If these two can get together... maybe there's hope that the AMPTP and WGA can sit down again. And perhaps dogs and cats will resolve their centuries-old battle, too.
Above, a shot from tonight's "Tonight Show," featuring the much-ballyhooed guest exchange between Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel (who welcomes Leno tonight as well).
Leno and Kimmel exchanged wisecracks, and of course, the strike was topic A. Kimmel subtly teased Leno over the "Tonight Show" host's run-in with the WGA: "Will you write some jokes for me? Because it seems like you've got plenty." To which Leno said, "I can't. That's illegal."
Back to Kimmel: "Yeah, it's very confusing how it works. But it's lousy, and it makes booking guests difficult because people don't want to cross a picket line. So now we're -- instead of movie stars, you get, you know, the cast of "Celebrity Fat Club 5" on the show."
Leno repeated his mantra from last week: "But there is an advantage... You don't have to see a lot of stupid movies and pretend they're good."
Of course, Kimmel responded, the alternative isn't much better: "But you have to see stupid reality shows and pretend they're good. Tell the two Coreys how fantastic they are. You know, beg for a Feldman and/or a game booking. That's no good."
Check out the full transcript of Kimmel on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" after the jump.
-- Michael Schneider
JAY LENO: Let's get right to it. My first guest,
host of the show "Jimmy Kimmel Live," which airs live
every night on ABC. Later this month the show will be
celebrating its fifth anniversary. How about that?
Please welcome Jimmy Kimmel, ladies and gentlemen.
with a joke.
on a talk show and do the longest jokes I've ever
heard in my life.
stretch. It's called stretch. Well, thanks for being
here, because you and I have not spoken in what would
you say? Six years?
know.
from you in the paper: "If Jay and I can come
together and guest on each other's shows, there's hope
for peace in the Middle East."
East.
"Malibu Rabbi."
with the little curls on the side.
talk for a long time. And we were --
that it's competitive. And then, you know, there are
booking; you try to get guests.
come on my show, and everyone wants to come on yours.
one time bitching and moaning because ABC had put one
of their big stars on our show instead of your show.
desperate housewives. I get the plumber's husband
from the show and, you know, whatever they happen to
suggested we should be friends and get together.
strike, I feel like we should come together. And I
felt like we could solve it, but we really did no good
whatsoever.
because I always wanted to do that. And I felt
awkward. And I do enjoy your show. I think you're
funny.
that there is a certain amount of envy because this is
"The Tonight Show," and it's a big deal, and everybody
comes to you. And I watch -- I see Kevin on the show.
And he's -- he laughs at a lot of things. And I
thought "Wow, if only I could have a Kevin in my
life" --
at me when I walk into their bedroom. It's like
(staring) "Can I help you?" Kevin --
that -- tonight was the first I realized, because I
haven't been here and really observed him, the reason
Kevin is so good-humored is because he is stoned out
of his mind.
well have Snoop Dogg leading the band.
about a month and a half in, and he went, "Jay, what's
going on?"
enormous, decorative bong.
is it going for you? It is very hard. I miss my
writers tremendously.
jokes for me? Because it seems like you've got
plenty.
confusing how it works. But it's lousy, and it makes
booking guests difficult because people don't want to
cross a picket line.
you get, you know, the cast of "Celebrity Fat Club 5"
on the show.
movies and pretend they're good.
to see stupid reality shows and pretend they're good.
That's no good.
ever had a guest get mad?
about something.
know what I was doing. I really didn't. And I didn't
know that -- well, I didn't even know celebrities had
publicists and that those people had power and if you
made one guest angry, you could lose dozens of guests.
technically qualifies as a celebrity to anyone other
than Donald Trump, but --
show.
were going to give -- my Uncle Frank is on the show.
We were going to give him a lie detector test, and she
thought it was for her. And I tried to explain, "No,
we can't force you to take a lie detector test. It's
fine." She didn't care. She headed right home.
minutes and --
not a good guest.
audition?
desk, so I thought she was fine.
I don't know if people know, but there's oftentimes a
condition --
And her condition, Monica Lewinsky, was that I could
not mention President Clinton or anything that
happened there. So all we had left to talk about was
handbags. And --
herself?
Bedazzler.
had your show, and you came on with Adam Carolla, who
I've gotten to know a little bit.
about that because I don't appreciate you moving in on
my guy.
relationship.
and I are like Siegfried and Roy, only gayer.
suddenly I find out -- I get word that "Oh, Adam has
been" -- "Jay has lured Adam to his garage to show him
his cars" (making quote marks in the air around the
word "cars").
going over to Jay's and looking at his cars?" He's
like, "No, no, no, no, I haven't been doing anything."
I said, "Well, what's this transmission fluid I see on
your collar?"
working in my own garage." And so now what I've
decided to do is, like -- like Angelina did with Brad
Pitt, is I'm just going to move directly in on you and
we cut Adam out of the deal.
you know, he was -- because he's a car guy.
he had bought an old Lamborghini from the -- I said,
"Bring it over. We'll work on it in my garage." And
he was like -- he was always looking over his
shoulder, like --
the car collection.
Escalade, and I have a little Pontiac G6.
collection.
two months off.
bringing that up because I want -- my cousin Archie --
I have a little cousin who is my cousin Sal's son.
He's the cutest little kid, and his favorite book is
your book --
figured -- this took you what? Maybe four minutes to
write?
thick book. Come on.
what I've done is I now have my own book. It's called
"If Ham Could Become Invisible."
the ham.
invisible.
amused.
going to do? Complain?
fascinated by your show because you have -- it's like
you give all your relatives work, which is amazing to
me.
everybody on your program.
family gives you the least respect of all.
has a tendency -- he will pillow-fight the guests
every once in a while. If there's a wrestler or a
boxer or a football player, he throws a pillow at
them, and then he'll beat them on the stage, which is
one of the reasons we don't get guests as good as
yours.
had Lennox Lewis, Don King, Lennox Lewis' mother, and
Anna Nicole Smith on the stage --
to start with. But it happened to be Anna Nicole's
birthday. Sal jumps out with a pillow, whacks Lennox
Lewis in a face. The cake goes all over, first of
all, his elderly mother, which was not good, and all
over Anna Nicole Smith, who tries to run, slips, and
falls on the stage. And I'm not saying that's what
killed her, but it didn't help.
and I swear this is true. In 20 years he made six
arrests --
folding chair with one of those reflective visors,
getting a tan. And it cooked his brain to the point
where he can't think anymore.
Chippy is his ex-wife.
version of Judge Judy.
crew over -- my Aunt Chippy hates when people don't
speak English in the country. "Speak English if
you're in America." So I sent a crew of foreign
laborers over to her house to paint it orange and
green. We painted the whole front of her house orange
and green. And she got home from babysitting, and her
home looks like the Miami Dolphins training facility.
they don't speak any English. They're handing her
cervezas. She's throwing beer at them and cursing at
them. They start painting her lawn and her trees.
Then they go to paint her car. I mean, it really -- I
do a lot of things to these people.
there's not much they can do.
impression of me. Remember when I testified in the
Michael Jackson trial?
for one second you touched those boys.
you. You're the only one. But I was watching your
show one night --
testimony at the Michael Jackson --
else.
just, like, "guy" cooking? Are you a chef?
I'll get a big piece of meat. I'll throw it on the
smoker. I'll cook it for -- I cooked a roast for 12
hours in the rain the other night, and I have it ready
for football Sunday. I slice it up beautifully for
everyone.
show. I will be over and I'll see you in half an
hour.
your show right now and turn mine on?




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