon Cowell either tells them they made it through and takes credit for it or tells them they made it but he’s not happy about it or just says “the road ends for you here” followed by an insincere “sorry.”

3) Paula Adbul babbles incoherently and/or plays word games for several minutes until the poor kid starts to have a mental breakdown and either Simon or Randy has to step in and tell them their fate and then scold Paula. The promise Paula showed in the video for “Rush” comes to fruition as she hones in on her acting chops in order to humiliate would-be Idols.

(NOTE: We think they need to add stretching portraits to the elevator ride, a la Haunted Mansion. They can use fallen “Idols” to drive home the point. Like Justin Guarini, where the short image shows him smiling at the camera, but the long image has him working behind the counter at Long John Silvers. Just a thought.)

And your top 24 are:

Hooray
Brooke White, the conservative nanny, with the winning personality.
Michael Johns, the saucy Aussie. But, uh oh, is that a ring on his finger? And was he kissing a blonde? Oh dear. Erin is bereft. Michael Johns has fallen from grace. Sorry honey. It just won’t work out between us. I know, I know. But you apparently have a very hot wife. But hey, we’ll always be friends. Friends with restraining orders. Love, Erin.
Danny Noriega. Love him. Just love him. Great singing voice and a perfect Emo haircut all wrapped up in an adorable package. There is something very ‘70s about him. I could easily picture him living in the same apartment building as a teenage Valerie Bertinelli, gathering helpful dating tips from time to time from Schneider.
Carly Smithson, the Irish import. We are all for the lovely lass from Ireland for winning. U2, leprechauns, Guinness… nothing bad ever comes out of Ireland except for the occasional potato famine. And the IRA.
Asia’h Epperson, who we will forever love for her for her first audition.
Joanne Borgella, the plus-sized model that we adore. I would love for her to win, but if you play the “American Idol” odds, it’s not very likely. However, her chances of winning an Oscar have increased exponentially since making it to the top 24. And thanks, Fox, we both missed the Joanne announcement because the show ran long and our Tivos cut it off.
David Archuleta. Another adorable young ’un. Modest, good skin and a lovely set of pipes. A definite candidate for the Top 4.
Ramiele Malubay. Great big singing voice in an itty bitty package. If she makes it far, there will probably be reference to her height on the signs audience members carry: “Good things come in small packages,” “Small Wonder”…
Amanda Overmyer, the Harley riding nurse. I really do enjoy her song stylings, but I can’t see her lasting past salsa week.
Kristy Lee Cook, the cage fighter/horse trainer.
Chikezie Eze. We don’t remember his audition but we love that name.

Eh, we’re not on board yet
Syesha Mercado, Too perky with no interesting backstory other than a few meager daddy issues.
David Hernandez, who Simon made clear was not his choice. Yes, he did well in the Hollywood round. But there are coffee tables out there with more personality. As a matter of fact I wrote down "David Henderson," that's how little impact he had on me.

Who are these people and where did they come from?!
Kady Malloy
Amy Davis
Alaina Whitaker
Jason Castro
Alexandrea Lushington
David Cook - interesting hair cut makes Erin like him
Luke Menard
Garrett Haley - This boy is a dead ringer for Leif Garrett. Not the recent mug-shot sporting version, but the ballad-singing pretty boy of the Me Generation.
Jason Yeager
Colton Berry. Blah. He’s like a Pinkberry serving with no toppings.

Surprise elimination (also, yay!)

Josiah Leming got a much needed dose of humility by getting the boot. Perhaps he’ll consider going back to school now. He's officially had more airtime than any other non-finalist in the history of the show.
Note from Erin: I am sad that Josiah didn’t make it. Not because I agreed with his diva antics at his last audition or because I feel he has a powerhouse voice, which he kind of doesn’t. But because now I am on friggin’ Josiah Watch 2008 making sure his car isn’t parked outside my digs, which offers few parking opportunities as it is. Thanks, Simon. FYI, I will happily tow your car if it means I don’t have to run six blocks to my apartment at 2:00 am. Nobody walks in L.A., kid.

And in the most painful moment of the night, when we get down to the final two boys Simon manages to make both of them feel horrible. It was down to Kyle Ensley, perhaps the nicest boy in the whole wide world, or Colton Berry. And the nod goes to Berry, but not before Simon lets the poor kid know he’s not happy about it, not one little bit. Which makes poor Kyle feel like crap because he’s empathetic and has feelings. Very nice, Simon.

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

Here’s the thing about Hollywood Week. When you watch the audition process, you go through a state of denial. “I’m not addicted to ‘American Idol.’ I just like to watch a bunch of losers try to sing Celine Dion because it makes me feel better about my life” or, more succinctly, “Why am I watching this crap?”
Then, you get sucked in to Hollywood Week, and that’s when you stop laughing at the folks and you start rooting for your favorites. This is the part of the show that sinks its hooks into you and drags you through the remaining season secretly hoping that Country Western girl, car-living boy, or girl whose dad died go on to win. The show moves from compulsion to obsession to addiction. Next thing you know, you can’t even just get high off the show anymore, you just need to watch it to feel normal. Like crack, but less socially acceptable in most circles.

This year Hollywood week had a whole new playbook. First off, the contestants can play instruments in round 1, which worked for some and against others. No group singing, which always seemed unfair anyway — would you want your fate partially decided by people with marginal talent who stay up and party all night? Also there’s no "Room of Doom” where they eliminate 30 or more people at a time. This time, you sing and if get two out of three judges saying “yes,” you get to enjoy the hotel pool and room service for the next two days. If you get a “no,” you have to work your ass off the next day in a second attempt to stay. The third day is a bloodbath. Contestants come out 10 at a time, each sing a cappella and then a lucky few move on, but most go home. On the second day you even get a band and backup singers. Somehow even with second and sometimes third chances some of these entitled brats still found a way to say that they were being treated unfairly.

Before we move on we gotta ask — what has Seacrest done to his eyes? Seriously. Dude looked weird. Second, why did so many of the contestants have blue tongues? It made the hopefuls look like they were part Chow-Chow. I’m really surprised the producers dropped the ball and missed out on an opportunity for product placement on the blue lozenges or icees or whatever it was they were giving the kids backstage.

Also why all the Bryan Adams? Really, producers WHY? When Simon told one boy it was as if "a waiter picked up a guitar and started murdering Bryan Adams" it got me wishing — if only that scenario had really happened, you know, before Bryan Adams wrote all those awful songs.

So we see a bunch of good singers, then a bunch of bad singers, then some singers who rock while playing instruments then some who should never be allowed near a keyboard or drum kit again. And then a terrifying promo to the local news station’s interview with Clay Aiken, who is starting to look like an old woman.

And then it happened, the best moment in Idol history. Ever. Really.
While perky, annoying Miss South Florida Fair Brooke Helvie (left) gave an awful, awful performance of “Unchained Melody,” Simon, with an evil twinkle in his eye, gave Barbie a go-thru, forcing Paula to shoot her down. That’s right, Paula said no. What the hell is going on here? It’s the first thing Paula’s done in her life that I approve of. And it’s the second time this season that Paula made a coherent and wise decision. It looks like the former Mrs. Estevez finally hit that right combo of whatever it is she’s taking. She should really write that one down.

And in the second best “Idol” moment ever, abstinence freedom fighter Amy Flynn (right) gets booted after a soulless performance while hitting several bad notes. See, ladies? This is why it’s important to toe the line of “bad girl” every now and then. At least a little life experience won’t leave you dead behind the eyes. Also, don’t utilize as your voice coach a former contestant who never made if past the Hollywood round.

The “Idol” gods are truly smiling upon me and Erin today.

They were also smiling upon Josiah Leming, who rocked the first cut, but couldn’t get the band to bend to his will in the second round. When he took to the stage he dismissed them and tried his hand at “Stand By Me,” and sucked so bad it created a vortex in the Fox studio that caused the judges to give him a pass.
The thing with this kid is that he is in a win-win situation. Once you live in your car, there is no bottom to hit. One to two things are gonna happen:
1. He will do well enough on “Idol” to get a contract.
2. He will do well enough on “Idol” to get a place to stay. He can milk his tragic backstory to score at least a year of couch-surfing from sympathetic viewers.

(P.S. from Kathy: I just gotta get this off my chest. I know I’m in the minority here but I can't stand Josiah. I don’t want him to do well. I am easily irritated by people who don’t have a firm grasp on the cause-effect aspect of life. Josiah dropped out of school; thus he lives in his car. Josiah lives in his car; thus he is lonely and has no friends. Josiah refused to listen to the vocal coach or find a way to work with the band; thus his audition sucked. Josiah thinks he is more talented than he actually is; thus he doesn’t think anyone can teach him anything. See how this works Josiah?)

Anway, last night the field was culled from 164 to 50 as we also say goodbye to:
- Single parents Angela, Perrie and Suzanne.
- Ghaleb Emaceh whose kissing bandit act was even creepier in Hollywood. I couldn’t tell whether Paula was fighting back tears or stifling a belch after he got kicked off.
- Cute brother/sister act the Lampkins (that's Jeffrey at right)
- Kayla Hatfield, the perky girl scarred from a car accident
- Anglica Puente, with the terrible “strict” dad.

Favorites (Erin):
- The David kid from San Diego did a sultry version of “Love the One Your With” that was awesome.
- Rocker nurse Amanda, who I am pretty sure I recognize from an episode of “Dog the Bounty Hunter,” channeled Joplin once again on “Light My Fire” and got a go from the judges.
- Up With People spokesperson Syesha Mercado, who fought off a head cold that made her sound like late-in-life Kathleen Turner.
- Michael Johns, the best thing to come out of Australia since koalas. Honestly, I kind of hope he doesn't do well. Finding him drunk and depressed in a bar after he's been cut will greatly improve my chances with him

Favorites (Kathy):
- Brooke White, the G-rated Carole King-type singer who I only sort of liked in the audition rounds and now I love.
- Asia’h Epperson, who seems to be coping well after her dad died unexpectedly right before her audtion. I love this girl.
- Michael “Mr. Erin” Johns. Anyone who can rock “Bohemian Rhapsody” is OK in my book. Don’t worry Erin, I will just love him from afar.
- Carly Smithson, (left) the tattooed ball of fire from Ireland

Honorable mentions (Kathy):
- Kyle Ensley the wannabe politician, who is destined to undergo the most drastic makeover once the stylists step in.
- Youngsters David Hernandez, Danny Noriega and David Archuletta, who at this point are all interchangeable for me. (That's one of them pictured, right, but I can't be sure which one. I think it's Danny.)

Honorable mentions (Erin):
Agree with Kathy on this one. All of the yougsters were super cute with their big anime eyes, super cool haircuts and great singing voices. (See how cute he is over there in the picture at right?) They were like a cross between puppies and Urban Outfitter clerks.

Those who I liked before but found disappointing in Hollywood (Kathy):
- Amanda Overmyer — Love her personality but she needs to tone down the Janis shtick.
- Kristy Lee Cook — The Oregon cage fighter kind of lost her sparkle for me. Still, I wish her well.

Those who I liked before but found disappointing in Hollywood (Erin):
Sorry, Josiah. You were so yummy before you got to Hollywood, but than one day later, you went Hollywood. Never dismiss the band. They know what they are doing when you clearly don’t. I’ll still be rooting for you, but you are just not as shiny as before

Erin, did you see the big gals Corliss and Brittany? Did they make it through? Gosh, I hope so…

Kath, I have no idea. And what happened to fingernails guy? Or Dolly Parton chick? Pia Easley, with the mohawk? Readers, help us out here. If you've seen them, give us a holler. We're worried.

Tonight we go from 50 to 24. There won’t be any singing but there will be lots of crying. Good times!

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

It’s the final audition episode of the season. Let’s all say it together: THANK GOD! How long have these audition rounds gone on now? Like three years? The wrap-up of the audition process brings out more of the good (sort of), the bad and the just plain ugly. It’s a highlights reel akin to what we usually see during a fifth-season of a sitcom when reruns are running thin. These folks run the gamut pretty good to “jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick, no.”

THE BAD

A shoutout to Corey and Chris Lane (below), the dress-alike-at-age-20 twins who convinced their girlfriend Ashley Lawing (yup, she’s dated them both) to audition by telling her she was great, but secretly set her up for failure.

HA! I knew It! I have had a theory ever since this show began that 60% of the bad auditions began with an evil friend. “No, you’re good. Really good. You will totally not make a fool out of yourself. And yes, you should wear that costume.”

Ashley has Kellie Pickler’s accent and IQ and brings along an adorable little Pomeranian puppy Panda, who turns Simon into a puddle of goo. None of the trio makes it through, and the three of them walk off into the sunset to set up a commune in Utah.

A little tip to any folks new to the “American Idol” universe: if the contestant has strong religious convictions, there is a good chance they'll suck. Take poor Tiffany McCampbell, who could be the stunt double for the actress that played Jamie Foxx’s mother in “Ray.”

Poor Tiffany (right), who borrowed Granny’s dress to wear for her audition, claims that her voice is a gift from the heavens (not much of one), thus allowing “Idol” producers and Simon to play Neizche with her beliefs. So, remember kids, when auditioning for “Idol,” please check all religion at the door. There is no God in reality TV. If there were, “Moment of Truth,” “Big Brother” and “The Bachelor” would not be hits.

Joshua Moreland, aka Jay Smoove. He sings an original song called “Beautiful Lady.” I’ll say it again: Original songs are never a good idea in the early rounds. Joshua hits some high notes that make him sound like a dog whistle and Simon declares his audition “revolting.”

THE SOB STORIES

Amy Davis, who grew up poor. Yada, yada, yada. No sob story is ever going to come close to Asia’h Epperson’s, so don’t even try. Amy is very pretty and very boob-y and Simon leers at her. Her voice is OK and we’ll see her again.

THE GOOD
Or, the not too shabby, which is about the best we’ve gotten so far:

Cardin Lee McKinney (left), winner of “I wanna be like McPhee” contest.

JoAnne Borgella, the plus-size model who sang the National Anthem at Madison Square Garden during March Madness. JoAnne sings “I Love You” by Celine Dion. We really like her. We want all models to look like her. But Paula nearly ruins a perfectly good audition by saying “I bet a lot of interesting sounds come out of you.” Huh?

Alesha Stelzl, who describes her voice as “unique,” which is never good. And it’s not — at first. Never in my life have I changed my tune so quickly about a contestant. When she began, her wobbly, shrieking of Celine Dion made my ears bleed. But than Paula made an interesting and resourceful comment… Before I continue, let's look at that last sentence again… PAULA SAID SOMETHING THAT WAS INTERESTING AND RESOURCEFUL. It finally happened. Mazel Tov. Also, Simon admits he was wrong. The Apocalypse is coming, folks.

Anywho… She tells Alesha to try again, but with Dolly Parton. Alesha scrambles to the waiting area where she quickly finds on YouTube Dolly’s tour de force performance of “Islands in the Stream” with a pre-plastic surgery Kenny Rogers. Then she comes back to the judges and nails it.

I think it was the song choice that got to me. I (Erin) love Dolly and anything that has anything remotely to do with Dolly. So, yay Alesha. Good for you.

I would like to also mention that this is the first time in “Idol” history that this ever worked. Usually, if the judges tell someone to come back, they return and are still horrible. But this time, the angels have blessed Alesha and her little-girl singing style. Take notes, He-man Princess Leia bikini-waxer dude (right, remember him from Philadelphia?).

Chikezie Eze, who also auditioned last year and is back for another try. He makes it through. His voice is just OK, but his name is spectacular!

Danny Noriega, who appears too young to even compete, hits it out of the damn park with his soulful rendition of “Proud Mary.” Danny tried out last year (how old was he then? 12?!) but nerves got the better of him.

Danny makes it clearer that this year, odds are in favor of a flamboyant gay man winning “American Idol.” I know what you're thinking but Clay was a runner-up, remember? We need someone with style, pride and humor to carry the "American Idol" torch. Someone that can both hit a high note and lead the Halloween festivities in West Hollywood. Kathy, what say you?

Well Erin, anyone who knows me well knows that the prospect of a gay boy winning “Idol” has me in a dither. I have all my fingers crossed on this one.

THE INEXCUSABLE

The whole broom bit was a fiasco. Thanks for poking-fun at a production assistant for your own amusement, Simon. Almost everyone in the business has to start somewhere, and most of us, me (Erin) included, began as a production assistant. The hours are grueling, the work is humiliating, and the pay is low. So there is nothing like mocking our status on the Hollywood ladder in front of 12 million people to make us feel good about ourselves. Low blow.

I did enjoy the montage of Simon mispronouncing all the names, however. But I was disappointed they didn’t show us his embarrassing attempt to pronounce Obama.

Seven cities. 164 through to Hollywood. Zero contestants who gave us chills or moved us in any way. Zero front-runners. But we do like Kristy Lee Cook the cage-fighting horse trainer from Oregon; Carly Smithson, the Irish lass with the tattooed hubby and the immigration issues; Michael Johns the saucy Aussie and future Mr. Erin; Pia "Zpia" Easley, with the faux hawk; and Brittany Wecsott and Corliss Smith, the buxom twosome.

I’m guessing that for the first time in seven seasons, we did not see the eventual winner in the audition round.

Next week! Hollywood! Contestants playing instruments!! People with actual talent (we hope)!!!

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

It’s Super Tuesday and we’re in Atlanta but this episode is only partially super. The intro song is “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.” Very original, producers. Atlanta is the audition city that spawned Fantasia, Jennifer Hudson and Clay Aiken. It’s also Seacrest’s hometown. Atlanta giveth and it taketh away. Seacrest’s parents show up and they’re totally normal looking y’all! I’m not sure what I expected but “normal” wasn’t it.

We’re going to switch up the order today and just get this out of the way before I start crying again:

SOB STORY OF THE DECADE:

Asia’h Epperson, whose dad died in a car accident TWO DAYS BEFORE HER AUDITION! Before she even gets in the room I’m on the couch pleading “Please be good, please be good.” (There was a lot of pleading going on at my house last night.) Because, you know, if she couldn't sing this would have just been all kinds of wrong.

Asia'h (left) tossed out her original song choice so she could sing “How Do I Live Without You?” — with aching emotion. And it killed me.Yes, folks, she can sing. And she’s gorgeous and she’s modest and can dress appropriately. I love her.

Simon also loves Asia’h. She even gets the rare wink from him. (He winked at me once and I was on cloud nine.) She made Paula cry. Granted, not a difficult achievement. If you’ve ever saw “Hey Paula” and her meltdown over the “Bratz” movie, you get the feeling Paula is often on the verge of a crying jag. Making me cry? Not so easy.

Many family members are there to greet her after she receives her golden ticket. We’re trying really, really hard not to be cynical here, but didn’t they have more pressing, um, business to attend to?!

SOB STORY (OF HIS OWN MAKING)

Josiah Leming, a high school dropout who lives in his car and is very lonely. Stay in school, kids! He says his family doesn’t know about his living situation. Well they do now, sweetheart! He sings a song called “To Run,” which he wrote himself. Josiah (right) is good but he picks up a Brit lilt while singing. It’s weird and charming all at the same time.

I only live a few blocks from the Idol studios, so there is a good chance he’s living in my neighborhood in a nearby loading zone. I hope he wins, because I can totally see him parked in front of my driveway for the next few years if he doesn’t.

THE GOOD

Amanda Overmyer, (left) a Harley riding nurse with a rocker voice. She would bring some much-needed personality to the proceedings. I was on my couch pleading “Please be good, please be good.” And she is, even if her Janis song choice (“Mean Woman”) was a bit obvious. I can’t wait to see what the stylists do to her hair if she makes it past the Hollywood round. I’m guessing red chunks. They seem to love that look and force it on one contestant each season. I think they call that style the Nikki McKibbin.

Alexandrea Lushington, which sounds like a name out of a teen novel. She can sing and she inherited her sass from her 93-year-old grandma.

Brooke Helvie, aka Miss Florida Fair, who was beyond annoying. Her perky pageant demeanor was off-putting at best and had me on the couch pleading “Please be bad, please be bad.” The things that are important to Brooke are, in order, performing, God, brushing her hair, oh and her mom and dad.

Brooke (right) sucked the soul out of “Who’s Loving You.” Yeah, yeah, she can sing, but I really can’t care. Alas, she’s going to be with us for a while. Simon, once again, is right there with me: “I wanted her to do badly. She’s possibly the most annoying person I’ve ever seen in my life.” She completed the audition with a shout-out to nearby dolphins by emitting high-pitched squeaks.

THE BAD

Eva Miller, who fell, which is fun. And sang and danced to Vanessa Carlton — badly. And pledged her love for Simon — repeatedly.

Then there were the angsty teenage antics of Nathan Hite, a “ninth grade repeater” who sang “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven. He did a fair imitation of no-talent contestants with lots of attitude but his attempt to out-retort Simon was feeble at best. Don’t screw with the master, kid. His proud parents greet him after his audition. Some people just really have low standards, I guess. I see another year of 9th grade in this boy’s future. Stay in school, kids! (But, you know, get through it in a reasonable number of years. You don’t want to be 20 at your high school graduation.)

Josh Jones, who apparently has crazy eyes. The judges made him turn his back to them while he sang. It’s said that if you look directly into the eyes of a glass-worker, he can steal your soul… and possibly replace your windshield. Yet they let him through despite the fact that he was terrible. Step off, son. Butcher a Queen song again and I will hurt you.

JP Tjelmeland, who auditioned three years ago and sat two seats away from Carrie Underwood. He still regrets not getting her number. Carrie, honey, if you’re listening, go get a restraining order, now. JP believes he has star quality. Oh lord. He also says the reason he wanted to be on “Idol” is so that he “doesn’t want to do four years of school.” Something tells me he’s not doing well in his studies as a music major specializing in singing. And what is it with the aversion to school down there in Georgia?

ANNOYING MONTAGES

1) Paula and “She’s Just a Girl Who Can’t Say No.” Also can’t “just say no” if you know what I mean.

2) Georgia peaches. Gawd.

3) Nerdy Clay-like boys singing badly. Except for the dude in a skirt, very boring.

4) Various contestants paying homage to Fergie with “Glamorous.” Producers did you really have to go the racist stereotype route and have that poor Asian woman sing “Gramorous”? We really hate you right now.

All the promos during the Super Bowl showed super talented contestants playing instruments. We gotta ask, where have they been hiding all these talented people?

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

They give us aerial shots of Miami and Gloria Estefan, just to get us in the mood. Not in the mood for South Beach, but for more crappy music. Man, this is getting tedious.

THE GOOD

God bless you, Brittany Wescott (top left) and Corliss Smith (below left). After the dismal showing in Omaha, these buxom gals are a treat — they’re both fun and talented. After making a beefy Seacrest sandwich in the lobby, they knock it out of the park in their dual audition with renditions of “Take Five” and “My Guy,” respectively, while trying to court the Randy (Corliss prefers a little meat on her men) and Simon (Brittany likes ’em skinnier). OK, so that’s one strike against them.

THE BAD

Julie Dubela. We hate this girl (below right). Her parents spent her entire life telling her how special she is, and now she’s got a superiority complex on par with Dwight Schrute and Joseph McCarthy. The former “Junior Idol” (anyone even remember that show? Anyone?) contestant “dazzles” hopefuls with her stale 20th-place winning performance, then throws a tantrum when faced with her own mediocrity. Oh, go home and practice that pouty face in the mirror some more. Ten years from now, she will be opening malls in the fly-over states by performing the same tired routine of yesteryear while wearing that neon netting thing. Folks, say hello to the new and improved Baby Jane, sans the letter from Daddy. “Junior Idol” is destined to be the highlight of her life, no matter how long she lives.

And, oh so any others:
Shannon McGough, the butcher/belcher (below left), whose burping was more melodic than her singing. I don’t think we need to elaborate.

Fabienne Hyppolite, who plugged one ear while singing in a language I’m not sure was English. Simon wisely advised her to plug both ears.

Richard Valles and his horrible Rascal Flatts imitation

THE UGLY

Brandon Black (below left). For a moment there, I though I was being treated to the antics of a crazed homeless person who accidentally got caught up in the “American Idol” line while looking for a place to bathe. Sadly, he took off the wig and it turned out he was a third-rate funnyman, who looks like a young Russell Simmons and sounds like an old Richard Simmons. My heart stopped when he began taking off the jacket. “Please, no. Please, let it end there.” Thankfully, he didn’t strip any further. He also didn’t impress, didn’t make anyone laugh and didn’t sing very well. 

SOB STORIES

Suzanne Toon (left), the stunner who got knocked up while attending a high school for performing arts. A common plight. Now she’s a 21-year-old single mom with a 3-year-old, blah, blah, blah, who hasn’t sung for three years. Wait, does giving birth render one unable to sing? I’m confused.

Syesha Mercado, whose dad is a drug addict/alcoholic. Another tired sob story, but there you go. I automatically dislike people who try to sell me on their positive-thinking way of life. You know what? I like being bitter. My bitterness gets me out of bed in the morning and through the day. When my resentment is in full force, my cheeks glow and my eyes sparkle. Also, I don’t scream like a banshee and call it singing. Re-reading this makes me realize that I should probably go out and get more cats. Like, a dozen of them. Then once I start chasing the neighborhood kids off my lawn while holding a beer and/or rake, my transformation will be complete.

That was Erin. Don’t piss her off. I (Kathy), actually like to believe in the power of positive thinking. However, I am also a realist and know that there are some things The Secret cannot give me: Longer legs, more childbearing years, $1 million… and a singing voice worthy of being heard in public. Syesha hasn’t learned this life lesson yet. Although scream-singing has made a career for Jennifer Hudson so maybe Syesha isn’t so misguided after all.

THE CRAZY

Paula. Like a four-year-old, she stuck her fingers in her ears and chanted in an effort to ignore Simon after the audition of Ghaleb “Inigo Montoya” Emachah (below left, doesn't he look like Antonio Banderas’ less attractive brother?) While his audition was just peachy, Simon’s comments on Paula’s future scandal were nothing she wanted to hear. After wandering around the table for a bit, she finally said yes to the Latin lover and sort of made out with him. Just ewww.

On that note, I think Randy and Simon have been drinking out of Paula’s glass this season. Most of the folks that have made it through the auditions would have never even gotten to see the holy trinity three seasons ago. There have been more costumes, gimmicks, dead parents and single mothers than ever, but nothing that has blown my hair back. Don’t get me wrong, there is talent, but nothing that made me say, “Oh, hell yes. This person is going to do some damage in the finals.” What do you think, Kath?

Well Erin, I can only hope that we have not yet seen the best. Beyond Kristy the horse trainer from Oregon and your future Australian husband Michael, there’s nobody I really want to see move on past Hollywood. Are all the good singers in Atlanta (Tuesday’s city)? Are the producers saving them for the best-of the auditions episode (Wednesday)? Or are we being made to wait until the top 24 round again this year? Or, God forbid, is there no talent to be had this year?

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

We’re in the heartland, specifically Omaha, where someone plowed the “American Idol” logo into a field of corn. And by “someone” I mean Nigel Lythgoe or the Fox marketing team. Or maybe it’s crop circles created by little green men, since everyone involved in the show seems to be in alien territory. I mean, really, they acted as if Nebraska’s biggest city is a two-horse town. At any rate, Omaha is evidently the West Hollywood of the Midwest (Midwest Hollywood?), or at least that’s what the show’s editors would have us believe. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Let’s talk about Paula, shall we? After weeks of almost perfect behavior, the train wreck finally pulled into the station. In this episode, Paula not only missed a good portion of the episode due to travel delays, but she had issues with bodily functions as well. Her questionable beverage hidden behind a Coke logo finally got the better of her as she hiccuped her way through Johnny Escamilla’s audition, pulling attention away from his retina-burning shirt (below).

Side note: When Abdul finally arrived, Simon greeted her with a lascivious “Paaw-la, come to Simey.” We’re pretty sure our colleague — also named Paula — has already set this sound bite as her new ringtone.

THE GOOD

We got nothing. It’s a full 31 minutes into the hourlong episode before we get to anyone who’s merely acceptable and then it’s a quick montage. And nobody hit the wow factor. We see none of these people going very far. So, let’s look at…

THE CUTE

Chris Bernheisel and Leo Marlowe made adorable bookends for the episode.

Chris (left), who comes bearing gifts of stuffed animals and photo albums to the judges like he's welcoming the new messiah. Chris is a Kelly Clarkson “fan.” Actually, he appears to be somewhat of a stalker. Although he would be the most benign stalker in history. His audition goes off the rails as he stops auditioning for a spot as a singer (thankfully) and instead sets his sights on Seacrest’s job (not a bad idea). The judges give him the OK to name-drop at his local affiliate, and Chris acts as if he was just asked to grand marshal the WeHo parade.

Wrapping up the hour, Leo gives the judges a good dose of modesty and humor and, thank God, a decent singing voice. If he makes it to the top 12 he’d be the first out and proud “Idol” contestant. You know where I'm going with this. After being invited to Hollywood, Leo offers to help Paula stand up (he called it “hugging”).

THE PAINFUL

Jason Rich, who forgot the lyrics to his song and required four takes to get back on track. I think Simon must be medicated. I've never seen him so patient with someone who hasn't learned the song they've chosen. It’s always fun when the people who mess up on the lyrics are horrible to begin with, but this boy showed talent. I scooted so far back onto the couch in horror I think I permanently destroyed a throw pillow. At the end, he pulled it together. He won’t last past the next round.

THE SCARY

Nope, not Lady Morgue (right). I found the name, the makeup and the pro-wrestling moves pretty subdued for a Goth. But if they ever bring G.L.O.W. back, they need not search for a new Matilda the Hun. (Don’t ask me why I remember this crap. I’m pretty sure I’ve pushed necessary information out of my brain to make room for it. Like long division). On top of all that, she sang like a Red Bull-riding Disney extra.

Actually, Rachael Wicker terrified both of us. I think women who go around challenging people to arm wrestle are a scary bunch on their own, but throw in the inch of foundation she has caked on her face, and you have a woman with a past. She covering an awful hurt in her life, hiding behind a mask of Covergirl and a tough demeanor.

Yes, I like to make up my own back stories for the contestants. It’s my thing.

SOB STORY?

Angelica Puente, (below) whose surname Simon charmingly pronounces “punt.” Oh, that wacky Brit.

There’s some sad tale about Angelica's dad, I’m not sure what. I know he’s “a good guy”, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what’s going on there. Did he leave? Forgot to get cell phone batteries? Kathy, help me out here…

Weren’t you listening Erin? She lives with Grandma because her dad is “strict” and wants her to “have a better life than he had.” He sounds like a real bastard, alright. He solidifies that status by congratulating her profusely over the phone after her successful audition, calling her “baby” and telling her he’s “proud.” Jerk.

Regardless, Angelica sang just like the she-male “Dealertainer” version of Celine Dion that performs at Imperial Palace in Vegas.

Tonight, Miami. Please let there be some talent there.

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

The auditions move to Charleston, SC, and our expectations are sky high since five of six "Idol" winners and half the runners up have hailed from the South. Our hopes are quickly dashed as the city (boy, does it look pretty!) is heavy on the confident but untalented singers and light on the future top 12 contestants. We would also have enjoyed more sob stories and freaks, but it wasn’t to be. Here’s what we did get:

THE GOOD...ENOUGH TO GO TO HOLLYWOOD BUT REALLY NOT ALL THAT GOOD

Amy Catherine Flynn, high school fun-killer who speaks out against sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, yet dresses a little like a hoochie. I guess you’d call her the ultimate tease. The abstinence-preaching cheerleader (left) really needs to hone that no-sex-before-marriage pitch if she wants to get through to hormonal teens. "Why not just wait six more years until you get married?" isn’t really going to work. Simon declares that a lot of people will find her annoying. Count us among them. He also predicts that she will change her tune once she lands in Lalaland. We're actually thinking college, probably at her second frat party after a keg stand, while wearing her Sparkle Motion uniform. We can picture the YouTube video already.

Michelle and Jeffrey Lampkin, the cute brother-sister team who display a disturbingly inappropriate chemistry while singing "I'll Be Your Angel." Jeffrey — a sort of flamboyant Fat Albert — is the more talented sibling. Big sis stands in his massive shadow. Erin likens Jeffrey (right) to a Rerun/Ruben hybrid and hopes they do well but Kathy predicts neither of them will make it past Hollywood.

SOB STORY (Just one!)

London Weidberg whose dad died three years ago.

THE BAD

Raysharde Henderson, who calls himself the "black Clay Aiken." I don't even know where to go with that. He's so bad he gets the Simon double whammy insult: "very cruise ship and cabaret." Ouch.

DeAnna Prevatte (don’t forget the capital "A," damnit!), the bitter, bordering on psychotic, waitress from Kellie Pickler's hometown. We'd tell you how bad she was but we're afraid she'll hunt us down and kill us. DeAnna (left) will probably see a dip in tips after the churchgoers get wind of her potty mouth.

Joshua Boson, who upon his unanimous rejection declares the show "fake and rigged," which pisses Simon right off and prompts him to call Joshua "rude and deluded." It might have gotten uglier but Joshua stomped out of the room

Lyndsey Goodman, the Air Force pilot. She doesn’t make the cut and we're so disappointed because this top gun chick rocks in every way except the one that matters most in this competition. We blame the song choice. Once again, a siren from the South feels it necessary to bust out "Black Velvet" by Alannah Myles, which rears its head at least twice a season on "Idol." The "Idol" licensing fees have probably been keeping Ms. Myles' rent from exceeding past due for several years.

Aretha Codner, (right) the fashion-challenged, overconfident namesake of the Queen of Soul. There are at least two things about her that resemble the buxom Motown diva. Her voice isn’t one of them.

Oliver Highman, who continues the weird trend this season of contestants having their auditions thwarted by impending offspring. Remember Antoria Gillon from Dallas who missed her audition to give birth and then named the poor tot Jamil Labarron Idol McCowan? (There they are, pictured below).

At least Highman (who probably endured years of mockery during roll call) wasn’t the one giving birth this time. But he actually dragged his poor wife to the audition hours after the big event. She should have considered telling him he wasn’t good enough while they were still at the hospital. He was pretty adorable and a very nice guy, but we’ve seen the last of him. We think the judges were a big too harsh on the lad. If anything, the last name only deserved a pity vote.

THE UGLY

Paula’s hideous gray arm warmers.

The montage of (mostly male) contestants singing Carrie Underwood’s "Before He Cheats."

Crystal Ortiz and Randy Stark (left), the couple who met on the AmericanIdol.com message boards and had their first face-to-face encounter by a garbage can. He doles out audition advice on the message boards and evidently many in South Carolina took his words to heart. The duo sings a truly awful original song about how they are all wrong for each other. Simon once again says what we're thinking and tells them to get a room. Blech.

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

“American Idol” rolls into sunny Southern California with its first-ever stop in San Diego. The network wisely decided to go with a more tightly edited one-hour version this time. I'm not sure even the “Idol”-obsessed among us could take many more two-hour over-padded editions of the audition round.

THE GOOD
Michael Johns, the saucy Aussie (pictured below) whose awesome, soulful voice is overshadowed by the sheer power of how hot he is. Seriously. I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m already coming up with the signs I’m going to hold in the audience if he makes it to the finals. As a wise man once said: “It’s not stalking if you’re going to marry him.” Yes. I’m pathetic. Don’t judge me.

Michael, sweetie, that was Erin talking. Let me know if you need help getting a restraining order. Call me, 'kay? Love, Kathy. P.S. You are this season’s Ace Young.

THE GOOD (with sob stories!)

Carly Smithson, the tattooed lassie from Ireland (pictured below) with the over-inked, “Carnivale”-extra hubby and an amazing voice. She tried out and made it to Hollywood a two years ago, but was disqualified over greencard issues. But now she’s legal (presumably tattoo boy is an American) and ready to try again. Well, she’s off to Hollywood again.

Perrie Cataldo, a single dad who inflicts his tragic hairstyle choices on his adorable moppet son. He does a good job with a horrible song (“I’ll Make Love to You” by Boyz to Men).

David Archuleta, the 16-year-old who survived a bout of “vocal paralysis” only to suffer through Paula making goo-goo eyes at him. The adorable teen sang John Mayers’ “Waiting On The World To Change.”
Erin: I would make fun Paula further, but I’m too busy trying to choose the color of my “Will You Marry Me?, Michael Johns” t-shirt. Paula, for once, I understand. Live the dream.

Samantha Musa, whose Simon obsession seems to run in the family.

THE BAD

Valerie Reyes, (pictured left) who thinks she sounds just like Mariah and who mocked the parade of social misfits in the hallway while chatting with Ryan. She butchered a Mariah song and was greeted with an "Oh. My. God." from Simon. Then, in the best moment of the episode (well, maybe not for Erin) she celebrated what she thought was praise from the Brit by pumping her fist and whispering “YES.” What a shock for her that she got three “no’s.” She took the rejection surprisingly well, unlike…

…Monique Gibson, who thinks she sounds just like Whitney. She doesn’t. Monique couldn’t quite decide whether tears or indignant outrage would get her more camera time.

Christopher Baker, Monique’s equally untalented sidekick, who used the old “wrong song choice” excuse.

THE UGLY (with the world’s most supportive moms)
Alberto Hurtado, the scariest contestant of all seven seasons. His Howard Hughes-esque fingernails, homemade fans and furry tendencies toward eagles pushed him beyond the point of odd to frightening. All that, and he was foolish enough to “make his own song.” His mother says he’s “very artistic.” That will come in handy during arts and crafts sessions at the institution he’s bound to end up in.

Blake Boshnack, who’s been living out his mother’s dreams by auditioning 11 times now in seven seasons. Last year he showed up dressed as the Statue of Liberty. His attempt to redeem himself this time around was destroyed by show's editors who located the old clips. His normal person costume couldn’t hide his secret shame. I got 10 bucks saying that the Liberty costume is still in the trunk of his car.

Question: Who is this amiable Brit judge and what has he done with Simon? Our resident grump is unusually sweet-natured this year. Part of me appreciates it and part of me misses his scathing wit.

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

The best way to think about the auditions portion of "American Idol" might be to compare it to a scripted improv show, like "Curb Your Enthusiasm." For the HBO comedy, Larry David sketches out an outline with certain story beats he wants to get to.

The challenge and the fun are in how David's cast improvises their way from A to B. Similarly, the producers of "Idol" aim to hit certain beats — the rural hayseeds who can sing, the physically unhealthy with a heart of gold who can't, the montage of truly egregious performers compelled to butcher the same song — on their way to the final celebration of those who made it to Hollywood. But you never know exactly how they're going to get there.

For the first two nights of "Idol" in 2008, the quality of the scenes in this sketch musical-dramedy was refreshingly strong. Within the show's familiar formula, the unscripted interaction between the contestants and the judges has been not trite but entertaining. The truly cringeworthy moments, such as Wednesday's session with the fingernail fetishist, have been kept in check. The fate of the endearing smalltown singer, Drew Poppelreiter, evoked genuine suspense.

And the concluding scene with this year's William Hung, Renaldo Lapuz, actually evolved into a tour de force moment by "Idol" standards — a multidimensional homage to all that is great and grotesque about the show. This week, "Idol" displayed a — dare I say it — certain sophistication. The cast and crew seem less driven to be nasty and more willing to just enjoy the good and the bad of the show. The feeling is a bit contagious. This may not elevate "Idol" to more than guilty pleasure, but at least the pleasure is there.

— Jon Weisman

"Idol" went back to Dallas — where Kelly Clarkson auditioned — for the first time since season one. We’re only one-third done with the audition rounds and I’m already tiring of the freak show. I made the mistake of watching live last night. Don’t ever do that. Once you lose the ability to fast-forward, you slowly lose your mind.

Of note last night…

The Good

Pia "Zpia" Easley (left), who channels many, many levels of awesome. Complete with faux hawk and Gladys Knight song in tow, I want this one to do very well. I fear she may falter in the later rounds when they have to sing the least offensive Barry Manilow song they can find.

Kady Malloy. She does singing impressions, intentionally, but really shines when she’s being herself.

Honorable mentions: Kyle Ensley (below), who reminds me of a politically motivated and healthier Chris Sligh… Nina Shaw, who's gorgeous and has a voice just good enough to take her pretty far…and Alaina Whitaker.

(My early pick is still Kristy the horse trainer from Oregon. Just want that on the record. KL)

The Bad

Paul Stafford, the park groundskeeper/roller-coaster enthusiast who sang an Elliot Yamin song. When will these kids ever learn? DON’T SING FORMER IDOL CONTESTANTS’ SONGS!! He did bust out the laugh-out-loud quote of the night however by saying “Simon goes down on everybody.” He meant to say Simon criticizes everyone, which isn’t even true this year. It’s as if our grumpy Brit has been shot with a tranquilizer gun. He’s kinder, gentler and hasn’t been unnecessarily rude to anyone yet. It’s refreshing.

Angela Reilly. She’s a bad singer but already a winner because she’s got the world’s most supportive husband — who also happens to be a model. Angela’s hit the jackpot.

Tammy Tuzinski, a walking ad for depression medication.

Rocker Kyle Reinneck (right) who likes to wear makeup. Not that there’s anything wrong with a man in makeup. It works for Pete Wentz. But Kyle needs to get himself down to the Dallas Sephora for a lesson on the application of cosmetics because the way he’s doing it now makes him look like a ventriloquist's dummy.

The Ugly

Brandon Green, who peels his fingernails and collects them in a Ziploc bag. I had to fast-forward to get past that without gagging, but than realized I might miss his audition, and ended up having to watch it twice. Just...yuck. We’ll see more of him in Hollywood. Goodie.

Bruce Dickson. Like "Enchanted," but different. The 19-year-old manboy who, on advice from of good old dad, is searching for his soulmate that will share true love's first kiss. Seriously. I think the guy who collected his fingernails was slightly less unnerving. Also loved that Ryan felt the need to announce the he had kissed a girl… today, in fact.

Douglas Davidson, whose dad hates him for singing. After the audition I think most people agree with Dad. He was sweaty and babbling and had to be escorted out by security, presumably right into a straitjacket.

Renaldo Lapuz (who is 44 and makes me wonder why they have age restrictions in the first place. Apparently, if you want to audition, all you need is a costume and the ability to feel no shame.) He landed here on planet Earth and has identified Simon as our king. And it's sad that he's not completely incorrect. Lapuz pays tribute to the limey bastard with "We Are Brothers Forever," which sends the remaining Idol cast to their feet and joining in.

Sob stories

Former meth-head Jessica Brown, who tore a page from the Fergie handbook on how to better yourself after a crank addiction.

Kayla Dawn Hatfield, who was scarred from a car accident but is perhaps the perkiest person on the planet. She got through to the next round based solely on personality.

One contestant never made it to her audition because she went into labor while waiting. And she named the baby Idol. Nuff said.

Best non-televised quote of the night:

From Erin’s mother after watching the cavalcade of losers: "By the way, in case I never mentioned it before, if you or your sister ever do this to me, I'll personally cripple you."

— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford

For Phil Gallo's take on last night's episode, see Variety's Set List blog

"American Idol" is back. Thank God. My sad little Tivo has had nothing to offer me in weeks. The audition rounds aren't our favorite but they did a better job this year at least of balancing the freaks with the kids who might actually have some talent.

THE GOOD
Kristy Lee Cook, the horse trainer/cage fighter from Oregon. I see her as a top 12 contestant. If she doesn't make it in the Hollywood round of "Idol" at least her skills would qualify her for a job at Medieval Times.

Beth Stalker, the G-rated, Red State-living mom who did a bang up job with "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered." I really, really want her to win, then have her corrupted by the evils of Hollywood, like in "Welcome to the Jungle." Then she can sell her story to Lifetime.

THE BAD

Anyone wonder what Jorja Fox has been up to since leaving "CSI"? Well, I think she changed her name to Christina Tolisano (left), dressed up like Princess Leia and auditioned for "AI". Duh.

Tour guide James Lewis, who reached new levels of bad with "Go Down Moses." Once when I was a kid, I accidentally knocked my Fisher-Price record player to the wrong speed while it was playing "Disco Sesame Street." At first I thought it was annoying, but now I realize it was a premonition of things to come.

The UGLY
Milo Turk, who took time out of his busy schoolgirl stalking schedule to audition with a song called "No Sex Allowed." I look forward to seeing him again when the authorities find all those dead hookers under his house.

IN A CATEGORY ALL HER OWN
Temptress Brown the teen linebacker (pictured below). She managed to fight the good fight against stereotypes associated with stripper names and sing her poor little heart out...badly.

Her sad story and obvious lack of talent gave the judges a chance to show that they can coo and coddle with the best of them. Even Simon. To a point. Best moment of the two-hour preem was Temptress announcing that she would sing “I’m Not Going Nowhere” by Jennifer Hudson. What she really sang (sort of) was “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” by Jennifer Holliday.

MOST CONFUSING MONTAGE
Rather than the usual grouping of people by bad costumes or lack of talent, American Idol judges went with alphabetical as they enjoyed the song stylings of Jonathan, Jose and Junot. 

SOB STORY TALLY
Temptress Brown - sick mom
Angela Martin - sick daughter
Kristy Lee Cook - sold her pony
Melanie Yema - sang backup for Taylor hicks
James Lewis - has job that requires him to wear colonial costumes
Joey Catalano – lost over 100 pounds but still no Jordan Catalano
Alexis Cohen, Milo Turk, Benjamin Harr, Paul Marturano - undisclosed mental issues ranging from glitter addiction to really, really, really liking Paula. Simon comparing Alexis to Willem Defoe was classic. Take a look at the photo on the right and see if you agree with Simon.

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell

For Gallo’s recap see the Set List blog. For ratings news see Variety's ratings story and the On the Air blog.

Yup, it's that time of year again.

Time to find ourselves face to face with those narcissistic posers, self-righteous egomaniacs, and, on rare occasion, someone who actually knows something about what it takes to create a winning song. And those are just the judges.

"American Idol," in all its pumped-up glory, returns Tuesday and Wednesday night and so the seventh season begins. The auditions, the insults, the crying, the tears, the guest performers, "Idol Gives Back," a trip to Hollywood, a final 12 and, when it's all over, another champ standing among the confetti at the Kodak.

Fox arranged a conference call with Simon Cowell Wednesday morning to discuss the new season, his reflections on last year and whether Paula is as crazy as she seemed in her Bravo reality show.

"Yes, she's an emotional girl," Cowell said, "but things were exaggerated in the edit."

Cowell affirms last season was a bad one, in terms on the quality of the competition, but believes this new group of contestants are a cut above from what he's seen at the nationwide auditions.

"This is a much better season. If it was worse, we'd have a problem. We can't guarantee to find a superstar but we're at the mercy of who turns up at the auditions. … I think it's going to be one of the strongest years in a long, long time. The talent is younger, more current and more interesting. I'm going into this season more optimistic than last year. Paula and Randy said last year the bar was risen, but I didn't believe it. I think it's going to be a big year."

Where "Idol" always arrives in January as the 800-lb. gorilla on the TV landscape, this year it's gained a few pounds. There's little, if any, scripted competition and viewers could be salivating for the real-life drama that "Idol" provides.

Cowell discussed this season's heightened ratings expections set against the lack of scripted programming, but the Brit said those raised expectations are nothing new.

"That's happened the last two or three years. We're in the same position as we were last year and the year before. The show has got to look better and be more fun," he admitted. "If it is, people will watch but it absolutely comes down to the content we provide the viewers."

As for his relationship with Paula and Randy, Cowell says that after being together for so long, there's bound to be fights and disagreements. But that's all part of the natural course of things.

"After seven years, you get on each other's nerves. We're not robots and you can become a bit argumentative or emotional."

Emotional isn't a term one might use to describe Cowell, who seems very calculating in his comments to impressionable would-be stars. Especially the ones who can't sing a lick and are deserving of his wrath. But even Cowell admits there have been instances when he's been unnecessarily harsh.

"There are certain times when you watch a show back and you hate yourself for what you said at the time," he explains. "You don't know their backstory before they walked in the room. Maybe their dog just died. You see their backstory and feel horrible."

"And sometimes you get very bored, but at the end of the day every person has seen 'Idol' and they know what they're in store for."

Not just the horrific singers, but audiences too. We know what to expect as well.

Let the hysteria begin.

— Stuart Levine