Gears of War 2: Why I hate Franklin almost as much as the story

It was right around the 10th time I screamed "I f*cking hate Franklin!" into my headset that I realized "Gears of War 2's" "submission" is my favorite online multi-player mode ever. It's capture-the-flag, except the flag is a guy, with a gun, powered by awesome artificial intelligence. Franklin was the name of our flag the first time I played "submission" and I got so goddamned mad every time I had an opening to grab him, but he shot me dead. But I kept coming back for more, and more. Franklin was my white wale.

As I wrote in my review in today's Daily Variety, "Submission" captures everything that's great about "Gears of War 2": The creativity, the emphasis on team-based strategy, and the brilliant A.I. Along with the addictive survival-horror mode "horde," "Gears 2" the best online multi-player I've ever seen (though I haven't played "Resistance 2" yet, so that "I've ever seen" is key). One caveat though, and it's an important one: This game is seriously violent. Here's a simple test: Does hearing the word "chainsodomy" disgust you, or intrigue you? If it's the former, "Halo 3" may be more up your alley.

Sounds like "Gears of War 2" is in the running for game of the year. But then there's the campaign. Level design wise, it's pretty good. It's much longer than in the first "Gears," with sharp (though still dismally grey) graphics and plenty of emphasis on using the game's key cover and active re-loading mechanisms. It's all a little better than the first one and there are some nice new tweaks, like indicators that show up as you make progress toward an achievement. But fundamentally it's more of the same. Which isn't bad thing, but also isn't inspiring.

Then there's the story. Dear God, the story. All the pre-release hype and commercials like this one promised that the plot would be more comprehensible and central than in the first and that's true. But they really shouldn't have bothered. Because, to be blunt, the writing is awful. It's cliched, mawkish, and bombastic to the point where I could never get through a cutscene without cringing in embarassment. A few highlights:

-The eager new member of Delta Squad who drops his gun when he first shows up and the other guys nickname "rook" (short for rookie). Want to take a bet on what happens to him? If you can't figure it out, you've never seen a movie before.

-The new guy named Dizzy who wears a cowboy hat, screams everything he says, and basically makes Yosemite Sam look like a subtle portrait of Texan culture. (Why are there Texans on Sera? Let's not even go there)

-Dominic staring wistfully at a crumpled picture of him and his wife, who has been captured by the Locust. See, "Gears of War 2" has emotion. Dominic cares about somebody. See? See???

-Every single word that comes out of Cole Train's jive talking mouth. I know he was in the first one, but I'm still not over it. Let's just say that if historians play videogames, this week won't be seen as quite the major step forward for African-Americans as many of us are thinking.

-The cut scene leading into the first major mission that gives a whole new meaning to the word "bombastic," particularly when the human government's chairman (is this a community government? anyway...) gives his speech. Here's a sample: "This is teh day we ensure the survival of our species. My fellow Gears, go forth and fight for the hope of humanity!"

-Someone dies and these are the last words out of his mouth: "Tell my brother... my ma... that I love 'em and... and..." And no, I didn't put in "ma" to make it seem more hokey. That's exactly what it said in the subtitles.

You get the idea. But it brings up an important point. If you're not going to put the energy, time and money into quality writing, why bother? As important as I think narrative is in videogames, it's better to keep it simple than do it badly. In all honesty, the 10 second introduction to "New Super Mario Bros." (Bowser kidnaps Peach; Mario goes after them) is far superior to the probably hour-plus of story we get in "Gears 2." And the thing is, I bet most players would be happier if this game just had a 10 second introduction that basically consisted of this: "The Locust are invading again. Stop them!"