Peace in late night: Jimmy Kimmel on Jay Leno

If these two can get together... maybe there's hope that the AMPTP and WGA can sit down again. And perhaps dogs and cats will resolve their centuries-old battle, too.

Above, a shot from tonight's "Tonight Show," featuring the much-ballyhooed guest exchange between Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel (who welcomes Leno tonight as well).

Leno and Kimmel exchanged wisecracks, and of course, the strike was topic A. Kimmel subtly teased Leno over the "Tonight Show" host's run-in with the WGA: "Will you write some jokes for me? Because it seems like you've got plenty." To which Leno said, "I can't. That's illegal."

Back to Kimmel: "Yeah, it's very confusing how it works. But it's lousy, and it makes booking guests difficult because people don't want to cross a picket line. So now we're -- instead of movie stars, you get, you know, the cast of "Celebrity Fat Club 5" on the show."

Leno repeated his mantra from last week: "But there is an advantage... You don't have to see a lot of stupid movies and pretend they're good."

Of course, Kimmel responded, the alternative isn't much better: "But you have to see stupid reality shows and pretend they're good. Tell the two Coreys how fantastic they are. You know, beg for a Feldman and/or a game booking. That's no good."

Check out the full transcript of Kimmel on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" after the jump.

-- Michael Schneider

         JAY LENO:  Let's get right to it.  My first guest,
         host of the show "Jimmy Kimmel Live," which airs live
         every night on ABC.  Later this month the show will be
         celebrating its fifth anniversary.  How about that?
         Please welcome Jimmy Kimmel, ladies and gentlemen.

         (Applause.)

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Jay, if I could, I'd like to start off
         with a joke.

         JAY LENO:  Yes.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  A priest, a rabbi, and a minister come
         on a talk show and do the longest jokes I've ever
         heard in my life.

         (Laughter.)

         JAY LENO:  There's a writers' strike.  It's called
         stretch.  It's called stretch.  Well, thanks for being
         here, because you and I have not spoken in what would
         you say?  Six years?

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yeah, probably six years.

         JAY LENO:  That's right.  That's about normal.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yeah.  Well, we were competitors, you
         know.

         JAY LENO:  We were competitors.  I read this quote
         from you in the paper:  "If Jay and I can come
         together and guest on each other's shows, there's hope
         for peace in the Middle East."

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yes.

         (Laughter.)

         Unless the Malibu rabbi is involved --

         (Laughter.)

         -- in which case there is no hope for peace in the Middle
         East.

         JAY LENO:  He doesn't look like a Malibu --

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Malibu rabbi.

         JAY LENO:  Doesn't that sound like a reality show?
         "Malibu Rabbi."

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yeah, David Hasselhoff and the beard
         with the little curls on the side.

         JAY LENO:  He's soul surfing.  I like the idea.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Soul surfing.

         JAY LENO:  It's all right.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  So, yeah, well, you know --

         JAY LENO:  Well, tell people what happened.  We didn't
         talk for a long time.  And we were --

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Nothing really happened.

         JAY LENO:  There really was no feud.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yeah, there wasn't a feud.  It's just
         that it's competitive.  And then, you know, there are
         booking; you try to get guests.

         JAY LENO:  Right, right, right.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  And then, obviously, no one wants to
         come on my show, and everyone wants to come on yours.

         JAY LENO:  Actually, I saw you one time -- I saw you
         one time bitching and moaning because ABC had put one
         of their big stars on our show instead of your show.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  That's how it works.  You get all the
         desperate housewives.  I get the plumber's husband
         from the show and, you know, whatever they happen to

          throw me.

         JAY LENO:  But you called and were very nice, and you
         suggested we should be friends and get together.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  And especially with the writers'
         strike, I feel like we should come together.  And I
         felt like we could solve it, but we really did no good
         whatsoever.

         (Laughter.)

         JAY LENO:  No, no, but I'm glad that you called me
         because I always wanted to do that.  And I felt
         awkward.  And I do enjoy your show.  I think you're
         funny.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Thank you.

         JAY LENO:  You're a very funny guy.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  And the same with you.  And I will say
         that there is a certain amount of envy because this is
         "The Tonight Show," and it's a big deal, and everybody
         comes to you.  And I watch -- I see Kevin on the show.
         And he's -- he laughs at a lot of things.  And I
         thought "Wow, if only I could have a Kevin in my
         life" --

         (Laughter.)

         -- because my band looks at me like my teenagers look
         at me when I walk into their bedroom.  It's like
         (staring) "Can I help you?"  Kevin --

         JAY LENO:  Can I help you?

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  -- he's so into it.  And I realize
         that -- tonight was the first I realized, because I
         haven't been here and really observed him, the reason
         Kevin is so good-humored is because he is stoned out
         of his mind.

         (Laughter.)

          (Applause.)

         He's wearing the hat to cover his eyes.  You might as
         well have Snoop Dogg leading the band.

         KEVIN:  Hey, thanks, Jimmy.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

         Does he know you guys are back from the strike yet?

         JAY LENO:  No, he doesn't know that.

         (Laughter.)

         I've got to admit -- remember, Kev? -- Kev called me
         about a month and a half in, and he went, "Jay, what's
         going on?"

         (Laughter.)

         "I mean, nobody at work."

         (Laughter.)

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  That's not a good Torres (?). an
         enormous, decorative bong.

         JAY LENO:  Now we're both back without writers.  How
         is it going for you?  It is very hard.  I miss my
         writers tremendously.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  It's terrible.  Will you write some
         jokes for me?  Because it seems like you've got
         plenty.

         JAY LENO:  I can't.  That's illegal.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Oh, that's illegal.  Yeah, it's very
         confusing how it works.  But it's lousy, and it makes
         booking guests difficult because people don't want to
         cross a picket line.

         JAY LENO:  Sure, sure.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  So now we're -- instead of movie stars,
         you get, you know, the cast of "Celebrity Fat Club 5"
         on the show.

         (Laughter.)

         You know, it's --

         JAY LENO:  But there is an advantage.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  What's that?

         JAY LENO:  You don't have to see a lot of stupid
         movies and pretend they're good.

         (Laughter.)

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  But -- yes, that is true.  But you have
         to see stupid reality shows and pretend they're good.

         (Laughter.)

         Tell the two Coreys how fantastic they are.

         (Laughter.)

         You know, beg for a Feldman and/or a game booking.
         That's no good.

         JAY LENO:  Have you ever pissed off a guest?  Have you
         ever had a guest get mad?

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Almost every night somebody is mad
         about something.

         (Laughter.)

         Our first year, honestly, I didn't have -- I didn't
         know what I was doing.  I really didn't.  And I didn't
         know that -- well, I didn't even know celebrities had
         publicists and that those people had power and if you
         made one guest angry, you could lose dozens of guests.

         JAY LENO:  Right.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Omarosa, who I don't know if she
         technically qualifies as a celebrity to anyone other
         than Donald Trump, but --

         (Laughter.)

         -- she walked off my show before even coming on my
         show.

         JAY LENO:  Why?

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  We had a lie detector test set up.  We
         were going to give -- my Uncle Frank is on the show.
         We were going to give him a lie detector test, and she
         thought it was for her.  And I tried to explain, "No,
         we can't force you to take a lie detector test.  It's
         fine."  She didn't care.  She headed right home.

         JAY LENO:  Wow.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  So I sat there by myself for six
         minutes and --

         JAY LENO:  Well, that --

         (Laughter.)

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yeah.  And also, Monica Lewinsky was
         not a good guest.

         JAY LENO:  Didn't you have her as a co-host for --

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yeah.  Well, at the beginning we had --

         JAY LENO:  How did she get that?  Did she have to
         audition?

         (Laughter.)

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  I knew that she knew how to work with a
         desk, so I thought she was fine.

         (Laughter.)

          But she had a condition, and -- well, the inside thing --
         I don't know if people know, but there's oftentimes a
         condition --

         JAY LENO:  Sure.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  -- when a celebrity comes on the show.
         And her condition, Monica Lewinsky, was that I could
         not mention President Clinton or anything that
         happened there.  So all we had left to talk about was
         handbags.  And --

         (Laughter.)

         By the way, did you know she glues the beads on them
         herself?

         (Laughter.)

         JAY LENO:  No, I didn't know that.  I thought it was a
         Bedazzler.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  No, she does it all by hand.

         JAY LENO:  Wow.

         We'll take a break.  More with Jimmy right after this.

         (Applause.)

         (Commercial break.)

         Welcome back.  Talking with Jimmy Kimmel.

         The last time you were on our show, it was before you
         had your show, and you came on with Adam Carolla, who
         I've gotten to know a little bit.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yeah, yeah, I wanted to talk to you
         about that because I don't appreciate you moving in on
         my guy.

         (Laughter.)

         JAY LENO:  I didn't realize it was that kind of
         relationship.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  It is that kind of relationship.  Adam
         and I are like Siegfried and Roy, only gayer.

         JAY LENO:  Really?

         (Laughter.)

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Without the tigers as well.  And
         suddenly I find out -- I get word that "Oh, Adam has
         been" -- "Jay has lured Adam to his garage to show him
         his cars" (making quote marks in the air around the
         word "cars").

         (Laughter.)

         You know, Adam says -- I said, "Adam, have you been
         going over to Jay's and looking at his cars?"  He's
         like, "No, no, no, no, I haven't been doing anything."
         I said, "Well, what's this transmission fluid I see on
         your collar?"

         (Laughter.)

         And he said, "Well, it's, you know, just" -- "I was
         working in my own garage."  And so now what I've
         decided to do is, like -- like Angelina did with Brad
         Pitt, is I'm just going to move directly in on you and
         we cut Adam out of the deal.

         JAY LENO:  Oh, I see.  I see how that works.  Well,
         you know, he was -- because he's a car guy.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yes, he is.

         JAY LENO:  And I saw him one time.  He said, "Oh" --
         he had bought an old Lamborghini from the -- I said,
         "Bring it over.  We'll work on it in my garage."  And
         he was like -- he was always looking over his
         shoulder, like --

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yeah.  Oh, yeah, he knows.  See, I'm a

         car guy too.  I actually have a car collection.

         JAY LENO:  You do?

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yeah.  I mean, I've only started out
         the car collection.

         JAY LENO:  What do you have?

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  I have two cars.

         JAY LENO:  Yeah, yeah.

         (Laughter.)

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  It's -- yeah, I got -- I have an
         Escalade, and I have a little Pontiac G6.

         (Laughter.)

         JAY LENO:  Wow, that's quite a -- that's quite a
         collection.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Oh, yeah, they're classics, yeah.  '06.

         JAY LENO:  Yeah, that sounds like -- oh, '06.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yes.

         JAY LENO:  So how did you spend your time?  You had
         two months off.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yeah.

         JAY LENO:  What did you do with your time?

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Well, I actually -- thank you for
         bringing that up because I want -- my cousin Archie --
         I have a little cousin who is my cousin Sal's son.
         He's the cutest little kid, and his favorite book is
         your book --

         JAY LENO:  Oh.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  -- "If Roast Beef Could Fly."

         JAY LENO:  Right, right.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  And he has the CD that he listens to --

         JAY LENO:  Right, right.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  -- and the whole thing.  And I
         figured -- this took you what?  Maybe four minutes to
         write?

         (Laughter.)

         JAY LENO:  Well, you know, it's not like it's not a
         thick book.  Come on.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  You didn't even draw the pictures.  So
         what I've done is I now have my own book.  It's called
         "If Ham Could Become Invisible."

         (Laughter.)

         JAY LENO:  Oh, really?

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  It's a story about a ham, and there's
         the ham.

         JAY LENO:  Right.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  And you can see here it becomes
         invisible.

         (Laughter.)

         And -- well, that's really all I have so far.

         (Laughter.)

         JAY LENO:  But I think -- enough to keep children
         amused.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yeah.  Two years old, what are they
         going to do?  Complain?

 

         JAY LENO:  You know what's interesting?  I'm
         fascinated by your show because you have -- it's like
         you give all your relatives work, which is amazing to
         me.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  That's right.

         JAY LENO:  It's like everybody -- you are related to
         everybody on your program.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  You don't have that here?

         JAY LENO:  No.  I tried that once and -- because your
         family gives you the least respect of all.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Oh, of course.

         JAY LENO:  See, that's the worst.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Because they know things about you.

         JAY LENO:  Exactly.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  My cousin Sal works on the show.  He
         has a tendency -- he will pillow-fight the guests
         every once in a while.  If there's a wrestler or a
         boxer or a football player, he throws a pillow at
         them, and then he'll beat them on the stage, which is
         one of the reasons we don't get guests as good as
         yours.

         JAY LENO:  Right.

         (Laughter.)

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  You don't beat your guests; right?

         JAY LENO:  No, no.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  But Sal -- I remember once Sal -- we
         had Lennox Lewis, Don King, Lennox Lewis' mother, and
         Anna Nicole Smith on the stage --

         JAY LENO:  Wow.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  -- all together, and it was ridiculous
         to start with.  But it happened to be Anna Nicole's
         birthday.  Sal jumps out with a pillow, whacks Lennox
         Lewis in a face.  The cake goes all over, first of
         all, his elderly mother, which was not good, and all
         over Anna Nicole Smith, who tries to run, slips, and
         falls on the stage.  And I'm not saying that's what
         killed her, but it didn't help.

         (Laughter.)

         My Uncle Frankie has an IQ of 14.

         JAY LENO:  Right.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  He was a cop in New York for 20 years,
         and I swear this is true.  In 20 years he made six
         arrests --

         JAY LENO:  Wow.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  -- one by accident.

         (Laughter.)

         He didn't do a lot of work.  He would sit out in a
         folding chair with one of those reflective visors,
         getting a tan.  And it cooked his brain to the point
         where he can't think anymore.

         JAY LENO:  Right.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  So we pull pranks on him.  And my Aunt
         Chippy is his ex-wife.

         JAY LENO:  Chippy?

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Chippy, yes.  She's like a meaner
         version of Judge Judy.

         JAY LENO:  Wow.

         (Laughter.)

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  And I do -- I will do -- like I sent a
         crew over -- my Aunt Chippy hates when people don't
         speak English in the country.  "Speak English if
         you're in America."  So I sent a crew of foreign
         laborers over to her house to paint it orange and
         green.  We painted the whole front of her house orange
         and green.  And she got home from babysitting, and her
         home looks like the Miami Dolphins training facility.

         (Laughter.)

         She starts screaming at these guys, and they pretend
         they don't speak any English.  They're handing her
         cervezas.  She's throwing beer at them and cursing at
         them.  They start painting her lawn and her trees.
         Then they go to paint her car.  I mean, it really -- I
         do a lot of things to these people.

         JAY LENO:  Yeah.  Well --

         (Laughter.)

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  I have a lot of fun with them, and
         there's not much they can do.

         (Laughter.)

         JAY LENO:  Now, speaking of making fun, you did an
         impression of me.  Remember when I testified in the
         Michael Jackson trial?

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  No, no.  By the way, I do not believe
         for one second you touched those boys.

         JAY LENO:  Well, thank you.  I appreciate that.  Thank
         you.  You're the only one.  But I was watching your
         show one night --

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Yes.

         JAY LENO:  -- and this is you.  You were reenacting my
         testimony at the Michael Jackson --

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Right.  We were doing a reenactment,

         and I played you.

         JAY LENO:  Let's take a look.

         (Clip shown.)

         (Applause.)

         JAY LENO:  Thank you.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  That wasn't me.  That was somebody
         else.

         JAY LENO:  Now, you also cook too.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  I am -- I do -- I cook huge --

         JAY LENO:  I mean, are you a real cook, or are you
         just, like, "guy" cooking?  Are you a chef?

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  No, I wouldn't call myself a chef.
         I'll get a big piece of meat.  I'll throw it on the
         smoker.  I'll cook it for -- I cooked a roast for 12
         hours in the rain the other night, and I have it ready
         for football Sunday.  I slice it up beautifully for
         everyone.

         JAY LENO:  That's what I call a chef.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  There you go.

         JAY LENO:  Jimmy, I know you've got to go do your
         show.  I will be over and I'll see you in half an
         hour.

         JIMMY KIMMEL:  Shouldn't we tell everyone to turn off
         your show right now and turn mine on?

         JAY LENO:  TiVo, TiVo.

         (Laughter.)

         Jimmy Kimmel, ladies and gentlemen.

          JIMMY KIMMEL:  I'll see you later.

         JAY LENO:  I'll see you later.

         (Applause.)