At last, we come to the end of our "Survivor" voyage. I'd be feeling all nostalgic, except that I have THREE HOURS of 'Survivor' to recap for y'all. There is no time for nostalgia. There is only time for facts.

Fact: Erik, at the beginning of Thursday's episode, is torn between many women, as Natalie and Amanda are both trying to manipulate Erik into taking them with him on the reward challenge if he wins. Natalie asks him first, but Amanda makes the more convincing argument. Or looks cuter in a tube top. Flip a coin. And both were wise to make a play for Erik, as today's reward challenge is "Survivor" Trivia -- but trivia about actual past seasons of "Survivor."

It is the first challenge to really give an edge to the fanboys, and you know who is a superfanboy? Erik! So he wins easily, and per Amanda's suggestion sends Parvati to Exile Island before the two of them take off for a day at a spa/resort.

And at the next day's immunity challenge, he kicks some further ass by running around and solving puzzles. Erik, you would think, is playing an awesome game of "Survivor." But that means overlooking that he's got the social skills of... well, a 22-year-old dork surrounded by scantily clad women who all want something from him.

Erik's strategy of just saying anything to anyone is a poor one, and all the women agree that if he weren't immune that night, he'd be going home... And that's when Amanda and Cirie begin encouraging Natalie to, um, "convince" Erik that he should give his immunity to her, as part of a fake master plan to vote Amanda out. Natalie thinks this sounds stupid, but when Amanda points out that Ozzy and Jason were previously this stupid, Natalie agrees to give it a shot.

Erik at first is skeptical. But Cirie backs Natalie up by telling Erik that if he gives up his immunity, she'll believe that he's committing to voting out Amanda, and that he needs to do something nice to win favor with the jury.

At Tribal Council, the women basically remake all these points, and Erik cows to the pressure, handing over his necklace. When he does this, the members of the jury actually start laughing at him. Laughing loudly. Oh, poor dumb Erik. Poor dumb voted-out Erik.

James holds his hands up high, declaring that he is no longer "the world's dumbest 'Survivor'." I have no time to mourn my beloved Erik, though, because it's time for the final four! Okay.

But as we start this final two hours of TV, we're going to play a challenge of our own. It's called "how many minutes do we need to fast forward to reach any new or interesting content?" The answer is twelve minutes: first, a full season's worth of clip show, then, five minutes of the four ladies gloating over kicking Erik's scrawny ass to the curb, followed by credits, commercials, and yet more gloating. At minute 13 Parvati climbs up a tree to get some coconuts. RIVETING TELEVISION.

The girls are all bonding, and we learn about how Natalie needs to learn to ask for what she wants. Of course, what Natalie should ask for is immunity, because Amanda, Cirie, and Parvati's alliance has been pretty tight from the beginning. Unfortunately, while Natalie gets a good lead on the challenge -- a combination of obstacle course and ladder assembly -- Amanda ultimately triumphs.

Natalie's not going to lie down and take it, though. You can tell, because they start showing B-roll of snakes and lizards. Natalie starts leaning hard on Parvati, which reveals that Parvati's concerned about Cirie winning jury votes, while Cirie's concerned about Parvati and Amanda liking Natalie better. At Tribal, the Favorites sisterhood prevails, and Natalie, the last remaining member of the Fans, walks off with a resigned smile.

But afterward, Amanda and Cirie get into one of those big emotional girl fights that's all about feelings and misinterpretations. Like all emo-girl fights, it ends in hugs. But all of them are optimistic that this season will end in a Final Three, rather than a Final Two, which means all three of them will be eligible for the ultimate prize... Whoops! Nope.

The girls instead receive tree mail summoning them to their next immunity challenge -- this season, it's a Final Two. Which is really sad for them, apparently.

Before they get to that last immunity challenge, we have to do the "salute to those who got voted out" montage. With commercials, this amounts to fifteen minutes of airtime. Oh, reality TV. You'll never change.

The final immunity challenge involves balancing a marble on top of an increasingly unstable wooden cylinder for five-minute increments, and Amanda takes it after Cirie chokes in the last round. But now that she has to choose between Cirie and Parvati, she's heartbroken. Amanda never wanted to be in this position, you know. I know it's a bit hard to tell, since she worked so hard to win that last immunity challenge, but really, guys, she's just devastated by having to choose who will compete with her to win the million bucks. DEVASTATED, I tells ya.

Ultimately, she chooses to stick with her BFF Parvati, Cirie walks off into the night, and Amanda and Parvati have a day to tear down camp and plot for their opening statements at the final Tribal Council.

Really, as Amanda and Parvati make their opening statements, the wisdom of Amanda's choice seems somewhat clear. The same people hate Cirie and Amanda. Different people hate Amanda and Parvati. And Amanda is much nicer than Parvati. Well, superficially nice.

But the picture that develops during this last Tribal Council is that of Amanda the faker and Parvati the flirt. Apparently, Parvati was flirting with Natalie? Natalie's feeling jilted? What?

Meanwhile, Erik and Cirie seem pretty firmly not in Amanda's camp, but Ozzy is very much Team Amanda. You can tell. Because Ozzy literally says "I started to fall in love with you"...

Votes are cast, and Parvati and Amanda hug -- and then we're in previously recorded New York City! Jeff gets right down to business, reading out the carefully arranged votes...

And Parvati wins the million by two votes! Crazytown. That's the ballgame.

What have we learned from this season of "Survivor," kids? Never give up your immunity. Try and avoid infection. And flirting trumps love, every time.

— Liz Shannon Miller

Welcome to "Survivor," which for the first few minutes is seriously concerned with the survival of Gravedigger James's infected finger. "Surivor" Doctor warns him right after Tribal Council that the infection is close to the joint, and if it's not better soon he stands a chance of permanently disabling the finger.  Meanwhile, Alexis face-planted while walking around that morning, and is now nursing a leg injury. Knowing that injury might remove two obstacles in her path to victory, Cirie is as jazzed as someone can be without coming off like a horrible human being.  But only just barely.

This week's reward challenge: Survivor "Family Feud"/"Trivial Pursuit," where everyone's quizzed about everyone else.  What are they gonna win?  Loved ones!  Well, not new and exciting loved ones, presumably, but visits from family members.  Erik is positively gleeful over his brother Kurt, showing off his beard ("Sweet beard," Kurt agrees) and his proximity to Jeff Probst ("Look, that's Jeff Probst, he's just standing there!").  Jeff tells Erik that he's a freak. Don't talk that way about Erik, Jeff.

I was gonna give Kurt the award of Hottest Family Member, but do you know who is good looking?  Cirie's husband H.B.  He even gives Cirie a flower!

Trivia challenge doesn't reveal too much we didn't already know, except that everyone is pretty sick of Parvati's talk-talkin'.  And James, who targets Parvati relentlessly during the elimination portion of the challenge, is clearly still holding a grudge.  Alexis wins, and decides to take Cirie and Natalie, along with all relations, to swim in a lake full of jellyfish.  Allegedly the jellyfish are stingless. Still not my idea of a reward, though.  Pretty to look at, but only through glass.

Hey, you know what sucks double?  Losing a reward challenge and then getting pulled out of the game by "Survivor" Doctor.  Jesus, is this season just three episodes shorter than usual?  James is the third person to leave because of medical issues (or being an idiot).  And, hey, poor James!  He wasn't going to make it much longer, anyways, but this is still super-sad.  But my boy Erik is the last man standing. So that's something to be glad about.

Alexis chooses an all-too-willing Amanda to go to Exile Island, where much digging and searching reveals the final clue to the now back-in-play hidden immunity idol, which is buried back at camp. I'm sure it's a little disappointing not to have it in your hands, but it still puts Amanda one over everyone else.  Which is good, because Alexis, Natalie, and Parvati are discussing who to get rid of, and Natalie and Alexis both think that Amanda is a threat.  Parvati says she could never vote against Amanda, her "Survivor" BFF.  We'll see how long that point-of-view lasts.

Today's immunity challenge: shooting a gun at sake bottles.  First to destroy three takes it.  What does this represent about Micronesian culture? Japanese fighter planes and World War II? "Survivor" confuses me.  Either way, Erik's possible past as a hardcore gamer comes in handy and he takes immunity.

Amanda, meanwhile, is a genius (well, a genius who says "oh my god" a lot). Right after the challenge, she empties her bag in front of everyone so that they know she doesn't have the hidden idol, and tells a story about how she couldn't find the first clue.  Which is a pretty small lie in the grand scheme of things.  But she confesses the truth to Parvati, saying she needs her help to dig it up.  Looks like their BFF-ery is intact after all.

Erik and Alexis, meanwhile, believe Amanda's story about not finding the hidden idol and decide to target her.  Amanda confronts Erik, asking him to tell her whether or not he's going to vote for her.  He says yes -- and Cirie also confirms that she's going along with that plan, since, with six people left, if Cirie voted with Parvati and Amanda then it'd be a tie that'd result in a random selection.  So, while Parvati distracts the others, Amanda starts digging -- which is when we dissolve into night and Tribal Council...

During the Oprah part of Council, Amanda does a great job of playing the pissed-off victim, calling Erik out for not protecting her when she protected him and hugging Parvati with the utmost of woe... Until, of course, all the votes are cast and Jeff asks for any hidden immunity idols that might be around.  Amanda grins BIG.  Snapadoodle! So the person going home tonight is the person Amanda and Parvati agreed to vote out, who is...  Alexis!  Alexis limps away into the night. I continue to struggle to remember who she is.

Next week: Erik is discovering the drawbacks of being the only man in a world of women.  One of which includes Natalie wanting to bitch slap you.  (Her words.)

- Liz Shannon Miller

I find it interesting that this week's "Previously On…" casts Parvati as a straight-up double-crosser, when last week, we saw that Cirie was also a huge proponent of betraying past alliances to vote out Ozzy.  But in gauging the aftermath, perhaps the "Survivor" editors have a point. Because while Cirie stays mostly at the sidelines this week, Amanda is actively annoyed by Parvati's girl power plan, and both she and James are pissed.

Parvati isn't oblivious to this, and first tries to save her relationship with "Survivor" boyfriend James.  But James is too busy ruminating on how Parvati can't stop eating "the apple" (of temptation?) to really take her apologies seriously. Here's a thought, Parvati: when your "Survivor" boyfriend can't stop comparing you to Eve in the Garden of Eden — your reality TV love may just be DOA.

Almost as awkward is Parvati's conversation with her (possibly former) BFF Amanda. Cirie wanders over just in time to confirm that it's her, Amanda and Parvati to the end.  But for some reason, Amanda doesn't totally trust the two women responsible for voting out her "Survivor" boyfriend.  Amanda?  Not as dumb as she looks.

We cut away from the drama to focus on important things. Like this season's blind auction. This element of the season always makes me feel deeply uncomfortable, like the producers are rubbing America's excesses in our faces. After all, Cirie spends $120 on a hot dog and french fries. Tell me what's more American than that.

Other highlights of the auction include James enjoying some fruitbat soup, and Natalie winning a large chocolate cake, which she and three others have to eat in 60 seconds. She of course chooses her alliance of Parvati, Alexis, and Cirie, and afterward Erik offers $20 to lick their fingers. Cirie takes him up on it. YOU'RE MARRIED, CIRIE. There is an entire montage of people licking chocolate off fingers.
Like I said, uncomfortable.

One interesting twist does come up during the auction — because Ozzy never played his immunity idol before being voted out, a new immunity idol has been hidden. We find this out because Natalie wins a chance to send a whining Jason off to Exile Island. "Maybe this time you'll find a real idol," Jeff observes.

After the auction, everyone talks about getting rid of Jason.  But that doesn't stop Jason from finding the hidden immunity idol easily. He thinks that this is a sign that Natalie sent him there on purpose, and that he and Natalie are in an alliance. But back at camp, Natalie calls him a "bitch" like four times while discussing how she and the other woman will target him at tribal council, with James ready as a second choice.  Erik isn't on the table, because today it's Erik's birthday and "as evil and diabolical and manipulative as women can be," Natalie says, "we want Erik to have a good birthday."  Wow.
Natalie's a real peach.

Today's immunity challenge is a mash-up of every single puzzle-assembling challenge. And before they get to it, Natalie pulls Jason aside and whispers to him that he should let anyone but James win this challenge, because James is on the chopping block. Damn, Natalie's a good liar. At least when it comes to men. Jason is putty.

The challenge comes down to Erik and James, but Erik manages to take it.  Happy birthday, Erik, here's individual immunity!

Of course, it just means an extra few days among these women, who are really enjoying their new power.  Parvati nicknames the alliance the Black Widow Brigade, because they are spinning the men around and devouring them. Yes, that's what she says. Yes, we keep cutting to inserts of giant jungle spiders when she says it. Yes, it's starting to creep me out. This show keeps providing stronger and stronger arguments in favor of misogyny.

Blissfully unaware of any of this, Jason is proving to be way too trusting.  By way too trusting, I mean he's doing stuff like leaving his bag unattended while he goes fishing, assuming that the women won't search through it to learn if he found the secret idol.

So the women search through his bag and learn that he does have it, but they're not too worried, because all they have to do is make sure he's comfy and cozy that night, so he won't play it and thus leave himself open to elimination. Natalie talks some more about how much fun she's having, discovering her true self: who turns out to be a stone-cold bitch. Her words, people. Natalie likes the word bitch a little too much.  Also she wants to floss his teeth with Jason's jugular. Does she think she's being cute right now?  She's sure grinning like she does.

At tribal council, the big tense moment is not the voting, but whether or not Jason is going to play his idol. And he doesn't! James does the cutest double-take. But James still freaks out as the votes get read off, because wow, James got more votes than I was expecting, honestly. And Parvati gets one vote!  Parsing the post-credits sequence reveals that vote came from James. A "Survivor" boyfriend scorned...  But Jason is eliminated, the big dope. It's going to be funny, when Ozzy and Jason get a chance to say their piece. Based on the way Ozzy's been glowering off to the side, I bet he's already got some choice words picked out.

Next week: James' hand is screwed up!  Families come to visit!  And Erik continues to be my favorite ever.

— Liz Shannon Miller

Last week, I was sadly far far away from my beloved TiVo, and thus I was reduced to trying to watch “Survivor” on this thing we called the Internet! But after five minutes of typing things like “And then Ozzy gets really pixelated and his words stop matching up with his mouth,” I had to give up and wait until my return home.

Before we start, remember the last episode, when Erik made up a nonsense word and claimed it was Micronesian for “good” and everyone agreed to make that the team name? Well! A note from the reader mailbag: “Dabu is better known (to Warcraft players) as an orcish word for ‘I obey.’” Thanks Eric-with-a-C! You have confirmed that Erik-with-a-K is forever my favorite. Cuz if Erik is a WoW fanatic, then he just hit a new level of nerd-dom.

Back to camp after last week, and Jason is totally psyched that Eliza was the one who played the fake immunity idol, and not him. Because certainly it’s better to be the idiot who mistook the fake for a real immunity idol but still stays on the show, than be the person who recognized immediately that the idol was fake, and played it anyway. Actually, it is better. Funny how that works.

Everyone’s laughing over how Ozzy got Jason and Eliza, especially Ozzy, but Cirie is a little sad that Jason’s immunity idol wasn’t fake. Because if it had been real, the votes against Eliza wouldn’t have counted, and Ozzy would have gone home. Cirie would not have been sad about that.

There’s like a full 10 minutes of Jason still being high on his victory from last week, and it’s starting to get a little old. Dude, you held your breath for a few minutes. You didn’t scale Everest.

But WOW, right away we move onto a reward challenge! Right at the top of an episode! Awesome. The Survivors get into teams to complete a memory challenge — they have to arrange symbols to match with a master board on the other side of a “multi-level net tunnel.” The reward is a trip to the island of Yap, which is when I remember that there’s a whole episode of “The West Wing” where Toby and Sam get a guy off the Federal Elections Commission by making him an ambassador to the Federated States of Micronesia, which is only chosen because Aaron Sorkin likes funny words like “yap.” My education owes much to this sort of thing.

A schoolyard pick means that Cirie, as the odd lady out, gets sent to Exile Island. I am now even more worried about Cirie. She heads off and some relay race/memory game action ensues — surprisingly more dynamic than you’d think. The Jason/Ozzy/Erik/Amanda team triumphs, thanks to a clever strategy of splitting up each row so that one person only has to memorize four tiles at a time. Amanda clenches Ozzy’s arm when Jeff mentions all the culture that they are about to experience. Yap culture! Oh, Yap is a funny word.

The reward folk have a great time eating food and watching tribal dancing, especially Erik, who probably regrets his short shorts when confronted with an entire village of topless women (tastefully blurred out by the editors). Erik admits that it’s probably the most breasts he’s seen in his entire life. I hope he means in person, because if not then Internet porn is not doing its job. Erik throws himself into playing with the little kids, learning the dances, eating the food, chewing the native tobacco, and drinking the local brew. He ends up puking that night, but he’s smiling the whole time. Erik? Still my favorite ever.

My second favorite, Cirie, is having a miserable night on Exile Island, as there’s no hidden idol and plenty of rain. She comes away determined to get rid of Ozzy. I do not have high hopes for her chances.

Today’s immunity challenge is an endurance one — the Survivors’ arms are tethered to big buckets of water poised overhead, which will douse them if they move. I’m excited — these challenges are always fun, mostly because of Jeff’s taunts and torture. He starts off by offering them a big bowl of candy, and Cirie and Erik immediately give up because they have never in their lives watched an after-school special about strange men with candy. “What in the Nickelodeon is going on around here?” James observes. Well-said, James. I’ll note that the water in the buckets is tinted, which will hopefully not stain. It’s not like they have a change of clothing with them, after all.

Alexis, Natalie and James lose their concentration. Ozzy gives it up for three chocolate glazed donuts and Amanda bows out for a bathroom break, leaving Jason and Parvati. Jeff comes out with a huge plate of food, which he tells the last two standing they can share with the rest of the tribe if one of them bows out. Amanda tells Jason to do it so he can make friends, and Natalie promises that she won’t vote him out that night if he does. Jason demands that everyone make this promise — Natalie, Erik, and Parvati are the first three to do so. Alexis and Cirie do so as well, but because they are small children they cross their fingers behind their backs when they do it. And when the rest of the Survivors make this promise, Jason finally agrees. He gets a standing ovation. And snacks!

He does not get much of Ozzy’s respect, though, as Ozzy’s pretty certain it’s now time to get rid of Jason. But Cirie want to get rid of Ozzy.  We hear this song every week, don’t we? This is the first time Parvati’s sung it, and she has the immunity to back it up, but she's also apparently human enough to think that maybe this will make her an awful person, since she’s been in an alliance with Ozzy since the beginning. But we see Natalie and Alexis tell Jason that they have the numbers to vote Ozzy out, thanks to Cirie and Parvati. Since Ozzy’s immunity idol will only protect him if he plays it before the voting is announced, this could work.

And holy crap, it does. Crap. Erik and Amanda are open-mouthed with shock. Jason does a victory dance in his seat. I don’t want to talk about it. Damn it.

Ozzy’s exit interview is pretty classic, for the record: “To the person in my alliance who voted for me, I pretty much hate you right now. So. Screw you.” Oh, Ozzy. You will be missed.

Next week: Parvati has made her bed. Time to lie in it. But not with James. “Survivor” breakup time!

— Liz Shannon Miller

Right off the bat this week, Ozzy's here to break down the odd nature of "Survivor" ethics, which basically seem to consist of "dance with the one what brung ya." And Erik, whose ass was barely saved by Ami betraying Ozzy last week, is itching to add some more potential dance partners. "In a perfect world," Erik observes, "the merge would be tomorrow."

Congrats, Erik, you're on reality TV. Perfection is within reach. The next morning, tree mail announces the merge, and the tribes happily gather for the traditional merge feast. The only party pooper is Eliza, who was relying on Ami to help out her alliance and is thus a sad bear that she's gone. But food solves most problems, at least for the moment.

I want to take this moment, guys, and announce something important. I now ADORE Erik. I'm not saying that because he's young and naive, I'm not saying that because of his increasingly bizarre relationship with Ozzy, I'm not saying that because of his long flowing locks. No. I am saying that because when faced with the task of naming the newly-merged tribe, Erik tells his fellow players that "Dabu" means "good" in Micronesia, and they believe him and agree on it as the tribe name. In truth, Erik just made the word up because "I wanted to name the tribe something funny. For all I care it could have been 'momo' or 'fo' shizzle'." Seriously, no one had better screw with Erik. My vengeance will be ineffective, but swift.

Meanwhile, as they say on "Gossip Girl," OMFG DRAMA. Alexis (wait,
who?) is getting super flirty with Ozzy, who is super into it. And Ozzy's previous "Survivor" girlfriend Amanda is about to rip someone's head off. Choosing to hate the player, not the game, Amanda decides that she wants Alexis (huh?) gone. Alexis (oh, right, the girl with all that hair!) seems pretty oblivious. That's always the way it starts.

How old is Amanda? Because every time she talks about anything I feel like I'm back in high school, no thanks to the behind-the-back gossiping and freaking out over her boyfriend talking to another girl.
And after Parvati tells Amanda that she formed a second alliance with Natalie and Alexis while over on Airai, it seems like Amanda and Parvati are on the verge of Friend Divorce.

Meanwhile, Ozzy picks up another Eve Harrington in Jason, who is super-psyched about being able to learn spear-fishing from Ozzy. He's also psyched about his hidden immunity idol, promising it to fellow outcast Eliza if he wins the immunity challenge.

And thank god, it's time for said challenge. I hate these single-challenge episodes. But on the plus side, I think we may have come to the end of the smash-tiles-and-assemble-puzzle-pieces games.
This time, it's kind of bad-ass, actually -- the kids all stand in the water, beneath an iron grate, while the tide comes in. Last one to freak out about drowning wins immunity.

Okay, this challenge is conceptually cool, since in theory gender and size have little to do with it. But the women bail out early, resigned to watching the men slowly drown themselves. And Jason, that plucky young go-getter, outlasts Ozzy for the win.

Jason is savoring his victory, thinking that with possession of the hidden immunity idol, he and Eliza will control the voting and be able to get Ozzy's "cocky ass" out. Eliza is much more excited than Jason, since Parvati's gunning for her. So Jason fetches his idol for Eliza... Oh, sweet son of Probst, this is beautiful.

Eliza, using her lawyer brains, quickly assesses that Jason's idol cannot be the real idol. You can see her thought process laid out in the following exchange:

ELIZA: It's not the idol.
JASON: Yes, it is.
ELIZA: It's a bleep-ed stick!
JASON: It has a little face on it.
ELIZA: Ozzy must have drawn it on there. It can't be the idol.
JASON: Why do you say that?
ELIZA: Because it's a stick!

Does David Mamet ghost-write this show? No time to wonder, because we're off to Tribal Council!

The usual rehashing of drama takes place, with Cirie making note of the fact that Alexis (right, that girl) is a solid competitor and thus a threat. But overall it's looking bad for Team Eliza. Especially when, after the votes are cast, she turns in Jason's idol... And Jeff announces it to be a fake.

Not missing a beat, Eliza immediately outs Ozzy as the true possessor of the idol, and Jeff throws the fake one in the fire (Ozzy: "Jeff, c'mon, that took hours!"). Seems to me that Eliza might have avoided playing the fake idol and gone out with a little dignity. But she's actually pretty good-natured about the whole thing, and walks out smiling. We'll see how long that smile sticks around, though.

Next week: Ozzy does well at challenges! Everyone wants to vote him out. That's completely different from every past week, then.

— Liz Shannon Miller

It's been two weeks, "Survivor" fans, and so I actually feel compelled to watch the Previously Ons. Adorably, the Previously Ons choose to characterize the Ozzy/Erik dynamic as father/son. Which is... cute. Incest-y. But cute.

After Tracy gets voted out, Erik is freaking about his chances of making it any further. This is probably because his BFF Ozzy "doesn't think of [him]self as a leader."  Ozzy says he's just a guy with a lot of survival know-how. Ozzy, in this crowd that MAKES you a leader. But it also makes you a target. His therapy session with Ami, who tells him that NO, of COURSE she was never going to vote him off, doesn't do a lot to ease his pain.

Over on the Airai side, things are sad enough that they're eating a rat Jason caught. But not so sad that Parvati can't talking-head about how pathetic Jason is for trying to keep them fed. Parvati, it appears, is in a Mood, and gets schemey. Since the general consensus is that Ozzy and James will not be long for this world after the merge, she decides to plan on an all-lady final four of her, Natalie, Alexis (Alexis? I don't even know who Alexis is), and Amanda -- which Natalie thinks will be "hot."  Oh, Natalie. Just because you're on reality TV like Paris Hilton doesn't mean you should talk like Paris Hilton.

I like that Parvati counts on Amanda (who's over on Malakal right now) still being her BFF after the merge. It's like when you and your best friend swear that you'll be friends forever on the last day of 6th grade, and then you both go off to summer camp and you discover how much you like computers and she discovers how much she likes being popular. And then she blanks you on the first day of junior high and you spend the rest of the year eating your lunch in the library. Not that that happened to me.

Anyway, this is usually the part of the recap where I bitch about how we've been talk-talk-talking for 20 minutes without a reward challenge. Turns out, though, that this week there's a reason! The kids on Airai go check out the tree mail, and discover a most curious note, instructing them to pick a member of the Malakal tribe to go off to Exile Island right before the day's immunity challenge. Whomever they pick will be returned to their tribe just in time for that night's tribal council... at which they will have immunity. Malakal gets the same note. This blows their minds, especially since they didn't even think they were going to have an immunity challenge that day. I suppose when you're on an island with no TV, the littlest surprise will shake you to your core.

We come together before Jeff, where it's revealed that Airai picked Ozzy and Malakal picked Alexis (who?), based on clues that the challenge was going to be about balance. And it is! Well, it's an obstacle course across balance beams -- first team to bring five flags back from the end of the course wins. The teams are playing for immunity and pizza and beer. It is the fight of their lives.

This is exactly the sort of crazy "American Gladiators"-esque challenge I enjoy watching, but it would be a lot more fun to watch if the previews for this episode hadn't constantly shown Erik chest-slamming into a platform. Fortunately, while the boy is hurt, it's not a mortal wound. Except, of course, in the world of the game. Airai wins, what, their fifth immunity challenge in a row? (For underdogs with a crappy camp, they have an impressive winning streak.)  And as Ami puts it, there's no way out for Erik tonight.

Normally I don't put a lot of effort into telling y'all about the teams enjoying their reward, but damn, Airai's pizza looks good. Also -- James can open beer bottles with his TEETH. Now that is a good skill for a man to have. Especially a man with quality dental insurance.

On Exile Island, Ozzy leads Alexis (huh?) on a search for the immunity idol -- mainly to find out if someone has taken his fake. He is full of glee when he discovers that it is gone.

Back in Malakal, Erik is telling the cutest stories about Ami's past and present scheming. Everyone knows that he's just talking smack to try and save his ass, but for Cirie and Amanda, Erik's tales do have the ring of truth. Sensing the danger, Ami initiates some girl bonding that leaves her feeling more secure with the tribe, and thanks Erik for inspiring her to do that. She thanks him while also casually pointing a machete in his direction.  Ami's a little scary when she has a really big knife and a really big smile on her face.

Fortunately for Erik, Papa Bear comes home from Exile Island just at the right time, and Erik does a really nice job of trying to sway Ozzy over to the vote-Ami-out place, mainly by saying that Ami wanted to vote Ozzy out a few weeks. Ozzy and Amanda have their first real couple's squabble when they can't agree on whom they trust less: Erik or Ami. They're not the first couple to fight over each other's friends, I suppose. Never underestimate the power of girl talk, or male bonding. But before Ozzy and Amanda can get to the make-up sex -- tribal council!

I thought the challenge would be the hardest thing to watch today, but that turns out not to be true. The hardest thing to watch is Ami break down in tears because she just wants to be a part of the tribe. It actually seems like it could be either Erik or Ami who goes... And it's Ami, thanks to Ozzy and Amanda's votes. I guess we know who wears the board shorts in that relationship. Bye Ami. I did enjoy your blue dress.

Next week: Time to merge! Hugs for everyone! Parvati is jealous of Alexis! (Who?) And Jason's dumbassery is revealed! Good wholesome fun for all.

- Liz Shannon Miller

So here is the good thing and the bad thing about having a TiVo. The good thing is that you can trust the TiVo to record every episode of the show you're watching, even if something silly happens like CBS switching said show to Wednesday night. The bad thing is that when CBS does something silly like switch "Survivor" to Wednesday nights, your TiVo just assumes you'll notice and doesn't, like, tell you. So, um, sorry about the day delay.

At the Malakal camp, Tracy and Ozzy are fighting over whether or not to kill the chickens for meat, as opposed to letting them live and eating their eggs. Ozzy interviews that they have plenty of food and it doesn't make sense to kill a renewable resource. Tracy complains about how Ozzy catches the food, cooks the food, and tells people when to eat it. If eating meals on someone else's schedule is that big a problem for you, Tracy, maybe you should cook the food yourself? That's what my mom used to tell me, anyway.

Seriously, Ozzy, buddy, if you have to get rid of anyone this week, do me a favor and make it Tracy? She's boring the crap out of me. Eliminate her, and it's a win-win situation for everyone. Well, except for Tracy, who will lose. But I'm comfortable with that.

At the Airai camp, Kathy and others complain about the rain. James complains about the people complaining about the rain. RIVETING TELEVISION, HAPPENING RIGHT HERE. Please oh god can we set something on fire soon?

Back to Malakal, where Erik is drawing up sketches for his "I heart Ozzy" tramp stamp. Though, when Erik tries to prove his coconut-gathering prowess, the moment takes on a slightly competitive "All About Eve" quality. "Whenever [Erik] says Ozzy's name," Cirie interviews, "it's like stardust comes out of his mouth. Ozzy. I think that if Ozzy were to propose marriage to Erik right now -- [claps hands] -- done deal." Oh, Cirie. Keep that up, and I'll be getting my own tramp stamp in your honor.

Jeff shows up! He asks if we're ready to get to today's reward challenge. HELL YES. Except, of course, that it's another crush-the-tiles-to-acquire-puzzle-pieces-because-god-forbid-a-challenge-emphasize-mind-over-body-or-vice-versa challenge. Plus, no fire. Sigh.

This time, to crush the tiles, four team members are blindfolded while wheeling a giant Micronesian money wheel through the jungle, while guided by a sighted team member. And Malakal, unburdened by Chet, wins it! Huzzah for Malakal. It's been a long time coming. They win showers, so there's a whole bunch of naked happening. Cirie abstains.

Back at Airai, Kathy is not enjoying the differences between watching "Survivor" on TV and actually being on "Survivor." Apparently, when she applied to be on the show, she didn't quite process that there is some amount of reality involved in being on reality TV. So Kathy decides to quit. That's right, for the second week in a row, we lose someone halfway through the episode. Kathy lets something slip about how her sister pressured her into being on the show because "she wants to live vicariously through me." That's going to be an awkward Thanksgiving dinner, right there.

Immunity challenge time! Because it doesn't matter how many people we lose on the way to tribal council -- if Jeff doesn't get to snuff someone's torch every three days, he gets cranky. This time, the puzzle pieces are on a pier in the ocean, and need to be dragged to shore via a tow line before being assembled by two other teammates. Ozzy, with a little assistance from Erik, gets all of Malakal's puzzle pieces to shore way before Airai manages the same task. But then Amanda and Cirie get blocked on the actual puzzle and Airai wins it.

Time for the Malakal who's-going-home dance. Ozzy hears my prayers and immediately decides that they should all vote for Tracy, but Amanda and Cirie want to get rid of Erik, before Ozzy and Erik's Love That Dares Not Speak Its Name consumes the entire island. Ami, meanwhile, knows that if Ozzy continues to have his way, she'll be out soon enough. So she tries partnering with Tracy to take down Ozzy -- but in order to for their plan to work, they need to get Erik with them. And while they don't really show Erik talking at all about that decision, they do show Ami reconsidering her plan and talking to Cirie and Amanda some more. They don't show her talking to Tracy. I start crossing my fingers.

At Tribal Council, while Jeff lays out the votes that eliminate Tracy, I finally figure out what's been bugging me about her face. I know you want to look good on TV, honey, but there's such a thing as too much collagen. Tracy takes it well, all things considered, though she keeps referring to Ozzy as manipulative in her out interview. Sometimes, I really think no one has ever watched this show before. Did you expect anything different?

Next week: The body count continues to mount. I thought we'd all start feeling safer when Joel was voted out. I thought wrong.

--Liz Shannon Miller

We come back to the Malakal camp on “Survivor,” and the mood is somehow lighter, less tinged by mortal terror. Why is this? Oh, right, Joel’s gone. Erik, shocked by the loss of Joel, interviews that he’s going to try lying and backstabbing now. Congrats, Erik, on finally figuring out that you’re playing a game based on manipulation and deceit. Probably would have been smart of you to figure this out a few weeks ago, but hey, points for effort.

Meanwhile, Tracy doesn’t like not being in control, and thus doesn’t like how Ozzy-focused Malakal is becoming. So she and Ami begin a formal courtship. Ami is more than happy to consider the thought of working with the Fans on Malakal. Seeing as how the Favorites never really liked her anyway.

At Airai, Jonathan worries about his knee, while James worries about Jonathan having to exit the game and “leave him with a bunch of girls.” There’s not a lot of time to dwell on this fretting, though, because it’s time for a reward challenge!

This week, each tribe has a tunnel and a bunch of obstacles with which to blockade it before the other tribe tries to break through. It’s a bit disjointed, and Airai seems to win because… I don’t know, they just do. It’s what they do, win.

But in victory comes tragedy, or something like that. Jonathan’s knee is just effed up, and “Survivor” Doctor tells him that he has to choose between playing the game or keeping his leg. Realizing that the title of “Survivor” is meant to be more rhetorical than real, Jonathan decides to drop out of the game and get proper medical care. I want to make fun of him, but it’s actually kind of sad. So I’ll let this one go. Meanwhile, Kathy is sobbing and talking about how she only knew Jonathan for a few days, but in those days they loved a lifetime. (I’ll make fun of Kathy a little bit.)

James, his fears about Jonathan now having come true, is concerned about being surrounded by women, whom he does not think he’ll be able to persuade easily. James, sweetheart, women are just as shallow as men. Just keep your shirt off, and the girls (and Jason) will fall in line.

On Exile Island, Jason goes looking for the hidden immunity idol while Chet enjoys a little siesta, claiming that he too has an injured leg. (Given the beating he took last week at Joel’s hands, that’s pretty plausible.) Jason manages to follow the clues pretty easily, discovering the fake immunity idol Ozzy planted last week. So of course the question is: will Jason think that it’s the real idol? And the answer is: yes, hell yes. Even though it’s a stick with some notches in it and no other decoration. Oh, Jason. You are a babe in the woods.

Jeff lets us know that Jonathan is doing fine before setting the tribes to immunity challenging. The task involves helping two tribe members cross between two platforms by holding up a pair of stepping poles. James literally carries Airai to victory by balancing Eliza and Parvati on top of the poles and hauling them across one at a time. James? Seriously. Enjoy your tribe. As you are now their king.

Malakal returns to camp, still in shock over Jonathan’s departure (losing challenges, at this point, is not at all a surprise). But Chet feels left out, and points out his own leg injury, which he decides also needs surgery. I’m sure it hurts, Chet, but until “Survivor” Doctor shows up I’m not too impressed.

No matter what I might think, though, Chet says he’s done, and asks the tribe to vote him out that night. He pretty much begs them to do it. Ozzy is all about that, but Erik is not, because Erik thinks it would be a much more noble thing for Chet to stick around, join Erik, Tracy, and Ami in voting off Ozzy, and continue to let the island kick the crap out of him. So Erik pleads with an exhausted Chet: “If you could use your last dying breath to do this for us, it would be the most amazing play in the history of the game.” OK. We might have a problem with misplaced priorities here.

Chet tells them that he’ll think about this Ozzy plan, but he flakes before tribal council and is quickly put out of his misery. As a result, Ozzy doesn’t have to reveal his immunity idol and Tracy loses her favorite pawn. I’m rooting for Tracy, but I have to say that I’m glad her plan didn’t work. Her “vote out the strongest and most interesting players” plan has had a lot of success for her, but it is making the show a little dull — and my job harder.

Next week on “Survivor”: Kathy’s ready to crack. But she’s been ready to crack for about two weeks now, so we’ll see how that goes. Also, rain!

— Liz Shannon Miller

Welcome back to "Survivor," where we can't begin a new day without remembering the last one. Remember last week? When Cirie ignored Jonathan's whining to become temporary queen of the Favorites? Good
times. But now it's the morning after the night before. And it is AWKWARD here in the Favorites camp. This isn't just wow-weren't-we-both-drunk awkward. This is the-safe-word-was-"raspberry"-and-I-know -I-said-"raspberry"-at-least-twice-and-my-wrists-really-hurt-now awkward. By which I mean Jonathan is pissed over Cirie flipping alliances, and Cirie sees little reason to apologize to him. Jonathan waggles his finger a whole bunch and no one trusts anyone else. And thus begins yet another episode of good wholesome family entertainment!

Seriously, "Survivor" -- if you're going to bother flashing "Fans" and "Favorites" subtitles over the names of the tribes, why bother having the tribe names? Why not just make "Fans" and "Favorites" sound vaguely tribal and leave it at that? "Fanii" and "Favorika," maybe. It'd make things easier on us all. In fact, I'm taking matters into my own hands.

Fanii Natalie, a personal trainer who's been pretty quiet up until now, explains that, indeed,  that is exactly her strategy -- she's keeping her head down and tending the camp like a good little tribe member,
presumably until she can make her own vicious grab for power. Natalie mentions this because old man Chet's just sitting around, neither plotting nor working, which is simply unacceptable. Mikey B says that Chet is bad for morale, and that "he's gone." That seems like a pretty bold pronouncement. But Mikey B has already proved himself to be much better at talking about this game than actually playing it. (And he's not that good at talking about it.)

Meanwhile, Eliza is apparently not up to the rigors of "Survivor"-ing -- which would make sense to me if she were a newbie, but nope, she's an alleged Favorite. What season was she on, "Survivor: Club Med"? Does she have secret limbo skills I don't understand? James speaks for Favorika's Hook-up Kids when he says that they're annoyed about getting rid of Yao-Man when clearly they should have gotten rid of the hundred-pound weakling. Eliza is totally offended when James and Ozzy openly discuss these basic concepts of Darwinism right in front of her. She may be a secret limbo-ing Creationist. She also hates
everyone on her tribe. Lotta love on this island.

Reward challenge! There are some coconuts with letters written on them, submerged in an underwater cage. So the coconuts need to be fished out of the water before being taken back to the beach, where the other half of the team will unscramble the coconuts to spell a word. You know what is compelling TV? Watching people fish one or two coconuts out of a submerged cage. You know what is not compelling TV?
Watching people fish 20 coconuts out of a submerged cage. But Ozzy shows the first real sign of being a veteran Survivor when he implements a solid strategy for coconut-fishing that gives Favorika a solid lead. And Gravedigger James is the one to figure out the word! Even he's surprised!

The Favorites win chickens, a rooster and chicken feed. I'll be seriously surprised if that rooster lives long enough to even get a taste of chicken feed. They also send Ozzy and Fanii Kathy to Exile Island. This actually annoys the Fans -- half because she's not a team player, and half because she gets to hang out with Ozzy all day. (He is looking less and less like David Faustino as the weeks go by, so I
suppose I see their point.)

Out on the "island," Kathy (burned out from her previous two trips to Exile Island) has no interest in looking for the immunity idol. So Ozzy blows her off to go searching by himself... and he finds it! Could have been you, Kathy! Way to be a quitter!

Ozzy proves yet again that he is pretty sharp on strategy, crafting a fake immunity idol to take the place of the real immunity idol was. This means that another visitor to Exile Island, down the line, might confuse Ozzy's fake with the real idol, and try to play it later on. But while Ozzy is good at strategy, he is not good at arts and crafts, and it's doubtful his fake idol (which he nicknames "Eeyore") will really fool anyone. He is able to do all this right under Kathy's nose, though, so perhaps I shouldn't go overestimating the intelligence of these kids.

And off we go to the immunity challenge -- which is frankly ridiculous. Most of these challenges tend to gain inspiration from practical skills, but I cannot figure out what's going on here. Six players from each team are bound together on a six-pronged hub that they have to maneuver around an obstacle course while collecting bead necklaces that plug into yet another word scramble... You think it sounds ridiculous? Imagine spending 10 minutes of your life watching it. Here's what matters: the Fans lose big-time. And you know what that means?

If you think it means "a full five minutes of Mikey B's overanalysis," then you are right. But according to Mikey, this Tribal Council is a no-brainer -- Chet is weak and everyone is done with him. Except for Chet's buddy Tracy, that is, who decides to stir up some fun by asking Joel why, exactly, he's rolling over for Mikey. This is, as it turns out, a fantastic way of getting Joel to do what you want. Tracy tells him that if he can get one more person to join them, they plus her Chet-and-Kathy alliance can get rid of Mikey right then and there. Joel doesn't initially seem thrilled by the idea of keeping Chet around, and even Chet is underwhelmed by Tracy's attempts to save him...

But! At tribal council, Darwinism does NOT prevail, and Tracy's plan works, with Mikey B getting the big snuff-out, five votes to four. Analysis of the post-credits sequence shows that Eric cast the swing vote. Eric probably has some beloved grandma whom Joel threatened to "pay a visit." Ah, well. Goodbye, Mikey. I'm sure we'll see you on the message boards.

Next week: It's time for the tribe switcharoo! Now I am actually going to have to start remembering the tribe names. Crap. Also, Joel reflects fondly on medieval times, when he would have been allowed to  kill Chet himself. Yes, he actually says that. Heaven help us all.

- Liz Shannon Miller

Oh, “Survivor.” Here we go again, beginning with the Fans’ Walk of Shame back from Tribal Council. After losing his main squeeze Mary last week, Mikey B the aspiring writer is pissed off. But not because he lost his primary ally! Oh, no! He’s pissed off because Joel decided to target Mary, when everyone knows that at this point in the competition you eliminate the weaker players. I wait for Mikey to explain what the loss of Mary’s cleavage has cost the Favorites team, but he never quite gets around to that.

Meanwhile Joel the firefighter, ever so graceful in victory, talks about how much he’d like to swing a baseball bat into Mikey’s face. Wow, Joel doesn’t even bother with the whole “he seemed like such a nice boy, who would have thought…” routine. Has anyone seen Mikey B. alive since this was filmed? Or is Joel waiting until after the reunion special?

After the whole Jonny Fairplay incident, the Hookup Kids decide to avoid any swing vote drama by courting Cirie immediately. Cirie, in turn, seems in no real hurry to make any sort of decision. I like her laid back approach to this game. It’s like she actually enjoys being on this gorgeous little island at the end of the world.

Hey, and then some tree mail magically happens! Because I am an old-timer, I remember the days when tree mail maybe meant a map to some more rice. Today, the tribes each get a copy of the Land’s End “Survivor” edition catalog, out of which they are to make three choices for reward, as well as some war paint. They have a jolly old time making each other up, while talking about going to war like it’s fun. Sometimes reality TV isn’t quite the escape you want it to be.

That terrifying quote from last week’s preview, about how Joel is going to kill anyone who tries to invade his home? Within the context of the episode it doesn’t get any better, because he prefaces this statement with “logically.” Great. Not only will he murder you, he’ll do it in cold blood.

The tribes meet up for this nice proper reward challenge, which is just tackle football with six balls. This is not quite the Super Bowl, though — mainly because there’s a lot of co-ed half-naked wrestling going on. I mean, a LOT. Both tribes seem to consider this quite a fun sexy war. I’ve read about inter-tribal war in the Pacific islands, though, and in real life it’s much less sexy. And there are more machetes.

Through no obvious use of strategy or skill, the Favorites win (probably because Joel didn’t have any machetes), and Kathy gets sent again to Exile Island. Oh, Kathy. Don’t worry. The mean girls in high school didn’t like me, either. Ami from the Favorites also goes to Exile Island, very excited about getting away from all the making out.

Back at camp, Cirie jokes about how she wishes that the two alliances would court her favor a little harder, since she’s the swing vote and thus has the option of playing both sides against each other. Seems like this is the position Jonny Fairplay was in two weeks ago, just before both alliances agreed to shoot him in the head and dump the body in the woods. But Cirie is uninterested in history, no matter how recent, and begins talking to Amanda and Parvati about trust issues within their alliances, clearly fishing to see if any breakups are on the horizon.

WAIT. Is Jonathan wearing a fedora? The answer is yes, he is. He is wearing a battered grey I-am-hiding-my-bald-spot-with-my-fierce-fashion-sense fedora. Wow. That’s either ridiculous or fantastic. It might just be both. He wears this fedora while talking with Eliza about whether or not Cirie is going to turn on them. He stares at Cirie’s girl-bonding moment. I stare at the hat…

Anyway, Cirie, Amanda and Parvati agree to be gal pals all the way to the end, even if Ozzy knocks up Amanda. You think I’m kidding about that last bit, but no, Cirie is specific on that point. She refers to Ozzy and Amanda’s potential spawn as “Ozlets.” Cirie clearly adheres to the medieval belief that a child is the sole genetic product of its father.

It’s nice that Cirie now has some BFFs (is she the Charlotte or the Carrie in this group?), but I worry about her. I don’t want to imply anything about their virtue, but on the first night both Amanda and Parvati immediately put out — I mean, formed alliances. So they seem a little loose. With their alliances, that is.

Night 7: A monsoon comes, and without any shelter supplies the Fans have a rough night. The next morning, they are so cold that the girls are wearing clothes over their bikinis. Actually, they do seem very sad and miserable. Chet the gay guy gives out hugs. Joel goes and sits in the boat. Staring out at the ocean. Perhaps he yearns for home. Or perhaps he yearns for his trophy case of human ears.

The immunity challenge is a game of coconut basketball, at which the women and weaker men actually do a little better, because they almost immediately start throwing underhand. It seems vaguely neck-and-neck, but given how much time we’ve already spent watching the Favorites scheme and fret, it comes as very little surprise when the Fans win it.

Back at the Favorites camp, there’s a whole lot of talking, which boils down to Cirie being worried about Yau-Man finding an immunity idol on Exile Island, because he is apparently smart (he does wear glasses, after all). So she wants to vote him out before that can happen, and because she’s the swing vote for the Hookup Kids, she in theory gets to do whatever she wants. But Ozzie wants to vote out Eliza, because she is apparently bad at challenges (she is a woman, after all — jeez, it only took three weeks for this show to make me a misogynist).

Parvati: “I just don’t think it’s a good thing if we vote for different people. I think we all need to vote for the same person.” Parvati has a real grip on the concept of an alliance here. So does Eliza, when she observes that “they’re not going to go into Tribal Council split. That’s the stupidest thing ever.” But Jonathan, who’s been eavesdropping on all this drama, decides to bank on that stupidity and target his alliance at Parvati.

Tribal Council gets catty when Jonathan calls Cirie out for manipulating both alliances, and Cirie tells him that she doesn’t trust him “as far as I can pick you up and throw you.” You know, squabbling at Tribal Council seems like the most gauche thing ever. It’s like cursing in front of your grandmother. Your sexy, scruffy, khaki-wearing grandmother.

Anyway, turns out Cirie was able to get her ducks in order. Yau-Man is voted out, reducing the Bitter Spinsters to three, and making Cirie Queen of the Hookup Kids. We’ll see how that goes for her down the line, but in the meantime — well-played, Cirie.  Well-played.

Next week on “Survivor”: They promise that Exile Island can’t be missed. I’ll believe that when I see it. So I guess I won’t miss it.  Damn it, “Survivor”!  You win this one.

— Liz Shannon Miller

What I enjoy sometimes about the nonfiction format is that it puts my own life in perspective. For example: maybe I'm single this Valentine's Day, but at least I'm not playing to the cameras with a cheap and meaningless reality show affair.  Thanks for the reality check, "Survivor"!

The Favorites return to camp Night 3 down one Fairplay, but up one fish, which Ozzy has apparently caught with his bare hands in the dark.  OK.  Maybe I can get over the David Faustino resemblance. But only because I like sushi, and I like men who can provide me sushi even more.

The next morning, we hang out with the Fans, who are trying to establish some order in their chaotic camp - mainly by shouting a whole bunch. Finally, they start focusing on building a fire.

For fans of a show that emphasizes basic survival skills, these guys are absolutely useless at starting a fire. How do you sign up for this show without considering the possibility that knowing how to build a fire might be important? There are 9-year-old Girl Scouts who are better prepared.

"Why is everyone talking all the time and not working?" says Joel the firefighter (while the irony of being a firefighter who can't make fire flies right over his head). Meanwhile, Mikey B the aspiring writer cackles with glee over how much drama the Fans are able to generate out of these simple tasks. "We haven't even had to go to tribal council yet, and there's all this drama!" Shut up, Dramarama.

Eventually, the firestarters give up on the flint and start focusing on what Kathy has been moaning about all morning - making a decent shelter. Their solution though, is to call dibs on the caves where Kathy, Tracy and Chet were planning to sleep - and then telling Kathy et al that they're not welcome in CaveTown.

This quickly establishes the new lines of the tribe, setting up Tracy, Kathy, and Chet as outcasts. Kathy reacts by immediately comparing the other, productive members of the tribe to "those mean girls in high school," an argument that will sound familiar to anyone who's spent time on Internet message boards, while Tracy and Chet devise a separate shelter. Meanwhile, the cool kids all stand around and laugh about how cool they are not to be like the outcasts. This show is a feat of subtlety.

However, Kathy, Tracy and Chet's shelter ends up being totally rad, thanks to Tracy's mad skills, and the cool kids deign to admit that they belong to the same tribe. Especially after Tracy helps them build a another shelter. They make fire! Everyone eats clam! Peace and prosperity reign! Except, of course, that Mikey and Mary the real estate agent are flirting bunches, annoying Joel. And Joel?  Not the sort of guy you want to annoy.

That night at the Favorites camp, the Hookup Kids from last week are making out right in front of the rest of the tribe, offending many delicate sensibilities. Hard to imagine that veteran "Survivor' contestants would have boundary issues, but there you go. Fed up with the exhibitionists, Cirie gets off the sidelines and joins up with the Bitter Spinster alliance, and oh my God, there's been like 20 minutes of this crap. Can we please get to a physical challenge?

Jeff Probst says yes, yes we can. This week's game is swimming to a platform to release keys that a Keymaster (insert your own "Ghostbusters" joke here) uses to unlock a box containing puzzle pieces that the Puzzlemasters assemble. It is a complicated series of tasks requiring eight people filling a number of different roles. The Fans sit out Kathy, and the action begins!

The Favorites obliterate the challenge (Jeff likes to say "obliterate" a lot), while Chet fails to find his key, costing the Fans victory and dooming them to Tribal Council. The Favorites get to choose someone from the Fans team to send to Exile Island, and they choose Kathy because they are also mean girls like the ones in high school.  But Jeff slams down a surprise - the Favorites also have to send someone from their tribe to Exile Island! Shocking! They choose Cirie. Not so shocking.

As someone who stopped watching "Survivor" in 2001, Exile Island is a bit confusing to me, but according to Jeff it's a chance for one tribe member to get a short vacation away from their tribe - while the rest of their tribe schemes against them.

Kathy (left) and Cirie spend their intimate little getaway together walking back and forth across the ocean, looking for an immunity idol. It is the most exhausting and frustrating first date I can imagine, and I have been on some bad ones.

At the Fans camp, Mikey wants to target Chet, and is overanalyzing the way voting might break down as only a true fan can. Joel is confused and annoyed - both by Mikey's nerding out and the way in which he's trying to take control of the tribe. So Joel, knowing that Mikey is the biggest threat, decides to target... Mary, not Mikey. Because the Mikey/Mary alliance needs to be destroyed and "they'll need Mikey for some of the challenges." I can't figure out if Joel is sexist or jealous, but hey, who says I have to pick one?

Joel's scheming works, with five people voting to eliminate Mary. He grins as she walks out. It's an important message for Valentine's Day: no one likes a happy couple.

Next week: The teams play Tackle Water Capture the Flag or something. Joel: "If someone comes and invades my home I'm going to kill them." I believe him.

- Liz Shannon Miller

OK. Like every good American, I watched the first two seasons of “Survivor.” Why? Because it was new and fresh and fun. But around season 3, I started feeling like the tricks of the game had become too obvious, and it wasn’t as entertaining anymore. Which is probably why the concept for this, “Survivor’s” 16th season, is kind of brilliant. Why not acknowledge the fact that viewers at home have become as savvy about the game as those who play it?

Also, at this point in the show’s life, why would you go on “Survivor” if you weren’t a fan? Easy. Because you were already on “Survivor” and have nothing better to do with your time. As I haven't watched recent seasons of the show, I have no idea who most of the so-called favorites are. For the most part, they seem pretty interchangeable, except that I’m completely weirded out by how much Ozzy’s hair reminds me of a 1990s teen idol. He’s like David Faustino after rehab.

The one exception to my ignorance of these guys is Jonny Fairplay (the sinister looking one at left). I saw an episode or two of his while home visiting my parents, but had somehow blocked out all memory of him until this moment. Oh, god, I’ve just committed to watching an entire season of a show where this man will be talking about himself in the third person. I’m doomed. (Editor’s note: At what point did this idiot actually legally change is name to Jonny Fairplay? Because when he was on the first time around his name was Jon “Fairplay” Dalton. Being on the same reality show twice makes you a loser. Changing your name based on a reality show nickname makes you something beyond pathetic. — Kathy)

Do they cryogenically freeze Jeff Probst between seasons? I swear to God he hasn’t changed a bit since 2000. It’s honestly kind of creepy. He’s still hot, though, as he greets the Fan team and tells them who they’ll be playing.

It seems like the producers missed an interesting opportunity to let the Fans figure out on their own that these were favorites of previous seasons.  But assuming that fans of “Survivor” can figure out things on their own has never been one of this show’s selling points.

The fans are appropriately impressed by their competitors.  Tracy the residential builder wants to kick Fairplay. We are going to be friends, Tracy and I. During the scramble to find immunity idols and maps to the team camps, Yau-Man bodyslams Fairplay into the side of a boat. Yau-Man and I will also be friends.

The teams make for their separate camps, where we spend a bit of time with the Fans, finding out who’s gay (Chet) and who’s homophobic (Karen). We also get a little interview with Mikey B the aspiring writer, who needs to stop making up nicknames for the other contestants. For one thing, that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. For another thing, he’s awful at it. Wow, the big guy is the Incredible Hulk? Mikey B is Salieri to TWoP’s Amadeus.

Meanwhile, the Favorites have this game well figured out. Knowing that the choice hotties will be snatched up quickly, the more sex-crazed of the contestants secure snuggle-buddies by the beginning of night 1. Pair-ups are Parvati/James and Ozzy/Amanda, who clearly has some “Married With Children” fetish I don’t want to understand.

But even though the Favorites have made fire utilizing Yau-Man’s glasses by the beginning of day 2, they still seem a little clueless. An tight alliance is formed between Ami, Yau-Man, Jonathan and Eliza, who are expecting the Hook-up Kids to form their own alliance. Which, of course, they do. But then both alliances decide to pull in Fairplay, despite knowing full well that he’s a jackass who’ll screw everyone over. Fairplay sums it up nicely: “I think it’s insane that there are nine other of your favorite survivors of all time, and they all believe what I say. Have you not watched this show before?”

The immunity challenge is exactly why I like “Survivor” — a complicated and ridiculous obstacle course involving puzzles, pushing carts, and setting stuff on fire. Fan Eric proves to be a bit of a dick, tossing sand onto the favorites while they try to dig up their planks for the bridge. He’ll be fun down the line.

Anyway, the Fans kick ass and win easily, getting a bonus of flint for fire-making. And back to the Favorites camp we go for the pre-tribal council drama. Cerie, the one survivor without an alliance, is just hanging out, keeping it real. You get the feeling that even if she got invited to the party, she wouldn’t attend.

Fairplay attempts to play both the Hook-up Kids and the Bitter Spinsters against each other — until he realizes how badly that’s going over. So then he starts talking a lot (and I mean a LOT) about how he’s going to be a father in two months, and maybe he should go home and be with his girlfriend instead of on a reality TV show. A rocket scientist, our Jonny is.

Tribal council consists mostly of talking about Fairplay’s reputation as a liar. Which is nicely combined with Fairplay saying, hey, he’s not quitting, per se, but you guys can vote me out if you like. The tribe takes him up on that, essentially taking him out unanimously. I breathe a sigh of relief. It’s fine. Everything’s going to be fine. Everything is going to be just fine.

Next week on “Survivor”: There’s this whole other team. They’re a bunch of fans. Has that come up yet? Well, apparently they’re going to actually talk and stuff next week. Fun times.

— Liz Shannon Miller

Thursday was a big night of big shows and a not-so-big debut for ABC's "Big Shots." (pictured left)

ABC's "Grey's Anatomy" and CBS' "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" returned to their familiar duel positions at 9 p.m., with "Grey's" leading the night in adults 18-49 while "CSI" had total-viewer tonnage. Both "Grey's" and "CSI" flexed their muscles by spiking from their 8 p.m. lead-ins.

"Grey's" (pictured below left) finished out with 20.5 million viewers and 8.7 rating/21 share in 18-49. "CSI" (pictured below right) brought in 24.9 million viewers and 8.0/19 in the key demo, per prelim Nielsens.

"Survivor: China" was soft, by the show's past standard, but still dominated in the 8 p.m. hour with 14.2 million viewers and 4.6/13 in 18-49. ABC's "Ugly Betty" (11 million, 3.8/11) was a solid No. 2 in the hour, posting its best figures since February.

At 10 p.m., "Big Shots" (inevitably) slid from its "Grey's" lead-in to open with 11.6 million viewers and 4.7/13 in 18-49. The return of CBS' "Without a Trace" (16.7 million, 4.8/13)  to its longtime home adjacent to "CSI" did wonders for that show, allowing it to squeak past the "Big Shots" preem by the slimmest of margins in 18-49.

Click here for the lowdown on the entire night from Variety's Rick Kissell.

--Cynthia Littleton

The season begins in earnest next week with debuts of the following:

New shows…:
"K-Ville” (Monday at 9 on Fox, pictured at right)
“Back to You” (Wednesday at 8 on Fox)
“Kid Nation” (Wednesday at 8 on CBS)
“Gossip Girl” (Wednesday at 9 on CW)
“Kitchen Nightmares” (Wednesday at 9 on Fox)
“CW Now” and “Online Nation” (Sunday 7-8 on CW)

…and returning shows:
“Deal or No Deal” (Monday at 8 on NBC)
“Prison Break” (Monday at 8 Fox)
“Beauty and the Geek” (Tuesday at 8 on CW)
“America’s Next Top Model” (Wed. at 8 on CW)
“’Til Death” (Wed. at 8:30 on CBS)
“Survivor: China” (Thursday at 8 on CBS)
“Simpsons,” “King of the Hill,” “Family Guy” (Sunday  8-10 on Fox)
“Cold Case” (Sunday at 9 on CBS)
“Shark” (Sunday at 10 on CBS)

For a comprehensive schedule, by date or name, click here.

— KL